WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / How do I make a decision?

I have been married to my husband for 6 months, together a total of a year and a 1/2. 

He has a history of assualt charges on men, an ex wife who divorced him for mental abuse and family that refuses to speak to him but these were things that all occurred 12 years prior to my meeting him.

I gave him a chance.  He was good to me at times or there would be nothing to love.  His anger started lashing out on me more in ways of threats and fear with screaming and breaking things in a home that I own.  Shortly after the wedding it escalated because his father didn‘t come, his kids refused, ex wife issues etc.  This escalation was taken out on me as he chased me through the streets in my car after threateinging to come home and kill me.  I ran to a place where there were people and went inside my local deli.  He tried to get me to come outside and unlocked my car and trie to take my bag out, I got in between the doorway of the car and the door, within the opening.  He took the door and slammed it 3 times on my body.  The deli then called the cops and I went to my mothers before they got there, just had to get away.  In hind sight I should have stayed.

I threw him out that day and refused entrance to the house unless he immediately got help.  He did.  Another stipulation was I am never to be threatened or frightened by violence ever again or he has to leave.  (I own my home for 7 years plus before knowing him his name is not on anything)  The past 3 weeks he has been going to counseling 3 times a week.  It was helping but the pressure has begun, when will I be back to normal with him?

Sunday through yesterday this has escalated into "I have no right to hold the house over him, he has rights and I cannot through him out and F me if I think otherwise." He now says I am cold and mean to him.  I know I am not.  I have gone out of my way to be supportive but now I feel like he is breaking me down to be as miserable as he feels.  Its as though mental abuse is starting and he is trying to gain control over me and turn this the other way.

I am going to a therapist for myself today.  I just dont know where I am headed.  Do I give him more time to get the treatment he needs?  Being angry for 25 years of his life cannot be changed perfectly overnight.  But if I stay how do I feel good again?

Before him I was independent with a good job.  Today all that still exists, I just feel like I can‘t find it.

Any insight would be appreciated.

You need to have him removed from the home. It sounds like he may have some mental isues going on. You stated that he is going to counseling three times a week and he has started back in on you. You are not safe with him in the same house as you.

I would suggest that you get counseling for yourself to figure out how this man sucked you into this mess.

There is no decision here.  You need to save yourself.  Please do just that.  He will never change...EVER.  The only person you can change is yourself.

I have been on these boards with my stories of my abusive husband and the abusive men I picked before him.  I hope to save you from mental anguish and completely losing your soul to this man.

It has already started...his seed of craziness and his erosion of you.  He has you second guessing yourself because he says you are "holding a house over his head".  What he wants at this point is to talk you into putting the house in his name.  Then you will have nothing and nowhere to go.  He will talk you into this through blaming you and guilt.  He will control your every move.  You will think you deserve to be hit. 

The way you come straight out and say that he chased you down with a car with little emotion tells me that you are already being brainwashed by him.

  I know how abusive men think.  Once you have lived this life, you become very aware of looking for the abuser‘s next move. You talk about him being nice before.  Now it‘s few and far between.  The abuser makes you dependant upon those few times of complete euphoria.  Where he is happy with you.  You will do anything, and you will spend your days dreaming up ways to try to make him happy with you.  It will consume your life, trying to please someone who does not know how to love.  He only knows how to fake it well enough in the beginning to make you dependant upon that false love that he lures you in with.  You remember those days, but they will never be again. 

File for divorce on grounds of abuse.  It is still not too late to press charges.  You have wittnesses at the deli who can sign affadavits as to what happened.

Get out NOW.  You can‘t save him.  You need to save yourself.

Read Kaylar‘s thread "The process of Domestic Violence."

  You can do this.  It‘s your life, your soul.  Don‘t let someone waste what God has given to you.

Miss L

I appreciate the feedbackm, truly.

He started meds today, they put him on 4 in total.  Depression, bipolar and some other two.  Impulse issues etc.  I am being pressured by the family to see if things get better now.  I feel like the damage is done and not sure what to think anymore.  But at the same time can he really get better?

I dont know.

Can I even trust he will continue to take them for the rest of his life?

All the questions in my head - too many.

IMO magic pills do not bring magic answers.  Ask any mother who has a child that is supposedly ADHD. 

He has reasons and motives for his behavior.  I believe he is cold and calclating. There is a reason that everyone runs when they see him and none of his family members or children want to be around him......They are affraid of him.  They know in their hearts that one day he is going to step over that line and kill someone.

You came together as two separate people in a marriage.  Yes, you are to be one in a healthy relationship.  This is not healthy. Let me ask you this:  Is he loving you? "f u if you think yada yada yada".  Is he honoring you?  "he gets angry when things don‘t go right and gets upset at me".  Does he cherish you?  He has threatened to kill you.  He has beaten you with a car door.

You are free to go dear.  Don‘t let any family members tell you otherwise. Please go to the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center for some counseling.

Ditto!

This guy is WAY too dangerous - mentally, physically, emotionally - that‘s why everyone runs from him.   

Trust me, my ex was on all kinds of prescription meds.  I can‘t even tell you how many pills he took...and for the same things; depression, bipolar, addiction, one to sleep, one to wake up, etc.   They didn‘t change his personality one bit.  Miss L‘s right; there‘s no such thing as a majic pill.   I can truly and honestly attest to that. 

Unsure:  You are married to a really dangerous man, and this is a very volatile situation you are living in.  I really fear for your personal safety.

I don‘t care if he‘s on medication.  He has threatened your life, and that makes him a very dangerous individual.  Don‘t stay with him. 

Like others have already posted here, medication is not a panacea for everything, and if other people don‘t like him and don‘t want to be around him, there‘s a really good reason for it. 

Please create a safety plan and get out. 

Thank you all so much for your words.  I am seeing an attorney on Wednesday and I think from there will work with the process to make him leave.  I am in therapy trying to get through my feelings but still am uneasy with it all.

I do not want to be one of those women that believe them only to get beaten but he is convincing everyone that he is getting better and that he wants to be that guy that I met a while ago.  I just keep saying I cant trust that!  He has disappointed me in every way in the past and broken every single promise he has made.  How am I supposed to just jump back in?!

He raised his voice last night, not at me but about someone else during a conversation and my insides began to shake.  I told him that, and the tears began.  I feel nothing when the crying starts.  From anger, rage to tears is the normal cycle.

I am trying, just need to stay focused and unemotional - not very easy.

Dear Unsure,

I remember trying to stay unemotional.  You are only doing yourself a disservice.  You need to be very in touch with your emotions.  They (and your heart) are telling you the truth.

Of course he is going to try to convince everyone (who is everyone exactly?) that he is better, or working on getting better.   Fine, let him.  That‘s good.  But for now you need to divorce him and get him out of your life. 

My ex has his whole family believing that it really wasn‘t so bad and that I called the police because Iwas overreacting.  He tells our own children that "he is the real victim here".   He tells everyone that what he did wasn‘t so bad and there was no "real" reason to have an order of protection.  Like you I had plenty of opportunities to get him out the door before this.  All more serious than what he had done that day.  I was still in love and hoping to help him change.

I was waiting for that time when he would act like he did when we were first dating, those little glimpses back to when I made him happy.  I know that you are doing the same as well.

Those times are gone.  You will have to sell your soul for a few happy times and they will be few and far between.  The more he gets by with the more he will push.  When he has you down with no one to support you (those friends and family members who supposedly now think you should stay with him, will be wondering why you didn‘t leave him in the first place). Those people will blame you for staying with him. They will say that you must like it, because you stay.

    I am wondering...do these people actually tell YOU face to face to give him another chance?  Or his he telling you this?  If it is them actually telling you this they are crazy and do not understand just how serious this is.

Never believe a word that comes out of his mouth is paramount.  He is not trustworthy, he has reason to lie.  Remember, he is lying to those around him about what he has done to you.  They are getting the skewed view.

You have lots of love in your heart.  Be compassionate to yourself.  You are your own best friend.  Just what would you tell your best friend if she was in the same situation?

Quit asking how you are supposed to jump back in.  Ask yourself how you are going to jump off this merry-go-round.  It‘s not so merry.

Thanks again.

Many of my friends have said to me "If this were me, what advise would you give?  Would you tell me to run?"

The answer is yes, now I just have to have the nerve to move forward through to fruition.

Since we are only married 6 months, someone mentioned to me that I may be able to get it annulled.  Is there any truth in that?  I know the attorney will tell me more on Wednesday but I am just curious now.

He has told his cousin (who I am close with) that he thinks I want him out and just am scared to say the words.  He is intuitive which concerns me as well but at least he might be prepping for whats to come.  Up until today I just kept saying "I dont know".  I think I know now.

It will be tough.  I have your back on here.  Please surround yourself with people that will help you. You need to line up your own support system.  They should be friends that will help you, listen to you and get you out of that situation.  If your friends see that you are helping yourself, they will help you.

He is intuitive because he does know that he has done wrong.  Anyone would expect you to leave him.  He is waiting to see if he can get by with his treatment of you. If so, then he can continue.

I am glad that you are getting out.  You deserve to live a good life.