WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / When I confront my guy I am getting abused

Whenever I want to talk to my husband about something that I consider a problem, like the eating or gaming, I‘m getting verbally abused.  He says don‘t yell, only I‘m just trying to talk to him.  He leaves the house and doesn‘t take my calls, calls names, storms down into his room like a teenager, slams doors, etc.  Just no listening.

Then he says not to talk to him the rest of the day like I don‘t have the right to.  Then he‘ll come back in like nothing happened, except we didn‘t discuss the issue.  He doesn‘t show up to family meetings, so when do I get to say anything?

Ok, here‘s the thing:  He knows he over eats.  He knows he spends too much time on the computer.  He knows he verbally abuses you.  He knows he stomps away from you.  He knows he slams doors.  He knows he ignores you.  He knows ...

And even though he chooses to act like one, he knows he‘s not a child.

You know you‘re not his mother.   You know this is not the life you had planned.  You know you deserve much more than this. 

My question to you is:  When are you going to stop trying to talk sense into him and start talking sense into yourself?

Thanks for the help.  I told the guy we were going to have to separate for a bit he went in his room like a teenager and played video games and wouldn‘t talk to me, when I started crying he used that against me also.  He was then most of the night.  I had also talked to him about his food and gaming addictions.  He said he doesnt‘ see a problem and I offered to help get him a weight counselor today.  He then verbally abused me and said what a bad person I am, that its all my problems in the relationship, not his, etc.  He also abused me that I don‘t make any money as a housewife and how if I made tons of money he wouldn‘t be stressed out and eat, which doesn‘t even make sense. 

I told him, no I‘m not perfect, but think you need help for your compulsive overeating.  He tried to not talk about it but said he isn‘t getting counseling. 

I think he shifts focus whenever he‘s under the microscope that is part of him trying to keep me around.  I hope all this helps someone else.

That is exactly what he is doing.  He is not allowing or accepting any of your feelings.

My husband would do something pretty mean and if I tried, begged pleaded with him to understand how hurt I was he would get angry.  He then would turn me trying to convey my feelings into a huge argument where he would be yelling and I would be crying and wondering why I thought "this time maybe he would understand". 

He would then go over the top, following me around the house and yelling at me until I needed to just leave to get away from him or go crazy.  He felt justified in making me leave.  Like I somehow deserved it. 

It‘s not so much that he is a child.  He is manipulative.  He is a user who does not appreciate love, nor does he know how to give it.  He only knows how to fake it good enough to get you into his life.  Now that you are taking care of him would you please leave him alone?

Yes, thanks for the last post.  I agree with what you said.  I am continuing to move my stuff out.  I have asked for the guy to get further help and move forward with his addictions.  I have told him I don‘t expect them to just stop overnight.  I have asked him to limit the toxic behaviors around me.  He said "the only problem I have is you."  I told his help is not dependent on me, and that by attacking me as a person he is not getting better.  Then he exagerrates what I tell him and says well I didn‘t come to him in the right way is the only reason he isn‘t getting help.

He did try to tell me last night that some of my relatives don‘t like me, who he has only met twice at a party.  He doesn‘t talk to any of my family actually.

Now I have  a coulple guy "friends" from college, who don‘t know the guy well telling me anything is better than being single, I just need to work it out with him, etc, that if I only am nicer to him eveything will all be perfect.  The one I know overeats and games too.  Like I have to try to impress this guy somehow.  I know on some levels they just don‘t want to see me go through a divorce, which I appreciate.

Anything is better than being single?  Oh, my, my, my...I beg to differ.  If their take on relationships is it‘s better to be with someone and miserable than single and happy.....whew man, I just don‘t know what to say, other than stop talking to them about relationships.  They don‘t sound like they‘re of healthy minds. 

As I said before, I spent many years with a narcissist.  I ended that 2 years ago.  I am now back to my happy-go-lucky self.   If I can do it, so can you.  You just have to love yourself enough to want to do it.

 to you, Alpha!

Learn,

You are so, so so right girlie

I left my H, got divorced and then spent far too many months blaming myself for why my marriage ended. Questioned myself at every level, so used to having it drummed into me how everything was MY fault.

Today I am single, did start dating a guy but through my own choice, bombed him out because he wasnt for me.

I‘d rather be alone today, alone and happy than subsidising one iota of myself for someone who just aint worth it.

I do what I like, when I like and how I like. I love not having to second guess anything and have gotten quite accustomed to being a trifle selfish   Heck, I‘m 40 years old, better late than never to start, huh??

I‘d never willingly allow anyone to yell at me, belittle me, critisise me, beat me or manipulate me ever again. It took alot of years, heartache, stamina and courage to get where I am with myself today. If to compromise all of this equalled being with someone, then no way hossay (sp)

Tula

Alpha, I read all your posts and you have been given great advice.  It seems you have no desire to take the advice, but instead want validation with how you feel about a certain situation.  You want him to change instead of you having to actually do something for you, like leaving him.  He is not going to change; you are not going to leave.  Now what?

Believe me....please do...there is a LOT worse than being single. DON‘T fall for that one please!

I notice in your posts that it seems to be all about his feelings, his addictions and his issues...nothing about you...you are in an extremely unhealthy relationship, he will NOT give up his addictions just because you‘ve asked him to...so I‘m hoping your not leaving him just to "make" him give up and become a good person...sorry, but nothing you do will "make" him change. You need to stop trying to control him and start taking control of your own life...that may sound harsh, but its a mistake many of us have made...your not his mother or his puppet-master!

Alpha - One thing you might consider is to start doing things for yourself.

Have you considered getting a job outside of the home?

If you eventually end up leaving this man (and granted, I don‘t know if that‘s what you have in mind) it is a given that you are going to have to support yourself.  Child support will not be enough to pay for your expenses if you do leave.

And if you are not planning to leave, then you need another outlet for your energy besides analyzing what‘s wrong with him, and trying to force him to talk to you. 

You can‘t change anyone but yourself.  You can try to help him, but you can‘t force him.  The only life you can manage or control, really, is your own.  Get the focus off of him, and put it on yourself.  What can you do to improve your own life?

Stop nagging.  It isn‘t working anyway.  He is just retreating more, eating more, and trying to avoid you.  He knows how you feel.

Share your concerns when you have him at a point where he is willing to listen to you, make your point about his health and well-being, and then quit.  If he chooses to eat himself to death, that is his choice - sad as that sounds.

Getting a job would speak volumes.  Not only are you showing more independence - you are also taking charge of your life, and his comments about how you‘re "nothing but a housewife" are going to make him look ridiculous.  He is likely to be threatened, and that is good for him.  It will be the very thing that may wake him up.  But if not - it will be the thing that will wake you up - into realizing that you are not just an extension of him and that your ultimate happiness does not depend on him. 

When women change, men take notice. 

Thanks for all the great responses.  I am learning so much from what you guys said.  My mom died recently so I think I am still down from that...I am going to get a job with animals. 

I am on the fence about leaving, he‘s saying I‘m overreacting to the video gaming and the eating, but mainly its because he feels like a toxic friend sometimes. 

The last problem is that I really like kids and he doesn‘t seems to care anything about them.  He told me at the beginning he was kind of going to be a superdad in the future, and maybe he really believed it, but he is just a depressed video gamer.  I don‘t want to be mean and want to support him, I feel like he definately let me on some.  Probably he would have been an ok guy to date 1st yr college for me.

Been there, done that.

I will give you the sneek peek at what having a child with this man will be like.

He talks about having children with the hopes of really trapping you.  This way you won‘t want to leave him because he is the father of your children.  Then he can become even more abusive verbally and mentally.

SuperDAD?  Hardly.  When my nerdy lazy PC adicted husband knew I was in labor he was busy playing an online game called Dominion. My then 9 year old son was helping me time my contractions.  I did get him off the PC in time to take me to the hospital with 45 minutes to spare.  Meanwhile he was taking a girl out to lunch on the side.  He never asked me.

He made sure that I got pregnant again immediately.  He then took his lazy ass to more computer "work" that he had to do.  It just never seemed to earn us any extra money.

He didn‘t wash clothes without me begging him.  Then he wouldn‘t fold and put away.  He never washed dishes.  If I asked him to help with any chores or just watch the kids outside in our backyard while I made dinner he would throw a fit.

If he did do some small job he would be angry and I would somehow have to put up with a temper tantrum for it later.

My son at the age of 12 would have to make dinner if I was at work and do the dishes.  My husband sat his lazy ass on the PC and ruled our house with tantrums and yelling and demoraizing words until none of us could stand it no more.

Yeah,  I freaking hate him now.  But I was once dependent upon his every thought and feeling.  How he felt was how I felt.  Now I just feel hate and the realization of what he truly is.

He is a leech, a user, someone with no inner substance except to try to hurt others.  Bringing others down is what made him feel better.  Sick but that was my narcissist.

Do NOT have children with this man.  You wouldn‘t want to give any child a father like that.  They deserve better.  He desserves to get off his fat over eating ass and learn for himself.  This is not your job to save him.  He will pull you right down with him.

Thanks for your help.  The gal who talked about her husband on the computer, he is EXACTLY like that, except no kids. 

I am working on me this week moving out getting me job, etc.  I have to do it myself.  I feel he seems to turn on the charm again when it seems like I am trying to move on.   

Oh, and the new thing is he asked ME to pay for his addiction counseling he was even able to say..he said because he doesn‘t think he needs it. 

Thanks Shally your posts have been very helpful...some days I am scared I‘ll end up by myself or end up this or that...guess also even when you‘re with a guy this can still happen. 

He seemed like a great guy when I met him, and I was rebounding out of another relationship...my friends and family were disappointed about my breakup, but I still should have known better.  I‘m reading some books about picking out safe friends now.