WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / My guy is compulsively overeating now

Hello all,

Thanks very much for all the help I‘ve received so far.  I have kind of a new problem and that is my guy when he isn‘t on the computer overeats all the time.   I believe he has an addictive personality.

He eats a few rounds of dessert most nights.  I have been careful not to set him off and the problem is ongoing.  I have asked him to go to counseling and he has decided to only go 1x a month or less, which I don‘t think will do much.

He stresses me out bad with it and he was verbally abusive to me when I asked him to stop doing it AROUND ME.  Last night he ate 3 candy bars + jumbo donut for dessert while I was there, plus he ate a bunch of crap in the morning.  He has bad blood pressure.  I don‘t want to live with the unhealthy bullcrap any more.  Then he says I have an anger problem and that its not my business, and he made me cry over I said "I feel like your eating has gotten out of control again...what do you think is going on?"  Instead of answering he said I‘m mean and started screaming and made me cry.

It sounds to me like he does have an addiction to food and/or is using it to pacify a bigger issue. (emotional/mental)

When you comfront him about it the fact that he becomes angry with you instead of discussing the issue (sounds just like a drug/alcohol addict doesn‘t it?) may be because he is relying on it for some kind of high...and you‘re trying to take away his comfort in his mind...He may not know he has a problem...

I would call over eaters anonymous and seek advice (I wish I had some for you) and I would repost this in "Dr. Womansaver‘s" forum...She will post back a list of resources that may help.

Thanks for the reply.  I completely agree.  The guy tries to change the subject and make himself the victim in any situation.  He got mad and screamed and stormed off when I asked him about going to get some weight help.  He has a pattern of doing that when confronted.  I fell he also is addicted to computer games and may have some mental problems.  At what point do I worry about me too though.

It has been a problem for a few years and for all summer.  He is staying in and only leaving the house 3/4 times a summer with me or anybody to go do something else due to the food and computer gaming.  He claims he has "no bad days" but is trying to eat himself to death every night.

We have stopped going out to movies and stuff altogether.  He doesn‘t have any guy friends he goes out with either.  Sad.

I told him no more addictions around me though.  It stresses me out some now.  So now I probably just will never see him.

At what point do you start thinking about you?

The real question is when did you stop thinking of yourself!!!!

I went through a few years of finding people with problems and trying to "fix" them wether they liked it or not...You lose yourself doing that sometimes...

Confront him with all your feelings (don‘t let him EVER make you feel that they aren‘t valid either...if you feel them...they are!!) and if he won‘t take any steps towards improving his problems to keep you in his life...I say you have to get out. He‘ll only change if he wants to...or you are worth it to him....It may take time apart for him to realize that...

I know it hurts watching someone you care about do this to themself...and I‘m sorry you‘re going through it...

Thanks for the message, you are right.  Some days I feel like I‘ve forgotten how to take care of me.  Its been so long taking care of everybody else.  My mom passed away this year from Alzheimer‘s.  I still feel that loss also, plus no I‘m not having a kid with this guy, and I feel like I have lost him too.  All for no reason is the hard thing.

The old man gets angry when I try to talk to him and it is getting worse.  I feel like I‘m definately walking around on eggshells. 

He also mentions to me some weird thing about I need to earn this or that thing from him.  I need to earn the right to talk to him,earn us having a home together, earn this earn that.  He seems to have set up a system where I have to continually try to be "good enough" for him, yet I was in a long-term relationship before where I already had all that, so I know better.  Only he‘s really an angry and controlling guy who generally is not happy.  Some people you can‘t make happy in life I have found out.

This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

Who the hell does he think he is? You shouldn‘t have to earn it...It is a mutual respect....

Let me ask you this...why do you stay?

I don‘t want to be anymore.  Thanks for all the help.  Today he called me a crazy person again, said all my friends and counselors are out to "get him" and that I dont‘ have the right to ask him to get addiction help.  He is trying to tell me I‘m so bad I don‘t deserve better so I stick around.  He told me my dad doesn‘t like me, which isn‘t true even.  He never even has met him more than twice at a restaurant cause he doesn‘t speak to my folks at all ever.  He doesn‘t speak to his either unless its a holiday.

Then he said he needs to think about whether he can ever "forgive me" for confronting him about the eating.  Yeah, I did get upset finally after a few years.

He‘s on WOW and Civ all the time, he checks out from reality all the time.  He is always doing something else when I am with him, or other folks either.  He is watching TV when they are talking, on the computer while they are talking, he never listens to me I feel like.

For reasons that are only known to you, you are not ready to go.  I suspect that somewhere in your mind you think that one day he‘ll do a complete turnaround.  I can tell you from experience that it will not happen.  You could spend your whole life trying to make him see the light.  He still won‘t see it.  In the end, you‘ll just be very hurt and wondering why you wasted so much time trying to fix him.  You‘ll also wonder what your life could have, should have, would have been had you just spent all that time on yourself instead.

YOU ARE NOT failing him.  HE IS failing you.  Also, you are failing yourself.  I spent many years with a narcissist.  I know what I‘m talking about. 

Quoting the author of Eat, Love, Pray.. "Put a backbone where your wishbone is."   

Your options are to stay with him and continue to be a "victim," or to get away from him and give yourself a chance at being happy.   Your choice.  What‘s it going to be?

Thanks for the help, you are right.  His new thing is "since you are only a housewife you don‘t have the right to say anything to me."   Or, since you are a housewife, I don‘t have to take you out. What did he think was going to happen if I got pregnant later.  Scary.

I get his all the time even though I take care of our 3 pets and the house and that allows him to work extra hours when he needs to.  He only has to takesout the trash once a week which it is lucky if he even remembers.  He is always saying that his job (he works as a salesperson at the mall) is more important than what I do at home.  My sleep doesn‘t matter because my job isn‘t important. 

Learning has very good points...

No man or person has the right to speak to you that way, treat you poorly, or belittle you...and that‘s how your (suppose to be) supportive second half is treating you. People can only treat us this way if we let them.

This is the person who‘s supposed to pick you up when your down..... not capitalize on it.

I have struggled with eating disorders much of my life. 

I would equate the behavior as being just as addictive as alcoholism or drug addiction.  The only difference is that the compulsive overeater doesn‘t become high and/or intoxicated.  The reasons for abusing food, though, is pretty much the same.

Eating is a source of comfort.  It‘s an escape.  Unlike other addictions, you can‘t quit eating. 

I can tell you that criticism and threats do no good.  The compulsive overeater isn‘t binging just so that he can hurt you.  It is a symptom that he‘s eating over what is eating at him.

If anything, nitpicking and nagging will only make the problem worse.  He will either become angry and defensive (which you already are seeing), or he will "sneak" food and eat when he is not around you so that he will not have to listen to your comments about it.

Trust me - if he is abusing food, he has enough self hatred to pass around.  He already knows he is a disappointment to you, and chances are, he is a very big disappointment to himself.

You can‘t fix it.  You can‘t make him stop or force him to go on a diet.  If and when he decides to stop - or to lose weight - will be when he decides he really wants to change.  And when that happens, he will need a tremendous amount of emotional support and unconditional love to stick with it.  And if he does make that choice, do NOT talk to him about his weight or about how good he will look when he loses it, and all those things that people do that "they" think is showing support.  It not only makes the person feel "pressured" to lose weight - it also sends the message, "I will only love you if you are thin."

If you really want to help him change, show true emotional support.

The fat person - or compulsive eater - is eating to pacify his feelings.  You need encourage him to talk, and you need to really listen.  He probably has a ton of anger that he‘s holding in, and a ****load of resentments.  He probably needs to vent, and has learned that no one wants to listen.  Food is a "best friend" that is always there.  He needs to replace his "best friend" with a person.

And let‘s face it, the most discriminated group in the country includes the overweight.  There are people who have actually said they would rather have cancer than to be fat.  The overweight receive messages of discrimination and rejection everywhere they go.

Your love needs to be unconditional - meaning you need to show him that you like him for him - not for what he looks like.  You need to recognize the good that is in him, and let him know that you really see it.  The compulsive eater has really low self esteem, and they need to hear that they have something to offer.  They need to be appreciated for their kindness, their intelligence, their competence, and their humor.

You need to let him know how worried you are for his health - in a kind, loving, non-judgmental way.  You‘re scared to death that he is going to die of a heart attack or stroke.  He needs to hear this concern, and the message needs to be that you care - NOT that he is unacceptable to you.

Have healthy food around.  Cook healthy meals.  Make things taste good.  If he eats a large, healthy meal, he may have fewer cravings for desserts.  There is a myth about low cal foods - the myth is that it tastes like SHIT.  They‘ve learned a lot in recent years.

You can invite him to go swimming with you, or dancing, or even for walks. 

I am not blaming you for his problem, because this is his problem, and he is the only one who can fix it. 

I am saying don‘t take it personally, because it isn‘t about you.  I am saying unconditional love and support can go a long, long way.

Thanks for the last post, it was great.  My folks both have had these issues, too. My dad more or less got better.  I am trying to get him some help.  I think he has depression which is causing it, I‘m just not sure if he is depressed or just abusive sometimes.

I do try to cook meals, but he is making all his meals large and separately because he wants to eat badly...last night it was a whole rack of ribs.  I also find all the food wrappers in his car from when he is not with me...he hits fast food, etc.  He hid alot of it when I met him.  He also doesn‘t want to be intimate due to his body issues, which I don‘t care about.  I only want to be with a good person.

Alpha - I know for me that I just had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Your husband may have to do the same.  For some, fear of death is a powerful motivator.  For others, it‘s a fear of waking up one day to weigh 400 pounds.  And others won‘t stop until there is a major health crisis, such as a heart attack, or getting Type 2 diabetes.

I don‘t often talk about this subject openly because it is so personal to me.

My relationship with food is similar to an alcoholic‘s relationship with the bottle.  Abstaining from self destructive eating is a challenge I face every single day.  Food itself is truly not the problem - it is a symptom of the problem. I make a choice every single day to abstain from compulsive overeating.

I now have a herniated disc and walk with a cane.  I am in a lot of pain every single day, and it is a struggle to do almost everything.  Bending is a problem, lifting is out of the question, and it is difficult to carry things when you have to balance yourself on a cane with one hand. 

After years of feeling "great" and being able to do anything, it sucks.  I have horses and can‘t ride.  I have to do barn chores (sometimes by myself), and must stop and rest several times with chores that I once breezed through in 30 minutes time.  Getting weight off doesn‘t eliminate the condition I have, but I am not about to gain any, and make this condition more excruciating to deal with.  Pain, in my case, is a powerful motivator.

In terms of maintaining abstinence, here is what I have learned helps me:

1)  Talking about my feelings.  What I like, what I don‘t like, what I need to do differently, and what I think about almost everything.  When I "vent" or "get it out" I tend to not want to overeat as much.

2)  Writing.  Since people cannot always be available to listen, writing is a wonderful form of self expression, accomplishes the same purpose, and helps me identify things I am upset about.  Did I mention that compulsive eaters are often really sensitive people?  "Hurt feelings" need to be expressed, and journaling is a great way to do it.  Also, when I am done, I have something to show for it, and I often go back and read things I‘ve written at a later time.

3) Lots of protein and vegetables, prepared in interesting ways, but never deep fried.  Eating at meal times only, and one plate.  Stir fry, and salads with chicken are good.

4)  Avoiding favorite "binge" foods or where there is more than "one."  Cookies and chips are my downfall.

5)  Avoid diets.  They are something you go on - and go off - and they not only take the joy out of eating, they usually set us up for failure.  Forget it.  I‘ve been on thousands of diets, lots hundreds of pounds, and my experience is that people usually gain it back - plus added pounds - and then they feel like a failure.  I say forget all that, and just eat healthy.  Changing habits is key, and that takes time.

6)  Is there any kind of exercise he enjoys?  Find it, and suggest the two of you go together.  If exercise is painful, he can do water aerobics.  You can join the YMCA, and you could do this as your time away from the kids.  We have one in my area that even provides child care.

7)  Not getting too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired.  Not spending too much time alone. 

8)  What does your husband like to do?  What excites him?  What motivates him?  Any non-food activities that can be incorporated into his life?  Maybe instead of watching sports on TV, just going to a live game?

9) Oh - and if you go off the food plan - blow it - no big deal.  Just turn around and get right back on it.  In fact, I also recommend including the occasional "dessert."  It satisfies the craving, and makes you feel less deprived.  You actually are less likely to binge in the long run.

10)  I don‘t weigh myself.  The only time I step on a scale is when I go to the doctor‘s office. 

Anyway, Alpha, I know you can‘t prevent your husband from eating like this.  He has to really want to change, and he has to want to do it for himself.  All you can do is tell him how worried you are for him, and how you are afraid you are going to lose him.  And you can assure him that you want him to be around for a long time.  For one thing, if something happens to him, who is going to take care of his family?

Is he on blood pressure medication?