WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / When he ignores my presence

Hello,

I am new to this forum.  I need advice from a neutral audience.  I am married to a man who, when he gets angry, doesn‘t acknowledge my presence.  I have known this since just before we got married (we hadn‘t argued until shortly before the wedding) till now, some 12 years later.  I have done not nice things. Once I asked him if the dryer broke (he put three consecutive loads of wash in there since the washer was done faster than the dryer and the dryer still hadn‘t dried the clothes) because he didn‘t know how to use one - since he grew up overseas.  Yes, rude of me - he didn‘t talk to me for four months.

That was eight years ago.  Now, a few weeks ago, I was ultra stressed out. I am working two jobs which each require tons of at home preparation for work and we have three young children.  It was time for a sports practice for our son and my kids and I were looking for the materials for the practice.  We couldn‘t find a thing.  My eldest daughter wouldn‘t help looking, she kept giving excuses.  I was so frustrated.  I cursed at my son, badly.  It was not pretty.  He is young.  This is not a habit of mine.  I am not a person who curses, but I had lost my patience.  All the while, my husband was sitting on the couch doing nothing.  I was pulling out of the garage and I called the house and didn‘t hang up properly on the cellphone.  My husband heard me curse at our son.  This was awful.  I was so upset I was crying.  Not an excuse. I know. 

I still feel bad for losing patience with my son. I will never do so ever again.  I know better.

My husband will not speak to me - this is going on one month.  He ignores me in front of all people. I am so tired of this.

Yes, I did the wrong thing.  I know just how rude and awful that was.  But I am a good mother.  I do so much (almost everything to take care of my kids) for my children - which is why I am up late getting my work done for tomorrow, because I don‘t have time to finish at a normal hour).

I cannot take this type of life.  I have no one to talk to. My sisters are knowing exactly how he is.  But he is too powerful.  I cannot live in this house any longer.  I cannot afford to leave.  Our area is too expensive. 

One of my parents suffers from a debilitating disease and the other is the caregiver.  I cannot ask for help.

What help is there.  I have suffered. I know I did the wrong thing here, but the reaction from him doesn‘t equal the wrong.  I know it doesn‘t have much to do with me - he is stressed at work too, his family life growing up wasn‘t great, etc...

But how do I live like this. How do I go on showing that I am worthy when I am ignored by the man who is supposed to love me. 

Has anyone dealt with a husband like this?  What can I do?

Why was he not helping look for the equipment? What does he do while you work two jobs? Does he help with the housework? Does he help with the kids?

He is childish and immature. I would suggets couseling but I have a feeling he would say that there was nothing wrong with him.

You need to decide if you want to continue to raise your children in a household like this. Children will begin to act like their parents. I would say that your daughter is already on her way.

Yes, this was a game my hubby tried to pull too.  He quit ignoring me for punishment when I failed to give him a message from his friend.

  He said "Why didn‘t you tell me?"  I said "It was that week you decided to ignore me, so I thought if you don‘t want to talk to me...why should I talk to you?"  You should have seen his eyes get big with realization.  It was priceless!

There is a way that you can make him wake up and smell the coffee.

He is NOT so powerful for one.  He is punishing you.  He does need counseling.  In a matter of fact way tell him this:

"Since you like to ignore me out of some sort of obscure punishment and pretend that I am not here, I will also pretend that YOU are not here.  I will no longer cook for you, clean anything that belongs to you nor will I wash your clothes or sleep with you." 

"I will also go out and talk to people who want to talk to me" And I will tell them all about your goofy ass treatment of me, until I am ready to divorce you. 

If you do not want this to happen make an appointment to a counselor today. Go until I feel you are better.

Now, be prepared to keep your word.  Remember doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.  If he don‘t change...be prepared to leave him....or kick him out.  Do see an attorney and find out what your rights may be.

Good Luck!

Miss Lovely posted this previously.....

The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse
I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, withdrawal of affection, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser‘s thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don‘t physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser.

Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser‘s existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it‘s meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any  ‘uncomfortable‘ topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself).

The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to ‘kill‘ you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically ‘murdered‘ by them, but your physical life goes on.

In my current relationship I have spent more days getting the ‘silent treatment‘ than not. Yes - I believe it is the ‘worst‘ of the Toxic Man‘s emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don‘t need this. Relationships aren‘t supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind.

I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can‘t remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn‘t wished for the abuser to just stop abusing, even if it‘s by death?

As with most abusers, the Toxic Man who withholds affection are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses:

• I needed to have some space
• I thought you needed some space
• I was feeling depressed and didn‘t want to drag you down with me
• I thought we both need a cooling off period
• I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation
• I just needed some time alone to think
• I didn‘t want to fight
• You told me to leave you alone
• Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out

Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse.

Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said:

"He uses it to punish me on a regular basis"

"I‘ve had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn‘t a ghost or invisible."

"I‘ve learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it‘s not...at least not for me.   ...and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn‘t even exist."

"That‘s all it took & he wouldn‘t speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn‘t live like that anymore."

"There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!"

The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It‘s almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that‘s the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that‘s in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn‘t even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his ‘control‘ was in knowing the fact that I couldn‘t leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose.

But that authority and control truly isn‘t love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person‘s way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can‘t abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser.

Isn‘t that leaving? I should think so!

Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection.

For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn‘t like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn‘t speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I couldn‘t live like that anymore.

Good point Busty!

I dealt with my husband‘s many forms of emotional and verbal abuse.  It seemed at the time that it was the lesser of the evils...but it truly isn‘t.

I remember walking around with the deafening silence and his face all screwed up like he had every right to be ignoring me because I was in his opinion, beneath him.

He actually had used this tactic again in the month or two before I kicked his ass to the curb.  Yes, that felt good to say!  Because in all reality that is what happened in the end.  He may have been threatening me to leave me and TELLING me that I had done it this time.  He didn‘t file for divorce.  I DID.

I take back telling you how to "deal with it".  It was coming from an abused frame of mind. 

In reality, if your husband is stopped from this he will probably go on to yelling.  He just needs to control.  You can try talking to him upfront and give him the ultimatum.  But YOU have to be prepared to leave him.  Prepare your heart to move on hon.

Miss L,

You are an awesome woman and despite the fact that it may not feel this way to you right about now........... you really are going to be A‘ OK!!

T

I found abusive partners to be huge "sulkers."

The "silent treatment" is very manipulative.  It‘s a passive/aggressive form of communication designed to keep someone "off balance."

I had a therapist ask me once, "Do you feel controlled when he gives you the silent treatment?"  I said, "Yes!"  It completely made me crazy when he refused to talk to me.  The more he would ignore me, the more I would pursue.  I would "walk on eggshells" around the house.

The therapist gave me an assignment.  He asked me what would happen if I just "got up and left."  Oh - and in parting - saying, "Well, since it appears that you aren‘t talking to me, I‘m getting a little bored, so I‘m leaving." 

I tried it.  I grabbed the car keys, and managed to be gone for a long time, and even started planning activities ahead.  It really helped me.  It also made it a whole lot less fun for him to sit and pout - because there was nobody watching.

I carried it a step further.  When he decided he was ready to "talk to me" again, I gave him a piece of his own medicine.  I told him I "didn‘t feel like talking about it."  I let him see what it felt like to get the silent treatment.

One advantage to pouting is that it‘s quiet.  My kids have tried it.  The problem is, I can always find ways to fill the hours!

That particular husband did stop that behavior.  It wasn‘t any fun for him to sit home and sulk by himself.

I so totally dated one of those guys once, it was toward the end of that relationship.  After I wasn‘t around anymore he was drinking alot, and it had turned out he had before I knew him.  He was just hard to deal with when sober for long stretches.  I think he has some depression issues too. 

The main thing is, these guys don‘t show a lot of remorse when they hurt you.  It is totally unacceptable.  Probably he is in some kind of pain himself, only you can know if that is true, but don‘t blame yourself it is definately not your fault. 

Also, they tend to set themselves up as the God in their house, and they decide who‘ll get affection when and if you disagree with them, they‘ll definately come down hard in my experience.  They are looking to pick you apart because they are angry people.  They also are controlling.  It is just like a parent trying to control a kid.  Ridiculous.

Jennifer J,

You asked....................

"GOD someone here please tell me how can I get him to see what he is doing?"

This part of your post really hit home for me on a personal level, obviously based on my own experiences.

Jennifer we cant get others to see the errors of their ways. We are simply human mortals and not God. The only people who can ever recognise the errors of their ways are indeed the very people committing those errors.

We are powerless over others. The only power we hold is over ourselves.

Its like that old proverb... we can take a horse to water but we sure as hell cant make it drink.

You could spend how ever much of your life begging, pleading and explaining to him how he makes you feel until you are either blue in the face or your voice is hoarse... it wont make much difference in my humble opinion. His controlling behaviours were long instilled in him, long before he entered your life and sadly they have been methods from which he has gained his desired outcome.

What you could do is more for yourself. Nothing says you have to put up with this punishment and having typed that, I now really want to add..... who is he to determine that you need punishing in the first instance?? Partnerships / relationships are not about having a dominant, controlling participant.

You should be an equal in this, not suffering, feeling depressed and not eating. You say you have health problems, not eating is not helping these.

I am guessing you are like I was in my marriage, very forgiving, feeling some what trapped to an extent and more than anything else, loving this man with a passion that over rides anything needed or important to your own well being.

Jennifer, you wont change him ever... how ever hard you try. Only he can change himself and his behaviours. To do that he needs to have a good, long hard look at himself. The chances of him doing that are pretty slim, I think.

The power / change you can affect is right there inside of you and concerns only you. You wouldnt want a punch in the face believe me, I dont actually think there is much difference between  the personal damage caused by any abuse.

Make it that you are not alone, make it be all about you from here on in. This site is full of people who have felt like you have, who have been on the floor with it all and seen no way forward. Have felt so lost that no way forward has been imagineable.

Not so girlie, I and others here are living proof of it. To start you need to give up the battle trying to change him because you never will... and begin the one to change you.... because thats so, so so doable and worth its weight in gold.

I hope you stick around.

Tula