WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / controlling

Here is my story my fiance is so controlling. He fights with me over my friends all the time it seems like anything that gives me any happiness makes him mad.

I have a wedding to go to with 3 of my girl friends and he is fighting with me telling me is disrespectful that he isnt invited and i souldnt go. he hates the girls family that is getting married and he wouldnt go anyway.

He is so angry he pounded his fist on the counter and says you act like you are single im engaged but not married and what should that matter anyways it is ok to have friends isnt it? please give me some imput.

I have never cheated or gave him any reason to be jealous or insecure.

I‘ve read your other posts as well and all I can think is:  Why on Earth do you want to marry this guy?

 If i were you that is what i would do.

RUN AND RUN REAL FAST AWAY FROM IT, I WOULD BE A BEAMING LITE AT THE HORIZON AND PUFF AND NEVER  SEEN AGAIN BY IT FOREVER.

PEACE

SUMMER 

I‘ll add to the "good-bye" list.  Say good bye to: 

Your friends... the ones you still have will only listen to your cries of woe for so long.

Your family.... he WILL eventually isolate you from them.  It may not seem that way at all.  It will "seem" like there is just too much to do at home that you don‘t have time to see them.  All the while it‘s all the jobs he‘s giving you to do that makes it impossible for you to have any time for anyone BUT him.

Your self-esteem.... he won‘t ease up on you until it‘s gone.   What‘s happening in your r‘ship now is NOTHING compared to what will happen once he breaks your self-esteem.

The list goes on and on.  Sorry to be so harsh, but if you‘re not happily engaged, what makes you think you‘ll be happily married?

ETA:  You may think we know nothing, that we don‘t know your guy and we‘re just bashing.  However, I assure you that all of the advice and words to ponder you‘ve gotten so far comes from experience. 

If you marry him all the things he‘s doing and saying WILL escalate. Learning is 100% right. He will isolate you from everything and everyone you love. He will wear you down to the point where all you have is him, so you‘ll never leave him, and be under his thumb...and that‘s exactly what he wants.

Don‘t marry him...how can you spend your life with someone who could care less about your happiness and care so much about controling every move you make?

You came to the abuse section for a reason.  I think you do understand or have an inkling as to what is going on here. Now he is pounding the cupboards.  Marry him and he will be pounding on you.

He is already yelling at you, accusing you and trying to make you feel bad.  I guarantee this will only get worse.

He should be sweet and supportive.  Instead he dislikes this person and the other...actually a whole family.  Pretty soon it will be your friends that you shouldn‘t be hanging out with because they are single and you are not. etc. 

Your friend didn‘t invite him to the wedding because he is not liked by many.  They might not say it to your face because you haven‘t asked, but they see the monster in him. 

My best friend would not come to my wedding.  Years later I find out it was because she did NOT like my husband.  She was right.  He was an abuser and a cheater.

RUN! 

Oh my he sent me a text that said u need to decide us or the bull**** ur friends pull

he also tells me i act single and im not well i still am im not married and other times he says it isnt much wonder why you are 39 and still single.

he also says it isnt much wonder why i have been cheated on in the past.

i really appreciate everyones input on this matter now i need to see what i need to to we have a house together so it isnt as simple as me packing up and moving out.

Thank you so much for coming back and posting.  I was REALLY WORRIED that we were scaring you off.  I am so relieved right now. 

I‘m sorry, but I had to laugh at him for what he texted you.   Oh my can I remember those days all too well.

His saying your friends are BS, no wonder your whatever age and single, no wonder you‘ve been cheated on...those are ALL tell-tale signs of an extremely bleak future for you with him.  Trust me, that kind of stuff is only the beginning.

I‘m happy for you that you‘re re-thinking a future with this guy. 

It is that simple as packing up and moving out.

Get help and a place to stay from one of your friends.  Show them the text messages.

Did you put money down on the house as well?  If you did then you may have to take him to court, but it will be like a divorce.  The court will decide how much he owes you etc.

Did you sign a mortgage agreement together?  Is your name on the loan? 

39 and SANE is better than being torn down by this guy.  So no worries love.  You got along all this time without him.  Heaven knows that you would be feeling horrible, if not suicidal with his verbal abuse in time.  This is the beginning of domestic violence.

  As soon as he hears you tell him that you are breaking up with him he will be apologetic,.  He may even agree to go to counseling with you.  My husband did.  Marriage counseling means nothing and helps nothing when one of you is an abuser.  He will fnd fault in the counselor.  Then he will say that is crap.

I‘m sorry, but there is no other way out of it.  I am 44 and a single mother to 4 children.  Two of them are only 5 and 6 years old.  I was scared to death.  I still am some days. But only because my husband somehow made me dependant upon him.  Which I found out I wasn‘t.  Kaylar said something profound in another post.  I didn‘t realize that he had done this until afterward.  I didn‘t think he kept me from my family.  But he did.  He made sure that I had WAY TO MUCH WORK TO GET DONE.  How? He never helped out.  With anything.  If I asked him for help he would throw a temper tantrum. Punish me for days, so that I would not ask for help again.

You can do this girl.  Make that phone call.  Get out.  You will be breathing a sigh of relief.

Quote from The Rodonthe:

"There is another kind of love out there.  It is a love that makes you more than you are, not less than.  I want you to wait for it.  I want you to hold out for it."

MissL

I can go to my dads house so i have a place to go.

yes i put all the money down on the house and its in both our names.

He scares me at time yelling and the look in his eyes but he has never hit me. He is a cop and a body builder a little intimidating.

we have already been to counceling and are going back he makes me think like this stuff is all my fault and i know it isnt.

he send me an email that says paybacks are a bit** its like any thing i do he has to pay me back for and i havent done anything wrong.

his parents do nothing alone and are together always but mine are divored and have never had any of these issues.

i know all of you are right but its so hard

well im not getting married i do know that for sure but now i have to see what to do about the house.

you guys didnt scare me away i have just been thinking alot.

so you were in my position before?

my friends are like family to me. my family have never been really close but my friends have always been there and i need them and who is he to tell me i dont!  this is what makes me so mad.

why is it too much to ask to have both a boyfriend and friends.

i feel like i live in a cage. my dad didnt tell me what i can and can not do so why sould he....

please listen to these girls...they for sure know what they are talking about.

the more you stay there cuz you cant figure out what to do with the house the worse things are gonna get.

move out and then figure out what to do about the house.

Oh my goodness!  You aren‘t even married and you have been to counseling?  We went to about 5 counselors together.  Most of them did not see the abuse.  Because we were fine...if I didn‘t bring up the things he had done. 

The first counselor that we went to was a psychologist.  She diagnosed my husband as a narcissist.  She was worried about me and told me that unless he really tried to help himself that I needed to have a plan to get out.

Your boyfriend being a cop tells me that he is into the power and control.  He is now trying to control you. 

PLEASE SAVE THOSE texts and emails where he is talking about paybacks being a bitch.  This is a threat dear.  And it‘s written down.  In fact if you can get him to write a few more that would be good.  I think you may need to get an order of protection.  You do not want him stalking you. You just want it over.

When you leave him, do it calmly without any discussion.  He will twist your words, then it will be all your fault.  etc.  Let him blame you if he has to, just tell him you are sorry but this is not working out.  This is not what I want in my life.  That way you have not brought your friends into it, he can‘t blame them and you haven‘t shifted any guilt to him that will make him angrier with you than he already is.

Get your proof of how much you put down on the house.  Go to an attorney,  get your money back either by selling the house, or he can get a loan in his name and pay you back the down payment. My guess is that he can‘t come up with it.  You will have to sell the house.

This is how he has you stuck.  But if you can get either a judge to make him move out, or you move it has to be done.

I was caught in the same boat.  I put the money down, but my husband had the loan in his name only.  When he threatened my son with physical harm I called the police.  We got an order of protection and he was made to move out.

He was pissed as hell.  NOW he claims that it wasn‘t that big of a deal and that I exaggerated.  At the time he did admit to it to the police.  I don‘t believe he understood the severity of what he had done, and how this was going to affect him staying in the house.

I know you are thinking about how to do this and are making your plans.  When he finds out about your plans he will suddenly be sorry.  Be aware that he is NOT sorry.  He will just be thinking OOPS! This is not what I wanted!  How do I get her to change her mind?

What‘s love got to do with this?  NOTHING.

I am so very proud of you.  Your head is definitely in the right place.  You should be doing a lot of thinking.  You should be thinking about exactly what you said you are.  Lean on your friends.  They‘re there for you and want to see you happy and mentally healthy.

For sure I have been in your position before.   He was an abuser to a T.  And We bought a house; I coughed up the down payment, and we put the mortgage in his name.   Shortly after, he was injured and out of work, leaving me to carry the WHOPPER of a mortgage and every single other bill he/I/we had for a long time.  When I knew it was time to end it, I just walked out the door...forgetting about the $$$.   It wasn‘t easy at all to forget it, but maintaining my sanity was of utmost importance at the time.

Your situation is different since your name is on it.  Do what you have to as far as that goes, but you certainly do not have to live there to accomplish that task.  If I were you, though, I‘d definitely videotape the condition the house is left in at your departure...just in case he tries to pull a fast one by busting it up and saying you did it. 

I ended that relationship 2 years ago.  At that time, I never thought my smile would see the light of day again.  Thankfully, I couldn‘t have been more wrong.

When you do leave him, just ignore everything he‘ll have to say.  At first, he‘ll be ever so sorry.  Then, when that doesn‘t work on you, you‘ll be every vile adjective he can think of.  Well, that‘s what mine did anyway.  The morning I was leaving, he told me I‘d be single for the rest of my life.  I didn‘t respond.  I knew that wasn‘t true, but more importantly, I knew that even if it does turn out that way I‘d still be way better of than being with him.  After all, it‘s better to have loved and lost than to have married a "psycho."