WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / THE SECRET OF WHY REVEALED

I have missed your words because they make so much sense when read carefully.

Tula

Oh My Goodness Kaylar! You are SOOOO right about that one!

I still vaguely wondered if it was my fault, and maybe my husband wasn‘t cheating etc.  Maybe he had a right to be angry for me suspecting him....Even though there was much proof.  I still left him because of the horrible way he treated me in the end.  Now I understand that it takes  a huge amount of covering up for an affair and that it made him angry......!  He actually RESTENTED ME, because he wouldn‘t leave, he would rather cheat.

Now, after all this time I ran into a woman who was my husband‘s X sister in law.  She tells me all.  My husband was the cheater in that marriage as well!

He had told me that his X - wife had left him for another man!  I couldn‘t understand why he didn‘t get how I felt.  The secrets lunches I found out about, the emails..etc.  My husband lies about everything. From the get go our marriage has been one big lie.

If I had bothered to wait instead of getting married to this fool within 10 months of meeting him I would have known the truth.  If possible...you should be able to talk to the ex-wife.

My husband‘s mother was adamant that it was his x-wife‘s daughter‘s fault that broke up their marriage.  Now she is convinced that it is my son who broke up ours.  She claims to be for us..yet she would not talk to my husband when I asked her to.  His mother actually told me she thought we should get a divorce.  What a ****ed up mother she is.  Why wouldn‘t she straighten out her son?

You‘ll probably never find out the reason(s) for that one, Ms. Luvly.  I‘ll take a stab at a guess, though....

Maybe if she did talk to him, he would throw some things about his childhood in her face that would be painful.  Who knows what her and her husband‘s r‘ship was/is like.  Maybe there‘s something there that keeps her hiding from the truth.  She‘s apparently become accustomed to that.  Or it could simply be that she is one of those my-child-does-no-wrong moms.

I‘m glad you had the opportunity to speak with the ex.  That must‘ve taken your mental state leaps and bounds to a better place.

Hey Kaylar,

Well the truth does come out eventually.  There was another one that he was calling while he was still living here and we hadn‘t talked about divorce.  That was a "Darla".  That name had actually came out of his mouth a few times now that I look back.

My kids came home today and talked about her.  He is dating her.  He took my kids to HER house this weekend while he had them. It still upsets me to realize that everything that came out of his mouth was nothing but lies.

He has no morales.  He is empty and dead inside. How could he do this to someone who was always trying to work on our marriage?  No wonder it couldn‘t work.  I told him that if he didn‘t want to be married to me to just leave, that if he was cheating to let me know and not make me the fool.

Now I don‘t think I could look at him without wanting to hit him.

Well that was the weird part. When I met DLB (dumblazybastard)  he had some friends. 4 to be exact.  Not ONE of them had been married.  To this day only one of them has married.  But they were only friends because they worked together.  They all think hitting the strip clubs is cool and they feel connected to the strippers because they are earning their way through college!  What a laugh! 

He wasn‘t close to his Mom and the others, but his NON-working Dad was living with him.  His Dad would later come and live with us on occasion.

When we married and had children, suddenly he started developing a relationship with his younger sister again.  Then I realized in the last year of our marriage that he had been getting closer to them so he could line them up as jurrors.

That is SO TRUE!  When we were first dating he was driving 60 miles one way each day just to see me.  Sex was daily if not two to three times.  I would wake up to him kissing me.  I would be deprived of sleep and wonder how come he didn‘t seem to need any and wished he would leave me alone for awhile.

Then suddenly in a flash one day after we had been married about 9 months he was screaming at me that he wanted a divorce.  He was throwing things at me and telling me that he hated me.

I was pregnant.  It was such a shock.  I assumed that he would love me even more for having his child.  Instead he knew I could not leave him.  I was trapped.

He didn‘t really want a divorce.  This was a way to hurt me.  So he could SEE THE HURT.  Sometimes when he had me crying I would look up and see him smiling down at me in a very condescending way. 

That peep hole of what was really going on in his mind helped me to see that he is evil.

Thank you for the advice and the insight Kaylar.

It has been 9 months since my husband has been in the house.

Even though he has been gone.  I have been punishing myself for the demise of our marriage.  I thought maybe if I had done this differently...maybe he‘s right and he wasn‘t lying and I was falsely accusing him...and on and on.

He did send quite a few nasty emails which he further belittled me.  As the abused wife I sent him an email back forgiving him.  At the time, I thought I needed to forgive him in order to heal myself.  He sent one back telling me that I was lying, and that I was so low inside that I was immediately looking for another man.  and on and on....to fill some black hole...and on and on.

I finally was able to stop his emails.  It felt wonderful.  FREE!  Then I found out that he was dating someone and taking the kids to see her.  DOWN that path of wanting to save my marriage and wanting him back again.

I mean why didn‘t he LOVE ME?  Why was he spending that first really nice self that he has on her?  Yes, that was the part I was jealous about.  That I know how he can be in the beginning.  And since I had worked so hard to deserve to be treated like that...he should be treating me like that.  But I know that all he thinks and says about me is that I am a bitch. 

Deep down I realize that he cannot hold up this facade for even as long as he did with me.  Soon it will be her he will be yelling at.  My counselor says she‘s probably just like me and a very nice person.  Because he couldn‘t do this to someone who is like him.

The thing is I have been punishing myself.  It‘s like it‘s been programmed into me.

Now I am realizing that MY HUSBAND OWNS THIS.  Not me.  He is the cause of our marriage failing.  I gave him books (Steven Stosny Love Without Hurt), asked for counseling, begged him to quit calling me names.  Until I started calling him names back. Only when I yelled the names at him did he think it was wrong.  When he did it he simply forgot that he had said those things.

The only thing I did different from the girl to the right of me who is in a happy marriage is that I unwittingly picked an abuser.

He lied his way into my life.  Just like you say Kaylar. If he had been calling me a bitch and cheating on me the first few months would we be together?  NO.  I would have gotten rid of his petty ass. 

He‘s a big fat liar.  And for the record I feel I have every right to call him a jackass.  The song Insane In The Brain comes to mind.  I think that will be the song I think of every time I see him.

Now for healing me.  This realization helps.  I have been making it on my own with 4 kids.  I am doing it.  I can‘t possibly be out there searching for a new guy (lmao) because I am now too skeptical.  I need to heal me first.  Nobody would want a doormat.  And anyone that does I need to be very affraid of.

So now..what were my dreams before the evil one stepped into my life?  I‘m working on them.  Where did I go?

It‘s a brand-new start on life, a brand-new you.   Fear ye not...for even if you cannot remember what those dreams were, you are now free to create new ones.  And in that process, who knows...maybe those old dreams will resurface again only to be improved upon. 

I am wife #2.  I am the one with the restraining order and to be exact...5 kids.

He was married to wife #1 for less than a year.  She didn‘t take his crap apparently.  He did tell me that she had cheated on him and that she had left him for another man.  I recently met her sister.  It turns out DLB treated her and her daughter like he did me early on.  With me he had to wait awhile before his true colors came out.

He had also mentioned that he had gotten fired from his job as a corporate trainer for fratinizing with an employee.  The story that he told me was that her husband had been with them, they went out to play some pool and that he went home.

  According to the ex, this was not true.  He had moved down to SD ahead of her...and had cheated on her with the employee that got him fired from his job.  Later I END UP PAYING FOR HIS CAR that got repoed because he lost his job because he was screwing an employee. 

My husband‘s sister on our wedding day threatened me telling me that I had better not hurt her brother the way that his ex did.  I was really taken aback.  Yet, while I was thinking of divorcing him, I had to call her to tell her I was sorry, that I couldn‘t take his treatment of me anymore. 

What the sister-in-law said shocked me.  She said that his tantrums, the screaming yelling, name calling was exactly what her father used to do in their household.  That her mother frequently had to pack up all the kids and leave the house.  She told me that she did not blame me.  She said to leave, because she had been there.  Now, since the divorce is really happening NONE of his family contact me.  I feel betrayed by all of them.

He stopped at getting physical.  In the beginning he came at me with fists clenched and made me jump back. I told him upfront that if he hit me I would divorce him. He later found a way to use THAT against me.  Instead he would throw things at me and call me a bitch.  He instead learned to be the best emotional abuser in the world. 

I do feel with the next one he will not be able to hold on to the nice persona for very long.  I also think the next one will unwittingly get hit.  That is what he truly wants to do, he just needs to find someone willing. 

I am sick of thinking "if".  IF nothing.  He is what he is and I can‘t change that.  God wants me to change the fact that I feel low enough about myself and my kids to put up with that.