WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / When will it be over?

I haven‘t posted on line in awhile.  I discovered my STBX was hacking my email and my facebook account along with my ebay acoount.  So I am pretty sure he reads anything that I post.

I am just really going through a stressful time.  I wish the divorce was over, along with missing having a marriage. Even though the marriage was dysunctional. Funny I don‘t miss him though, not really.  I miss him when he was kind.  He just wasn‘t kind very often in the last year.  In fact, he told me that he had been punishing me for 4 years straight.  All because I got upset that he went out with a friend who happened to be a girl and he tried to hide it from me.  Because I got my feelings hurt, he thought that punishing me by not taking me out would be the answer.  Man is he ****ed up.  No wonder I am.

I went out on a date last night.  The only thing I could think about was how this man could possibly hurt me in the future.  I was home by 11 pm.  He was courteous, he opened doors and didn‘t even try to hold my hand.  What did he do to set me into "run" mode?  He said that he had gotten upset at his supervisor at work and had hit "something" and had bruised his knuckles.  He is now on some sort of probation at work.  To me this is a huge warning sign.

All I could picture was him in my home throwing a fit like my STBX husband and breaking things and hitting doors while yelling.

In the beginning, I was happy that he was doing the normal date thing, you know dinner, movie.  Ah life and people make my head hurt.

Trust your instincts. Sounds like they‘re telling you to run the other way!

Big step forward for you Miss....trusting yourself, keep doing that!

Thanks for the back up girls!

I have been ignoring his messages.  Now he has stopped, so I am sure he has the idea.  I had a bunch of harrassment from my STBX.  I am hitting him with a restraining order this time. My attorney must have gotten through to his attorney and his attorney must have gotten through to his thick skull to leave me alone.  It has been peaceful on the home front now for 2 weeks.  I feel like a new woman!

On the bright side...and there is one.  In June I got an email from a guy I used to date before and at the same time I met my husband.  I only broke it off because he lived in Colorado and my relationship with DLB had gotten serious.

He said he kept seeing my picture and email address and always smiled.  Then he apologized for emailing me because last he heard I had gotten married.  My response was Impeccable timing! He was always sweet, soft spoken and I appreciate the fact that he always looks on the bright side of everything.

I can‘t believe in 8 years he hasn‘t gotten married!  He is now living in Arizona.  We have been texting daily and talking on the phone.  He is going to come and visit me.  He also remembers everything about me. Calls me Sugar and says coming to see me is like a kid waiting for Christmas.

Even if this doesn‘t turn out.  It‘s a nice scenic tour.  I have always respected him.

Measle wrote:

Miss Luvly1 wrote: Thanks for the back up girls! I have been ignoring his messages.  Now he has stopped, so I am sure he has the idea.  I had a bunch of harrassment from my STBX.  I am hitting him with a restraining order this time. My attorney must have gotten through to his attorney and his attorney must have gotten through to his thick skull to leave me alone.  It has been peaceful on the home front now for 2 weeks.  I feel like a new woman! On the bright side...and there is one.  In June I got an email from a guy I used to date before and at the same time I met my husband.  I only broke it off because he lived in Colorado and my relationship with DLB had gotten serious. He said he kept seeing my picture and email address and always smiled.  Then he apologized for emailing me because last he heard I had gotten married.  My response was Impeccable timing! He was always sweet, soft spoken and I appreciate the fact that he always looks on the bright side of everything. I can‘t believe in 8 years he hasn‘t gotten married!  He is now living in Arizona.  We have been texting daily and talking on the phone.  He is going to come and visit me.  He also remembers everything about me. Calls me Sugar and says coming to see me is like a kid waiting for Christmas. Even if this doesn‘t turn out.  It‘s a nice scenic tour.  I have always respected him. MISSY‘S GONNA GET SOME, MISSY‘S GONNA GET SOME!

  Too Funny!  My older kids are wondering just how this is going to pan out.  They have got him sleeping on the couch.  I figured he could have my daughter‘s room since she sleeps with me anyway.  But my 15 year old knew exactly what the plan was..."We are NOT leaving you alone with him during the day while we are at school".

Oh he‘s a bright kid.  I just can‘t figure out how HE Figured that one out.

Thanks for the advice Talutah.  I won‘t have to worry about it.  He had some unexpected bills come up and now can‘t afford to come and visit.

To put your mind a bit at ease.  He is originally from here...my small hometown.  He was not going to just stay with me for the whole week.  His Mom and grandfather now have moved 60 miles from here and he was going to visit them, and also other friends in the area.

I would never leave him alone in my house with my children.  I work on the weekends and he was planning on being with his Mom for 4 days. 

Like I say, I no longer have to worry about it.  His car broke down and he has a huge repair bill.  It was nice thinking about it.  But also a bit scary.  He was talking about putting out some resumes up here.  I am kind of flattered, but I don‘t want to be responsible for someone moving across the country.  Even though his family is here too.

I kind of think that he is also rethinking things.  I was happy because I know him as a safe man to date.  He was always very soft spoken, kind, and sort of like a kid at heart.

This is too much pressure, for me at this time as well.

You need a safe and good man to date....You deserve it Miss!!!

Sorry to hear he‘s not coming...but with his family there I‘m sure you‘ll see him eventually...

As for your kids being protective of you...I think they were raised right...Looking out for their mom! That‘s great!

Hiya Miss L

Its never easy coming out of a marriage and "getting out there". God only knows that I know!!

I have recently started dating a guy and whom to me represents everything in a man that I so havent gone for ever. He talks, thinks, and is considerate BUT its my stuff that holds me back. I have on many occassion typed away on these boards and given what I thought to be good, caring advice....... its a long road to travel... looking within ourselves to see our defaults, the very things that keep us going back time and time again to the same old.

When I finally suss out the answer to this one, I will be sure to share with you girlie. Until then, have fun, real good fun but look after yourself bigtime.

Kind regards and best wishes

Tula

Hey Tula,

It is really tough getting out there!  Congrats on finding someone and taking your time to do so.

I have too much at stake to just "date".  Too much going on really.  I am raising 4 kids by myself.  I run a business and my home by myself.  There isn‘t time in the day to go anywhere to meet anyone.

So, I have taken it upon myself to work on just self improvement for now.  I gained a ton of weight while being verbally and emotionally abused by my husband.  The last year with him was the worst.  Since he‘s been gone I have lost 17 lbs.  I have a ways to go, but I think depression because of my marriage caused a great deal of the weight gain.

So now I have to look in the mirror and ask who I am.  The person staring back at me is incredulously saying "That‘s NOT YOU!".   The depression still creeps in once in awhile to rear it‘s ugly head.  I go to the gym because it‘s pretty hard to cry while your on a treadmill. 

It‘s blows my mind to think that he did this to me! I can now look and see that I am a shell of the person I used to be. 

 My sons were worried about me and they taped some of the times he was screaming and yelling at me.  I always thought that it had to sound like I was fighting with him as well.  I listened to some of the tracks for the first time last night.  He is ranting with hatred in his voice.  Disdain for me continually.  In one of the tapes I had just been trying to get him to understand how he was hurting me.  He just yelled and screamed at me how I was wrong  and how I thought I was the only person being hurt.  Basically he was turning it around and yelling at me so that nothing I said was heard. 

My voice was never angry.  It was weak and defensive.  Only his point of view could be heard.  Only his view was what he accepted.

Two days ago I learned he was seeing a woman by the name of  Darla.  He has taken our kids to her house twice now.  I also found out that there were more than 3 women he cheated on me with.  He was cheating on me basically during our whole marriage and even before we were married.  I knew he had contact with a woman named Darla before we were separated.

I  had been married to a psycho - monster.  I remember crying while he was yelling at me.  And he would smile a condescending smile because he was happy that he could hurt me to a new level.  He is heartless.  He is evil.

 How do I get me back?  How do I make the memory of him go away?

 Miss L,

How do you get you back??

Miss L, right about now, I sincerely wish there was a magic answer / formula that I could just share with you and it would make it all better for you. Sadly there isnt.

Its 2.5 years for me now and I clearly remember the day Lorrie told me it would take about 2 years when I asked her the exact same question.

Time..... and then some more people here and in my real life told me the same .... time!! I prayed for time to pass, did what I could to will it by.

It wasnt going by quickly enough for me until the day I realised that although time was passing, I wasnt doing much with its passing.... if that makes sense?

Guarrenteed I wasnt in your position, my one daughter was grown up so I had no dependents to care for and only had to work. Still it felt like nothing was changing, I wasnt "getting better" and I feared I‘d always be the same.

My days revolved around all the things he had done to me, what he might have been doing now and who with. My days were consumed with what was, what should have been and what was with him.... nothing much about myself in my here and now.

I saw a counsellor throughout it all and my eventual divorce. She told me that I‘d stay forever kinda stuck if I didnt change how I was thinking and what I was doing. I left hers that day feeling worse, miffed and confused.

Next time I saw her I asked her, what I was supposed to do. I was so sick of it. I felt so lost, didnt recognise who and what I had become. I really believed back then that my exh had it made and was all ok and I was forever doomed.

She told me to deal with it by getting real.

Miss L, this did work for me eventually over time. It worked when I actually got my head around what "getting real meant". I had to learn to not only sit with my feelings but actually identify just what they were. Something I have never been that good at. I got better at this by writing it all down... I must be responsible for a quarter of a rain forest somewhere.

I did writing exercises around who and what I was before I even met him. Then some more on how this had all changed while with him. Then compared it to how I was right at that time. When ever I had fantasy thoughts about how I imagined his life to be, I had to write realistically about just how he was. I printed off some of the stuff here, especially the one called " and you think she is so different". I read it and wrote till I could cope with how it felt at that time.

Your true you will come back. Know that she has been battered and demeaned and the hurt will take some time to heal. Hurts heal better with tender care and now you need to take tender care of you and that may mean doing all that you possibly can to make it happen. Trying absolutely anything if it‘ll make it better for you.

As for me dating girlie, let me tell you.... time is a wonderous thing...... I actually wonder if I have got to know me too well today, its not easy and I‘m not prepared to settle for any old thing, its got to be right for me too. We will see.

Huge  for you

Tula