WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Lies Abused Women Tell Themselves

There are, apparently, two kinds of abused women; those who grow up in a climate of abuse, and those who grow up in functional families, enjoy a healthy relationship but then become vulnerable either through bereavement or another major life crisis.

Of the many, many women who have spoken or written to me over the years, offhand, I can only think of two who belong to the second category.

However different their past experiences of relationships may have been, nevertheless, in the course of their abusive relationship, the beliefs of these two groups of women become, tragically, indistinguishable.

This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it.

There are, essentially, two ways that they learn. The first is from what their partner says. The second is from their interpretation of his behaviour.

An abusive partner rapidly becomes the most influential person in their life.
He has the power to take them to dizzy heights of happiness (although the statistical odds of this happening decrease markedly the longer the relationship limps on).

He has the power to plunge them into the depths of despair, and usually does. When he does, his partner needs to explain what has happened to herself. She has been consistently programmed to believe that he is a precious diamond (albeit a diamond in the rough). Therefore the problems in the relationship cannot really be his. That being the case, they must be hers, mustn‘t they?

Theoretically, there is good news here: if the responsibility for what goes wrong with the relationship lies with her, then she has only to discover what she is doing wrong to be able to change it. Then he will shed the harshness he sometimes exhibits and forever after they will live a life of unparalleled joy and delight...

(Yeah, right.)

Last night I watched the wonderful Derren Brown illustrate how susceptible human beings are to suspicion. He created a situation that encouraged 5 people, of proven intelligence, to believe that their random, meaningless acts could produce the outcome they desired.

The best of it was that these 5 resourceful individuals become so obsessed with futile behaviours, and looking for futile meanings, that they missed the solution which he had displayed, quite prominently, hidden in full view; had they only had the mindfulness to look. They didn‘t.

My guess is that you have probably done that in your relationship. I know I did.

So here are some of the lies that blind abused women to the reality of their relationship that is hidden in full view.

"It‘s all my fault". Is your partner, perhaps, a newborn baby that he can avoid all responsibility for his own behaviour? When he screams obscenities, foams at the mouth, punches holes in the wall, or worse, does he have absolutely no control? Are you really that powerful? (If so, how come you generally feel so powerless in the situation??)

"I‘m being stupid". Yes, you are, but not for the reasons you think. If you can totally discount your profound feelings of unhappiness, I have to admit that is a kind of emotional stupidity. If you are unhappy around him, the message you need to hear is that being around him makes you miserable. You can be much happier without him; once you get over the belief that you need him to make you happy.

"He doesn‘t mean it/ doesn‘t want to hurt me". Maybe, just maybe, if he had only ever said the hurtful things once that might be true. But when they become a regular part of his repertoire you‘d better believe that either:

a) He doesn‘t care what he says to exert control over you
b) He means them

"He‘s had a hard time". Ok, so that one may be true. Thing is, so have you. And you‘re putting all your energies into trying to make his life sweeter. This means that you have taken the decision to create something meaningful precisely because of your past unhappiness. Sure, it will be even better when you start focusing on doing it for yourself rather than another wounded soldier. But if you are capable of making that choice, how come he isn‘t?

"I just know we can be happy together". Funny then, isn‘t it, that you are saying this at a time when you feel as low as you have ever felt in your life, and he has a lot to do with it? Given half a chance, I know, you will tell me how happy you were at the beginning. (If I had a dime for every time I‘ve heard that story I‘d be writing this from my palazzo in Venice, looking out at the gondolas gliding up and down the Grand Canal.) But here‘s the thing: your happiness spiel is the expurgated version. Behind it lies a less attractive tale about the things that worried you about him from the word ‘go‘. That is, before he set to work hypnotizing you with his silver tongued lies about knowing that you were so wonderful you could make his life perfect. (Now there is a tall order. If he isn‘t prepared to do it for himself, it‘s just not going to happen. That‘s an unspoken law of the universe.)

"He has so much potential". Maybe he has and maybe he hasn‘t. You‘re not his teacher, his boss or his agent. Still less are you his parent or his psychotherapist. Unless he is under the age of about 16 - and I sincerely hope he is not - realizing his potential is his responsibility. Besides, I don‘t really think you are talking about his potential to succeed in the world. What you are concerned with is his potential to become a great life partner. He, clearly, does not share that concern.

"I‘m ruining/have ruined the best relationship I can ever expect." There are two glaring inaccuracies in this brief phrase. First, the best relationship? Yes, you may have had some other dire relationships, but you wouldn‘t be in a state of emotional melt-down now if this was a good relationship. You would be happy, relaxed, confident. Everything about you screams ‘bad relationship‘ - and you know it. As for it being the best you can ever expect, that‘s what he has told you, isn‘t it? So it must be right. Because abusive men are never wrong. Ever. Are they? About anything. Sure, some present themselves very credibly to the outside world, but you know as well as I do that within the confines of their home they have a pretty skewed view about most things.

"It‘s not him, it‘s me." Well, at least the two of you agree on something; your hopelessness. It can be the basis for a relationship, as you have already discovered. It‘s certainly not the basis for a happy, functional one.

These are not the only lies that abused women tell themselves, but they are some of the key destructive ones. If they are lies that you have been telling yourself, the time has come to think seriously, now, about getting out. Your relationship is a sow‘s ear, it‘s never going to be a silk purse. More to the point, your partner may be a frog, but he will never be a prince.

You, on the other hand, have so many generous and loving qualities. They are what took you into this relationship in the first place. They are still with you. It‘s time you think seriously about getting out and lavishing some of your love on yourself. You will be amazed how rich the rewards will be.

(C) 2008 Annie Kaszina

Taken from - Lies Abused Women Tell Themselves

Ditto that is what I am doing here as well.  Sometimes when I am feeling low, like I was today for a bit, reading this helps me to see reality.

See, today for a short brief time I wondered if I just hadn‘t been wrongly accusing my husband of cheating for too long, and maybe it was my fault that he treated me so badly.  And...maybe I just ruined the best relationship I will ever get.

Then I start writing down just the facts mam‘.   Then I read a post like this:

"This happens because abused women try very hard to learn from their relationships. They are desperate to learn what they are doing wrong so they can change it."

I am fitting right in that category, huh?  Trying desperately to change what I have been doing wrong.

I use to go to church and pray to be a better wife.

He was emotionally and verbally abusive.

He drank did drugs and lied like nothing I have ever seen

He was never faithful not one minute

He did the same thing to his first wife

He now is with a FBI agent that he dated before and after prison

She with all of her investigative training and smarts in now going to create a life with him

Having been one of those women who "lied" to myself for 25 years in regards to the abuse I suffered i my marriage and prior to it,I had to find out why I allowed myself to be hurt by people who claimed to love me,when it was all too obvious,they didn‘t have the capacity to love and I CHOSE them.

I learned about the Betrayal Bond thanks to an amazing book by Patrick Carnes called,The Betrayal Bond:Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships and all about how my FOO(family or origin) helped create how I saw love so dysfunctionally.I also learned about how abusers operate and what tactics they use to keep women weak and afraid and with low self esteem because that is how they feel and it‘s the only way they know how to keep women N-slaved to them.

http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/cognitive_dissonance.htm

Cognitive Dissonance

Description

This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

Dissonance increases with:

• The importance of the subject to us.
• How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.
• Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. If I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is a very powerful motivator which will often lead us to change one or other of the conflicting belief or action. The discomfort often feels like a tension between the two opposing thoughts. To release the tension we can take one of three actions:

• Change our behavior.
• Justify our behavior by changing the conflicting cognition.
• Justify our behavior by adding new cognitions.

Dissonance is most powerful when it is about our self-image. Feelings of foolishness, immorality and so on (including internal projections during decision-making) are dissonance in action.

If an action has been completed and cannot be undone, then the after-the-fact dissonance compels us to change our beliefs. If beliefs are moved, then the dissonance appears during decision-making, forcing us to take actions we would not have taken before.

Cognitive dissonance appears in virtually all evaluations and decisions and is the central mechanism by which we experience new differences in the world. When we see other people behave differently to our images of them, when we hold any conflicting thoughts, we experience dissonance.

Dissonance increases with the importance and impact of the decision, along with the difficulty of reversing it.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I learned about Cognitive Disonance and how it confuses people‘s choices and disempowers them to the point that they stay and lie to themselves thinking they are in love,when really,they are simply afraid of facing themselves and thier unhealthy choices head on and changing thier own behaviors.

http://soundingcircle.com/newslog2.php/__show_article/_a000195-000673.htm

 The following are a series of statements which describe traumatic bonding in which a person bonds with an unfaithful or abusive partner on the basis of betrayal. This unhealthy pattern is what Patrick Carnes calls a "Betrayal Bond".

The "Betrayal Bond" Index

(Here are the first 15 of the 30 Question Quiz)

Yes No Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even through they are long gone?

Yes No Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain?

Yes No Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you?

Yes No Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive?

Yes No Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you?

Yes No Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable?

Yes No Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships?

Yes No Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care?

Yes No Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away?

Yes No Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen?

 
Yes No Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you?

Yes No Do you attract untrustworthy people?

Yes No Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse?

Yes No Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility?

Yes No Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship?

If you do any of these things within your romantic relationships,the odds are you are caught in a no win situation only you can empower yourself out with KNOWLEDGE about codependency,love addiction,Betrayal Bonding and the like.

I have learned more in my 45 years on earth about abusers and the abused than I care to know,but in the end,without that hard won WISDUM,I would still be re-creating my abusive past within ALL my future relationships.

My first betrayal bond was to a Narcissistic,Alcoholic,Drug addicted Mother and I can say with all honesty,I didn‘t know until I became aware of my patterns.

It is POSSIBLE to break the cycle and live a happy healthy life...but it takes WORK and awareness and hope.

The lies we tell ourselves come from our subconcious it‘s a survival mode based in fear and defence mechanisms and it takes ALL WE HAVE IN US to change this for ourselves.

Be gentle with you and know...you are FAR from alone.

Peace to you all.........

Awesome post, cheers for that!

The big rationalizations for me were:

1)  "He‘s had a hard life.  He‘s been hurt so much."

In other words, he could get away with acting like an asshole because his mother died, or his dad beat him, or he lost his job, or some terrible calamity in his life.  There was no statute and limitations on these bad experiences, so he could be an asshole for life.

The truth was, I‘d had as hard a life as just about anyone, and chose to use those experiences to make me a better person.  It took some counseling for me to see that.  It isn‘t what happens to you in life.  It is what you do with it that counts.

2)  "He has so much potential!"

He would be a great catch, if he:  1)  Would quit drinking; 2) Would get a better job; 3) Would control his temper; 4) Would stay away from the poker table and the racetrack; 5) Would pay his traffic tickets ... the list went on and on.

My relationships weren‘t relationships.  They were "reform projects."  I like to help people, and it shows.  What I should have considered, instead, was being a social worker.  Relationships based on trying to change someone else never work.  If you can‘t accept someone as they are - warts, bumps, and all - you probably shouldn‘t be in a relationship with them.

3)  "I don‘t want to be alone."

My biggest fear of all, for many years.  I‘ve done it for close to 10 years now, and while it was an adjustment in the beginning, it‘s not bad at all now.  If you can handle life on your own, you will never put up with a dysfunctional relationship ever again. 

4)  "I will never find anyone who I love as much as him."

Maybe not.  But you may find sanity and peace of mind.  I did.  The drama is gone.  The obsession is gone.  The constantly questioning myself and feeling bad about myself is gone.  And it has freed me up to enjoy other things in life.

Abuse isn‘t love.  And love doesn‘t have to make you miserable.  Excuses are just excuses.

Rhi, as you know I‘m a therapist...its unfortunate that I can‘t "therapise" my family....how I wish I could sit you down with my niece!

Her boyfriend is an alcoholic....just the other day I heard her say "But he‘s got so much potential" I had to stop myself from saying anything...I have to keep my mouth shut about it because if I don‘t I‘ll end up losing my niece and her beautiful daughter who I absolutely adore...I HATE the situation....so much so I have to avoid her....I‘ve already been told to "butt out" after I sat her down some time ago and tried to talk some sense into her.

But for my grand-nieces sake...I‘m going to copy and paste what you‘ve written and send it to her.

I understand, Bubble!  The hardest thing of all is watching loved ones make big mistakes while you just sit back and try to keep your mouth shut.  People just don‘t like being told what to do. 

Your sister will have to learn it for herself, and all you can do is be there for her when that time comes.

Sometimes even knowing all the facts (about alcoholism and addiction) isn‘t enough to sway someone when they really love someone.  It isn‘t until the bad completely outweighs the good, and life becomes completely unmanageable before the co-dependent can let go.  I had a (practicing) alcoholic boyfriend that was in and out of my life for many years, and although his behaviors were completely unacceptable, I was just so in love with him.  He was addicted to a substance, and I was addicted to HIM.

The sad thing is, he could call me up tomorrow, and I would still feel that attraction.  It has taken a lot of guts for me to turn him away every time that he has called me in the last year and a half.

Everyone has a bottom line, and your sister will find hers. 

For me, it was him staying with me for 4 months and not working.  Lying to me.  Not respecting my household rules.

Then one night he was real belligerent verbally, and made an insulting remark about one of my kids.  That just DID it. 

I kicked him out in the middle of the night, and made him walk out of here.  That was the end. 

I cried myself to sleep many a night.  I journaled about it constantly for 4 months.  I missed him over the holidays.  I saved his voicemail messages on my phone.  It was hard.  But I took my life back and my sanity and there is no question that I did the right thing. 

Thank you for your support Bubble!