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    WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Why do I miss him?

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beautiful_1
  Posted: 7/1/2009 10:03 AM Subject: Why do I miss him?
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Age: 36




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Owensboro
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I‘m new here.  I have been in an on-off relationship with an abusive man that fits the description of "Player".  We do have a son together.  For some reason after this round of abuse, manipulation, lies and other women I really started digging into what abuse is and the different types.  It‘s helped me tremendously discover that I was being abused everyday, not just when he got drunk, called me whore and accused me of cheating and pushed, slapped, etc.  I have learned that alcohol doesn‘t cause it and that it‘s a decision he makes to be that way.  Ok, so he‘s hopeless as a mate.  He‘ll always be an abuser.  I accept that so why do I miss him?  Why do I still feel the heartbreak?  I look forward to my future and know life will be better for me and the kids without him, but still I miss this piece of crap of a man?  How is that possible???  




overandout
  Posted: 7/1/2009 11:11 AM Subject: Why do I miss him?
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I think sometimes we miss something/someone because they have become a bad habit. think of people who smoke or drink and want to stop. sometimes the hardest cigarette to put down is the ‘habit‘ one. when you get into the car, when you finish a meal, when you have a cocktail (or some other tail...). it‘s the habit. we know it‘s a bad habit but we miss it for a while. try to focus on new things. shoot for 21 days of replacing one habit with another. even if it‘s a walk every day. I‘ve read that when you change a habit with a new activity for 21 days, you have replaced the habit. so, don‘t be in touch. he is abusive. you are always in danger with an abuser. he will try harder to get back into control. do not let him back into your life. you have your life to save, to raise kids. 21 days. you can make this happen. please stay in touch with us. this is a great place to find support and smart thinking.

beautiful_1
  Posted: 7/1/2009 12:28 PM Subject: Why do I miss him?
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Thank you so much for the advise.  I haven‘t seen him in a couple of weeks and that was only for about 10 seconds, but because we have a 6 year old son together it‘s hard not to be in contact.  He went thru the Super Dad phase where he tried to be more involved.  That didn‘t last long after I found out he was drinking and driving with my son in the car and took my son to a girl‘s house so he could have sex with her.  I let him see him for 2 hours on Father‘s Day.  Still we‘re in contact.  I‘m trying to break it down to a bear minimum.  The next time he comes to get him I‘m going to ask a friend to come over and do the exchange for me.  I don‘t want to see him.  
I guess I‘m haunted by the good memories of when we‘re together.  They keep poping into my mind.  I wish it would just go away.  I wish he would go away.  Maybe he could concentrate on one of his other kids that are scattered all over by different women.  Just leave me and mine alone!!  UGH..  


overandout
  Posted: 7/1/2009 12:34 PM Subject: Why do I miss him?
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I did the famous "T BAR" about my husband when we seperated. it was very telling. the plus side had about 5 items when I ran out. I started the minus side and in just a minute I had about 35 negatives staring me in the face!
I typed it onto my computer, made 3 copies. I put one in my bathroom, on the mirror, in the kitchen, on the cabinet door and in my bedroom. I see the list constantly. my mom used to tell me when I miss someone who is no good for me, I need to remember the bad stuff. so, I see the bad stuff everyday, over and over. it has really helped me find my anger and let go of my fear and pain.


Miss Luvly1
  Posted: 7/1/2009 9:19 PM Subject: Why do I miss him?
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You are not crazy to miss him. 

 You are not really missing him.  You are missing the dream of what you had hoped would be the two of you together. 

Now is the time to get back to who YOU are.  Learn to love and respect yourself and your children.  Think to yourself that "I love myself too much, to let this type of man have me".  "I am worth everything".  "This IS MY LIFE".  He is not allowed to ruin what God has given me.

You have another road to go down luv.  That is how I handle it.  My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive.  I am done with that part of my life now..  Now I go down another road, alone.  But I was alone before and just didn‘t know it.  And so were you.

Yes, he tries to control.  I look at it this way.  He will throw a ball of *anger, accusations, hurt* etc my way.  I don‘t catch the ball.  I step to the side and I don‘t play the game.  Yes, sometimes it still hurts.  I don‘t know when that will end, but it doesn‘t affect me as long anymore

  It takes time.  You will gain your self respect and control back again.



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