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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 3/15/2009 2:46 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
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Total Posts: 1357
dublin
Ireland
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Early Warning Signs of an Abuser
- Makes fun of you in public saying he‘s only "joking"
- Insist on being exclusive early on
- Insist on knowing your darkest secrets right away
- Spilling his guts to you right away
- Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex‘s were evil! And I‘m so scared to get hurt again.")
- Says no one has ever "understood" him as well as you
- Calls an ex-girlfriend "crazy" or "a bitch"
- Says he hasn‘t been with a woman in a long time and you are the first he has been interested in
- Comes over when you say you‘re busy
- Calling repeatedly
- Expresses jealousy early on
- Asks many questions about your sexual history
- Invades your privacy: going through your purse/drawers
- Checks your caller id/asnwering machine
- Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date
- he likes you because you seem "feisty"
- Interrupts you often
- Seems too eager to please
- Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling him to stop
- Doesn‘t talk much about his family or his past
- Doesn‘t talk about himself much. Wants to hear about you constantly Still lives with his mother at an inappropriate age and she seems controlling
- Wants sex or other affection way too early
- Gives your friends 3rd degree each time he sees them
- Doesn‘t care if you‘re too tired to go out/talk/have sex
- Laughs at things not appropriate to laugh about
- Changes moods easily
- Doesn‘t let you hang around his friends much, if at all (because he may need to tell them how ‘crazy‘ you are later)
- Paranoid you‘re going out with someone else
- Says he doesnt get along with members of his family.
5 or more characteristics = High risk of abuse.
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| kaylar |
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Posted: 3/16/2009 12:40 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 57
Total Posts: 393
kingston
Jamaica
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These tips are very useful, but alas those who need to read them probably won‘t while the rest of us are nodding our heads
‘yes‘.
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| PrincessFamiliar |
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Posted: 3/17/2009 2:24 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 30
Total Posts: 4
Denver
Colorado
United States
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What if 20+ are true - is that high risk? Just kidding - after 20 days of sobriety, and missing him terribly, I have to keep coming back to this to remind myself what a dark, deep pit that was. Thanks for posting!
Princess
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| shally |
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Posted: 5/26/2009 5:28 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
Total Posts: 1138
sitting pretty on
Isle of Man
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bump :)
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| overandout |
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Posted: 7/10/2009 9:38 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 59
Total Posts: 72
spokane
Washington
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AMEN and double amen!
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| shelbelle |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 7:56 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 22
Total Posts: 906
lalaland
North Carolina
United States
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thanks bubble...the list is very helpful and alot of them were ones i wouldnt have recognized.
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| learning |
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Posted: 7/13/2009 8:35 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 4
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Total Posts: 297
Around the Corner
Nebraska
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| shelbelle wrote: | | thanks bubble...the list is very helpful and alot of them were ones i wouldnt have recognized. |
Shelbelle!!!!!!!!!  I miss you!!
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 7/15/2009 11:15 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 4659
Total Posts: 313
Americas Finest Citee
California
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| kaylar wrote: | These tips are very useful, but alas those who need to read them probably won‘t while the rest of us are nodding our heads
‘yes‘.
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That‘s so true. And sad really.
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 7/15/2009 12:51 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1357
dublin
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| kaylar wrote: | These tips are very useful, but alas those who need to read them probably won‘t while the rest of us are nodding our heads
‘yes‘.
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I agree...to some extent. I‘ll admit I read these when it was too late....however, I didn‘t repeat the mistake! A lot of women go from bad relationship to bad relationship...I thank my lucky stars that once was enough for me!
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| beautiful_1 |
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Posted: 7/15/2009 2:44 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 36
Total Posts: 11
Owensboro
Kentucky
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This is awesome! Wish the ex would have had it pinned to his shirt the night I met him.
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| anex |
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Posted: 9/12/2009 2:50 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 33
Total Posts: 1
MI
Michigan
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- Makes fun of you in public saying she‘s only "joking"
Check - My brother is getting divorced after 8 years of being talked down to by his wife too. He has almost no confidence in himself anymore. He recently decided to take a car test, which she told him he wouldn‘t pass. He‘s planning a journey down to see me shortly and asked if he could borrow her GPS for a couple of days. She responded "Even with that, you‘ll still get lost..." apparently, it‘s always just a joke though.
- Insist on being exclusive early on
This I thought was quite normal... Don‘t most couples decide to be exclusive to one another? If you don‘t - then you‘re kinda demonstrating that you‘re not interested in your partner - or have I misunderstood the definition of exclusive?
- Insist on knowing your darkest secrets right away
If it‘s a mutual chat, I don‘t see the harm in sharing some entertaining stories... Or do you mean really, really bad things (like, "I was born the opposite sex but don‘t tell anyone"?)
- Spilling her guts to you right away
If it‘s lies - it‘ll come out in the wash, but what‘s the harm under normal circumstances? My ex was like that, got straight into her gory past about how she‘d lost the kids but had changed and ‘won‘ them back...
- Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex‘s were evil! And I‘m so scared to get hurt again.")
Well in my case, that is true - by the time my ex and her family were finished with me, I was suicidal and spent a couple of years on anti-depressants. Thankfully, I had the support of my own family.
- Says no one has ever "understood" her as well as you
Yes, she certainly did play this one. Apparently, I was her ‘soulmate‘.
- Invades your privacy: going through your purse/drawers
Yep - she often went peeping in tmy emails and folder structure. She‘d listen in on my phone calls, and when we had to live with her family a while, she employed her mother & brother do the same. I couldn‘t even talk to my Sister without her knowing precisely what our conversation had been.
- Checks your caller id/asnwering machine
Yep.
- Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date
Oh God, yes! Only by this time, we weren‘t dating. I remember one time I took a detour to the shops en route home, and she went ballistic at me becaue my phone was on silent. Ten minutes...
- She likes you because you seem "feisty"
Well, her words were more like "we‘re in one another‘s heads"
This was only a problem when we were in disagreement - I could never get a word in.
- Seems too eager to please
Isn‘t that relatively normal at the beginning of a relationship though?
- Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling her to stop
As above - this seems more a form of flirting than abuse and seems quite common in newly formed relationships.
- Doesn‘t talk much about her family or her past
Yep - When we first met, she said she‘d disowned them. By the time we got married, we were practically under her mother‘s thumb.
- Doesn‘t talk about herself much. Wants to hear about you constantly Still lives with her mother at an inappropriate age and she seems controlling
But surely, if she had talked about herself all the time, she‘d also be a ‘possibly‘ bad person? Narsisstic or the like?
Once we‘d got married, she insisted on moving to her family‘s area. Initially I disagreed. But as soon as she was pregnant, it was used as ‘you can follow with me to my family or you can stay here‘ (i.e. do as i say or lose your child & wife). Her mother was very controlling, she would abuse the step children but blame her husband for it to any professionals. Her husband was clueless as to the blame he was getting for her abuses upon the children.
- Wants sex or other affection way too early
Again, I thought this was fairly normal in a newly formed relationship.
- Gives your friends 3rd degree each time she sees them
Yes, I had several friends give this comment. She would also ‘employ‘ them to fight her corner, tricking them into agreement by only telling them half a story.
- Doesn‘t care if you‘re too tired to go out/talk/have sex
I recall one time, I got punched in the nuts because I was trying to sleep while she was trying to have sex with me.
- Laughs at things not appropriate to laugh about
Yes. I looked this up in psychology. Apparently, it‘s called ‘vomit humour‘.
OMG YES! I had thought I‘d witnessed mood swings - but this girl was unreal.
- Doesn‘t let you hang around her friends much, if at all (because she may need to tell them how ‘crazy‘ you are later)
Yes! Having said that, I was kinda glad of this. Her friends seemed to be a common type of mindset (self absorbed, mostly backstabbing other friends, etc.)
- Paranoid you‘re going out with someone else
Oh yeah. She knew I wasn‘t interested in my ex at all, but that didn‘t stop her ranting at me furiously after any phone calls. I was told, with no room for misunderstanding, that I was to ONLY discuss the children - nothing else whatsoever.
- Says she doesnt get along with members of her family.
Yes again. Yet, as I mentioned earlier - so soon after she‘d set a date for marriage, her family were all over us like flies on doggy-doo though. How odd.
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 9/12/2009 4:38 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1357
dublin
Ireland
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| anex wrote: |
- Makes fun of you in public saying she‘s only "joking"
Check - My brother is getting divorced after 8 years of being talked down to by his wife too. He has almost no confidence in himself anymore. He recently decided to take a car test, which she told him he wouldn‘t pass. He‘s planning a journey down to see me shortly and asked if he could borrow her GPS for a couple of days. She responded "Even with that, you‘ll still get lost..." apparently, it‘s always just a joke though.
- Insist on being exclusive early on
This I thought was quite normal... Don‘t most couples decide to be exclusive to one another? If you don‘t - then you‘re kinda demonstrating that you‘re not interested in your partner - or have I misunderstood the definition of exclusive?
- Insist on knowing your darkest secrets right away
If it‘s a mutual chat, I don‘t see the harm in sharing some entertaining stories... Or do you mean really, really bad things (like, "I was born the opposite sex but don‘t tell anyone"?)
- Spilling her guts to you right away
If it‘s lies - it‘ll come out in the wash, but what‘s the harm under normal circumstances? My ex was like that, got straight into her gory past about how she‘d lost the kids but had changed and ‘won‘ them back...
- Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex‘s were evil! And I‘m so scared to get hurt again.")
Well in my case, that is true - by the time my ex and her family were finished with me, I was suicidal and spent a couple of years on anti-depressants. Thankfully, I had the support of my own family.
- Says no one has ever "understood" her as well as you
Yes, she certainly did play this one. Apparently, I was her ‘soulmate‘.
- Invades your privacy: going through your purse/drawers
Yep - she often went peeping in tmy emails and folder structure. She‘d listen in on my phone calls, and when we had to live with her family a while, she employed her mother & brother do the same. I couldn‘t even talk to my Sister without her knowing precisely what our conversation had been.
- Checks your caller id/asnwering machine
Yep.
- Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date
Oh God, yes! Only by this time, we weren‘t dating. I remember one time I took a detour to the shops en route home, and she went ballistic at me becaue my phone was on silent. Ten minutes...
- She likes you because you seem "feisty"
Well, her words were more like "we‘re in one another‘s heads"
This was only a problem when we were in disagreement - I could never get a word in.
- Seems too eager to please
Isn‘t that relatively normal at the beginning of a relationship though?
- Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling her to stop
As above - this seems more a form of flirting than abuse and seems quite common in newly formed relationships.
- Doesn‘t talk much about her family or her past
Yep - When we first met, she said she‘d disowned them. By the time we got married, we were practically under her mother‘s thumb.
- Doesn‘t talk about herself much. Wants to hear about you constantly Still lives with her mother at an inappropriate age and she seems controlling
But surely, if she had talked about herself all the time, she‘d also be a ‘possibly‘ bad person? Narsisstic or the like?
Once we‘d got married, she insisted on moving to her family‘s area. Initially I disagreed. But as soon as she was pregnant, it was used as ‘you can follow with me to my family or you can stay here‘ (i.e. do as i say or lose your child & wife). Her mother was very controlling, she would abuse the step children but blame her husband for it to any professionals. Her husband was clueless as to the blame he was getting for her abuses upon the children.
- Wants sex or other affection way too early
Again, I thought this was fairly normal in a newly formed relationship.
- Gives your friends 3rd degree each time she sees them
Yes, I had several friends give this comment. She would also ‘employ‘ them to fight her corner, tricking them into agreement by only telling them half a story.
- Doesn‘t care if you‘re too tired to go out/talk/have sex
I recall one time, I got punched in the nuts because I was trying to sleep while she was trying to have sex with me.
- Laughs at things not appropriate to laugh about
Yes. I looked this up in psychology. Apparently, it‘s called ‘vomit humour‘.
OMG YES! I had thought I‘d witnessed mood swings - but this girl was unreal.
- Doesn‘t let you hang around her friends much, if at all (because she may need to tell them how ‘crazy‘ you are later)
Yes! Having said that, I was kinda glad of this. Her friends seemed to be a common type of mindset (self absorbed, mostly backstabbing other friends, etc.)
- Paranoid you‘re going out with someone else
Oh yeah. She knew I wasn‘t interested in my ex at all, but that didn‘t stop her ranting at me furiously after any phone calls. I was told, with no room for misunderstanding, that I was to ONLY discuss the children - nothing else whatsoever.
- Says she doesnt get along with members of her family.
Yes again. Yet, as I mentioned earlier - so soon after she‘d set a date for marriage, her family were all over us like flies on doggy-doo though. How odd.
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Hi there,
It sounds like you‘ve been through the mill...are you still together or apart?
I think if you take each of these points individually they may seem fairly trivial...however, its when you add them all up that they become important.
You can take it that "Too clingy too soon" spells trouble.
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| kaylar |
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Posted: 9/12/2009 8:12 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 57
Total Posts: 393
kingston
Jamaica
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- Insist on being exclusive early on
This
I thought was quite normal... Don‘t most couples decide to be exclusive
to one another? If you don‘t - then you‘re kinda demonstrating that
you‘re not interested in your partner - or have I misunderstood the
definition of exclusive?
.....
You just met this character, maybe you‘ve had a date/two datres, and he wants virtual marriage? You think this is romance? Love? WRONG.
This is the K E Y feature of the vexed....How in the World Did I get myself mixed up with a psychopath...?
This demand for exclusivity makes you T H I N K that he is so in love with you ....and it is that which is the noose you put around your neck.
In every case of D.V. I have ever encountered, it always starts with the ‘Sweeping off Feet‘, the proposal of marriage on the first date...(or versions thereof)
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 9/12/2009 10:42 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1357
dublin
Ireland
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| kaylar wrote: |
- Insist on being exclusive early on
This I thought was quite normal... Don‘t most couples decide to be exclusive to one another? If you don‘t - then you‘re kinda demonstrating that you‘re not interested in your partner - or have I misunderstood the definition of exclusive?
.....
You just met this character, maybe you‘ve had a date/two datres, and he wants virtual marriage? You think this is romance? Love? WRONG.
This is the K E Y feature of the vexed....How in the World Did I get myself mixed up with a psychopath...?
This demand for exclusivity makes you T H I N K that he is so in love with you ....and it is that which is the noose you put around your neck.
In every case of D.V. I have ever encountered, it always starts with the ‘Sweeping off Feet‘, the proposal of marriage on the first date...(or versions thereof)
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Kaylar, I‘ve just noticed that your avatar is "The High Priestess" tarot card...I had my cards read just last week and it was a very significant card for me! Thanks for reminding me of that!
And I agree with your point...been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!
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| kaylar |
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Posted: 9/12/2009 11:57 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 57
Total Posts: 393
kingston
Jamaica
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I tend to identify with the High Priestess...some knowledge
revealed, some hidden, some you need to know what to
look for.
As to the topic...
I think every abused woman can go back to the ‘first date‘
and describe being treated as the most beautiful desirable
woman in the world.
I believe that this ‘story book‘ romance is why so many
women stay when the violence begins, because they
are so hooked into the story book.
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| Alpha89 |
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Posted: 10/21/2009 12:41 PM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 37
Total Posts: 58
Boulder
Colorado
United States
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 I would also say I got sucked in to believing my current guy was the best thing ever, he told me how much my ex sucked and that he was "super sensitive," and he totally really isn‘t. He also set himself up as this serious business guy and that is also a lie.
In fact now I know my ex is actually more in touch with his feelings. Frightening!
The current guy also gives me variants of the silent treatment which may include leaving the room, not calling or knowing where they are, or saying stop fighting if you have a grievance against them, instead of having them listen.
Posting to help some other ladies.
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| Kicking Storm |
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Posted: 10/26/2009 12:55 AM |
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Subject: Early warning signs of a potential abuser. |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 23
Total Posts: 11
Queensland
Australia
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God yeah, if only I had stumbled across this site years ago, before I met the monster I call my "ex".
Insist on being exclusive early on - what about proposing to me just 8 weeks into our relationship? I was so stunned (not to mention young and stupid) at the time that I told him to give me some time to process what he‘d asked of me and he went ahead and told my sister that we were engaged!!! I was only 18!
Plays the "wounded puppy" card. (i.e. "All my ex‘s were evil! And I‘m so scared to get hurt again.") - There‘s a familiar one... instead of the big bad ex-gf it was the big bad police. He fed me a big sob story about how he‘d been wrongly arrested, thrown in the cells overnight and charged with assulting THREE cops when he hadn‘t done anything, he‘d just been innocently defending himself against 3 police brutes. It was a load of rubbish, I knew that at the time but I chose to overlook it.
Comes over when you say you‘re busy, Calling repeatedly, Expresses jealousy early on, Asks many questions about your sexual history, Invades your privacy: going through your purse/drawers, Checks your caller id/asnwering machine, Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date - Uh huh, massive control freak. Had to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. Would routinely check my phone for text messages and would interrogate me about any male friends I had.
he likes you because you seem "feisty" - He used to call me his "dark princess". Little did I know he was trying to bring me down to his level and make me feel like he was the only one for me, that I belonged with him.
Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling him to stop - Alot of the time sex would come about by him pinning me down and tickling me while trying to pull my pants down, I‘d be saying no and struggling against him but laughing uncontrollably all the while because of him tickling me. After awhile I‘d be so exhausted from fighting against him that I‘d just give up and let him have his way. I wouldn‘t call that rape but it still pisses me off when I think about it now.
Still lives with his mother at an inappropriate age and she seems controlling - Er, yeah, for awhile there he was living with his mum in a ONE BEDROOM unit. He squashed his bed into the corner of the kitchen. I pushed my concerns to the back of my mind and told myself it was fine because he was really broke and it was his only option. Pffft, crock of ****.
Changes moods easily - can you say "pyscho"? At the drop of a hat. Complete whackjob.
Doesn‘t let you hang around his friends much, if at all (because he may need to tell them how ‘crazy‘ you are later) - Yep, his friends were nigh forbidden to be in the same building as me, incase any of them flirted with me.
Paranoid you‘re going out with someone else - He was so paranoid and so good at convincing himself of my unfaithful ways that he got himself into such a state one night when I was out by myself, took a knife and stabbed himself in the wrist. Then said it was my fault.
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