WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / The Process of Domestic Violence

Or there may be another scenario...

Ann might be a career woman, married to this man, with children (who were born during "happier" times).  Although she makes a good salary, she probably doesn‘t make enough to pay the mortgage payment, all of the household bills, and the daycare center (which probably consumes roughly half of her paycheck).

During one of those really bad fights where "Roy" lost his temper and struck her, he cried, apologized, begged her forgiveness, and blamed it on "the stress of his job."  He begged her to help him.

Ann tells him he needs to seek counseling for anger management.  He promises to get help.  He tells her he can‘t do it without her.  They both agree to go to marriage counseling.

She looks at her part in things, and remembers the old adage "It takes two to fight."  Yes, Roy struck her, but she knows she has a pretty mean mouth  sometimes, too, and that while she was defending herself, she drew blood with that comment about him being a "mama‘s boy."  She feels ashamed for her part in things, and wonders if he would have hit her, if she‘d just kept her mouth shut.  She can‘t help it, she thinks, because he makes her so mad!  Especially when he calls her a rotten wife and mother because she goes to work every day instead of being home with the kids.

And maybe she‘d love to be home with the kids, but Roy‘s work isn‘t steady enough to depend on the paychecks, and with a family, they need to count on a regular income to make the mortgage payments and need health insurance.  She‘s lucky to have a job that provides this, so she can‘t just quit.

She knows she is the family "breadwinner" and that "Roy" has a fragile ego and is hurt by this.  She is careful not to mention it because she doesn‘t want him to feel like less of a man, but he brings it up all the time and calls her a "ball breaker" and tells her that she "thinks she‘s too good for him."  She knows the problem is that he‘s a high school drop-out, and that his professional opportunities are extremely limited.  She offers to help him, but he gets pissed off, and takes offense at it.  He could get his GED, but he always has a ton of excuses for how he doesn‘t have the time.

He takes his frustration out on the kids, so she encourages him to get out of the house as much as possible, and makes it a point to take the kids with her everywhere she goes.  That means she never relaxes, and never gets a break, but it also means she doesn‘t worry about what happens to them if she is not there.  She really enjoys her kids, and works hard to compensate for the miserable home life, by taking them places, doing things with them, and being very involved in their lives.

She does everything possible to "lower his stress" so that he won‘t be mean.  He complains that the house is a mess, so she kills herself to clean it.  He complains that he has no socks, so she makes it a point to buy them, and make sure his laundry is done at all times.  She handles the bills and negotiates with creditors, because money problems tend to put him in a really bad mood, which leads to more abuse.  She doesn‘t tell him how bad things are.

They go to counseling and he plays games with the counselor.  The counselor buy off on his "nice guy" act.  Ann lets it go for the first appointment, but since she‘s really serious about working on their problems, she brings up his abuse in the second appointment.

The counselor shows concern, and starts asking some pointed questions, and "Roy" gets agitated and upset, and denies that he does these things.  Ann presses the issue, thinking that what they are here for is to confront problems.  The counselor tells Roy something he doesn‘t want to hear, storms out of the counselor‘s office, and verbally abuses Ann the entire trip home - driving recklessly in the process.  After about 3 appointments, counseling is over, and Roy calls the counselor a "quack."

Ann has a pretty good head for business.  In truth, she‘s smart when it comes to finances and money.  The problem is, she can‘t control "Roy‘s" spending.  He writes checks and overdraws the account.  He goes drinking with the boys and spends the money that was supposed to go for groceries.  He buys guns, he buys cigarettes, and when "Ann" expresses concern, he goes into a blind rage, and throws up in her face the cost of her hairstyle, her wardrobe for work, and the fact that she occasionally gets her nails done.  Truthfully, he hides big pockets of money out of his income that she doesn‘t know about, and sometimes he claims to work "overtime" to help their situation when he is really out whoring around or buying drugs. 

Ann just works harder and harder, trimming the budget wherever she can, taking on side jobs to make a little extra money, babysitting on weekends, and finding ways to supplement the household income. 

Ann considers divorce at least once a week.  She has been divorced before though, and knows that it‘s no picnic.  Before she didn‘t have a bunch of kids.  Now she does.  She lives in a community property state, and she knows the law and how it works.  One of her kids already has a deadbeat dad, and she has already learned that you can‘t squeeze blood out of a turnip.  She knows he won‘t pay any of the debts if she leaves, and she knows it‘s a tough world to get by in without good credit.  She looks at the cost of her daycare, the cost of the mortgage, the fact that she will have to replace her car soon, and that she will be raising the kids alone.  She works with "poor, single mothers" and knows the hardships they face.  She did not have children with the intent of becoming a single parent, and it is going to be years before the kids are old enough to be on their own before and after school while she is at work.  And if she were to leave, what about their schools?  She knows that what she is contemplating is scary and overwhelming and there are no guarantees.  The cost of an attorney, of starting over, and fear of bankruptcy keeps her immobilized.

She reasons that if she is going to get a divorce, she needs to be really sure this is what she wants.  And she needs to be prepared for anything if she follows through.

She encourages Roy to make a career change.  This is a last ditch attempt to make him easier to live with.  She reasons that maybe if Roy gets a "real job" and makes some real money, he will develop some self esteem and be less jealous of her.  It works for a while!  He signs up for a trade school, starts going, and he actually seems excited and enthused.  She‘s happy for him.  At last, he seems to be on the right track!  Everyone‘s happy.

She sacrifices everything to help him be a success.  She becomes a full time single parent while he‘s gone making a living.  She begins to dream - once again - that it can be "different." 

Next chapter...  More later!!!

For about six months, things look pretty good.

Roy is out over the road, and there is a palpable change in the household atmosphere.  Things are calm. 

Ann experiences a feeling of "freedom."  She isn‘t living her life "pleasing" all the time.  She and the kids get out of the house to go do "fun" things.  Little by little, they all start making new friends, something that has not been allowed in the house all these years.  Ann was embarrassed to have friends over because of how Roy acted - making people feel unwelcome and uncomfortable.  Within a few months, the phone is ringing with invitations from other moms with kids for play dates, and one of them even has a swimming pool.  The kids are delighted, because they get to play with other kids and be "normal" and it is "fun."  Mom is less stressed, and everybody‘s happy.

Roy‘s paychecks are small, and he says it‘s because he‘s being laid over, and the credit card debt is increasing from his road expenses.  Ann tells him - and herself - that he‘s just starting a new career and it all takes time.  She encourages him to stick with it.  She promises to do her part and hold down the fort at home.  They are a team.

He starts whining about the job and how unhappy he is.  She doesn‘t want him to come home.  Life is too good without him.  She still loves him at this point.  Funny how absence makes the heart grow fonder.  And when he comes home, it‘s like a "honeymoon."  Everyone is happy to see each other, and he is thoughtful and nice - like he was when they were dating.  He is only home for a few days, though - before he reverts to type.  She does whatever she has to to get him back on the road.

Then one day he comes home and tells her he quit his job.  She panics.  Bills!  Mortgage payment!  You cannot just quit your job when you have a family!  And the credit card debt!  How are we gonna pay for all this?

He gets another job, but it means two months without paychecks, and there is no unemployment insurance because he quit.  They go farther and farther in the hole.

He is out on the road for 3 months and barely brings in any money.  The credit cards are maxed out.  He‘s run up about $15,000 worth of debt in that short time, and now creditors are calling the house.

Then everything starts snowballing...  The car overheats in the middle of winter with kids in the car, and she barely makes it home.  The washing machine breaks down.  The baseboard heaters quit working in the middle of winter, and the house is freezing.  One of the kids puts a toy down the toilet in the only bathroom in the house, and Ann has to call out an emergency plumber to unplug the toilet.  When Roy calls home, she tells him about the problems she‘s coping with, and he blows up at her on the phone for "giving him a hard time" and tells her that "all she cares about is money!" and he hangs up on her.  Then he stops calling home.

One week the paycheck is $100.00.  How can this be - at 3000 miles in a truck per week?  She calls his boss at the home office to ask what the problem is.  Since Roy isn‘t calling home, she goes straight to the source.  She finds out that Roy is getting the miles (which proves he‘s been lying to her) but is taking out all of his paycheck in cash advances, and the money is not coming home to the family.

In a panic, she begins to call about getting a loan to pay off debts, and finds that their best option is a second mortgage.

Roy is out on the road, eating steak, drinking it up with the boys, hiring hookers, and finally finds a steady one to travel over several states with him.  He isn‘t calling home, and he;‘s secretly enjoying "sticking it to" his wife, and thinks she really deserves it because all she does is give him a hard time about money.  This woman appreciates him!  He wines her, he dines her, and he‘s learning new tricks in bed.  When he finally comes home, he starts in yelling about the house, the yard, the kids, and everything Ann didn‘t take care of while he was out there working his buns off.  Ann yells back, he strikes her, and this time, she threatens him, and refuses to back down, no matter how bad it gets.  Then they both break down crying, and he now realizes she could just up and leave him - especially when he‘s gone. 

So he does the sweet talking of his life.  She is smoldering with resentment, but can‘t leave now, because they are up to their butts in debt, she has 3 kids to raise, and she hasn‘t worked so hard all of these years for nothing.  Leaving is different with kids.  How is it going to affect them?  What is going to happen to all of them?  She has a lot to figure out. She knows she cannot do anything "suddenly."

She has annoying infection she can‘t rid of.  It is driving her nuts.  She goes to the doctor.  She finds out she has an STD.  Roy is out over the road when she makes this discovery.  She asks the doctor - is there any way this could have been there for a really long time and she just didn‘t know?  The doctor shakes his head "No."

A lightbulb goes off.  The time he called from a bar in Dayton, Ohio.  He said he slept in the truck while all the other drivers were "cheating."  All those years of "overtime" where he claimed that the bookkeeper shorted him on hours.  The never ending yeast infections.  The credit card debt!  Since the company reimbursed his expenses, where was all that money going?  The dots begin to connect, and she "figures it out."  He‘s cheating.  He‘s been cheating for a long time.

She pulls out all the phone bills, the credit card bills, the receipts.  The evidence is all there, and what a fool she‘s been.  She is no longer in denial.  The marriage is a piece of ****.  All this time, she gave Roy credit for two things - not lying, and not cheating.  She thought they were always honest with each other, and now she knows they weren‘t even that.  This is the moment of truth, where she stops loving him. 

She is angry.  Worse, she feels trapped.  She talks to an attorney.  She surveys the situation once again, and realizes "money" is her only ticket out.  Money is the only way to hire an attorney.  Money is the only way to pay the bills.  He‘s over the road right now.  That‘s convenient - she can‘t even kill him.  It is an advantage, though, because she can do some planning.  A decision is made, but it is going to take time to execute her plan.

She doesn‘t tell Roy anything other than that he is going to have to be treated for an STD.  He is incredulous, and in denial, and she asks him - nicely - if he‘s cheated.  He denies it.  She said the doctor was quite clear that there is only one way to get this, and he‘d best inform his other "partner" as well.

Roy gets nervous and antsy.  He knows this is not the time to shoot off his mouth.  He turns on the charm instead.  He brings home presents for the kids.  He tells her how beautiful she is and brings her flowers.  He cooks everyone a big dinner.  He brings home fancy new cookware.  Ann, by this time, is not fooled.  She is nice to him.  Polite even.  That makes him more nervous.  She isn‘t acting like a scorned wife. 

He sends home mushy cards, and writes romantic words, and tells her how much he loves her.  She throws the cards in the trash and ignores them.  The only value he has to her at this time is his paycheck.  She is going to be an actress from here on out.

She vents privately to her friends, because she now has a support system.  She‘s careful not to talk about it around the kids.  The kids are happy being kids with Dad over the road.

After three months of this, he decides he wants to come home full-time.  Ann doesn‘t want him there, and tells him that he has a good job out there, is doing well, and he needs to stick with it.  He does it anyway, and when he comes home, and is there longer than about a week, that Ann & the kids have moved on without him.  They go places.  They have friends.  They don‘t need him.  He feels out of control.  No one is treating him with "proper respect."  The kids ask Ann if they can do things, not Roy.  He feels like he doesn‘t exist.

He begins to exert power and control.  He insists that Ann is cheating.  After all, she‘s acting different.  She‘s distant.  That can only mean one thing.  There are hang up calls on the phone.  It‘s probably his long distance "honey" but he decides to make it about Ann so that he has "leverage."  He begins bothering her at the office during work time.  He calls to see when she leaves the office, and he questions the kids about what time she gets home.  He rummages through her purse.  He looks to see what checks she‘s written.  One of the establishments was at a restaurant where there‘s a bar, and that means she was there meeting someone.  He makes her life a living hell with constant accusations, and she feels like she is forever having to justify her every move.

He ups the ante with verbal abuse.  It used to be that the verbal abuse was something that only occurred here and there.  Now it is every single day.  The kids hear that their mother is a "whore." 

She has grown to hate him.  The abuse, the cheating, the injustice of the situation becomes too much for her, and she knows just where he feels weak.  She is normally so controlled, but she is also human, and can‘t stand to be talked to that way.  She has counter verbal attacks of her own (and she is quite verbal), and she lets him know what a lowlife schmuck he really is.  In a fit of rage, he finally admits to the cheating, and tells her that it‘s because she was so lousy in bed, and all she wanted him for was his money.  She strikes back by saying, "If I wanted money, I would have married someone who had some."  She finally calls him a liar and a cheater.

The abuse escalates. 

She is afraid to come home every day.  She is afraid to leave the children alone with him.  She finds ways for them to be out of the house more so that they do not have to be alone with him.  She is paranoid that she is going to lose her job from him calling the office incessantly, and yelling over the phone.  She gets disapproving looks from a supervisor for how her "personal life" is interfering with her work.  She panics, because if she loses her job, it is going to become even more difficult - if not impossible - to leave.  It is not a job she can easily replace, either.

She is a nervous wreck all the time because her life feels out of control.

He finally crosses the line with one of the kids, and she doesn‘t think.  She just dials 911.  The cops show up.  Talk to both of them.  His story does not correspond with hers.  He is bawling, and looking very upset and distressed.  She is breathing hard, but is calm.  The cops believe him, and he is not arrested.  They ignore that the phone is ripped out of the wall.  They talk him into leaving the house for 24 hours, and they go on their merry way.

Now he becomes more dangerous because she tarnished his "good guy" image.  The neighbors saw the sheriff.  Clearly domestic violence.  Oh, but Roy seems like such a "good guy."  It was probably that Ann "crying wolf."

Another chapter later! 

I‘ve found you offensive for some time.  You have some good scenerios yourself but most of the time it isn‘t dead on.  It‘s only an example.

One never knows how another will perceive their writting.  Go figure!

I apologize if I offended you Kaylar. 

Actually what I described is not a soap opera at all.  It is a real life story and all of these events actually occurred.  My version of "Ann" is a real person.

What I was attempting to point out is that there are all kinds of faces to domestic violence.  People have all kinds of stereotypes of women in these situations.  People don‘t think of smart, professional women getting into these relationships, and have a hard time understanding why someone like that would have a hard time leaving.  Or more importantly, why some women stay for so long.

I was not trying in any way to invalidate your comments or observations, which I happen to think are quite good!  I was just presenting more than one story.  When you mentioned the "process of domestic violence" I added another story to show the twists and turns and the dilemma of being in an abusive relationship.

What is missing in both scenarios is the real story of how the "system" tends to trap women.  In this story, there was law enforcement who botched the job by not arresting the assailant, which served to make him more dangerous.  He abused her worse because of it.  There were the courts, who were more concerned with a "father‘s rights" than with the safety and welfare of the children.  There was the employer, who lacked understanding when the abuser was harassing the victim at work.  There were the neighbors, family members and friends who identified with the abuser, and colluded in ganging up on her.  Even the family babysitter thought "Roy" was a wonderful man and was willing to testify on his behalf in court.  There was the attorney she trusted who dropped the case.  And then there was the victim herself who was afraid to risk everything and just leave.

Also, because she helped him make a career change, he ended up with a very good income, which only served to make him a more powerful abuser.  He had the better lawyer, and he had the money to fight it.  She was very lucky to obtain custody of her children.

"Ann" succeeded in leaving but it wasn‘t "over" when it was over. 

I just think it‘s really important to tell the whole story and to present more than  one point of view.  I was in no way intending to invalidate you, Kaylar.  Please - carry on! 

No problem, Kaylar!  I think we understand each other! 

And I loved your story about the professional woman setting up the abuser for the fall.  I cracked up.  I call that justice!

Wow...I just want to say to Kaylar and Rhiannon and that you are both very good story teller‘s/writer‘s. As I am currently documenting my story everyday, I am impressed with you two ladies ability to set the scene and establish the character‘s and esculating emotion....while it is indeed sad that these stories are true, the experience‘s sure have been well documented and are great for teaching other‘s so they may have an understanding of what life is like in those shoes....whatever style of shoes they may be, the shoe fits for domestic abuse. 

I want to send this poignant page to my mother-in-law who is in-denial, so that she could possibly get some insight from reading what you two cool girls wrote... and then you got all pms on eachother....lol....but I really think each of your work is unique and really good so please keep writing ladies.... Im glad you two are friends after all that.....peace