WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / The Process of Domestic Violence

I am open minded when it comes to many things.  And I have changed my mind about many things over the course of a lifetime.  But I think when someone has beaten you, or threatened to kill you, that is a far more serious situation than changing your political beliefs or your diet. 

Many a woman has tried to change a man - to no avail.  Many a woman has hoped for a man to quit drinking, or for a man to stop cheating.  We tried everything.  In spite of our best efforts, we failed.  A hard fact of life is that we have no control over another person, and we cannot change anyone but ourselves.  We are powerless over anyone but ourselves. 

Many a man has promised us, "I will never hurt you" or "I will never hit you" or "This will never happen again."  And yet, sadly, our partners broke those promises, and did them again and again.  To continue to cling to those promises and believe them is foolish and dangerous.  Any man who hits you once is going to do it again. 

LoveCaliGirl, I can appreciate the fact that you still love your husband very much, and you miss him, and you want it to work. But I will tell you that you can‘t fix him.  No one changes for anyone else.  You also have to look at why he is sitting in jail.  He is not there because he‘s been treating you nice.  Is he there because he was kind and loving and good to you?  I am sure he was - part of the time - or you would not have married him and stayed with him.  However, how does that coincide with abusing you?  Love - to me - does not go hand in hand with abuse.  You don‘t harm and terrorize someone you love.  And regardless of what excuses these men hand us, there are no excuses for it.

He is probably terrified right now - because he is in jail - you have filed for divorce - and he stands to lose everything. He is not in the driver‘s seat, and that is terrifying to an abuser.  Now - more than ever - you must not feel sorry for him, nor cave in to the false belief that you can change him.  He needs to face the consequences of his actions, and he needs to be the one living in fear for a change.

I‘ve developed a certain amount of detachment because I divorced my abuser 9 years ago.  I have had lots of time to process the emotions that went with that relationship, to analyze why I stayed in it for so long, and why I will never allow myself to be in a position like it ever again.  One of my reasons for being here is to help other women do the same.

I was married to him for 15 years, and there were 3 children.  In spite of the verbal, emotional, physical, financial abuse, I loved him for a very long time.  I wanted to believe in the "happily ever after" fairytale, and I made every effort possible to make that marriage work  - doing all the things we all do.  I was thoroughly committed to that marriage.  I was also brainwashed and manipulated for a very long time.

Breaking through the denial was an excruciatingly painful process.  Coming face to face with his lies, his manipulations, his betrayal, etc., etc., etc., as well as the things he did to his children forced me to admit that he was extremely abusive.  And true to form, it escalated and got worse over a period of time.  And he really showed everything he was made of when we divorced.  

When he hit his own children, I couldn‘t live in denial any longer.  I had to act.  I had to put a stop to it.  I had always believed he would never go that far, but he did.  I hated him for it, and I will never forgive myself for staying as long as I did, and for being so naive.

They‘re addicted to power and control.  They‘re bullies.  They‘re actors.  They‘re often liars and con artists. 

They will turn your family against you, your friends against you, your neighbors against you, and sometimes even your babysitter.  They will do everything they possibly can to make your life miserable, and to make you feel so intimidated that you are afraid to leave.  They will harass you at work, and make it difficult for you to keep your job.  And they will keep you broke so that you have no money and it becomes hard to leave.  Then if you divorce them, they will use the legal system to harass you, and will continue to harass you through the parenting plan - using the children as pawns.  They will even try to turn the kids against you.  You find out very quickly how "contrite" and "sincere" they are not.

They can charm you to the point where it can melt butter in your mouth when they want something.  They can turn the "tears" on with a switch when it suits their purposes.  But when they are out to get you - which is a given if you show any independence or an inclination to leave - they are cold blooded, ruthless, and vindictive.

When you get away from abusers, and really process the entire experience, you will learn to recognize the signs when you‘re dealing with one.  Like Tina Turner said, "What‘s Love Got to Do with It?"  I can tell you in two words:  Not Much!

I am sorry for your heartache and pain and feelings of loss.  I really do know what it is to love someone in this way, and to still cling to hope.  I have been there, and I can relate, even though it may not seem like it.  I wish you well!

Oh Rhi, I didnt know that first writing went through as I lost the last paragraphs, so I just edited. But thank you for reading that lengthy blog.

God girl, I know what you are saying is true and I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AT ALL, let me say that first, un uh. I am just sad that he and all these other men,  (and there are women who are abuser‘s too) who are these mean, selfish people seem to hook up with their polar opposites, nice, loving, sincere people, and then usually bring innocent children into the world only to get worse instead of getting better. In fact, that seems to be when they change into abuser‘s is when the woman has a baby.

I know that while I wish  he could have, would have, and eventually will change, chances are really good if not for sure that he wont, so trust me Im not holding my breath. It is my way to let myself down gently to this realization and with a glimmer of hope ( as if diagnosed with a terminal illness) that maybe a miracle... as sometimes I just wish he would have killed me cause this is too much pain...in fact, since he will not get better and judging from the hell you went through, maybe all I CAN look forward to is him getting out of jail and then coming to kill me, thus taking me out of my misery.

Ok, that is dreadfully drastic, and clearly insane thinking. I know I must stay strong cause even though he couldnt change and get better, I must. If not for myself, then for our baby. He will probably go on to abuse another women like the statisics show as well. But will I also go on to another abuser....God I hope not. This is already my second marriage ( I got married young the first time to a sex addicted con man etc, and now my older daughter just told me her father, the con man,  told her I should have listened to him about marrying my 2nd husband cause he didnt like him. As if he‘s a good judge of character.....as if Im a good judge of character... ) OMG. 

So I am very angry with God for letting this happen, not that I am special and shouldnt go through hardship, but Ive had too much all ready, my whole life and need a break. I thought this was my break, a new life...oh yeah, it is for sure. So now Im not even thinking about devil man changing, ( oh yeah, I thought he was the devil the first time I saw him, not just dark, but the devil himself, but and I didnt go with that first thought cause then he suddenly became shy and cute....wtf ) no, now Im thinking why this happend, what did I do to deserve this ( karma ? ) and how I can heal and change so whatever is in me to attract this is addressed once and for all. I know I have a narcissistic and verbally/emotionally abusive mother and I married him as her twin ( both Pisces too, and my little one now too. I thought they were sensitive like me...wrong. ) It is thankfully becoming less and less trying to figure him out and more about me getting out and healing etc...but I still back slide and analyze and Im sure it will linger for a while as this is so fresh and still developing....exhale.

To Miss luvly, as long as there are such intense emotions, and feelings like hate and extreme anger etc, you may as well say your still in love with your abusive husband cause that intensity shows his power over you... ( to make you feel and give energy back to him )...easy for me to say.... I understand the cycle....The best goal, INDIFFERENCE... Now wouldnt that be nice? 

Question to ask yourself : If you werent attracted to your abusive man as much and the sex sucked, would he have the same pull/power?  

DeeDee5 wrote:

tula1969 wrote: tula1969 wrote: DeeDee5 wrote: tula1969 wrote: I‘d like to know what makes the abused become abusers, specially if they have the proverbial fairy tale start in life??? I read an interesting article yesterday about people that abuse animals. T I have been reading many news articles about people who abuse animals. Thank god, there are laws on the books now, and arrests are being made.  In the area I live there has been a LOT of arrests for animal abuse.  It is really sad. Just last week someone threw a dog over the fence at an animal shelter after hours and the animal substained injuries.  The police are trying to find the person who did it to arrest them. Oh rest assured DD, we can 100% agree on this one. I absolutely DETEST animal abuse in any bloody shape or form. But back to the first part of my question, what is your take on people who were once abused themselves, becoming abusers??? I had hoped you were going to answer this. I was looking forward to your take on it. We do have a lot in common, having both been subject to awful abuse. We know like many others here, exactly how it feels. Its soul destroying. I was hoping you‘d share what you really thought about the abused then becoming abusers themselves? Especially now we have reached a consensus of respect. No worries   I haven‘t answered because I am not sure which type of abuse you are referring to....  I have heard that if a child grows up seeing abuse, thinking abuse is normal, then they might abuse someone as an adult, thinking its acceptable.  Which is sad.... because not only is it NOT acceptable, there are laws against it. I believe abuse affects every person in different ways, I have known of that to happen as well...two sons grow up in the same abusive home.....one son grows up to be a loving, caring husband....the other son grows up to be abusive and ends up in jail....so I guess it depends on the person....how abuse effects them. So I guess abuse effects everyone differently.   An abused person can  abuse others or choose not to.....thats my take on it...... Did I answer your question.....

Hiya DD

I know....... there are all types of abuse, guess I was referring to emotional, verbal and potentially physical as opposed to sexual.

I agree with you that its sad if someone grows up believing abuse is acceptable.

Very, very sad and yes the laws are there to protect from it. Seldom do they get put into power and used though. The more subtle, less obvious signs of abuse are harder to prove and detect. It appears in my country that its only physical and financial abuse that gets punished. The abuses that are easily visible.

I know as I am sure you do and countless of the women here, that it is sooo soul destroying to be at the end of abuse. It rips in  places deep down inside of us that are not visible to the naked eye. Especially verbal and emotional abuse. We may already have rocky self worths and self esteems and these just crumble it to the floor. Sickening, disgusting and appalling.

I quote "an abused person can abuse others or choose not to.."

I too think adults that choose to abuse have that choice on whether to do so or not. I am a firm believer in adult self responsibility and ownership over our actions, leaving the onus with them.

I guess a good example is say..... your choice to abuse your sister here on a forum for abused people? I understand that you take self responsibility for doing it as you personally made that choice............ it leads me kind of to my next question which is why do some adult people who have been at the recieving end of abuse, who know how vile and awful it is, then go on to dish it out???

Hope you are having a good day so far and ofcourse that the new dinning set is wonderful?

T

Well the sex did suck.  In the end it did.  All I could think about was the things he had been yelling at me.  The crap he had pulled on me.  It didn‘t matter what "special moves" he had.  My body was being ruled by my mind and heart. 

True enough before he was a good lover.  But when you realize that your lover is not sincere then it all becomes a big lie and it completely turned me off.

My power and pull was always just hope.  I hoped that maybe he really did love me.  I hoped that he just had a problem and he was a smart guy, he will go to counseling.  He was aware of himself enough, cared enough blah blah blah. Pull and power....keeping my family together, my home etc. 

He is aware.  My hubby was sneaky and dangerous.  He just doesn‘t care, doesn‘t love and spiritually he is a liar.

Before I was indifferent to a point.  I couldn‘t honestly say that I was in love with him anymore.

To feel hate right now is good for me. To stand up for myself and be angry with the way he has treated me is where I need to go to heal.

Luvly, I understand the hate, I too am feeling that way towards my husband, but I know I feel so much on the spectrum of feelings...I dont believe any of those feelings would be wrong, they are our feelings and we have the right to feel what we feel. I just know that indifference would be freedom....not there yet. I must learn patience big time.  

He just called from the jail again, and this time I answered. I do not want him to get in any  trouble for calling as he is going against the initial protection order. He still hasnt gotten the divorce papers served to him, and seemed surprised that they were really coming. I told him I filed that day and I guess he didnt understand that he would be served in jail.

Sounds like jail is not so fun now judging from his voice and that he has been dealing with situations in there that have him more concerned with just getting through jail then anything else.Still he says he called to see how I am, and baby. I told him not to call anymore because of the protection order ...plus the phone bill is going to cause me problems....For an almost 31 year old man, he sure is set in his ways....

At least my daughter got to go from talking to him today on the play phone to saying hello on the real phone....but I will not modify that protection order cause I just dont know him....cue in the last song from the movie Rock Star called COLORFUL as it playing on my tv and in my head...music is always so powerful when going through heartbreak

Hi Kaylar,

I have no choice but to let my son and daughter stay at their fathers.  It is court ordered here.

He gets them on tues and thurs for 4 hours each.  Now he is asking for them one weekend day.

They have visitation.  We are not allowed to talk during the exchange, which is fine.  We both just pull up to the McDonald‘s parking lot and exchange the kids from one car to another without saying a word.

At first it was annoying because the kids would be excited to see him and he would be talking on his cell phone.  He has gotten better about not being on the phone when he picks up the kids.

I do try to focus on his actions when I think about him.  He looked like he might have been crying before the exchange yesterday.  I felt kind of bad, and then all I had to do was remember him screaming at me that he wanted a divorce and it was my fault because I am a bitch.

Every time he threatened a divorce it was like a big thick book being slammed shut.  I would try to have a conversation with him about something that hurt.  He would get angry, start belittling and not listening or understanding my feelings.  I would get upset because he is now yelling at me.  I just wanted to talk.  Then it would escalate and he would tell me that he wanted a divorce. 

Some of you talk about husbands that go against a protection order trying to get back with you, promising you everything.

See, my husband would never do that.  Because he is always right.  He wanted the divorce.  I am sure that it shocked him that I had one ready for him so fast.  But he will never own up that he might have made a mistake. He will not go to counseling to try to figure out why he is a batterer.  Because he doesn‘t realize that anything is wrong with him. In his eyes, I am the one who pushes all of his buttons.  He has even told me this.  It is my fault that he yells at me or calls me names, if I had just shut up it wouldn‘t have happened.  Yet, he starts the disagreements.

  He either refuses to help around the house until I can‘t take it anymore, (and I am talking about him not even being willing to watch our children or make them lunch while I am trying to get ready for work).  If that doesn‘t work, well then he has many tactics.  He makes it obvious that he is checking out other woman by letting them call our house.  Of course that would upset any woman.  He then tells me that it is MY PROBLEM that I am hurt by this and it doesn‘t bother him in the least.  So therefore it is my problem.  But just to turn the knife a bit he tells me that she treats him better than I do.

I am thinking this is because she doesn‘t know him.   Ahh well he cheated on me with someone who got fired working at a gas station. 

 This obviously hurts.  But then he is cold as ice.  He obviously doesn‘t love me, or he wouldn‘t have treated me this way.

I have a friend who is a bit older than me and she had him pegged for a very long time.  She says he is insecure and a liar. She is so funny...she told me that "he would have been afraid to eat a single meal had she been his wife". LOL

Miss Luvly1...unfortunately my husband doesnt promise me anything, or say nice things, or admit he did anything wrong, or try and understand how I feel, or anything differnt then your husband. In fact, I think they are related! No, my husband just falls short of asking, understanding, and compromise. He will not admit to anything and I am always being blamed. He does what is called "projection identification" and is narcissistic.

Whatever your husband tells you about women, like Kaylar said, dont believe him, he‘s full of s***. These men have some serious issues and are delusional. You can do anything and everything right, or what you think they will be pleaseing and nothing works. You can end up spending so much of your life trying to find logic out of their illogical behavior that you end up obsessed with no life of your own...day in and day out hoping that you can just be happy and at peace and laugh and makelove and they get angrier and angrier the more happy you get. So you start getting sad until you now are told to quit being a victim and get to work...

I went to a class tonight on Faith and what believer‘s do. I dont know if you believe but having people pray for you is said to really work. So ask for your prays to be answered, whatever they are. But for now I would get away from the guy and get some rest/peace. This guy will not change unless you get away from him now....and if you say it and dont follow through like I did so many times he wont believe you and the abuse will get worse.

I dont know why they dont get it and why they do what they do, but these men are mean and have no empathy...and yeah my husband called again today from jail, but I didnt get to answer, and what good is it when I do answer. He sets me up instead of just being honest and asking and then I have no way of knowing what it is he really wants or is up to. I told him not to call yesterday because he could could get in bigger trouble cause the jail records all calls and he is going against the protection order. He asked if I could get it removed and I said not until I feel it is the right time, so please dont call. So he called and part of me wants to be happy cause he is calling and clearly wants to talk cause it must suck where he is, and divorce papers are coming but he‘s pissed and yet saying "whatever", so why does he risk getting in bigger trouble for talking to me, cause he loves me so much and doesnt want to lose me....probably not. I think he is jones for his control and needs to get a fix....He never admits to anything, he has done nothing wrong you see, then he will say "I dont want the divorce, cant you stop it"....and I think why? Because all his words mean crap to me and ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS and since I dont trust him, I cant deal with him. No matter how much I wish he would have a 360 degree turnaround and just be a good guy... Be kind instead cruel... think of other‘s instead of just thinking about himself...be honest and not deceptive...be warm instead of cold....share instead of keep secret.....see and show interest instead of ignore...be loyal and not cheating ( whether through lust in porn etc, or in a real person )...be respectful of another human being, especially if she is your devoted wife and partner/mother of your child (ren)...have understanding how other people feel ( empathy ) and how that if he‘s always thinking about himself (narcissist ) he is being selfish and neglectful...

They can choose tobe like Jesus and not be like the devil.........could it be any simpler. IDK, it makes sense to me...but I guess I am missing something here... You dont not treat another human being the way these men treat their wives. period...

....and the idea about telling him the dog ran away is brilliant, because he will use whats most precious to you, because it is good and they hate good, they are possessed by negative energy and so once he feels he is no longer in control he will go for your heart strings with the dog. BEWARE OF THE MAN, the sign should read. Get away from him now, love him from a distance, set him free and if it‘s meant that you two get back together someday you will, if not the worst is yet to come and you may not have as many choices. I know it‘s hard, but what do you have to lose, take a shot at freedom and being the best you can be and have faith in the possibilites in life, or wait for this unenlightened a morally corrupt man to change and you‘ll be robbed of your identity, your connection, your sprirt, your joy, and anything and everything that is good about you will have been squashed out of you and you may forget that goodness and love exist and become bitter and resentful and dark like your repressor.

It feels like a fight for good over evil. IT IS. But I found out you cant fight, thats what they do is stir up negative energy and you cant let your self be a part of it, and you cant make them see, because they are blind and being lied to and they are lying to themselfves to protect their fragile ego‘s which is really what is the only thing holding them up because they know they are not nice and they know they are mean and unfair and they hate themselves for it but they hated them selves already, and you are there to pick on and life is unfair and they want revenge and to feel like somebody, and they finally felt like somebody with you and so now they have to keep you under their control so they get your attention and make you feel vulnerable and weak, so they dont control and become *****whipped. Things like compromise, vulnerablilty and love are weaknesses and are too much risk, so they block it..cant hear you..ignores you, pretends you dont exist... but he‘s watching you, believe it and how you react when he mentions other women. He wants to get a rise out of you, and if you get mad or feel bad, then he knows you still care, and if you dont, he will become mean and insulting and become suspicious of you.

It‘s exhausting. And after all that I still pray for my husband and a miracle...but Im not waiting around for it. Cause he will have to hit rock bottom before any desire to change occurs as we have made them too comfortable, and they bite the hand that feeds them love, security, and goodness. We try to and support them and help them deal with anger and hurt and it ends in us need help and their not there in return. they are not ready for grown up relationship and partnership...idk

This is some crazy world we live in...

It‘s been a few days since anyone has posted in this thread.

"Indifference" to these men does make it a lot easier, and it does come - long after it‘s over - and long after the healing process is well under way.  There comes a day when you remember your former life without pain, and you don‘t feel much of anything.  More than anything, I feel tremendous "relief" that I no longer have to live that way.

The "hope" died when I finally left him, and I never looked back. 

When I finally saw how thoroughly manipulated I was, and what a liar he was, the guilt drifted away - little by little.  I finally saw him for who he really was.  I didn‘t even feel sorry for him.  I didn‘t feel much of anything.  There were no regrets except one - that I stayed with him for so long.

Getting rid of the hatred and the fear took a while.  I had to really work on those two things.  The hatred got better when I completely stopped talking to him.  The anger at the injustice I felt improved when I faced him down in court with contempt of court charges.  It felt really good to stand up for myself!  As I got the finances under control, as he left the state, and as we made it on our own as a family - little by little - I felt the beginnings of "freedom" and the intoxication of "independence."  This was great!  What was I so afraid of for so long?

The freedom to be yourself is a wonderful thing.  Not having to walk on eggshells.  Not having to worry about being yelled at.  Not having to worry about pleasing - or displeasing - someone else.  Not having to live your life in fear every day.  Not having to be on pins and needles and feel stressed out all the time.  Not having to be afraid to go home, or to get up, or always trying to make sure everything is "perfect" so as not to set him off. 

Realizing you are free to have friends again, to invite company over, for your kids to have play dates, for the freedom to choose - every single day - how you will spend it.  Realizing that you can make yourself happy - at any time - without feeling guilty!

That life can be fun!  That you and your kids are "enough" - and that you can do things as a family - without guilt!  We had "family dates" going to the movies - going to dinner.  Maybe we couldn‘t do it all the time.  But we found ways to make it happen.  We enjoyed the hell out of "throwing out Dad‘s rule book" and making new rules of our own!

The first "rule" was no yelling in the house.  Ever.  It didn‘t mean that it never happened again, but it did mean that the offender learned to excuse themselves until they calmed down.  Everyone learned to "talk to" each other.

My kids finally really got to be kids.  It could be "all about them" for once, instead of the enraged ex-husband.  Friends, sports and school activities were the focal point.  FFA, animal projects, riding lessons, without any threats to sell their horses if they didn‘t measure up. 

The longer you are away, the more you realize that love has nothing to do with it.  And while a good marriage is a total blessing, a bad marriage is worse than a living hell. 

So if you are feeling sad, frightened and grief stricken, please know that there is a better life in store for you. 

Well, today‘s tech problems reveal not only that days of posts were removed from the site, as well as some new threads, but now I am unable to open pages 2 & 3 to even read what the most recent posts (up to 3/1/09) said. 

Nature abhors a vacuum!

So I will carry on the tale of "Ann" and "Roy" and Domestic Violence Story 2...

Since I have no one to talk to! (LOL)

"Ann" joins a women‘s support group sponsored through the domestic violence network.  The group meets on Monday nights.  She almost feels like she doesn‘t belong at first.  Some of these women have problems far worse than hers.  Nonetheless, she is desperate, so she keeps going.  By the third group she attends, she finally starts talking.  She is shaking as she speaks, and is careful not to be dramatic, because she feels a little guilty talking about her dysfunctional marriage so openly to strangers. 

After about 15 minutes, the women in the group tell her that her husband is abusive, and that she needs to leave.  They tell her about the dangers of staying.  They also assure her that she‘s a good person and she deserves better.  Then the next person begins to share, and then the next.  She hears common themes.

She begins to attend quite regularly and tells "Roy" that it‘s a support group for depression.  Since childcare is provided for the kids, she takes the kids,too, which is the only reason why he isn‘t suspicious.  The kids don‘t know what the group is for.  All they know is that they get to go and have fun with other kids, color and draw pictures, and do crafts.  They know that they get to have fun and they look forward to "Support Group."

"Ann" has the phone numbers of a few other women there, and begins making new friendships.  These women really understand what she‘s going through, and they share their stories with her.  She finds out that she is not alone, and that others have been through it too.  It is so nice to have people to talk to about this.

All these years, she had an unfavorable image of battered women.  She imagined them as pathetic losers who just "put up" with being treated badly by men because they didn‘t have any self respect or self esteem.  In her mind‘s eye, they were the problem because they didn‘t just "get out."

She is stunned to realize she is now one of those women.  What would others say about her?  She looks at herself in the mirror.  She knows she is highly intelligent, competent, capable, and appropriately assertive.  People do not as a rule walk all over her.  She is highly respected at work and in business. 

She pays attention to other women in the group.  Most of them are really smart, funny, and attractive.  One in the group was a beauty queen and a finalist for college scholarship, but made the mistake of marrying the wrong person and never realized her potential.  None of them are pathetic losers, and in fact, with some, it is really hard to believe that any of them have been living this way.  Others, yeah, do look the part of a victim.  But when she hears what they have been living with, and how they got there, she becomes less judgmental and more compassionate.  She also realizes that for the grace of God, she could end up in the same place, and already has - in more ways than one. 

The real losers - she decides - are the cops who don‘t arrest, the cops who arrest the wrong person (a woman for defending herself), the legal system who does not adequately protect the rights of women and children, the churches (who make women feel guilty and pressure them to "stay" and "not break up the family"), and once again, the cops who don‘t arrest when abusers violate protection orders and stalk the woman who leaves.

She meets a woman with permanent vertigo caused by continual blows to the head and resulting surgery.  The bruises and hematomas served to get him arrested and get a protection order, and the doctor, in fact, advised her to sue him.  When the doctor was subpoenaed in court, however, he refused to uphold the truth, and in fact, severely weakened her case.  This woman has lost jobs because the abuser will not leave her alone, and one day, was waiting for her in her car.  "Ann" is chilled by this woman‘s story, which increases her fear of leaving.  She knows the same thing could happen to her.

She figures out that even if she does leave him, it won‘t be "over" and that she will continually have to watch her back.

The support group is effective, however.  She is clear in her mind that she needs to end the marriage.

"Roy" seems to know that something is up.  He can smell a secret.  He just can‘t get his hands on what it is that she‘s hiding.  He‘s checked the checkbook.  The checks have all been written at Safeway, or the hair salon, or at Pizza Hut.  He was along for the ride on most of those trips so she can‘t be cheating.  He checks the Caller ID, and throws a fit that "some guy must be calling" and "Ann‘s" response to that is to change the phone number.  She‘s home every night.  She‘s a work every single day, and answers the phone when he calls. He calls several times a day, always with the same result.  He‘s agitated because he knows something is up, and she just isn‘t giving him anything to go on.  So he resorts to the last resort...picking on the kids.

This is a surefire way to always get her attention.  She‘s a mother bear when it comes to the kids.  He decides to pick on the one that she‘s the most protective of.  He gets the desired reaction.  She is right in the middle of it.  They end up fighting.  He threatens her - only to see a steely-eyed gaze and no response.  She doesn‘t flinch, no matter how close he gets to her face.  She stares him down - a cold, defiant, scornful gaze.  He keeps yelling.  She says nothing - just stares him down.  Then he threatens the child who is crying, and then "Ann" marches to the phone and dials 911.  "Roy" freaks out, knocks the phone out of her hands and tears it out of the wall again, and tries to take off in his truck.  The cops catch up with him, take statements from both of them, but once again, alks his way out of it, and the cops do not arrest him.  "Ann" mentions the phone out of the wall, and the cops ignore it, and say "File a protection order on Monday."

‘Roy" befriends the babysitter, who is a compassionate Christian woman who believes all problems can be solved by establishing a "personal relationship with Jesus."  She has been concerned about "Ann" & "Roy‘s" children for some time.  The kids have mentioned to her how scary their dad is, and over the years, she has never gotten to know him very well.  When she has observed him, his eyes were wary and full of mistrust.  "Ann" is the only parent she has had a personal relationship with.  "Myrna" the babysitter decides to help "Roy" who is in tears at her doorstep saying, "Please help me."

Myrna‘s husband - "Paul" - decides to "minister" to Roy by bringing him into the house - listening to him cry - and telling him that "all things are possible through God" and how their marriage was just as bad as "Roy‘s" at one time.  Their marriage was "healed" through the Lord.

"Roy‘s" next move is a religious conversion.  Instinctively, he knows "Ann" is going to leave him.  There was no doubt - in that steely-eyed gaze - that she was through with him.  He knows with his most recent disaster that she is going to keep calling the cops.  So now he needs a new strategy to look the "good guy" and in order to do that, he needs to get more people on "his side."  He could operate all on his own as long as "Ann" was intimidated and not talking to people, but if she leaves him, the word will be "out."

He knows how to cleverly manipulate the sitter.  To openly badmouth his wife would make her defend "Ann."  To be angry and belligerent would weaken his cause.  No - he must appeal to her "sympathy."  He knows that she is very co-dependent, and wants to be honored by the Lord for "helping" others.  He appeals to her motherly, maternal ways by becoming very "humble" and "contrite" and asking a lot of questions, and trying to "learn more" about Christianity.  He particularly salivates on those morsels about "wives submitting to their husbands."  That damn Ann would just never do that.  She needs a religious conversion! 

Myrna - not knowing that "Roy" is working her - is pleased and flattered at the "change" in Roy and how "open" he is.  She thinks she is really helping him.  Without knowing it, she is gradually siding with him.  he tries to talk to "Ann" as well, who is resistant, and tells Myrna that she is being manipulated by the biggest con of all time.  Myrna is offended by Ann‘s attitude and becomes convinced that perhaps Roy is right about her after all.  She sighs - she cannot help Ann - but Roy is still her disciple.

Ann is trying to plot her escape.  She can‘t let on to Roy what she is doing, so she has to act normal until she can get the protection order.  She has found out the shelter is full.  There is no place to go.  It‘s another week until payday, so a motel room is out.  How would she get the kids to school?  So much to do and plan and figure out and she has no money to work with.

She finally does the protection order.  She called and left a voicemail for the boss that she would not be in.  She picks up the kids at school.  A court facilitator helps her with the paperwork.  She breaks down and cries in the courtroom as the reality of it hits -knowing the sheriff is going to serve him and that he will be forcibly removed from the home.

She spends the night at a friend‘s house, and cannot sleep all night long - pacing the floor - agonizing - feeling guilty - feeling anxious and stressed out - hoping he doesn‘t hate her too much - wondering how much of the failure of the marriage was her responsibility.  Her children know what has happened.  Two of them are very confused and angry and upset.  They blame the other child (the one that was picked on) for breaking up the family.  "Ann" assures them that it wasn‘t their sister‘s fault, and that things are going to get better.

More in a few...

After the Split Up:

The first week "Ann" is almost euphoric with relief.  No more yelling.  Yes, she is guilt stricken.  Yes, she is unable to sleep.  She is running on pure adrenaline.  But the horrible tension in the home is gone. 

The second week, reality sets in.  There are big bills to pay.  The electric bill is huge.  Christmas is a week away. Everything requires money.  She has to drive.  She has to pay the babysitter.  There isn‘t enough money to do everything.

She gets a loan from her sister to pay a retaining fee on a lawyer.  She starts the divorce.  She knows that if she files, Roy will at least be obligated to pay child support, and that would help pay bills.

"Roy" is laying it on thick about being "homeless" to all the relatives, even though his take-home pay is about $800 per week.  Everyone feels sorry for him.  He tells everyone that "Ann" was cheating.  He tells everyone that she was "psycho" and attacked him.  They are stunned, but on the other hand, they have all witnessed - from time to time - that Ann can be a bit strong willed.  When she makes up her mind, she doesn‘t budge.  Just goes to show you can‘t really tell what goes on behind closed doors.

"Roy" gets an apartment.  The kids have a weekend visitaton with Dad.  They see that Dad doesn‘t "have anything."  No furniture.  No bed to sleep in.  He‘s sleeping on the floor.  He cries when they have to go home.

The kids feel sorry for him.  "Ann" looks like a big meanie.  How could she do this to their dad?  And he was "so nice" to them all weekend!  He was actually fun! 

They stare daggers at Mom when they come home.  She is chilled by the change in them.  They are angry, aloof and despondent, and don‘t want to talk to her.  She knows something has happened, but she doesn‘t know what.

She calls a woman from the support group.  The other woman has been through this, and validates her feelings.  She tells her that this is common in a divorce.  She advises Ann to be patient, and to give it time.  It will get better. The children are merely confused and upset right now, and they need her more, now than ever, to be there for them, and to comfort them.  She assures Ann that the kids will eventually see the truth, but right now, their world has been disrupted.

The attorney warns Ann not to say anything negative about Roy to the children, and to be careful because she can be disciplined in court.  Roy, of course, is not adhering to this himself, and is filling the kids‘ heads with a lot of garbage every time he sees them.  He tells the kids about their mother cheating on him.  He tells them how she kicked him out on the street, and how heartless she is.  This serves to plant seeds in the children‘s minds, and to not trust her.  They wonder if she will abandon them, too.

"Roy" loses weight - buys new clothes - works out at the gym - "cleans up."  He gets new furniture in the apartment.   He borrows money from the kids‘ babysitter - even though he earns $800 a week take home - and he borrows money from his parents to pay for his lawyer.  He has a hard luck story for everybody.  And he refuses to pay any household bills, and his lawyer agrees, because Ann ended up with the house, so she gets the bills from the house.  He gets digital cable TV, he buys a play station, he has all kinds of "toys" and gadgets to entertain kids.  Women at the apartment complex are giving him the eye, and he picks up on at least one.  He tells her his tale of woe, and convinces her that the ex-wife is an evil bitch, and this "arrangement" serves two motives!  1) He can laid every now and then; and 2) Her kids can play with his, and every now and then, she can be a "free" babysitter for him.  When the kids come to visit, they can spend a few nights over at her house.

"Ann" is struggling.  Creditors are calling.  Her job is vulnerable to wages being garnished.  The house is falling apart, and she is having to find ways to make the repairs.  Work is better.  She isn‘t sleeping well yet.  Her worst times are when the kids go to see "Roy" and she is alone.  They love it over there, now!  They can‘t wait to go again.  They don‘t even like to be home, and they think she isn‘t a "fun" parent anymore because she can‘t spend any money on them.  They stay home a lot, and it‘s boring.  Worse, they have to clean and they have to help out.  "Roy" is telling the kids how he‘d like for them to come and live with him, and they actually think it might be a good idea.  "Ann" is heartbroken, but sees the manipulation behind the scenes.  She can‘t afford to compete with "roy" for bigger and better toys and more luxury items. 

"Roy" isn‘t paying child support. He doesn‘t mention this to the kids.  To Ann, he says that he‘s "broke" and his route has been cut, and he‘s having a terrible time.  He wants joint custody.  "Ann" refuses.  If they couldn‘t get along married, they will never get along divorced, and it‘s bad enough now having the kids going back and forth.  She knows he doesn‘t want to give up control, and she will never be "free" if she agrees to it.

The attorney sells her out.  Her retainer fee is exhausted.  He needs more money to continue the case.  She doesn‘t have more money.  The attorney withdraws from the case.  And then charges her additional fees for doing absolutely nothing.  She is on her own. 

She is forbidden to sell anything out of the house.  She feels trapped, and worst of all, not even her children truly want to be with her at this point.  She is stuck holding the bag. 

Is it better than it was to be married to him?  At least then she was happy part of the time.  At least then, she was close to her kids.  She was their whole world then.  In the end, it seems the abusive jerk won after all.

She goes to the support group and shares her feelings.  She shares her pain.  They all assure her that she made the right choice.  They validate her pain.  They tell her that one day her children will know and understand. 

Her normal friends are busy and involved in their own lives, and stop calling.  It isn‘t that they don‘t care.  They just don‘t know what to say.  They think "Ann" just needs to get over it and move on.  "Ann" realizes she needs to move on, but how does she cope with all these emotions she is having?

More in a few...

"Ann" is doing odd jobs to make money.  She‘s cleaning houses for people.  Washing windows.  Watching other people‘s kids.  She takes up car pooling.  She‘s paying off bills little by little - the small ones first.  She tries to feel good about her progress.

She‘s still going to the weekly support group.  She doesn‘t share much, because there are new people who are in "major crises" and everyone assumes that she is "healed" because she left.  She has a job.  She has a house.  The abuser is out.  She doesn‘t "need" attention as much as the others do.  She feels guilty even talking when seeing what the others are going through.  She feels more alone than ever.

Why isn‘t she happy?  Everyone acts like the bluebird of happiness should be flying over her head.  Instead she feels empty and lonely. 

She consults another attorney.  Finds out that she needs a $1500 retainer fee.  It might as well be one million dollars!  She does some fact finding - asks lots of questions - takes lots of notes.  The information is not encouraging.  For right now, his attorney is letting sleeping dogs lie, so she has a little bit of time.

She contacts support enforcement.  The child support enforcement never got filed with the court, so it isn‘t legal yet.  She knows she can do this without an attorney, but she knows she can expect full retaliation from the ex if she does, and that his attorney will go after her with a vengeance, so she needs to keep it low key for now.  She finds out that Support Enforcement won‘t go after his income because the employer is in another state.  Creditors won‘t go after him, either, because the employer is in another state, and besides, it is easier to garnish her check.  She‘s "local."

Her former attorney sues her.  She is forced to take out several paycheck loans to pay off the collection agency so that they will leave her alone.  This only serves to put her more and more behind financially.

She sells her wedding ring.  She pawns some of the tools in the garage.  She quits eating herself to feed the kids.  She tells herself this is a "temporary" situation and that it will be okay.

She begins having health problems.  She learns when her children come home that their father is telling them how she "got everything" - the house, the SUV, and how the only thing he left with was the shirt off his back when she kicked him out in the street.

She loses it, and informs the kids that the only reason she has the house is because the kids live there and she needs it.  It has been mortgaged to death, so the payments are huge and she can barely afford them.  She tells them the SUV (that the ex "just had to have") has huge payments as well, and has too many miles on it for trade-in, and that if she were to sell it outright, she would have a tough time selling it.  And then she commits the major boo-boo of telling them that their father makes good money and is not paying child support. 

The kids are wide-eyed and upset, and of course, the rebellious one goes and repeats it to Dad.  Who in turn - tells his attorney - and she is in deep **** because she doesn‘t even have an attorney to represent her at this point in time.

She is now the "bad guy" - with the babysitter, with the court, with the relatives, friends, and in-laws, and even with her kids.  She can‘t even rely on friends to talk to, or a support group to nurture her through the process, and does not want it to be common conversation at work.

Fast forward...she gets another attorney, the divorce goes through after about a year of fighting, and she finally gets custody of the kids - after mediation - and a guardian ad litem. - and numerous court appearances  She proves her credibility as a mother at long last, and everyone is saying, "It is finally over!"  She knows it‘s far from over.  As long as they have children together, she is going to have him in her life.  There is no address condidentiality program.  There is no leaving the state or going into hiding.  This bastard will be in her back pocket forever.

In the final decree, she finally plays hard ball.  She couldn‘t really do that until she reconciled with the fact that this man will be her permanent enemy and that an amicable relationship - even for the sake of her children - will be impossible.  She will forever look over her shoulder.  She will forever anticipate being manipulated, coerced and bullied, and know that whenever the abuser is "nice" she had better be suspicious and "watch out."  She has to be at peace with putting this marriage in a coffin and never looking back.

That said, she puts her emotions on the back burner, and plays to win.  She can anticipate his every move.  She knows him so well that she can always predict what he will try next.  The marriage is over - it‘s toast - and it‘s time to cut her losses.  Her credibility is on the line, and the only thing she has to fall back on is her integrity.  She evaluates what matters most to her - her children - and says not no  but "Hell no!" to joint custody. 

All the people she liked and respected - who she thought were her friends - but bought into "Roy‘s" lies - have been banned from her life. 

Every now and then someone will say, "Why did you stay?"  Her response is, "Why do men batter?  And why do they get away with it?"

Today, she‘s an advocate.  She never remarried. 

"Ann‘s" and my story were virtually identical. 

We met in support group and became very good friends.  Our exes were in the same profession.  We joked that we were soul mates.  My ex accused us of being "lesbian lovers" because we spent so much time together.

She did a lot to help me leave my abusive ex.  It was uncanny how alike we were, and how alike our exes were.  She gave me a lot of tools, and gave me some really good advice when I left.  She‘d been through everything I was experiencing, and helped me have courage when I was scared, getting ready for court, and wasn‘t sleeping so well.

We even had the same number of children who were approximately the same ages. 

She‘s made it her life purpose to help others.