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    WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines

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wiltingflower
  Posted: 7/31/2008 4:06 AM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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Age: 37




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I am married for 4 years and have been with my partner for 6 years all up. This year I have found out that the man I married is not the guy I thought he was. We have not had any intimacy for months and this has been going on and off for a few years now. Everytime I confront my partner about why we are not having sex her gives me a quick answer " I am always tired" and leaves it at that. I have been emotionally and physically starved for a long time now. I always initiate to have sex, he very rarely makes any effort. He tells me every day that he loves me but that means nothing to me as his action show the opposite. I never have said no to him. He has subscriptions to magazines which are filled with naked woman, He looks at porno all the time, I have gone to strip clubs with him because I know he enjoys them. I even went to a swingers club with him because he kept on bugging me about it. I did not do anything with anyone at the swingers club because i told him that I am not comfortable and I could see that he was very eager and really wanted to experiment with others, but we didn‘t.

I have caught him masterbating in the bath room and yet he is not interested in any sexual activity with me. I have suppressed all my emotions regarding my sexual needs and feel like ****!

I caught him 4 times on chatlines and he runs up rediculous amounts on his phone bill to these lines. Everytime I caught him I made it very clear how much it hurts me, he stops for awhile and then he gets back on them. I get so upset because we met on a chat line and I sold my house and left behind my life to move states to be with him and now we have a six month baby boy and he now tells me that we are different and that our morals are not the same when it comes to relationships. When I recently caught him out on the chat lines I also discovered that he singles females out and obtains their mobile number and they continue texting each other and he admited this too me. I was devasted with the excuse he used. He said" I am not doing anything wrong i am chatting only I have not slept with anyone because i am married. ( can you believe this guy!!!) He does not see it as wrong and he wants to continue doing what he is doing irregardless that it hurts me and has shattered all my beliefs when it comes to our marriage. He tells me random crap like " I am more adventurous than you. I am a very social person. I like to have female friends "oh so now I am not allowed to have female friends! "

I honestly had no idea this is how he thought and how he wanted this relationship to be, I certainly did not want it this way. My needs are completely neglected and he just continues to satisfy his needs without considering my feelings.

I am a mess as I have a six month old and am torn with the idea of leaving my husband and moving back to my state and taking him away from his dad or staying where I am and just take it all on and do nothing.

We had our first session of relationship councelling and what I got out of it is that my husband thinks we are so different and that he wants to continue with what he is doing.

I so wish I did not move or meet him. I never thought I could be so wrong about a person and I am so resentful towards him for hiding this big issue from me, that he is happy to be married but he wants to continue on chat lines and create relationships with other woman, when at the same time he is completely emotionally and physically neglecting me.

How can he have the nerve to ask me to accept that!



Sam I Am
  Posted: 7/31/2008 8:03 AM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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Sweet Home
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My opinion?  Get out.

I think you and your husband are so different in your thinking that it will drive you crazy.  You cannot change another person no matter how hard you try or what you do or how much you talk about things.  What will happen if you stay together is that you will "settle" for what you can get or he will do a better job hiding his activity from you and you will not be happy and the resentment will build.

Plus there is the issue of money being spent on this kind of thing.  If he is really addicted then more and more money and time will be spent on this and less money and time spent on you and your child.

It is a real mess.  I would begin quietly getting ready to leave and talk to an attorney.  I am assuming you want to go out of the country with your child and that probably will complicate things for you.

Sometimes I just hate technology.  The internet and cell phones make it so easy to cheat.  I found out about my husband‘s wandering ways through the cell phone bill.

Good luck.

SAM



nstevens
  Posted: 7/31/2008 4:49 PM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 38




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I am sorry you are another person going there this S H I T  because of your spouse,this is the one thing I hate about Computers and Cell Phones.

The thing that gets me is would it be ok for someone to do this to there mother or sister or even there child and what would they tell them if it was happening to one of his friends or family members.

It is easy to say to leave his a s s ,but I know it is hard to do so.

take everything you have found and make copys of them and don‘t let him know you have them and put them in a safe place.you will need them when and if you ever leave his sorry a s s.and may the karma bus run him over big time .

I would also make sure to get check by a doctor to make sure he has not given you anything ,or talk to your doctor and let him know that what is going on and that you dont know for sure if he has meet anyone and did anything.

he needs to know he is cheating even if he has not meet them and as long as it hurts you than it is not ok.and please  don‘t give in and do the swingers things.

keep posting we are here for you.



imnuch
  Posted: 8/6/2008 3:43 PM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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sound just like my husband and i cant take it no more i want to get up of it and be happy again cuz what he has done it started to effect our life and relationship and i dont want my daughter know all this....I hope you can find your way whatever you want to do. It can be hard though and you know im really scare of it because i came from other country and i have no family or many friends here but im sure ill be all right. I hope youll be fine too.

kimwonka67
  Posted: 8/7/2008 6:28 PM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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Barneveld
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What are you getting out of this relationship?  I know having a child makes this soooooo not easy.  What kind of man do you want your son to be?  Your husband stops for a while and then goes back to it.  That is because you allow it.  He watches his p‘s and q‘s for a while to make you happy........then he goes for the ultimate............what makes him happy.  I so don‘t mean to sound harsh..............I have been through this...........but, are you willing to let someone else tell you or make you think that you  should live with something that you don‘t find acceptable?  I did that for such a long time and when i finally got the guts to leave I moved back home and started bartending in my hometown and one of the customers came in and was suprised to see me and asked me if my boyfriend had moved with me........and I told him no..........he asked me how long we were together and I told him 6 years............he just looked at me and said...."well, there is 6 years you are never going to get back."  I was stunned and speechless and I felt sick to my stomach....................cause he was right.

sweet&simple
  Posted: 8/20/2008 10:56 AM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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Definitely get out of this relationship. It‘s more than obvious that you‘re not getting anything out of it.. and it‘s unfortunate to find out later down the line that the person you‘ve committed yourself to isn‘t the person you wanted at all. You deserve a lot better and forcing yourself to stick it out just doesn‘t seem worth it. Having to adjust your morals to fit better with someone unwilling to change isn‘t fair to you at all.

I know you have child  involved, and I can‘t even begin to fathom how difficult that must be.. however, you have to consider the kind of environment your child is going to grow up in, and the type of relationship it will see to base its future relationships off of. Growing up and see parents like that can be extremely damaging.

Do you have somewhere back home to live? Any support system or anything like that?


wittyusername
  Posted: 9/7/2008 8:33 AM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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your husband sounds like a sick man. he may not be a tyrant but his abuse is through frustrating you. a lot of men find it hard to view their partners sexually once they become the mothers of their children, this is part of his sick thought system that i hope your counseller will help him sort out.

how do you feel about leaving him.  going out alone is tough. is he supportive financially, emotionally and mentally? is he your friend? doesnt sound like much of a marriage at the moment, but im wondering if leaving is the best thing, or if having separate lives under the same roof might work for now.

i hope you continue counselling with him, more for your own self esteem and to get your confidence back.  im not suggesting that you have an affair, but i hope some other men start flirting with you and making you feel like a sexy woman.  this type of long term frustration and rejection has all kinds of ramifications on your self confidence.

just know inside that it is HIM. he is sick, and his behaviour is far from what a loving normal husband would do.



yasmina
  Posted: 9/8/2008 11:48 AM Subject: I need some serious advice - my partner is addicted to chat lines
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If theres a gay army, Im their warrior princess
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He has basically told you that this is the way he is, he is not going to change (he doesnt want to) and he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong.

Either he doesnt care if you leave or he is so narcissistic and sure that you wont leave him that he doesnt care if he hurts you.

Its up to you to decide if he will be a proper parent to your son. But no matter what, your child is better off with a happy Mommy than a sad one.

 

Yasmina



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