WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / what the **** is wrong with you?

its pissing me off. which is why i can barely come down here from general.

what‘s wrong with the women on the abuse section? how can they allow this **** to happen to them?

it makes me so mad that they give these men a second chance.

whats up with that???

i‘m serious. it makes me want to smack them, truth be told.

 and i hate to feel that way or even admit it, but i just don‘t get it.

my mom staying with her abuser i understood. it took her a very long time to get us 5 away from my dad. but while she endured those years, she never waivered in her resolve to get away, well, after their fourth child was born.

what‘s up with staying, giving them chances to change over and over. the price of trying to trust them seems to be dying yourself, little by little.

HAS ONE FUCKING MAN ON HERE EVER CHANGED?

it seems to me there is a line they cross and i m wondering have you ever known one to cross back, for good?

Lorrie I too have issues with women staying in abusive relationships. I can only assume that their self esteem and self worth are non exsistent. I just do not understand.

My first husband tried telling one of my co-workers that I was crazy. She came to me and asked (woman to woman) me what happened. I let her know that he made a fist and drew back to punch me and I shot the bedroom window out. I then told him the next one is will be right between the eyes. This ladies eyes got as big as a Texas coffee cup! She asked what happened and I told her. He left that night ad I packed my **** and left the next morning and filed for divorce the next afternoon.

I am the type person that does not take crap from anyone.

Well Lorrie...

It must be nice to never have ben abused by a man.I wonder why you are here then...didn‘t someone you trusted betray you?

How long did it take you to DISCARD the mother f***er?

I have to tell you based on my past experience in abusive relationships in which i had been left feeling POWERLESS aftter YEARS of abuses by so many different types of men...I lost my bearings and as you say..."allowed" myself to be abused while they LIED and told me they LOVED ME,that there are MANY reasons why women stay in abusive relationships.

There is no Literal Gun to our heads...but I can tell you...there ARE emotional guns pointed straight at our hearts...and because we are TOO TRUSTING or too CARING for our abusers..and BELIEVE them when they claim to be SORRY...we in the end...look like FOOLS for continuing to TRUST THEM at thier word...only to see....they do NOT have the ability to CHANGE..so WE MUST.

By that time...we are so lost and dazed and confused...leaving becomes close to impossible.Our self esteem get‘s tied up in thier psychosis!

And the fact is...the REAL PROBLEM is that men  are ABUSIVE and dont‘ seem to have RESPECT or emotional obligation or EMPATHY for women,and what YOU are doing..is blaming the VICTIM...which seems to be a past time here at WS.

The truth is... along the way..they STEAL our self esteem one minute and boost it the next...it‘s called intermittant positive reinforcement.And it is as confusing as all hell.And that in and of itself KEEPS US IN LIMBO...

But when you through in HUMAN NATURE and cognitive dissonance...you get women who don‘t know HOW to escape thier own justifications and rationalizations.

If your mother had NOT allowed herself to be abused AT ALL...and had left your father BEFORE she had all those kids...they you could say her "resolve" to leave was respectable.

How about you do yourself  and the VICTIMS of abuse here a favor...

Google these and get informed so you dont‘ have to ask yourself...

What the **** is these women‘s problem.

1.Betrayal Bonding

2.Cognitive Dissonance

3.Codependency

4.Love Addiction

5.Abandonment issues

ETC!

If you have NEVER been abused by a man...they you are a rarity...and you would probably NOT have the capacity to comprehend HOW men manipulate our feelings and choices with thier abuses and lies and games.

Women are TOO Kind and forgiving to be sure...but we don‘t need to be JUDGED as STUPID for staying in abusive relationships by anyone.

That is so invalidating...and unsupportive and inconsiderate when you don‘t take into ACCOUNT..that if MEN weren‘t abusive...you wouldn‘t NEED to be asking this question of women.

Can I assume...that the SECOND you found out your H was cheating on you...you LEFT HIM?

If not..then you too had BIG a ****ing problem.

This place seems to be all about BLAMING the VICTIM..and I have seen it since the day I first joined here by how WOMEN LOVE TO BLAME WOMEN For the misdeeds of men!

That is just WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Most women here...have most likely been desensitized by ABUSERS throughout their lives... thanks to thier childhood abusers,thier husbands, thier boyfriends, etc...and we learn to TAKE IT in the name of love..because that is all we know...and the SECOND WE WISE UP...and realize...

MEN ARE HATERS OF WOMEN and we can NOT CHANGE THEM...only our dysfunctional REACTIONS to them..we leave.

But there are many many extenuating circumstances in these women‘s lives that prevent them from taking control and CHANGING thier lives.

Have some EMPATHY and sympathy for them....as they have had ENOUGH judgement for one lifetime...I can assure you of that.

Google WHY WOMEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS and you will see....it is NOT always as simple as saying..

GET THE F**K out!

My two informed and personally experienced 2 Cents!

ps.I hope this helps answer your question..so you don‘t feel the need to come here and make women feel WORSE for having been ABUSED by a man.

And Touche...don‘t even BOTHER to respond to me...I have had ENOUGH of your abuses and I will NOT react to your rudeness EVER again..as I have learned...bullies NEVER CHANGE!

Ramble On

And the fact is...the REAL PROBLEM is that men  are ABUSIVE and dont‘ seem to have RESPECT or emotional obligation or EMPATHY for women,and what YOU are doing..is blaming the VICTIM...which seems to be a past time here at WS.

for the record ramble on...

this is what  i said:

what‘s up with staying, giving them chances to change over and over. the price of trying to trust them seems to be dying yourself, little by little.

HAS ONE FUCKING MAN ON HERE EVER CHANGED?

it seems to me there is a line they cross and i m wondering have you ever known one to cross back, for good?

Have some EMPATHY and sympathy for them....as they have had ENOUGH judgement for one lifetime...I can assure you of that.

and i can assure you that i have made my bones around here. plenty.

if you think i would give my ex or any other man another shot at killing me, then you are the one that is wrong.

if you want to help me learn i suggest you change your tone towards me.

i am not the enemy here.

I survived verbal abuse. I was one of the women who gave countless chances until I couldnt take it anymore.

What I can say is that both my parents were dysfunctional.

Heres why I didnt develop any self esteem to make better desicions. I got older and wiser. My parents divorced when I was 13. I was the oldest. My mother left our home on Friday nights to whore around and didnt return home till Sunday. The neighbors knew we were alone on the weekends. I‘m guessing DYFS wasnt around then.

We lived a mile from a mental hospital. I was the oldest and my youngest sibling at the time was 5. When there was an escape and the patient was a threat to the community, fog horns would sound off. We knew what that meant. We were scared. I frequently called the cops because I heard noises outside. They would drive around our U shaped driveway and call in to dispatch that all was OK. I constantly told my mother we were scared. You know what she did? Got us a german shepard. Never crossed her mind she should have been home. I never developed any good self esteem.  Both my grandparents, my father, father in law and brothers were college graduates. They all drank, cheated on their wives, etc.  So, I assumed that was the way men were supposed to be. My husband drank, cheated, etc.  When I asked my mother to help me understand why she said "dont complain, your husband works hard, hands over his paycheck and his shoes are under your bed at night, thats the way it is"

So, the first 15 years were great, the next 10 were ok, the last 5 were awful.  Only through counseling did I realize that because of the way my parents treated me, I didnt think I deserved any better. I was told as a child "children should be seen and not heard".

Thank God we are now more informed to make better choices, have the tools available to assist us and with the knowledge we currently have, raise our children to be better parents.    

"its pissing me off. which is why i can barely come down here from general."

what‘s wrong with the women on the abuse section? how can they allow this **** to happen to them?

it makes me so mad that they give these men a second chance.

whats up with that???

i‘m serious. it makes me want to smack them, truth be told.

 and i hate to feel that way or even admit it, but i just don‘t get it.

I don‘t think that saying she wants to ‘smack them" helps AT ALL!

If Lorrie can understand why her mother stayed with an abusive man for YEARS....then why is she judging and looking down on  the women here? Maybe a bit of projected frustration she didn‘t get to express while her mother was being abused?

That must be it.

What women here NEED is a bit of compassion.,validation and understanding that they are NOT TO BLAME for thier abusers choices to abuse them..and I think ALOT more BLAME and SHAME SHOULD be inposed on thier abusers!

Where the HELL are they to answer for WHY thier women have to be HERE in the first place?

Uh...hiding from the TRUTH of themselves...that‘s where!

Half the reason they continue to stay is due to the fact that thier ABUSERS perpetually invalidate them and lower thier self esteem.

Why did your mother stay Lorrie?

I know all about it...because after 25 YEARS of that SHIT....I finally  left my Husband.But....i gave him MUCH more than a second chance to change...ever heard of LEARNED HELPLESSNESS?

That is what happens when people are INVALIDATED by people they love for years! I doubted my JUDGEMENT for 2 decades thanks to my H‘s mixed messages!

It is a MIRACLE that I managed to gather any self confidence or self worth after all those years of verbal abuse,alcoholism and anger management issues on the part of my HUSBAND.

I think " tough love" by a stranger is simply...invalidation Abuse victims JUST DO NOT NEED!

And I will NOT back down from my opinion.Because I have learned over the years...that my opinion MATTERS!

Maybe she should just stay in general...then no one here will need to feel WORSE than they already do for what thier ABUSERS have done to thier self esteem.It is not always easy to give up on someone you once LOVED!

What came first..the ABUSER or the abused?

Bottom line,in general..ABUSIVE MEN ARE SICK...and that includes Cheaters!..and the sooner we realize THAT..the sooner we won‘t TRUST THEM without emotional well being

Hang TOUGH ladies....leave when you feel SAFE enough to do so!

And remember...there ARE  places that help to PROTECT you from your abusers..and who won‘t JUDGE how long you have stayed.

Ramble on

if you want to help me learn i suggest you change your tone towards me.

LOL.....

That is exactly what I am asking YOU to do towards the women in this abuse forum...it always amazes me how people can dish it out...but they can‘t take it.

I am asking you in my own assertive way,to change your tone with these women.

Re-read your Thread Topic and you tell ME that it isn‘t going to put them on the DEFENSIVE!

What good does that do anyone?

(ps--- MY CAPS are NOT YELLING...they are used in order to reinforce my feelings in a way that stands out)

It is not my "job" to teach you anything. I offered REASONS why women stay in abusive relationships in order for YOU to expand your  knowledge regarding abuse so you don‘t judge US! It took me YEARS to figure out why I stayed...and it all stemmed from my emotionally and sexually abusive childhood and what I witnessed and felt and how I was invalidated and powerless over my own life.It carried over into ALL of my relationships with men.

But that will NEVER excuse,defend or judtify THIER abusive behaviors!

My point in jumping into this thread is to try and PROTECT the women here from any MORE abuses!

And I think you might want to ask yourself...WHY does it upset you that you can‘t CONTROL these women and thier choices with judgement?

It NEVER works!

If you truly want to HELP....then may I suggest that you read this entire website so you know what NOT TO DO!

We all must find our OWN WAY OUT! And no amount of outside force can MAKE us do anything until we are READY to BREAK THE BETRAYAL BOND to our abusers!

Ramble On

my mom staying with her abuser i understood. it took her a very long time to get us 5 away from my dad. but while she endured those years, she never waivered in her resolve to get away, well, after their fourth child was born.

she stayed and had four kids with the drunk ramble.

its sarcasm. how the hell she kept having kids with him is beyond me.

get ahold of yourself women.

so ramble, what are you doing about what was done to you?

yes bubble, and i was thinking about this last night.

is it how i feel right now, like he‘s the only one i can get? do you feel like: since this is the only one i can get, i have to put up with less then i am worth?

because even tho i know he‘s the only one right now, inside i know i would not fall for his ****. altho, i play along like i am falling for it.

does that make sense?

is there no bottom line for some women?

Lorrie,

Your a sweet lady, but in this post you are off the deep end.  I can understand your frustrations however the simple fact is that the reason these relationships endure are legion.  If you try to make sweeping generalizations you will never be correct.  It can range from a history of abuse as a child, to being an emotional masocist, to feeling without options, to a co-dependent relationship, to.....

It is of no use to get angry with the victims.  The best approach is to be unwaveringly supportive and loving with them.  Advise them, listen to their tears, perhaps no one else is.  However you have to stop short of telling them how to live their lives, that is simply another form of abuse.  They are adults and you have to trust that at some point your advise and support will give them the strength to take the first step out of the relationship.  That step has to be taken by them for their own reasons.  Nothing else will work.

Sounds like a superhero not to be messed with. Supermom indeed.

Able to fend off scumbags with a single shot.

and dear thom, i think you and ramble are taking this the wrong way.

i am wondering: where is the bottom? where is that voice that tells you, ITS THE END.

its do or die.

i drank for years. i blamed my filthy stinking childhood and the fact that i was part russian.

don‘t laugh.

i figured i drank because russian people are notorious at suffering for their art and being russian i can hold more then most woman. i never drew a single picture and only wrote some crappy poetry.

i drank and drank. with lower and lower companions until one day i caught a glimpse of myself in the bar room mirror and realized what i had become.

that moment of clarity and mercy moved me to change.

it was the bottom.

is there no taking respondsibilty for what you have become? is it always someone else‘s fault for what you have allowed youself to become?

is there no end to blaming men for what was done to you?

how long can i blame my dad, my teachers and my crappy genetics for the fact that i knew i shouldn‘t drink and i kept right on?

same with cakeman. i stayed in that house wailing and dying till one day i wiped my snotty nose, put on some clean clothes and got on with moving. he left. i left.

is there no one that understands, hitting the bottom?

is the bottom just lower for some then others?

is there no voice of self-perservation with some woman.

is is possibile that i have compassion and no empathy?

i am just asking: has a man that promised to stop hitting and abusing ever kept  that promise?

and who beleives him, anyway?