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MESSAGE
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| TearDrop |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 7:19 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 22
Total Posts: 3
Hampton
Virginia
United States
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WE were together off and on for three years. It started out long distance we would see each other time to time. Over the phone the relationship was hard. He would give a little then take alot. He made me feel like i was nworthless alot. But then after his anger settled he would say he was sorry and things would be great between us. Every thing I did was wrong from the way I spoke to the way I laughed.... I mean everything. TO him I was one unperfect ball. Then he would turn around and tell me all these things he liked about me. Alot of times Im not sure if it was my fault or not. I would make a mistake or do something I did not know and this would set him off. He would get soo angry and start making threats to leave me because I didnt know anything. Some of the frases He used alot was Im not on the same page or Im slow or Im not on his level. I tried very hard not to make any mistakes around him but I always seem to mess things up. This made me hate myself. Then there was the issuse of my weight. I dont want to go there cause its still battel. We moved in together last year after I had left him and he begged me back. That lasted two months because I started to relize in person what I had thought all along...he only acts that way to me when he is seeing other women. When he has no other women he treats me good.... Things got bad last year to the point that he getting physical. Agian I kept messing things up and making mistakes. He always says that little mistakes may not be big to other people but they are to him. then I left for two months this time he begged me back agian saying he wanted to marry me. I went back to him. Our happiness lasted only three months this time. He said he was not free because of me that I was making him caged but I always told him he was free to do whatever he wanted? So our relationship ended but he wanted to still keep me around..... so sometimes he would do things to make hope for our relationship to rekindle but then he would only get mad about something and I would mess something up or do something that made him mad and things would get bad all over agian. Now on top of that I was cc=ome to relize I cant leave him and I keep trying and I have become jealous of all the women he talks to. Our friendship is starting to fall apart now and he continues to push me away then pull me close....... Im not sure where I stand is it me? Did break us apart? I dont know how to fix us agian please help!
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| shally |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 7:24 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
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 It‘s him. I vote dump him. Why settle for crumbs? You are a woman who should be honored and adored. Accept nothing less.
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| TearDrop |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 7:32 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 22
Total Posts: 3
Hampton
Virginia
United States
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i scared to leave him sometimes because i do love him. I want him to love me agian. I want to fix my mistakes and I want him to see im not some screw up like he says.
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| shally |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 7:50 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 3
Total Posts: 7440
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Your mistakes? List HIS mistakes.
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| TearDrop |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 8:08 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 22
Total Posts: 3
Hampton
Virginia
United States
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i cant rea;;y list his cause i over look them alot. I dont even pay them any mind really..
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| shally |
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Posted: 6/26/2008 8:26 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
Total Posts: 7440
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Read your first post. But read it as if it‘s your sister, your best friend, a stranger, whomever. Now, what advice would you give?
But remember you can‘t change another person or make them be what you want them to be. You can‘t love them into loving you or treating you different.
You teach people how to treat you.
So, what is your advice?
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| tula1969 |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 10:15 AM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 39
Total Posts: 749
Under an UMBRELLA, England
Wake Island
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| TearDrop wrote: |
| I dont know how to fix us agian please help! |
You can‘t fix something for TWO people, you really can only fix things for yourself.
I wonder why you are so desperate to fix a "relationship" that is so personally harmful to your very own well-being and peace of mind.
I wonder what you think you get out of this relationship that makes you want to fix it?? Big hug to you here but it doesnt sound like its mutually respectful, caring or committed.
JMHO but sometimes we feel so crap about ourselves, for reasons outside of our control that we get lost, really lost and look for the tiniest bit of love and validation going from the scrappiest of places, people and things. I believe thats because we have lost those things from within us on our way down the paths through life and maybe‘s lack the skills to find them again from within and reclaim them back.
Have you friends, family, a counsellor you could speak with?? Someone who can offer you support so that you can learn to value you. There is so much more to life and relationships. You like all of us deserve so much better.
Welcome to the board again, stick around, its a good place to be in times like you have described.
T 
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| TALUTAH |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 10:28 AM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 5
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Total Posts: 223
seaside bay
Montana
United States
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| TearDrop wrote: | |
WE were together off and on for three years. It started out long distance we would see each other time to time. Over the phone the relationship was hard. He would give a little then take alot. He made me feel like i was nworthless alot. But then after his anger settled he would say he was sorry and things would be great between us. Every thing I did was wrong from the way I spoke to the way I laughed.... I mean everything. TO him I was one unperfect ball. Then he would turn around and tell me all these things he liked about me. Alot of times Im not sure if it was my fault or not. I would make a mistake or do something I did not know and this would set him off. He would get soo angry and start making threats to leave me because I didnt know anything. Some of the frases He used alot was Im not on the same page or Im slow or Im not on his level. I tried very hard not to make any mistakes around him but I always seem to mess things up. This made me hate myself. Then there was the issuse of my weight. I dont want to go there cause its still battel. We moved in together last year after I had left him and he begged me back. That lasted two months because I started to relize in person what I had thought all along...he only acts that way to me when he is seeing other women. When he has no other women he treats me good.... Things got bad last year to the point that he getting physical. Agian I kept messing things up and making mistakes. He always says that little mistakes may not be big to other people but they are to him. then I left for two months this time he begged me back agian saying he wanted to marry me. I went back to him. Our happiness lasted only three months this time. He said he was not free because of me that I was making him caged but I always told him he was free to do whatever he wanted? So our relationship ended but he wanted to still keep me around..... so sometimes he would do things to make hope for our relationship to rekindle but then he would only get mad about something and I would mess something up or do something that made him mad and things would get bad all over agian. Now on top of that I was cc=ome to relize I cant leave him and I keep trying and I have become jealous of all the women he talks to. Our friendship is starting to fall apart now and he continues to push me away then pull me close....... Im not sure where I stand is it me? Did break us apart? I dont know how to fix us agian please help!
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Hi Teardrop,
I am at a total loss as to why you young women (18-30) continue to allow a poor excuse of a man to destroy you.Most of these posts are the same."he‘s mean to me, abuses me , is or will be violent, BUT I looovvvveeee! How can I get him to love me back?"
My question is , why on the earth would you even want him in the first place, much less still want to be with him after all his abuse?
Any time a man makes you feel worthless, that is your problem.
When you allow anyone to call you names and insult you , only you can put a stop to it.
Men like that never change! You must get away from this idiot. Let him go, make him go!
He is a cheater and an abuser so why do you want him?
OMG, he sounds horrible.
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH THIS LOSER!
Your life will be miserable, even more than it is now.
NO it is not you, it is all him. Get rid of him so you can start a decent and peaceful life.
T.
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| TALUTAH |
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Posted: 6/27/2008 12:32 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 5
Total Posts: 223
seaside bay
Montana
United States
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PS, make that 34 years old after reading Rarefoxx"s update.
T.
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| lovingme |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 3:37 AM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 41
Total Posts: 20
charlotte
North Carolina
United States
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OMG-OMG-OMG!
I am reading your letter and it is making me cringe! Babygirl-I do not care how much you weigh, he saw it when he met you and he must have been okay with it-because he went THERE!
He is a liar, he is a bully, he is insecure and he is manipulative. He cheats and when they dump him, he runs back to you to build up his self-esteem by putting you down.
Is he your first? Can you get another male. I am sure you can get a better man (can‘t call him a man, male is the best I can do because of his anatomy!)
If you think having a man gives you value-think again. Because if the man you are with de-values you- you are better off alone!
Babygirl, you are young. Go to school, get an education, read a book. Do something to empower yourself, keep you occupied and develop a support system of people like yourself who will encourage you and celebrete you.
If you don‘t demand respect-you may not get it. If you don‘t value yourself-others may not. If you don‘t love yourself-there are some in this world who will destroy your destiny.
God did not make you for that male‘s pleasure. God made you for His pleasure. You were living before that male, you can certainly LIVE after him.
Go get a good book -today, My friend reads a book call the BGC-Big Girls Club. She loves it, and I must admit, I think it inspires her. The women in the book are big, beautiful and fierce. They have relationship drama but they come through with love and togetherness. Be encouraged and love you.
You don‘t have to be confused-make a decision and stick with it. You can live beyond him.
Love Ya,
Ms. Thang!
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| lovingme |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 3:47 AM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 41
Total Posts: 20
charlotte
North Carolina
United States
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PS-Surround yourself with those who celebrate you-not tolerate you. And- babygirl, stop the crying.
I know you may feel pain; but you can overcome that if you focus on something more productive.
Happiness and joy is only a decision away. I will be praying for your strength.
Don‘t let him break you-use what you know to make you stronger. 
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| NJ56 |
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Posted: 6/28/2008 2:47 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 92
Greensboro
North Carolina
United States
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Please go to lovefraud.com and read up on gaslighting. That is what he is doing to you my dear.
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| yasmina |
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Posted: 6/30/2008 3:48 PM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 33
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Copenhagen
Denmark
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| TearDrop wrote: |
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WE were together off and on for three years. It started out long distance we would see each other time to time.
Long Distance made it so much easier for him to test gradually how much abuse you were willing to take.
I tried very hard not to make any mistakes around him but I always seem to mess things up. This made me hate myself.
I believe that you didnt love yourself before you met him-actually this was a prerequisite for the abuse.
he only acts that way to me when he is seeing other women. When he has no other women he treats me good....
you are inches away from reasoning that if you were perfect and "woman enough" then he wouldnt see other women and consequently not abuse you
He always says that little mistakes may not be big to other people but they are to him.
This is because he is a narcissist. He is perfect and deserves perfection. If the sun doesnt shine on his command its considered a personal insult.
He said he was not free because of me that I was making him caged but I always told him he was free to do whatever he wanted?
Again he is testing how far he can push your boundaries. Can he make you give him Carte Blanche til walk all over you?
So our relationship ended but he wanted to still keep me around..... so sometimes he would do things to make hope for our relationship to rekindle but then he would only get mad about something and I would mess something up or do something that made him mad and things would get bad all over agian.
Classic cycle of abuse tension-conflict-honeymoon period
I have become jealous of all the women he talks to.
Of course, you are afraid of losing him, rightfully so-and it feeds his ego that you become jealous
I dont know how to fix us agian please help! I am so sorry and dont know what to say. This was broken to begin with.
Probably, an abuser like him looks for subtle signs early in the relationship to test that you might be a suitable victim. Willing to accept abuse due to his victims low self esteem, need to be accepted, loneliness etc.
He is thriving on this, so I would recommend you to focus on yourself instead of the relationship. Try to work on strengthening your social network and doing something that heightens your selfesteem.
But sweetheart you are 22!! As long that you think you cant leave him, you are going to stay in this rut-wasting your life. And you know it, because you know the answer to your own posted question yourself: Its HIM. Get going.
Best of luck to you, and take care
Yasmina |
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| Ursa |
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Posted: 7/1/2008 10:40 AM |
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Subject: is it me or is it him im soo confused |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 35
Total Posts: 25
Philadelphia
Pennsylvania
United States
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It‘s definitely him. He comes off sounding just like my ex. He‘s so quick to point our all your (imaginary) faults and blame you for everything but it really is all him.
Get him out of your life, he won‘t ever learn or reform but might occasionally do a good impression of it to fool you back in. After you get him out of your life, if not before, start going to some support meetings to help yourself acknowledge and recognize all the signs of abusive men like this so you will have the courage to get out sooner or not get involved at all in the event another guy like this crosses your path in the future. All too often, we overlook the smaller signs and only acknowledge a guy is abusive when we‘re really attached and the abuse has escalated.
Whatever it is, it‘s not love that he has to offer you. You deserve love, not the illusion. It‘s hard to leave, even heartbreaking, but so much better once it‘s done.
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