WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Here I go again.....Need Advice on steps to take

I haven‘t been here in a while; I have been trying diligently to work on my marriage.

History: Married 8 yrs - 2 kids (ages 8&4). Filed for divorce early this year - dropped petition mid-summer hoping we could work it out; Today - know for sure we can‘t.

Physically abusive (him towards me) 3x‘s in the 8yrs.  Last time he smothered me by pinning me down with his hand over my mouth and nose.

I can‘t work it out anymore with him.  I found a sum of money (large) yesterday that he took and spent without letting me know we had it (a repeated theme with him).

I am a SAHM with no money - he controls everything.  I used the last of my "Stashed" money to pay for the last attorney for a divorce we didnt‘ follow through with.

His family is rich.  I live in a state with no family to go to.  My girls are in school. We live in a nice neighborhood where I have friends and so do my kids.

I have no idea how to leave....I am so afraid of living in squallor. So afraid I am going to make it worse for my kids because I can‘t afford to give them what they have (although I have no aversion to working - they just won‘t live in the lifestyle they are used to).  I don‘t even know where to go - he holds the credit cards, the checkbook, everything.

I also am afraid of what will happen once I tell him that this is it - no more trying.  We are in a huge amount of debt and will both come out of this not faring well financially - although me worse.  I think he will snap like he did earlier this year.  I think he will finally "Get" that he is losing everything and he will flip out and not be able to control himself.  I have let a few friends know that I am worried about what he might do to me - once I figure out what/where/when etc.  At least if I come up missing - people will know ahead of time that I suspected he might do something to me.

I don‘t know where to start though - where do I go?  The thought of going to a woman‘s shelter (since I am not abused today - seems wrong) - not to mention my kids - they aren‘t going to understand this at all.  Then the holidays are right around the corner - do I do this right before Christmas?  and - ugh!  I am spinning - can you tell?!

I need help - I don‘t know how to proceed.  I don‘t know where to go.  I don‘t know how to tell him without fear of him snapping or plotting my demise.  I feel like I am in a downward spiral and I‘ve got no way to get out of it.

Please - advice?  Suggestions? 

deedee - thank you for your note - you sound like you know exactly what I am going through.  I have to leave right now to take my kids to a scheduled sports event....but I will be back later and try to get in touch with you in regards to those shelters.  Thank you so much for your help - I look forward to talking with you soon.

Can you not speak with your attorney again and tell him/her about this large sum of money that he‘s spent?  Misappropriating marital assets is a big no-no.

And as far as I know, it‘s his obligation to sustain a lifestyle that you and the children are accustomed to. 

In the meantime, I‘d keep my mouth shut and tell him nothing.

I don‘t have an attorney anymore - the petition for disolution of marriage was withdrawn in August!  So, misappropriation of marital funds is not a big "no-no" in the laws eyes in this case....just in his wifes eyes.

I need to re-retain a lawyer - but spent everything I had on the first one (who I wouldn‘t use again because he was not very good and was consistantly missing or not getting back to me for this reason or that reason - and it was his office so I relied mainly on his secretary for information or answers....which she rarely had.

I won‘t lie either - that is his style, not mine (in regards to going to court and saying he cornered me or wouldn‘t let me out of a room, etc.).

Other than "what" will happen when I tell him,  I am trying to figure out "when" to tell him......the holidays are right around the corner - and I‘m not worried about him - but I am worried about my kids and having it affect them this holiday season; It‘s going to be hard enough on them in the future - I feel like maybe I should wait to say something until the holidays are over(??)

This sucks!  No matter what I do - I am going to hurt my kids - screw my finances - my days of being a SAHM are over - and all because he didn‘t do a damn thing to try!  UGH!!!

Hey Skis,

I‘ve been there & done that & its not easy! I had even considered taking my own life!  Then, I found a church that was closed & the cleaning people let me in.  I cried to GOD with all my heart, fearing for my life & turned everything over to him, because it was to much for me to handle.  1 week later GOD made a way...  My husband went to jail and it gave me time to get out.  He told me where the checkbook was so I told him I would come & get him out... but never did.  I left him in jail, went to the bank the next day and opened my own large account.  When he got out, I was gone and had a restraining order put against him while he was in jail.  I did end up filing a Chapter 7, but the loss far outweighed the relationship I was in.  I‘ve been single and alone every since and am real careful about men these days and always will be.  You can do it to Skis!