WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / Marriage - IM‘ing X-Boyfriend Cheating?

I have been married for six months now, my first time, and I would like to know if YOU would be upset if your husband was instant messaging his x-girl friend, in secret, who he claims horribly used him and cheated on him and would never speak to “her” again.  I am not allowed to speak to my X nor would I ever anyway.  Would that be considered “emotionally cheating” or simply cheating in itself? She even created a separate chat account to sneak. What kills me is the guy is a total dirt bag because he runs a porn site for extra change.

Before you ask, “How do you know she is?  Let’s just say that computers are “my bag baby!” and nothing gets by me. She does not know I am aware of this.  

I’m really beside myself right now. I feel extremely betrayed and hurt and am considering an annulment because she flat out lied to me when I thought she was “the one”.  I’ve never cheated on a girl nor have I ever thought about it and I’m simply crushed.  She doesn‘t sound like she‘s over him and I believe once a cheater, always a cheater.

Thanks.

i think your being taken for a ride..

shes def. got feelings for the guy..

and a sneak is a sneak..

Yes, my wife is sending emails and IM‘s to her X, who runs an adult site.  I tracked his email address down with a whois lookup to find the webhost for his pornsite, it was the same ISP as his email address. I even saw his picture on the front end of another sitehe owns, so bingo.  Not only did he cheat on her he also took thousands of $ from her as well when she was with him.  She spoke very badly of him.  When I asked her several months ago if she ever hear from her X she said, “no, I don’t talk to him anymore and I don’t accept his calls.” I also found another email to a different “friend” were she mentioned she didn’t want me to find out about “what she was” or the previous “lifestyle she’s led”.  That one really made my heart move up into my throat.

If you only knew what I did and do for this girl!  This sucks because part of me fell in love with who she was when me met and now the other part feels like I really don‘t know her!! I believe that a person‘s past is a big part of who they really are. 

I‘m starting to believe that a thorough background check of any potential mate now days is a must! Look at my situation!

I WONDER?? DO YOU THINK THEY COULD BE BLACKMAILING HER?

SEEMS THEY MADE GOOD MONEY OFF OF HER..

it would be typical unsavory behavior and she may be in love with you and afraid at the same time of the people in her past..

Q: how long have you known her total?
A: I knew her for three months solid, spent 6 hours a day together, and we covered every base in conversation, deep conversations. We really connected with each other.   All you can really do is trust someone when they tell you something but that age old philosophy seems in society today. 

Q: When, in the marriage, did you discover these texts from her? Recently? A while ago... halfway through? Does she know that you suspect her?

A: I noticed it was three months ago.  At this point I would say no, she doesn’t suspect.  Believe me, she’d let me know if she did.

I’ve concluded I do not know this girl as well as she portrayed herself.  Like I said, all we can do in life is to trust people when they say something.  It doesn’t matter if you know someone for three months or ten years! If they’re not honest with you how can you ever come to really know them?  Honesty is the key!

Funny you should mention blackmail.  In one of her emails to another past “friend” (who is married) where she mentioned not wanting me to discover her “past life-style” or who “she was” contained a sentence mentioning blackmail.  The guy was accusing her of blackmailing him! Not the other way around.  Money for discretion was mentioned.

As for loving me, it’s strange.  She tells me she loves me with the most sincere voice and face but why the sneaking around?  In the previous post it was mentioned that I might be a “convenient stepping stone” for her.  I’m starting to fear this fact.  I recently discovered she is in financially in trouble due to her past and her boyfriends.

If you havent already, you may consider confronting her with what you know. The longer this goes on the more difficult it will be to deal with the issues. It may be a situation where she is indebted to this ex and she is coddling him to get out of a jam...or she is having mixed feelings, either way, you deserve an answer.

Talk to her, get a sense of why she is doing this...really listen to her, I would hate to have you end a marriage b/c of a misunderstanding...

I am planning on confronting her but she is going to become very defensive, I know it.  I am very good at non-confrontational conversation but who your audience is also plays a large part. She is not indebted to anyone, her X’s took money from her, used her. 

Today was funny because we were watching a talk show at lunchtime and the topic was couples and infidelity.  They were discussing secretly cheating via email and confiding in other men\women etc.. I would comment like, “Man, I can’t believe people do that in a marriage.  Honey, what would you do if I did that?”  She replied with a very serious tone, “I’d smash your balls if you ever did that.” And “I’d kill you.”  As she was saying this all the emails she sent to her X and the chat conversations started popping into my head.  For crying out loud, she sent him her picture again!!

Thanks for listening and the advice.  I think I already knew the answer to my solution but was too afraid to face the truth.  Personally, I don’t see this lasting at all because if it’s like this now, imagine 5 years from now.  No thank you.

Well dude you got two choices, you can continue to be a AFC (average frustrated chump) or you can step up to the plate and take control of the situation. I was in a similar predicament (see my posts) and I had to decide either to leave the lying bitch or start treating her differently.

Your being taken advantage off right, you let it happen...I know I did. Shes possibly cheating on you...you let it happen, start banging her on a regular basis and make her your love slave...there won‘t be anything left for the boyfriend. If she persists after you confront her with what you know then boot her out and either she comes back or she doesn‘t...simple as that.

See the problem is she doesn‘t respect you and your the chump, take control of the situation like a "man" or let her go...sounds like she is the type that needs lots of control. As for her past, you can either utilize it in your love making and screw her like the dirty little girl she is or you can be jealous and timid which I can guarantee will turn her off for good.

You can hate her and may even despise what she is doing or has done but in the end you either take control of her and love her like a woman in heat or you get bitter and break it up only to repeat the behaviour you have grown accustomed too with another woman. Just remember, no more chump...she either starts obeying the vows she took or she gets out. Simple decision really.

No more mister nice guy, trust me it works. Just be prepared to forgive and play the new role as her lover and master, I‘m willing to bet she just might love the new you...Stud!

Sorry if it sounds harsh but I learned the hard way, I did exactly what I described above and my marriage is stronger now then it was. Not to mention I am ploughing her field at least once a day...sometimes two. The key is dominance, she is either the dominant one in the relationship or you are...its nature baby. My guess is your wife was dominated before in her past relationships and now she hooked up with you "the nice guy" and she misses her old role as submissive...hence the old boyfriend who knows her well.

Your already the one she loves, now get in there and make sure your the only one she loves...only you can.

what?? is this the same dr. chazz as last month>> ..:):)

way to go doc...

but remember... NO BABIES!!! and if she gets pregnant get the test...

lack of trust is an understatement here...

Yes its me, life has changed for me...just took some re-education to straighten out my life. Heres a link that you may be interested in.

www.fastseduction.com/

...can‘t say I agree with some of the "dating" methods listed on that site but it sure opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong in my relationship. I was a classic AFC, down to the first rejection by a female early in life...cliche even. I even used to think the character Hawkeye in the TV show MASH was "noble" LMAO!

We should build of list of movies and TV show characters that encourage men to be AFC‘s...might be fun. :)

Hello Askme....

  Im a little late comming to your post, and I havent even read what the others have posted. Its possible that I will be giving the same advice as some one else.

  I hate to see a brand new marriage end over something so stupid!  depending on the content of the instant messaging...Which I dont know...would be a good basis for anullment. I mean, is it just chit chat, innocent? Or is it sexual flirty enduendos?

   People now a days disregard marriages and dont take them seriously. If you love some one so much, you marry them...its a life long promise! It pisses me off to see and hear people throwing thier marriages away over stupid reasons and live thier lives based on a fallacy.

  Good luck to you askme. There are women at here in the world that are good ones. dont let one woman spoil it all for you.

Ginia

Ginia,

If you read the previous posts you would know it‘s nothing trivial.  When we gave our vows I recall both of us saying, "Forsake all others", especially old flames.  Let’s just say I found her contacting three of her X’s and the content of the emails was anything but "just friends".  

My apologies askme .

Im so sorry to hear that. Its a real damn shame that nice men like you are treated like this. You certainly do not deserve it. Have you talked to her yet about this? What is your issues with trust now that you have found out the truth?

(((big hugs)))!

Freakadistic,

No, I have not confronted her yet because her birthday was coming up shortly and now it’s time for Christmas.  I didn’t want to upset her or put her in a bad mood for her birthday or the holidays.  I did type out a two page letter with some terms that I want her to meet such as I want both of us to have all the user names and passwords to both our emails accounts.  I believe a couple should have no secrets on the internet. If she disagrees with this then she is definitely hiding something an feeling guilt.  My letter could be the real “marriage bomb” when I present it.  It will either explode and she’ll leave or she will realize what she has and agree. 

Miss Luvly1,

Thank you for your advice on my situation.  I had suspected she might have been a porn actress but I doubt that now.  I believe her X is involved with payment processing of porn sites.   My wife is very close with her relatives so the odds of her actually being in a porn movie would probably be slim.  In fact I think she’d be mortified if her relatives ever discovered she actually did that.   She was however in film but not porn.  I believe she is not the porn type of person.  I’m starting to think she’s more of the manipulative/gold-digging type.  The part the upsets me is her contacting numerous X boyfriends behind my back.  Sorry if I seem old fashion but I think she needs to let go of her past and respect her marriage and husband. If I were to do what she’s doing I’d be history.

As I mentioned in the above paragraph, I’m going to present my terms after Christmas and see what happens.  As usual, they will be presented in a civilized and respectful way.   On a funny note, we  visited my Mother and my Mother just lovers her.  In fact, when I was getting in the car she said to me, “she’s a good wife, treat her well.”  I looked at my Mother in shock and said “Of course I’m good to her, you raised me!”  I actually treat my wife like a queen but don’t receive the same treatment so that hurt me when my Mother said that.  I thought, “Wow, if only you knew the situation, you’d kill her!” But I kept my mouth shut and just got in the car. Anyway, I’ll let everyone know what happens when I confront her.