WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / I can‘t get over her

I am a 51 year old man that has been married for 26 years.

During this whole time, I have not been able to get over my first love of when I was 23 years old.

I think about this woman every day. We only dated for four months and the last two, I could tell it would not last.

She did not like the insecurities I was stupid enough to allow her to see. In the beginning, she came after me, but over time, she discovered that I was not what she wanted.

Initially she wanted to fix me dinner and stay over at her apartment, to meet her mother and friends.

I have always been able to attract women, as I am an attractive man but have trouble socially and I am awkward around women.

Women want a totally secure man and I was not, especially at 23.

She told me she did not want to be with an insecure man and that I needed a new job because I was not a professional like her friends boyfriend. I was a blue collar guy at one of the local mines at that time he worked in a bank.

After she called it off, it was like a switch went off and she decided I was to be no longer in her life what so ever.

I was crushed, my world ended right then and there. I called her crying and she told me to be a man and that I had problems. I left her nasty notes, and would call again pleading with her to talk to me, but she wanted nothing to do with me.

Less than a year later, she was married and has been for almost 30 years.

Since that time, I have asked people that work where she does about her.

Since that time, I worked hard and got a really good professional position making alot of money, I have a nice home, harley and I am debt free.

Still thinking about her, I thought, I turned out to be what she had said she wanted.

Recently I had the opportunity to talk to a good friend of someone that works closely with her and asked if we could all go out to lunch, the above things all happened almost 30 years ago.

The woman talked with her and asked her about me and she said I was "sort of a stalker" and wants nothing to do with me. This crushed me all over again to think that she thinks these things after all this time.

Could I get a woman‘s perspective as to why she suddenly decided to toss me out of her life and never want to see me again?

How does this happen that a woman acts interested for a while, you end up in bed numerous times and she decides she never wants to see you again?

I don‘t see how these things happen and I don‘t know why I am obsessed by this woman. I have never been in love before or since and at 51, I guess I will never feel that way again.

Wow  you have been married that long to a woman you have never loved? 

I feel sorry for your wife,  you have wasted her life!!  A woman needs to be loved, she needs to be cherished!

I honestly feel you only think about this other woman because you have something to prove to her,  you have to prove that she was wrong about you.  you have to prove that you are the man that she wanted.  I honestly feel that if she wanted you,  you wouldn‘t have no interest in her at all.

Quit worrying about her and start being a better man and better husband!

She tossed you because she wanted what her friends had, a bf with a "career".  She wanted prestige and money, and probably used your insecurity as an excuse. 

But she did say you had insecurities....well hells bells, she gave you reason.  And a year later she married.  What does that tell you?  that it didn‘t matter much who she married as long as they had the right job.

having said that, why have you been disrespecting your wife of 20+ years by pining away for a gold digger?  You should be happy that your wife was the one that wanted you, and that the superficial one that dumped you is some other poor unsuspecting sap‘s problem.

do your wife a favor.  put your thoughts and efforts into her.  She is the one that took a chance on you and stood by you unconditionally.  and quit worrying about why the girl dumped you when you were 23.  The issues were hers, not yours. 

You dodged a bullet when she dumped you.  Take comfort in that and in your wife.

"A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her."

"The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married."

"The husbands of very beautiful women usually belong to the criminal classes."

All these quotations are by Oscar Wilde.

Thanks for the input.

Perhaps I should not have said I do not love my wife, but it has never been like the euphoria I felt with the woman spoken about before.

I can‘t explain it, but there was just something about her, I wanted to be with her the rest of my life.

The feeling was unlike I had ever felt before or since.

It is not like I wanted my life to be like it is, or planned to hurt anyone, or be unfair to anyone, but how does anyone explain love?

It is an unexplainable thing, it sounds like some are suggesting that since I was not in love exactly the same or beyond how I felt with the first woman, that I have been terribly cruel to me wife. If that is so, why has she stayed with me all these years?

She is a prefessional and could leave me if she wanted to, she doesn‘t need my finacial support.

Everything we own is paid for, we have no children, there is nothing to keep here here if she did not want to be.

My wife is a wonderful person and I know she deserves better than me.

What makes me think the first woman wanted to get married, but just not to me, was that the guy she married was not a professional man either. I honestly believe that if I had been more of a man and less needy, things would have been different.

Hi, Im going to to be quite harsh here but its the only way I can say this.

Your ex dumped you because she just didnt get you. She wasnt really into you and who knows why- you could spend a lifetime obsessing and still not know. Everyone has ex‘s like this- its a fact of life, they make you what you are.

What you feel for your ex is not real love its an escape from real life. Theres no way you can feel real love in 4 months because real love isnt the stuff of fairy tales or lust or whirlwind romances its the stuff of day to day real life- all the crap like washing up dirty undies or cleaning up and cooking for your partner, sacrifing things you want for your partner, sticking with your patner in the long run. Real love is the stuff that keeps people together for years not for months.

Reality is your ex was never going to do these things for you because she didnt love you but your wife does and this is why she has stuck with you for this long. You need to get a grip and stop thinking what if and looking towards the past like an escape from reality, or like a dream that was never going to come true, what your feeling for your ex is not love its escapism maybe perhaps your marriage isnt exactly what you want it to be so you think your ex would have been a bettter option but it didnt happen and if your ex had stayed with you i bet your life wouldnt have been half as good as it has been with your wife because your ex would never have cared as much about your happiness- and you know that. Maybe you should stop trying to escape by dreaming of what if and start investing in your future, if your marriage isnt exactly what you want it to be then why not try and change it?

I think the past often seems exciting especially when its the first few heady months into a relationship but long term love can get stale if you let it.

I think the words mid life crisis need to be thought about here?

An excellent idea!

But, if you don‘t think you can "get motivated enough to do something like that," then you can continue on like you are.

Get off your ass & DO something with your wife, before she gets fed up & leaves.

Good luck,

UB

Man UP!!

Or let her have a life with a man that loves her and treats her like gold!

You should love and cherish her, you should respect her.

You are really pissing me off.

You are wasting her life. 

I agree.

He is sitting here obsessing over a materialistic woman, and disrespecting a woman that married him for who he is and not what his career or income is.

He struck gold with his wife, but it isn‘t good enough for him.  There are many men out there that would love to have a wife that would take a chance on you no matter how much money you made at the start.

Tell you what wilson, tell your wife exactly how you feel and that you pine for a woman that wanted you only if you had money.

Then hopefully you‘ll come home to an empty house one day.

you are getting some good feedback here.

Hell, the holiday idea is EXCELLENT advise!!!!!!!!!!

does your wife know you are not that into her?

How does your wife feel about you? Does she know she is living in this womans shadow?

Mr. male member, I did not ask for your opinion, I came here to talk to the women, so butt out.

Go insult someone else.

Perhaps you ladies are correct, maybe I should move on.