WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / How to end this

My common-law wife and I met about 11 or 12 years ago. She‘s bipolar, and the first couple of years were, to say the least, very bumpy. There‘s a whole saga to that era, including hospitalization, her having an affair, a breakup ... I don‘t want to get into that too much but that era was, in my mind, almost a different relationship with someone else.

The new relationship - this past decade - began after that affair. I had come to accept she was gone and moved on, found a new place - and one day she shows up at my door, this guy had got his mom (!!) to dump her and all her stuff on my doorstep, in tears, nowhere else to go. Against better judgement I let her stay as a roommate on the condition that we‘d both be single while we were under the same roof. Well of course, we started sleeping together again and there was this commitment already in place, things just kind of evolved into a relationship.

Somehow, her condition stabilized alot after that, and that‘s why I say before and after was almost like two different people, two different relationships. In the last decade she‘s had her head on very straight, really got her life together. Can‘t say the same for myself, though. No crises or alcohol or drugs or anything, I just haven‘t really been doing anything with my life. She never seemed too worried about that, though. I suppose I do have a few redeeming qualities - I am certainly very loyal, and patient, and forgiving.

Her father passed away about a year ago, suddenly and without warning. Things somehow changed after that. I started to get my act together - to be stronger for her. Financially things started to get better (relatively speaking!). But at the same time, something was wrong. A distance grew between us, and it wasn‘t entirely her. I‘d been distant too and a gloom had fallen over our home. Sex became very very rare. One or the other of us would want to on occasion, but rare was the time when we both wanted to. I chalked all this up to the death of her fathe. But, as things started to deepen and get worse rather than better, I knew there was more to it than that, just didn‘t know what.

Recently she started dropping hints about *something* though she was having alot of difficulty actually saying what it was. She was very upset by it. From the terms she was using, I figured, either she‘s leaving me or she‘s having an affair with another man. Frankly this wasn‘t too surprised, all things taken into consideration. Upsetting but not entirely unexpected. I couldn‘t bring myself to ask her right away. I wanted to brace myself, in case there was someone else. So I pulled away entirely, deliberately. I figured she probably wouldn‘t even notice, the way things had been going. That was an underestimation, I quickly realized that despite the way things had been going, my new choice of behaviour was difficult to conceal. Things came to a head quickly. I was confronted.

So, I spilled the beans - told her what I feared and what I expected this problem that she wanted to talk about was, and said I was bracing myself for it, protecting myself emotionally. I was, by this time, fairly prepared for such the revelation of an affair, the worst case scenario that had crossed my mind. I‘d already been making plans for the easiest way to make new living arrangements and financially ease the transition. So, when she started crying and building up to the revelation, I thought I was well capable to be as steady as one can be in such a situation. Prepared.

So, I was just blown away when she came out with "I think I‘m gay."

At first, disorientation. Vertigo. Then a rush of some strange relief when she grabbed me tight, and started talking about it, claiming she wasn‘t attracted to and hadn‘t seen anyone. I hadn‘t been betrayed, I hadn‘t been outdone by some other guy (or ... girl ... in this case). She didn‘t want to leave, she said. She wasn‘t sure she was gay - she‘d been having some persistant fantasies, and only recently. 

Concern began to overshadow relief at that point. Concern for her and concern for myself. At this point, she‘d been crying for about an hour and she was exhausted. I‘d held it together pretty good, superficially speaking. I was utterly stunned; I needed time. So I said that we didn‘t need to deal with it all right away. I said, "Let‘s have some cake. And tea. There‘s a good movie on. We‘re not going to ignore this, but for today, let‘s let it rest." I wasn‘t angry with her. I know alot of people feel angry when this happens, but I haven‘t felt that. Definately hurt and scared, but not angry.

About an hour after that she was ... alive. And ecstatic. When she laughed, her face lit up like I‘ve never seen before. This, too, was confusing. Unexpected. I felt sombre. I felt like a snail, wanting to curl up in its shell. I didn‘t, don‘t understand this.

The first week after it was like she‘d come alive again. She‘s like she was, 2-3 years ago, before her father passed. The issue hasn‘t come up again, except for once. A few nights after I was up late after she‘d gone to sleep. I was thinking about things, I broke down and started sobbing, because I‘d come to the conclusion that the problem was insurmountable. She heard me, got up and came to comfort me. She said, "Forget about all that. I was just crazy." I said, "You‘re not crazy." She said, "Yes, I was" and she begged me not to bring it up again or get upset about it. But ... on the other hand ... there hasn‘t been any intimacy, which I find telling.

I don‘t want to get hurt again. And I don‘t know if I‘m just a safe harbour for now while she explores herself, which is not a role I intend to play. I‘ll never be able to be 100% sure, and that kind of poses a problem. Not to mention that, if and when we are ever intimate again, in the back of my mind I‘ll be thinking ... "does she think I‘m disgusting because I‘m male? Is she just doing this to keep me happy?" and I‘m pretty certain that I won‘t be able to perform under those conditions. 

I have terrible regrets about this but the more time goes on, the more confirmed I am in thinking that this just isn‘t going to work. But her father died a short while ago, she‘s under intense pressure in her second year at college taking medlab science (just barely passing), she‘s grappling with this identity thing (maybe, or it could just have been passing fantasies), none of which is any of her fault. And to top it all off, I still love her and it hurts like hell to think about ending things. But she won‘t communicate and I‘m at a complete loss about what else to do. She says it was nothing, she just wants to go back to the way things used to be, and if I continue to dwell on it, it‘ll ruin things. But it‘s not so easy!

So ... can anyone think of a way to fix this? I figured I might get more of an inside scoop asking here. Do straight women ever have these fantasies or question their sexuality? If not ... what‘s the most fair way to proceed? Split now ... or wait til she‘s done college in a few months?

Edgewaters:  My heart goes out to you.  You must really love this woman.  I can‘t imagine how you have coped with this for so long.

I think you need to end this relationship.  Her behavior is crazy-making, confusing, inconsistent, and hurtful.  It‘s one thing to cope with Bi/Polar Disorder (my hat goes off to you on that one), but it‘s worse to deal with the lack of intimacy, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop - anticipating what "bomb" she is going to drop next.  It sounds awful for you.

Very few men would have forgiven her affairs.  Very few men would have allowed her to come back after everything she put you through before.

Now - dumping the "gay" bomb on you!

Yeah - she brightened up after her "confession" because she felt relieved, and you didn‘t end up going ballistic.  Glad to know she feels better, but what about you?

Personally, I have never known ANYONE to say "I think I‘m gay" who wasn‘t! 

And no - all straight women do not fantasize about other women.  And no amount of deaths in the family, going to school or work-related stress makes anyone "turn" gay.

The fact that she is not having sex with you is a huge red flag!

She may love you like a brother, a teddy bear, or a very best friend, but she is not treating you with the love and respect and devotion that you deserve.

She‘s breaking your heart.  Kick her to the curb.  Let her do "crazy" somewhere else

I completely agree with Rhiannon‘s advice.

Your SO‘s having fun at your expense.  She knows you will be there for her, and so she takes advantage of that.  With her I believe it‘s a game to see how far she can push you.

I don‘t believe she suddenly "turned gay".  I think she is warped and crazy. At this point who cares? If you would like to enjoy a normal life, you need to get this woman out of your life.

She likes to hurt.  This may be the reason that the exboyfriend‘s mother dropped her off at your door.  Do you got a Mom willing to do that? 

AMEN!!!  You are worth more than this and deserve a partnership. Not someone on a rollercoaster that uses you when they need you.

For her being upset/miserable/crazy she can have you taking care of her and get all the attention she needs.

Have you thought about what your life would be like if you moved on?

You can‘t "fix" what you haven‘t broken...

You have been through hell and deserve better from life and from relationships.

Gee, bubble, I‘m surprised that you didn‘t just recommend he take her back and go to counselling to find out what‘s wrong with him as you most often do and would to cuckolded men.

Edgewaters, this topic is for you.

MEN WITH NO BALLS MAKE ME PUKE
http://www.womansavers.com/forum-for-women/mens-area/76/23014.html

Have you thought about what your life would be like if you moved on?

Oh yes ... lots ... and things are probably going to be alot better. Very difficult financially at first, which is why I‘m still here for the time being. But I‘d have no trouble at all once I got on my feet again. 

The problem isn‘t really should I leave (that‘s a given - I‘ve got some faint small hope, but I know its absurd), and I don‘t need to build her up to be some evil monster to leave (you‘re only getting one side of the story here - I‘m flawed too). The main problem is just how to do it without all the hate and fear. I‘ve never had to leave anyone before.

Drew....are you the type of person who would rather make a fool of themselves than be ignored? Did mummy ignore baby drew???

You are quite sad..again and again I‘ve asked you to show me where I‘ve recommended counselling above divorce?

My brother is divorced, my sister is divorced, I‘m in a relationship but will never get married because I don‘t believe in it...Divorce makes sense in some cases, counselling makes sense in some cases...to each his own. As a counsellor it would be completely and whole-heartedly unethical to "recommend" counselling to anyone...read the code of ethics of the IACP which is the organisation I am accredited with on www.iacp.ie this job pays my mortgage and puts food on my table...I simply could not do my job properly if I believed counselling "fixed" broken marriages. Perhaps though, as you appear to be proving time after time you‘re just not intelligent enough to understand that.

You also appear to be bitter because I keep getting the better of you. How old are you Drew? Perhaps you are just a teen, if thats the case, I apologise, you are obviously just finding your way in the world and are still trying to show you are a grown up. The trick to that is, the more you try to prove yourself to be intelligent and mature, the less you‘ll actually appear intelligent and mature, just relax, try to be yourself, nobody here is competing with you.

BC.

Staying isn‘t doing either of you any good. She needs to get better on her own, and you need to get better on your own...relationships are supposed to allow people to grow within them, they are supposed to allow people to be happy, to give support, your relationship doesn‘t appear to be giving any of those things to either of you.

You make alot of assumptions. I didn‘t really want to hear that part of your internal dialogue ... it‘s none of your business what it is (and I‘m sure no one else wants to hear the details) but that‘s not it.

As far as reconcialiation ... it happens ... you‘re 25, just a kid, and still at the stage where you‘re basically just  shopping around. You wouldn‘t reconcile because you‘ve got all the time in the world to keep shopping. And so do your partners (and, quite frankly, more power to whoever did).