WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / My wife has gotten very distant, and refuses to acnowlege there is a problem

Im at my wits end. Im not even sure where to start. Damn! She wont touch me, hug me, or kiss me on her own. SHe wont initiate anything. We‘ve only had sex twice in the last 3 months. When I ask her whats wrong she says "nothing". When I ask why she wont touch me, she gets angry, and says, " you are imagining it". She refuses to discuss it at all. Ive suggested we see a councelor again. She refuses. She says it never does any good anyway.

Ive been married 18 years. We have 3 kids between 8 years old, and 17.

We‘ve had our problems over the years. I used to be a controlling ass. About 5 years ago I decided to see a councelor to find out why I was so angry at my wife, and kids all the time. I didnt want to be that kind of husband or father. I learned that I had control issues, and when they didnt do what I thguoht they should be doing I got pissed. I spanked my kids when they were younger, but I never beat them. I never touched my wife in anger. Since the couceling, our marriage has been great. We had sex a few times a week for the last few years. Weekend mornings we sat at the kitchen table for mornign coffe, and talked about our week. We talked about friends, coworkers, each other, the kids. We held hands. We laughed, and joked together. We had a blast! I thought so anyway.

I dont drink. Well I cant say that. Ive had 6 beers this year. I dont use any drugs. I do work a lot. I own a business that Im at 50+ hours a week, I help my dad farm. We raise all of our beef, and pork. I garden and can, and I own a maple syrup business.  I enjoy my wife, and kids, and I take time to spend with her when ever she isnt in college, or at work. I have my kids with me anytime Im in the barn, or the garden, or making maple syrup. We talk about school, friends, right and wrong, and we joke, and laugh together. Right now Im building a pole barn for the maple syrup, and I have the kids out there wiht me all the time. I cook for them, help them wiht baths, and home work. I have them help me wash dishes, and do some house cleaning so my wife doesnt have so much to do because she is trying to get a nursing degree, AND she works 4 days a week.

We have very different leisure wants. She likes to go to social events. Festivals, parades, stuff like that. I want to build the farm, get out of debt, and retire so we can do these things later. We used to argue about it all the time. I think she has just given up.

I dont think she is cheating. Her scedual is very consisitant. Ive only seen a few things over the years that gave me pause. SHe works at the hospital. She works afternoons. She normally get home at 11:20 pm. A weekago she got home at 2 am. SHe said she had drinks with the girls after work. She has done that a couple times a year for ever. I have heard her coworkers talk about it.

Around the first of june our youngest got sick, and was in and out of the hospital for a month. THe kids has recovered, and is fine. I understadn that that can stress her out, and she might not was much, if any sex for a while, but damn, its been 3 months. When is she gonna get back to normal?

Im sick and tired of this "no physical contact" bull****, and Im frustrated that she refuses to discuss it, or acnowlege that there is a problem.

I hoped that you women might have some ideas about what our problem might be.

i never been married yet so i can only read what you say. alot of times you mentioned that the amount of sex was a problem and she says there is nothing wrong.

you are working over 50 hours a week and she is working 4 days a weeks and going to nursing school. then there are the children

you said too that both of you have different interests.

one thing that maybe you could think about is starting to do things with her that are things she is interested in and asking her to join you in some things that you are interested in.

its like kind of getting back to the relationship first. i hope this helps

Welcome Mich

How old is your wife?  I see you show 40,  don‘t laugh but a few months before I turned 40 I went in to a deep depression.  That I came out of when I realized  who really cares I am only a day older then yesterday. 

Keep trying to talk to her,  maybe she is going thru something emotional,  Watch for signs of cheating.  just in case,  normally if they are cheating and you look for the signs  you will see them right away.  (txts, emails, phone calls,  trips to the store that last longer then normal) 

Good luck and don‘t give up.

My wife is 37.

My first instict is that she is just exhausted, but she wont discuss it. I dunno, mabey she is to tired to realise there is a problem.

I‘ve look at her email. SHe has me change her email filters once in a while. I dont see any suspiciouse emails, but she could have a secret one too. We work opposite shifts so she has lots of time to do, or talk to whoever without me ever knowing it.

I really dont think she is cheating. If she is, she is smart about it. There are no suspicious phone calls, or recipts in the house, or in her car, or anythy thing I can see other than coming home late a couple times a year. Most of the time Im in bed by 9 so I wouldnt know if she came home at 2 am every day. I was just up that one night because I wanted to see her.

I agree it doesn‘t sound like an affair.

You can always look at the history on the computer and see maybe if she is opening a different email account.  like if she uses yahoo and now there is gmail.

I can see  how she would be exasted,  with work, school and kids.  But she needs to learn not to push you aside.  Talk to her. 

about the time I posted this she started warming up to me a little. I havent pushed her to talk because she gets pretty irritated pretty quick.

She has said over the years that when we do talk about what is bothering us that after a few weeks I just go right back to doing what bothered her in the first place.

Today we talked on the phone while she was on her way to college. She mentioned how she cant focus on her school work, and how she forgets how to do daily mudane tasks. I have been having the same problems. We are both working almost 100 hours a week between employment, her college, me farming, and both of us caring for the kids. I carefully talked about that. I suggested to her that we are both having symptoms of exhaustion.I asked her if she thought, now that she uunderstands how being tired can cause forgetfullness, that it would help our relationship if we gave each other occasional reminders of our wants, and things that irritate us.

She agreed.

We got along pretty good over the weekend. Had sex 3 times. She didnt come up to me to kiss, or hug me at all, but she was smiley, and we joked, and laughed together a little while I helped her wiht her homework.   

I hate asking for sex, but if I didnt ask last ngiht we wouldnt have had any. She wasnt interested. when I asked she said, " Im sure you could change my mind".  I dont expect her to do anything she doesnt want to. I hate it when she says that. I want her to want sex, not just wait for me to get her going. I like foreplay, I just hate to always be the one initiating it.

Some women think (old school) that it is a mans job to initiate sex. 

I don‘t know if she feels that way or not.  I sure don‘t!

Sometimes we forget about the gifts in our life because we are so busy living life.  

Make sure and let her know that she is loved,  tell her she is beautiful, or she looks nice that day.  Appreciate her for what she does,  or tell her she is a good mother and wife.

Sometimes I beat myself up  because I can‘t do more for my kids or my guy,  when all along  they appreciate what I do do for them and don‘t want or expect more.

Good luck to you,  and working that many hours isn‘t good for either of you.  you have to enjoy life!

Any time she cooks, or cleans I thank her. I tell her she looks nice. I tell her I love her.

My parents dont like her. They say she is very selfish. I dont take their side because they are biased. I defend her most of the time, and Ive asked them to not harrass her. I tell them that she is working as hard as she can, and what she does is none of their business.

Im sure as hell not perfect. Im sure somethings I do would irritate anyone, but I try to be as considerate, and respectfull to her as possible. My mind is so full that I forget things, but I dont do anything on purpose to upset her.

I am really tired of her unreasonable anger week after week, year after year. She refuses counseling, and on the rare occasion that I can get her to discuss anything, all she does it complain about me, and blame me for everything that isnt just the way she wants it.

I‘ve had just about enough of her. Im thinking about seperation.

We are pretty low income. The only way we can get ahead at all is by working lots of hours. The nursing dgree will protect her future, and Im hoping the maple syrup will take care of mine.

Start treating her the same as she does you, see how she likes it. What ever your doing now isn‘t working so if it were me I‘d do her the same as she is doing you. If she says she don‘t like it then tell her niether have you for years!  I wish you best of luck and hope everything works out for your family.

I have been following this thread and I am going to have to go with Talutah on this.  She asks questions that have been going through my mind.

You went from a good weekend to thinking about a separation.  I was going to suggest “date nights” just the two of you, no kids, but never mind.  Maybe it is time for a separation.

Ditto on what Taluta said. 

How can you go from having sex 3 times in a weekend to wanting a separation?  And stop the bad talk about your wife!

What are you doing? Lining up jurrors for your impending divorce that you are planning?  That‘s what it sounds like.  Then you know that your parents will at least side with you.

She‘s not cheating.  She‘s working hard and you won‘t spend the time to do any of the social type dates that she likes.  Instead you think you are entertaining her with the syrup business.

 Women sometimes see ahead beyond where a man can grasp.  There may not BE A TIME when you will be able to do these things together.  One of you may get ill, be too old etc. Both of you need to cut down the hours, work smarter...not longer hours.

 I think she‘s flat out tired of you talking about her behind her back while you refuse to acknowledge that she is a person with likes and dislikes as well.  That would put a damper on anyones sex drive.

Your parents think she is selfish because you put that idea in their head about her.  It‘s time for you to acknowledge that you have purposely created a rift between them and her.

Shame on you!

She hates it when I talk to anyone, specially my parents, about what is going on between us. If she refuses to discuss anything with me what am I suppose to do? Do I just get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, and wait around for her for months at a time like a puppy waiting for her to toss me a scrap now and then?

It has occurred to me a few times over the years that mabey I am unable to understand how to have a healthy relationship with a woman. Mabey Im just to ****ed up.  Mabey the best thing I can do for her is to let her go find a better man. I just dont know

Someone asked what I want. I see how other couples live. They work for money to spend together on leisure. I dont want to spend my money on leisure. I want to live frugally, spend our money getting out of debt, THEN do leisure things, and I want a woman who wants to do the same.   

This idea of seperating didnt just come up over the weekend. We have discusses it a few times over the years. I brought it up because she seems so unhappy.  

After I took that anger management counceling, I had the idea that If I stopped being so controlling, let her do what she wanted by herself, and I did what I wanted by myself, then we could spend some time doing something together, but that hasnt worked. We cant find anything we both want to do together that doesnt cost money. She hates sitting in the house, weather its playing board games with me and the kids, or just watching tv, and working around the farm with me and the kids doesnt feel like family time to her either. I love laboring together. We joke, and laugh together. We talk about the work week. We talk with the kids about school, and all our futures. I have a blast! Evidently she doesnt.

Someone said I sound like a mamas boy. I dont know what that means. I dont know what a mamas boy is.

Have you asked her what will make her happy?

It really sounds like you two aren‘t talking about the important stuff.

The bit about your parents is just wrong! 

I don‘t agree with everything that my Daughter in law does,  but I also don‘t give my opinion unless it is asked for.  When I do give my opinion I try and do it in a positive way.  I would never degrade her.  They should respect and love her because their son does. 

Do not discuss anything negative with your parents,  they will always pick your side.

I‘ll stop discussing my wife with my parents.

Im gonna see a councelor to figure out why I have such conflict about spending leisure time with her.

I invited her to spend a weekend at a motel wiht a pool, and just hang out away from the farm.

Or...if you want a woman‘s advice on something really romantic...here goes!  You would end up spending the same amount of money as the hotel with the pool...although I think that would be good for you too.

Instruct her to wear nylons and bring dress shoes.  Take her out early to the mall and have her buy a dress to wear out on the town.  Let her try on as many as she likes.  Have her model them for you.  Then buy the one she likes and have her wear it out on the town.  If you own a suit...you should wear it. And bring a rose.

No one has ever done this for me, but I have a friend who‘s husband does.  They are not rich by any means, but their marriage is wonderful and they are rich in that way.

I have.

She says It doesnt do any good to tell me anything