WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / wife

So your point has changed again?

This was your original "point"

You, her and other women fit the profile I have described and talked about. Double standards. Cheating is always the man‘s fault - which is why husbands shouldn‘t seek divorce lawyers but rather counselling (if it wasn‘t their fault, they wouldn‘t go to counselling - they certainly shouldn‘t go to hear her bull**** ‘you didn‘t show me enough love‘) whereas women are encouraged to get divorces and get money as payback for being cheated upon.

I‘ve consistently asked you time and time again to prove that point by finding some evidence here of me saying (a) that cheating is always the mans fault and (b) that husbands shouldn‘t seek divorce but rather counselling.

You‘ve consistently dodged this because you can‘t find any evedience of me doing this...because quite simply I don‘t think that cheating is always the mans fault and I don‘t think that counselling is preferable to divorce in all cases...

Hush up until you can prove it...or apologise for generalising about the women on this site...sh*t or get off the pot.

I have a problem in that I have confronted my wife about my belief that she was having an affair with the husband of a couple with whom we are friends.

I had plenty of circumstantial type evidence but could really prove it so basically while I couldn’t get her to admit it , she did promise to be open and honest from now on.

She did eh?  Wonder if its because she almost got caught and she is doing damage control saying she will be an open book.

If so, she will be that open book and will just be careful in covering her tracks if she is having an affair.

And go with your gut.  If its telling you she is cheating, more than likely she is.

I should have listened to my gut, but like a fool, I also wanted "proof"

There has been an upward lift in her general mood which was previously very argumentative and she has become more affentionate than she was. In return I agreed to try and trust so I don’t go near her emails, phone etc anymore.

I‘d say she was cheating, almost got caught, basically got away with it, probably ended the affair and a world of weight is lifted off her shoulders now. 

My question if anyone has an opinion that, leaving aside cheating on me she is betraying a friend (her lovers wife) and that is something I just didn’t think she was capable of. If you do something like this does the guilt just build up inside you?

cheaters don‘t have a soul, so no.

My wife is aware I have copies of emails between where is asking him to call her , copies of her phone records showing she texted ( messaged ) him over 100 times in an 8 week period and she would no doubt have told him I had these

ok, stop right there.  that is ALL the proof you need.  There is no reason she needs to email him to ask him to call her...hell, there is no reason why they need to be secretly calling behind you and his wife‘s back.  And no reason WHATSOEVER that they need to text each other that many times.

Oh ya.....SHE IS CHEATING!

In that case is he more likely to walk away from the entanglement because the “heat is on “ or just continue on . I would walk away because I would be too scared of me being pushed to the point where I showed what I have to his wife . But I am not him so he may not think that way

I think you need to show him hard copies of the emails and texts and ask him, "give me one good reason why I shouldn‘t make a lunch date with your wife and show her all this"

See what his response is.  If he thinks nothing TRULY was going on between your wife and him, he‘d tell you to go ahead and show her.

Or hell, just make a lunch date with his wife and show her and see what she thinks.  Your wife and this guy are BOTH playing you and his wife for fools.

So drop the bomb.  And if your wife gets mad, then obviously its because they had something to hide.  If the emails and texts are innocent, then there should be no problem, right?

music??  you back?  LMWS let you back in??

If so, WELCOME BACK!!!

See what I mean? Divorce is never an option for cuckolded men in the minds of so many women.

now take it easy on him.  its painful and clouds the mind.  we don‘t think clearly when we just found out our wives are unfaithful butt munches.

we do need to try to slap him upside the head with the truth and get him to see that if he stays with her, she WILL do this again, and he WILL be the victim of a cheater again.

No MTB  that wasn‘t the original Musiclover.  LMWS banned her,  yet she let some of the others that were in the same fight stay.  Makes no sense to me!

Don‘t I know it!

I‘m not defending ML, as I know she did some things to really piss some people off here.....but what I don‘t understand is, she is a fellow betrayed woman at the hands of a man(apparently) and she was booted out of here, but then an OW huss, and woman that has cheated on her current husband, Sarasota, was allowed to stay.

Boggles the mind.

I don‘t get it either.  But I she told me to tell you hello.

I laughed out loud on that one Dominica!

Carry on.

Back to the original poster, and the original topic...

I wouldn‘t trust this wife further than I could throw her.

Nor do I think you have ANY obligation to "try" to trust her.  It is her responsibility to prove herself trustworthy.  You don‘t owe her a goddamn thing.  She should be kissing your feet and worshipping the ground you walk on for not leaving her.

Cell phones, text messages, e-mail...even if you were to look at it...wouldn‘t prove a thing.  People can always get a "pay as you go" cell phone, or invent a brand new hotmail account, or even use a work computer to "hook up."  She could borrow a "friend‘s" cell phone or even use a pay phone. 

Cheaters - by nature - are devious and clever, and can always find new and innovative ways to be sneaky and to lie.  It used to be commonly believed that if a man came home from work every night, it meant that he couldn‘t possibly be cheating.  You‘ve heard of "nooners" haven‘t you?

She could very well be acting "sweet" just so that you won‘t be suspicious that anything is going on, and it could also be that her "needs" are being "satisfied."

My advice includes EVERYTHING that Malarkey Marie posted.  I recommend marriage counseling for the rest of it.

I think you should be really angry.  You‘ve been betrayed.  I think it‘s okay to hold her feet to the fire.  I wouldn‘t be kissing her ass.

From Stephanie G:

"In contrast any man that comes here with his story is immediatedly treated with suspicion.  The members will openly suggest that he is at best telling a version of events that is designed to make his part in the relationship/marriage failure look good. Or, more commonly he is accused of lying outright,and he is strongly urged to MAN up and face the fact that he was 100 % responsible for the breakup of his relationship."

In some cases I have known this to be true, but definitely not all.  Many of us have very strong feelings about cheating, and I can‘t think of one incident where I have ever blamed a man because it happened to him.  I think women who cheat are every bit as bad as men who do it.  I speak from my personal experience.  And for those of us who left violent or abusive relationships, there is no way I am going to say it was a survivor‘s "fault" for getting hit.  Or that if the survivor had just gotten the dinner on the table on time, she wouldn‘t have gotten hit.  No - I hold abusers completely accountable.

And I have no problems with anyone divorcing or leaving a relationship that isn‘t working.  I usually recommend counseling for those who are "unsure" of what they want to do. 

I don‘t tend to believe that cheaters ever change.  But I can‘t generalize and speak for all.  I know women who‘ve survived infidelity, and believe they have better marriages now.  I am not going to disrespect their choices, even if I was unable to do the same.

 "Henceforth our man will be a marked man for his entire time at Womansavers.  Some of the nastier members will feel completly free to kick him from time to time knowing full well, that nobody here will lift a finger to defend their victim.  Drew have you never wondered why there are so few men here at Womansavers?  We cannot keep them once they learn the nature of this place.  They vanish when they become aware of the double standard outlined above. "

Really!  How about TiredofWomen (who we affectionately know as ToW)?  He left the site, but he was highly liked and respected by many, even those among us who did always agree with his politics or his opinions.  He disagreed with the women on this site on many occasions, but he always did it with class.  He was an intelligent man and was highly respected.

Hopeless Dreamer - another intelligent man who respected women and was well liked by most of the women on the site.

Surf - Posted poetry, great photos, and many inspirational messages.  I really miss him!

I know of quite a few others - none of whom got kicked around or torn apart and maybe it‘s because they were respectful.  If they left, it‘s probably because they got tired of all the anger and all the drama that takes place here.

Men are certainly welcome here, and it‘s good for women to hear their perspective.  But this is a women‘s website, which makes it a forum for women.  Men need to respect that when they come here.

It is okay to disagree.  It is okay to voice your own opinions.  What isn‘t okay is to bash the entire sex ("all" women - or "all" men) - based on your own bias, or your own bad experience.  Or based on some angry opinion one has, of which one has no personal experience at all. 

Unless you‘ve dated "all men" you can‘t speak for "all" of them.  They are not "all" alike.  There are good men out there.

The same goes for women.  We aren‘t all cheaters, and we aren‘t all "gold diggers."  There are a lot of good women out there, and a lot of good women on this site.

I‘ve taken plenty of responsibility for my choices in men, as well as the failures in my relationships.  I am a big one for accountability.  I even think it‘s okay for people to admit when they make mistakes, and to say, "I ****ed up." 

And I could go on all day about "double standards."  Women have lived with "double standards" for centuries.

Why does everything always have to be about men?

Ditto on what Mr. TrueBlue said.

There is no more trust in your marriage A.J.

She is just trying to let things calm down for awhile.  She is white knuckling for you right now.  Probably not a convenient time for a divorce for her moneywise.

She will wait for a divorce when the money matters become more favorable.  If you are in a state where infidelity matters in the divorce,  FILE NOW. Take those copies of proof and put them in a security box in the bank.

Take another set to the wife of the other guy.  She needs to know what is going on.