WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / Help I‘m a cheater!

OK, I‘m turning here because I don‘t know what to do and I want to save my family.  I‘m sure I‘m going to get flamed and all sorts of negative comments but feel free to bash me.  I deserve it.

I‘ll give you cliff notes of the story.  About 2 years ago I was going through a rough time in my life with the loss of a close friend.  Instead of dealing with things properly, I drank a lot and cheated on my fiance.  We were together for almost 9 years at the time.  I cheated on her with a girl I‘ve know for 10+ years and turned to the wrong person.  The whole affair lasted about 3 months.  My fiance found out and although she did move out for a period of time she came back and moved back in and I agreed to stop talking to the other girl.  I didn‘t talk to her at all for a while but then I started to run into her now and then at different establishments.  This started us talking about now and then and lately we‘ve been talking more.  I haven‘t touched her at all and recently my fiance found out that I‘ve been talking to her again and now she said she is leaving me.  I told the other girl to never contact me again by any means and after that she called my fiance and made up a bunch of stuff that was not true.  She only did that because I told her I want absolutly nothing to do with her ever again but she is in love with me and I don‘t think she wants me to be happy with anyone else.  I really don‘t want anything to do with that other girl and now I‘m fighting to keep my family together and my fiance and I want to make her my wife.  She is so furious with me we don‘t even talk, it is more or less her screaming at me.  Any advice on what I can do?  I want to make things right and make her happy?  Is it too late?  Thanks and sorry I‘m such a POS! 

It could be.  The ball is in her court.  It’s too late to make it right and you cannot make her happy.  Only she can make herself happy.  Your actions, not your words, will show her how you feel.  You cheated on her twice with the same woman.  Not good actions.  The first time, she forgave you, although she probably did not forget.  Then you do it again.  How would you react in a situation like this?  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.  She does not trust you and it will take a very long time to get that trust back, if she even wants to try to work on this relationship.

You need to concentrate on why you decided to cheat the first time.  Are you happy with your life?  Is your fiancé what you really want or do you only want her when you can’t have her?  She forgave you the first time and you won her back and then did it again.  Now you claim she is the only “one” you want.  Is this a game for you?

Thank you for your response.  Yes, I am really happy in my life and I really don‘t know why I even started to talk to that other girl again.  I really have no problem with not having her in my life, actually things were going pretty good but the other girl was pretty persistent in getting a hold of me.  But instead of doing the right thing and telling her to leave me alone I continued the conversations.  Our conversations were not intimate or anything, it was just basically catching up on life and how her family was doing.  I‘ve never really let her into my family life or let her know what was going on but I‘ve known her entire family for a long time too so the first time around it was tough to try and let her go.  This time it wasn‘t, I was straight to the point on how I want nothing to do with her ever and told her never to contact me in any way.  She hasn‘t tried to yet and I told my fiance that I would let her know if that other girl tried to talk to me.  I hate what I‘ve done and I want to make things right. 

Any suggestions on how to move in the right direction?  She wants answers to why I even started talking to her and I really don‘t have any good ones.  She thinks that I may need some counseling to get my life and priorities together which I told her I have no problem doing because really there must be something wrong with me if I continue to hurt her when I have no good reason to do so.  

This is no game to me, this is my life and my family and I love them.  I really could care less about that other person because I truly dislike her and think she is a horrible person.  Especially with all the things she made up and it is just making my fiance think too much and make up her own stuff in her head.  It really sucks but I am prepared to do anything I can to prove to her that I love her and only want to be with her.  Nobody else matters to me. 

Thanks again! 

Bobby, I am going to be blunt:

“. . . actually things were going pretty good but the other girl was pretty persistent in getting a hold of me.”  She was holding a gun to your head?

“But instead of doing the right thing and telling her to leave me alone I continued the conversations.”   Feeding your ego.  Why stop that.

“Our conversations were not intimate or anything it was just basically catching up on life and how her family was doing.”  Right.  So after you caught up on how the family was doing, she threw herself at you and you became helpless.

“I’ve never really let her into my family or let her know what he what was going on.”  Why let her know that you are engaged when you could hook up and have some thrills because she persisted.

Bobby, I just wanted to break down your comments to give you an idea of how it sounds to me and perhaps other women.  You saying that you now dislike this woman and told her to stop contacting you, that is what every cheater says.  The old “she is psycho.”  You are not telling the entire story.

That being said, I think going to couples counseling it an excellent idea.

She was holding a gun to your head? - No of course not.  I first started to ignore the e-mails, texts and calls but for some dumb reason a part of me I thought maybe we could be frineds like before...I know that once you cross that line however it can‘t be taken back and being friends is no longer an option.  Especially how I‘ve hurt my fiance. 

Feeding your ego.  Why stop that. - You are probably right here.  That is basically what she did but I‘m not the only one she has done that too.  I fed into all her BS the first time around but recently talking to her I saw through a lot of things but still made the mistake of allowing the conversation.

Right.  So after you caught up on how the family was doing, she threw herself at you and you became helpless. - Nope this isn‘t the case at all.  I had no physical contact with her and there wasn‘t any intimate conversation between us.  I saw her at a bar one night where she tried to hug on me and kiss me and I yelled at her and she ran off crying and I left.  That would have probably been a good time to end the conversations but I didn‘t do that.

You are right that I wasn‘t telling the entire story, I was basically giving the cliff notes of my situation.  I really do appreciate all your comments and I‘m sure my fiance is thinking those exact things that you wrote.  My word means absolutely nothing to her and I hate how miserable she is.  I know I am a horrible person for what I have done to her and the ball is in her court on where this relationship goes.  Even if she doesn‘t stay with me, I really don‘t want to have any relationship with that other woman and I want to make changes in my life because they need to be done.  I have been quite selfish in the past and have several faults of my own which has caused me to lose the perfect girl for me.  Eventually I think she will go to counseling together but right now she thinks that I should go by myself to try and figure out why I have hurt someone I love so much and to make sure that I never do something like this to anyone again.  I know that my actions will speak louder than words and it will take a long time to build any trust and respect back from her. 

Is there anything in the meantime that I can do to help her pain and show her that I‘m not feeding her any BS?  I really do want to make changes in my life and get rid of everything bad that was in our relationship.  I‘ve done crappy things in my life but I really am a good person and a great father and that is why I‘ve turned to you guys here to get suggestions.  I‘m sure it is the same old sob story that you may have heard from others but that isn‘t the case with me.  I really can and want to be committed to my family and relationship.  Thanks again!! 

Bobby bobby bobby

Your words are now toast!!

I assume that you told her the first time that this happened that it would never happen again,  I am sure that you promised her that she ment more to you then anybody else.

You blew it!

So  I do believe you though it was innocent,  but  you should have told your girlfriend  the day you first talked to her,  you should have NEVER contacted her back.

If she ever trust you again,  it will take along time.

I am sorry you are in pain,  even if it was self inflicted  I know it hurts.

I do believe that women and men can be only friends,  but not when one or the other is attracted to each other!

I agree that my words are toast and now only my actions can speak for themselves.  I‘m not looking for a quick fix to this situation, because there isn‘t one.  Do you have any suggestions on what I might be able to do to show her I really mean everything I‘ve said?  Any suggestions on how to help myself and my own well being so that I can really figure out why I‘d hurt someone I love like I have? 

I‘m thinking about going to a counselor for myself.  Do you think that is a good idea?  I‘m really taking action this time because I don‘t want to lose her...hence why I‘m even posting on this site.  Opening up to complete strangers is something that I‘ve never done but I have to start some where.  Thanks again! 

Not that I would advise taking drugs but I found that when I went on Prozac to minimize my libido, (long story) I discovered that all my other addictions went out the window.  I have since quite drinking, (6 months) and can do without coffee however I have kept that as my one and only vice.

There is a certain amount of truth behind the statement that some men do their thinking thru the little head.  Once that desire was removed I feel much more at ease, relaxed, no more neck strains from looking at women, etc., etc.  Amazing.  I wish I had known about this years ago.  I no longer hurt from wanting my wife.   Just for the record, I did not cheat on my wife.  It was the other way around,  She cannot bring herself to initiating or give any indication of desire to have sex.  It is a terrible thing to go thru a marriage thinking she does not want you.  The Prozac resolved that problem.  LOL  Now we get along fine.  No sex, and I don‘t care.  Crazy huh! 

I think you going to counseling is an excellent idea.  This small step will also show her that you are trying to work on the relationship.  As Sunny said, if she ever trusts you again, it will take a long time.

As for suggestions on what you can do to show her you mean what you have said, have you offered to give her your password to the computer?  If she wants to check your cell phone, let her.  Have you asked her what you can do and if so, what did she say?

It is good to talk to strangers because we are neutral.

P.S.  Ignore Don, he is a troll and has been banned here numerous times.

P.S.  Ignore Don, he is a troll and has been banned here numerous times.

Cali, your very nice to me when you are on other sites.  LOL  But not so much when your in front of your GF‘s.

I‘m no expert but that isn‘t healthy and if she doesn‘t want you she probably still wants somebody else.  Being intimate with your spouse is a huge part of a relationship so no way I‘d even consider a route that would diminish that portion.

Yes, I‘ve allowed her to have access to all my e-mail accounts (work & personal) as well as I have been leaving my cell phone out and on high volume all the time.  That way if a call or text comes through she is able to see who it is if she wishes.  I‘m done with the secrets, it is not worth jeapordizing my family over which I already have.  I‘ve asked her numerous times if there is anything I can do for her and the only thing that she keeps asking me is why I continued to talk to her knowing that in the end it would crush her and possibly break up my family.  I really don‘t have a good reason, she really wasn‘t worth talking to and I don‘t have feelings for her like I once did.  Actually, I really could care less if I was to never see her or talk to her again.  I never really thought I would be able to say that and mean it but I truly believe she is a horrible person and I want no part of her games or lies and the way she ruins relationships.  I know the blame is on me in this but I‘ve heard that this isn‘t the first time she has gotten involved with someone that was in a relationship.

Is there anything out there or do you have any recommendations on how I can really dig deep down and see why I would even consider talking to her and putting my family in jeapordy like that?  I‘ve been thinking long and hard about it and this time around I didn‘t really get anything from the relationship and things were going pretty good at home so I can‘t even understand it myself. 

Thanks again!

Hey Bobby,

Is there anything out there or do you have any recommendations on how I can really dig deep down and see why I would even consider talking to her and putting my family in jeapordy like that?  I‘ve been thinking long and hard about it and this time around I didn‘t really get anything from the relationship and things were going pretty good at home so I can‘t even understand it myself. 

Perhaps the marriage was getting a little stale and deep inside you needed some excitement.  Perhaps it was the feeling that someone else found you to be sexually exciting.  Perhaps it was the thrill or excitement of the danger in getting caught.  There may have been any number of reasons it is hard to say exactly why you may jeapordize your family life for a cheap thrill.  I agree that councilling is a very good idea and you will learn so many things about each other that you did not know B4.  Good luck and keep your chin up.  Like an alcoholic the first step to being cured is admitting that it is a problem and that you want to be a better person by stopping.

Bobby

Right now she is feeling like Crap,  you have crushed her self esteem and her heart.

She wants to know why you would do this to her,  how you could do this to your family.  She wants to know if you really do love her,  because if you do, why would you hurt her this way.

She wants to know if she is better off without you,  she wants to know if she is worth having a man that is loyal and faithful to her.  She knows it isn‘t her fault  but she also wonders in the back of her mind,  if she didn‘t do something to make you cheat. She wonders what this Whore has that she doesn‘t. 

These are a few of the emotions that she will be working thru.

You need to make her feel loved,  you need to answer honestly  any questions she ask.  You need to do what she ask of you, (within reason)  If she ask you to give her time,  give it to her.    

You have a long road ahead of you.  Seeing a counselor is a great idea.

We talked some this morning and she has agreed to go to counseling to work on our issues.  We both really want to make this work and I know most of the problems and issues fall on my shoulders but I‘m prepared to take every step to ensure I never hurt her again and make our relationship stronger.

Thanks everyone for your words of advice.  I‘m really starting to understand how she is feeling and thoughts that are going through her head.  I‘m open to any additional comments and I‘ve really gotten to enjoy reading posts and articles on this forum so I‘ll be here often.  I have a long journey ahead of me and I know I‘ll need to continue to receive advice so thanks in advance.  I‘ll keep you guys posted on how things are going as well.  I‘m hoping we can start our first session next week. 

Its not going to be easy,  but it will be worth the work.

I hope that you are both very happy.

Good luck!

oh dear.

if you love her, truly love her, let her be free of you.

Bobby,

I applaud you for putting forth the effort to repair your relationship rather than just giving up. My BF cheated on me about 2 years ago...and does all he needs to and more to repair things and make sure we are moving forward together. The hardest is building back the trust you lost. If she wants it to work, and it sounds like you do...I‘m happy to hear you are giving it the effort. I‘m glad I gave my BF a second chance...I love him to pieces.

KK