WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / Thoughts on wifes involvement with another man

"Ya, sure you weren‘t buddy.  And if you are Japanese, I‘m sure I can guess WHY you were played by a woman....if you know what I mean."

Should I consider then that you are blue because of your nick ? Just give a small look from where I am posting.

Also, you are the one who admited to be played in your last post, right ? The why doesn‘t matter. But I won‘t waste my time trying to offend you. I have better things to do.

Hi Adam.

I was in a similar situation and thought I handled it correctly.  About 12 years ago my wife told me that an old BF contacted her and had asked if they could meet for lunch.  She told me and I said that I was not about to tell her who she may or may not keep as friends but that the request for a lunch date is just the beginning of problems to come.  We got in a big fight and she stormed off.  10 years later I discovered she had been talking to him on her cell phone.  He started phoning her regularly and after about 6 months she started to phone him as well.  The calls went on for a number of years so I made a spreadsheet.  I noted the dates, times and duration of each call.  Once complete I studied the sheet and noticed a pattern starting about the 2nd or 3rd year of calls.  Every Thursday night around 5:30 or 6:00 she would phone him for 1 minute.  Approx. 45 mins. later she would phone him again.  This occured about every 3 or 4 weeks. and went on steady for about 8 months.  Prior to that, there were a few times that the same two calls took place but were very random.

I looked up the phone number and found it was the old BF.  I then looked up the address and took a drive over to his house.  It took me 45 mins. to drive there.  I figured that the one minute calls 45 mins. apart were rendevous dates, times she phone to say I am on my way and again to say I am here, probably a store or deli close by.  Foolishly I asked her about it and she said that she had met with him once and one time only.  that they had pizza and reminisced.  I kept after her and we had many fights, once she threatened to leave me if I kept it up.  Another time she screamed at me that I had no proof of an affair, no photos, no DNA.  Another time she grabbed a bible and swore that she did nothing wrong and completely went histerical, crying and then faking illness, running to the toilet and hovering like she was gonna get sick.  She started hyperventilating and panicky.  This went on for four months of lieing and denial even while I had her go to marriage counciling with me.

I managed to tap into her work email without her knowing and setup rules to forward any email that came from him just to her.  One day I received a email from him that read, "I am home alone today.  Why don‘t you come by after work.  I would love to see you, touch you and kiss you."  signed XOXO

I read it to her in councilling that night and she broke down.  the next day she told me everything.  They had been having sex for about 8 months give or take.  She said it started as oral sex and then eventually she went all the way.  Unprotected sex no less.  Iwas already seeing a doctor and had blood tests that later proved positive for HPV and Herpes.

I learned that like a puppy dog if you pull on the leash, the puppy pulls back even harder.  If you give the puppy enough leash and treat them with love and kindness the puppy will want to walk with you and stay by your side.  If you don‘t use a leash and let the pupply do whatever he wants, he will get into trouble sooner or later.  I can‘t understand how someone could be so naive to think that if some guy is calling you asking to meet that he does not have an alterior motive.  I did not and would not say NO but I should have been gentler and tried to explain what might or could happen in a better way than I did.  I also should have showered her in love and ask her not to go there.

OR I could have just said NO and if I catch you ONE TIME your history.?????????????????  We are still together today, 2 years later, she is sorry and has not seen him or talked to him.  I can‘t get it out of my head, but we get along fine and everyday as a family with my 2 daughters is a blessing.

Good luck!

 I can‘t understand how someone could be so naive to think that if some guy is calling you asking to meet that he does not have an alterior motive.

How ? Watch the topics in this board and you will understand how someone can be "so naive" and some more...

I wouldn‘t keep a wife after an affair though. I would deprive her of any possible rights, and get a new one, doesn‘t matter how many kids we have.

But of course, I would not get married anyway, so...

FOR THE OP..........

This would not even be a debate in my house.  Married people do not go on dates with friends of the opposite sex.  This is ridiculus for you to even ponder over.  Tell her to go and not come back.  It‘s obvious she does not care about your feelings and the fact that she would do something to put your family unit in jeopordy says it all.

So that‘s why you took her back? You have daughters and you didn‘t want to get cleaned out in a divorce. Not like you would have had a chance at a fair shake in court since it‘s always a man‘s fault no matter who cheats and she can also lie about abuse and use that as leverage and never be punished when it‘s found out she lied.

But I still would have put up a fight. You just didn‘t pick a good enough pro male lawyer. I think you punked out. This quote also stood out.

"I also should have showered her in love and ask her not to go there."

The fact that you are talking like this shows you deluded you are and how much you have bought into that feminist crap that it‘s your fault and that you drove her away. In other words, you accept blame when it‘s not yours. If you see nothing silly about that, then you simply can‘t be helped. You can‘t try and tell someone to get their dignity, pride and self respect back who clearly doesn‘t want it. And that‘s you since you stayed with that cheating whore!

what is wrong with some of you?

people come here with genuine problems and you put them down, belittle them and poke fun for the choices they have made. 

How is that helpful?  If youre not here to help, you must be really effin bored with your life. 

btw Adam, im not sure your wife is having an affair, its seems too irregular. I do think she is hiding things from you though. Unless you are the jealous type and interrogate her often then i cant understand her defensive stance about speaking of this unless she is hiding something.  it sounds like she does have a crush on this person.

One thing i think is totally inappropriate is that you have been denied a meeting with this person.  I would put my foot down about this and insist he is invited to the house to meet you and the kids.  

You cant stop her thinking or acting how she wants, but you can show her that actions have consequences for all parties.

Hi Adam. First, I know first hand what you are feeling. My husband did the same exact thing. Here is my take on this type of behavior: Your spouse took a vows to you. Those vows included loving, honoring,and cherishing you until death do you part.

Now if something that your spouse is doing is not loving,honoring, or cherishing then I say it is cheating. There may not be any sex involved but it is infedelity at it‘s worst.

I would suggest that you and your wife get into counseling, individual and couples. Also I suggest that your wife see a doctor, she may very well be going through postpartum depression.

"what is wrong with some of you?"

My thoughts exactly...

"people come here with genuine problems and you put them down, belittle them and poke fun for the choices they have made.  "

that‘s called being honest. It‘s good to give it a try.

"How is that helpful?  If youre not here to help, you must be really effin bored with your life.  "

That is helpfull. People must hear harsh words to learn. Do you think that saying "Oh, your wife is an angel", or "oh, your husband is not cheating on you" is going to help anyone ?

Chances are, if you have a spouse who wants to go on dates with another person, something is already very wrong.

whatever you say bud.  its guys like you why women on boards like this have a hard time trusting the rest of us men who can be depended on and are capable of a loving, faithful relationship.

you are the kind of man these women complain about, a downright misogynistic bastard.

I still have to laugh about you never being played by a woman.  If so, why are you even here?

nice try cupcake.  anyone can see what you are and why you are here.

ladies...whaddya think of ol Japaneseguy?

no sense in me matching wits with the unarmed.

but nothing to give up anyway...I won.  Anyone else here can see it.  I own you, just ask anyone here.

I think he‘s young, naive and a little misguided. I‘m not sure of his history, but he‘s got a lot of anger that seems to be directed at women and men who‘ve been cheated on or abused and is recovered or on their way there...as a therapist, my guess is that its actually fear disguised as anger. He needs to do a little work on himself, but he‘s young...he‘ll learn..and probably the hard way, just like the rest of us!

As to why he‘s here....he seems to see it as some kind of battle of wills I think...he definitely wants to fight with someone???

Oh, wait for it...I can just imagine the backlash I‘m going to get for this!

Ssshh sweetie...the adults are having a conversation now. Run along.

See Trueblue??? The predictability of immaturity ALWAYS shines through!!

she‘s tired. tired of her life and as sweet as you are or say you are, tired of you.

for this "friend" she‘s got energy. find out why and what she‘s doing with it.

she might not even realize that she‘s asking for trouble being alone over drinks with a man she‘s not married to.

i‘m certain you understand that men and woman can be friends, tho in my book it‘s rare. the man not trying to get over on a woman. let alone one that drinks with him.

but, she‘s entitled to go out once a week, where ever she pleases, within reason, and YOU can watch the kids, in spite of anyting true blue tells you to the contrary,