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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 7/19/2009 12:55 PM |
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Subject: Emotional Cheating & Religion; Insights Appreciated |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
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Total Posts: 1357
dublin
Ireland
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| merkovah wrote: |
Hello
I found this site when I was searching for ‘emotional cheating.‘
I am in a peculiar situation with my girlfriend, who I love dearly, yet am feeling more and more distant from her due to an unusual situation. We have lived together for 3 years, almost never fight, and have easily resolved most of our differences and have a good relationship.
Except ...
She is very involved with yogic studies and with a swami & group of people who are, from my own experience, exceptionally knowledgeable and truthful. I introduced her to this swami, and I stopped attending lectures because I found what I was looking for and am at peace with myself.
Our sexual relationship was awesome, until she started going to these lectures, where we reached the point that we had sex five or six times in the last year. (Yes, I remain faithful.) Her swami told her that it was ok to have sex with me, so ... she starts having sex with me again.
She uses all of her spare money to go and visit her swami and these lectures, literally, all of her money. She needs a new car, but only saves to go visit this swami.
She writes him letters almost every day, detailing her days and what is going on in her life.
She talks about him all the time.
She comes back from these lectures and won‘t talk to me about what she learned because I ‘dont do the practices right.‘ Keep in mind, I introduced her to yoga and taught her everything she knew up to the point that she met this swami, and just gave her access to _everything_ I have, even stuff that I was ‘forbidden‘ to share.
I also believe that she is possessive of her relationship with this swami, and does not want me to re-establish my connection with him.
I hold the belief that in a relationship we are actively involved in helping our partner achieve the dreams in their life. I have built three websites for her, given her yoga classes to run, started a yoga school with her, helped her start a massage business, and basically have done everything I can to assist her in her dreams (eg, numerous little helps that I cannot remember)... all the while my dreams are pushed back.
She says she wants to help me develop my dreams (world travel is the only one).... yet three years later she still hasn‘t even gotten a passport.
I feel rejected sexually, and when I try to talk to her, I receive comments about how I should put the past aside (yogic rationalization) ... and she never, ever initiates sex with me anymore ... last time she did was about 2 years ago. Even when I go out of my way to seduce her, she remains lackluster. Yay ... missionary position ... again. whee.
And, I am a fit, good-looking, fun and easy going guy with great personal hygiene... so, I just don‘t get the lack of sexual interest.
I used to love yoga, from early childhood I have been a mystic, and now, I can‘t stand talking about any kind of spirituality due to the stress that this has brought into my life.
I am an awesome vegetarian cook. I used to love cooking, until she started messing around with her diet and could and couldn‘t eat certain foods. Now, she would tell me she couldn‘t say ... eat an avocado because it has fat in it ... and then the next day would want to haul me out to eat pizza (which makes me ill.) That is one example of several dozens that I could mention. Now, being so frustrated with the food situation, I just prepare beans for myself and am losing weight & muscle mass.
I don‘t want to break up with her, yet I am not sure I have any other option. I feel as if I am not appreciated and am being disregarded and disrespected.
This is not how things started out, and as I feel rejected I find myself withdrawing which I know does not help. I try to remain involved, but this is very challenging for me, especially the rejection and lack of active participation in my life.
Her words say one thing, and the actions speak differently.
So, I am hoping for some insight and assistance with understanding emotional cheating and would love to have some feminine perspective on this situation.
(Forgive the ‘religion‘ title ... perhaps people do not read yoga as religion, yet for her ... it is religion and she is devout. I support her fully, I just don‘t feel as if there is any room for me in her life anymore.)
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I‘m not even going to attempt to try figure out if she‘s cheating on you or not, psychologically or otherwise.
Instead, lets focus on YOUR behaviour.
Most telling is this:
I hold the belief that in a relationship we are actively involved in helping our partner achieve the dreams in their life. I have built three websites for her, given her yoga classes to run, started a yoga school with her, helped her start a massage business, and basically have done everything I can to assist her in her dreams (eg, numerous little helps that I cannot remember)... all the while my dreams are pushed back.
She says she wants to help me develop my dreams (world travel is the only one).... yet three years later she still hasn‘t even gotten a passport.
You‘ve got it half right, its good to be supportive of your partners life, their aspirations and goals...but absolutely NOT to the detriment of your own. And then you seem upset that she hasn‘t gotten a passport because YOU want to travel the world...whats wrong with that picture? If YOU want to travel the world why are you waiting on her to get a passport? Because you‘ve put your dreams on hold for her, you expect her to now drop everything for you? So you did all these things for her expecting payback? Nope...thats not a recipe for a healthy relationship. If your going to give in a relationship in order to receive, then expect to be dissappointed, I‘ll bet she never asked you to put your dreams on hold? In fact I bet if she knew she‘d start to feel really icky...I know I would.
You need to assess what it is YOU want from this relationship and if both of you share common goals for the future, if your not getting what you want, then you‘ve got a lot to think about and a lot to discuss with your partner.
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 7/19/2009 9:37 PM |
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Subject: Emotional Cheating & Religion; Insights Appreciated |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1357
dublin
Ireland
offline
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| merkovah wrote: | Hello Bubble,
Thank you for your response.
That‘s quite the focus you picked out there.
When we first got together, I had told her that I was going to go over seas in a few months. My money was saved, my plans were set and she asked me to stay an extra year so that she could save and go with me. That seemed reasonable to me, and I‘d love to travel the world with her as I feel it would be an experience enhanced by her presence.
The things I had done for her was not in a way of expecting payback. Experience has demonstrated to me that approach simply never works. The reason I listed those things was because I feel as if I have gone above and beyond for her ... and that effort just hasn‘t been reciprocated in helping develop my dreams ... after she asked me to stay and said she wanted to be involved.
It was a case where she said ‘yes, I will do this with you‘ and three years later, nothing has happened on her part..
Could you revisit the question, now that you have a little more information?
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I‘m afraid the extra information really doesn‘t make much difference. I‘m not sure what you are looking for here? I can‘t possibly tell you how to make her do what you want her to do...nobody can. YOU have a choice to make, except things the way they are or not...this is only a decision you can make.
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