WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / confused

Hi there,

This forum seems somewhat of a stretch because there are nuances to the story that would aid in understanding the situation, and I don‘t know all the information to begin with.  But here goes.  Thanks in advance for allowing me to "vent". 

I‘ve been married to my wife (my first true love) for 6 years now despite some trying times (deployments, school, pregnancy, etc).  I do love my wife.  We have a 2 year old we both adore.  I met her in college amidst a difficult time in her life.  She broke up(not really a clean break) with her on-again off-again boyfriend because she met me while he was deployed.  They still talked sporadically until a particular tragedy occurred to her ex-boyfriend and he went to jail for a while.  I guess he‘s "cleaned up".  Recently he contacted my wife on a social networking site and had her call him (which his wife-yes he‘s married-was displeased with because she was gone for the weekend) to see what she thought of his ordeal and she has since seemingly become engaged with him, sending messages, and comments, chats, etc, asking for pictures on websites.  She has gone back on what she said about "being friends" with exes, after forcing me to get rid of mine - none that I actually really talked to anyway.  I have pretty big insecurities here since this was her first true love, high school sweetheart (kindof) and a very controlling, self-proclaimed, genetically perfect alpha-male or human muscle model...whatever.  It seems like she talks to him in their own language and sometimes I feel like I‘m being compared/degraded (in small ways) since I don‘t have the history they do in everything on myspace she tells him about me.  

She has been open to share only some of her correspondance she has with him.  But there are some inconsistencies in her stories.  I‘m completely against this relationship building, mostly because once upon a time the ex threatened to kill whomever she married.  The ex is now himself married (my wife talked with his wife and have made amends), living a few states away, and expecting to have a kid soon.  I have already voiced my opinion on the matter, which my wife briefly agreed to, but decided against - and is still talking to him.  I don‘t know why he (truly) wanted to contact her in skethcy circumstances in the first place.  She can‘t say what her relationship is with him and gets defensive about why she wants to be his "friend" when she admit she doesn‘t NEED him, after I told her that it bothers me.   

 How can I move on with this when my wife can‘t tell me what she expects to get out of talking with her ex of 4 years?  I‘m not comfortable where we are and I won‘t be home for a while.  I still have insecurities that my wife compares us sexually.  She has a medical condition which she says inhibits her need for sexual gratification which she didn‘t have when with him, and she doesn‘t seem interested sexually in me, though will do it because she loves me. 

I don‘t want to go overboard and flip out because in a wierd way - I think that‘s what the ex is expecting/wanting me to do...perpetuate the old relationship he has with my wife by making her defensive towards me about the past she has with him.  Her ex is also mutual friend with most of her other small town friends and that adds another piece of complexity somehow.

Anything need clarification?

I know its not wrong for me to feel this way.  I just don‘t know how to better come to grips with the facts, or how to get more information about how my wife feels. I can‘t really tell the situation because I‘m deployed - and she uses the fact that I have PTSD/depression symptoms to say I‘m over reacting to all of this and need medication. 

I don‘t know how to approach this problem but think a jealous streak may get the best of me.  I am also worried my wife may not be IN love with me - the way she once was with her ex, and that it will eat at her forever, but she‘ll never admit it.  I am 99% sure I can trust her, but something doesn’t seem right, and the ex is obviously not the best guy for my wife to socialize with.  Some of this may sound possessive but I legitimately think it‘s my fight or flight response coming through.

Wow - sorry that was so long and thanks again for helping me make sense of this.

Men and women post here all the time with similar stories (those social forums are a curse to modern society!) And I always find it difficult to be of some help...because, I don‘t know you...and I don‘t know your wife, I don‘t know anything of your relationship up to this point.

Is she cheating? I don‘t know

Is she about to cheat? I don‘t know

Will putting your foot down and making her stop contact with this man prevent her from cheating on you? Probably Not.

If she‘s going to cheat there is very little you can do to stop it....people cheat for a good few reasons, but very few of those reasons have anything to do with the person they are cheating on.

You say you love her, and you seem quite sure of that...you trust that you love her.

Put simply, people don‘t cheat on people whom they love, respect and care for...it really is as simple as that.

So, if you are 100% sure that you love, respect and care for her as a person and are 100% sure that she loves, respects and cares for you...then you have nothing to worry about.

If on the other hand you are NOT sure if she loves, cares and respects you...then you have a problem, then you‘ve got to do some serious personal development and figure out if this feeling you have that she doesn‘t love, care and respect you enough not to cheat on you is coming from your own insecurity (In other words, do you believe you are deserving of being loved, cared for and respected) or is it coming from outside of yourself...is it coming from her....and thats something only you can figure out.

On face value...I really can‘t tell whats going on...but I‘d maybe ask her to be a little more open about whats being talked about...also, you mentioned that she‘s talked to his wife...ok then, why can‘t you meet him? Although, he sounds like an unsavoury character...would she really want to cheat with this man? He sounds like a bit of a brute...

Clarification:

Your wife has no respect for you.  A relationship with no respect is a relationship of common courtesy and convenience.  In my opinion, you have 2 choices...you either show her you‘re the man and gain that respect back(if possible) or you give her the ultimatum.  I personally would NEVER put up with that BS.  Show her you have balls and she will respect that, she never will if you don‘t.

She is completely out of line, and what she is doing is crap.

Don‘t put up with it. 

I don‘t care how much you love her.  What she is doing is completely disrespectful to you, and there should not be any conversations - as a married couple - that should be hidden.  You should not have to deal with this.

She should not be discussing your marriage, or your sex life, with others - let alone another married man - let alone an ex-BF.  My thoughts are that she‘s having an emotional affair. 

I agree with Measle!

to have and to hold,
for better or for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish;
from this day forward,
until death do us part.

and there to i pledge thee my trough.

she‘s married to you. she promised to consider your feelings and her level of disrepect in regards to your happiness is risking your childs future.

that said, for some reason she has turned away from you and towards him. in spite of knowing how it makes you feel.

either try to sit down together  and figure out how to turn towards each other again or call the lawyer and go for full custody.

and i have to ask: where does she get the time with a toddler in the house? maybe she needs a job.

She has gone back on what she said about "being friends" with exes, after forcing me to get rid of mine

She is a hypocrite.  Makes you get rid of your x‘s as friends, which I can‘t say I blame her, but decides its ok if SHE has an X as a friend.

She forced you to get rid of your friendships, you force her to get rid of this one citing the ultimatum she dropped on you.

She has been open to share only some of her correspondance she has with him.

uh huh, but she isn‘t open to share ALL correspondence with him eh?  There is a reason for that.  A reason why you need to crack the whip, or get rid of her.

But there are some inconsistencies in her stories.  I‘m completely against this relationship building, mostly because once upon a time the ex threatened to kill whomever she married.  The ex is now himself married (my wife talked with his wife and have made amends), living a few states away, and expecting to have a kid soon.  I have already voiced my opinion on the matter, which my wife briefly agreed to, but decided against - and is still talking to him.

So she just basically threw your concerns in your face and basically told you in no certain words, "who cares what you think, I‘m going to do whatever I want"??

Have you thought about divorce?

How can I move on with this when my wife can‘t tell me what she expects to get out of talking with her ex of 4 years?

Tell her you want complete access to her username and passwords of this social networking site so you can see what is being written.  But don‘t give her time if she gives this information to you for her to delete any incriminating messages.  Don‘t let her tell you she‘ll think about it, only for her to delete them, then come back and say, "i have nothing to hide, here is the password".

Or just tell her up front, "you have no business being secretive and being a ‘friend‘ to your X when you forbid me to be friends with any of mine"

I‘m not comfortable where we are and I won‘t be home for a while.  I still have insecurities that my wife compares us sexually.

Do you suspect she does this?  Or have you read something where she compares you sexually?  If so, this is HIGHLY UNACCEPTABLE, and in my opinion grounds for divorce.  She shouldn‘t be talking about ANYTHING sexual with ANY man.

She has a medical condition which she says inhibits her need for sexual gratification which she didn‘t have when with him, and she doesn‘t seem interested sexually in me, though will do it because she loves me. 

Bullsh#t

I know its not wrong for me to feel this way. I just don‘t know how to better come to grips with the facts, or how to get more information about how my wife feels. 

You need to somehow gain access to her account.  Is there a way you can find out?  One thing you need to do is walk in when she is on the computer chatting with him?

Let me guess, she does this late at night when you are in bed, right?  See if she minimizes the screen when you walk in.  If she does, tell her you need to use the computer, demand she get her ass out of the chair.  And if she says in a few minutes, then you stand there and wait.  Watch her waffle as she can‘t maximize the screen again and give herself up.

I can‘t really tell the situation because I‘m deployed - and she uses the fact that I have PTSD/depression symptoms to say I‘m over reacting to all of this and need medication. 

Oh, didn‘t know you weren‘t there.  Well if you are deployed, you better believe she more than likely has had a rendezvous with him.  I can‘t stand seeing our men and women deployed overseas betrayed in this fashion. 

I don‘t know how to approach this problem but think a jealous streak may get the best of me.

Its not a jealous streak.  You have legitimate concerns.  A jealous streak would be if your wife was doing nothing wrong and you simply were mad over nothing.

Its clear she is not honest and is engaging in inappropriate behavior with another man.

Why don‘t you just come out and tell her if she doesn‘t stop contact with him, you will be filing for divorce?

I am also worried my wife may not be IN love with me - the way she once was with her ex, and that it will eat at her forever, but she‘ll never admit it.  I am 99% sure I can trust her

I‘m 99% sure you can‘t.  And I don‘t even know her.

but something doesn’t seem right, and the ex is obviously not the best guy for my wife to socialize with.  Some of this may sound possessive but I legitimately think it‘s my fight or flight response coming through.

Is there any way to contact this guy‘s wife?  If do, I‘d so it without your wife knowing.  Then wait for her to come to you questioning you about ratting him out to his wife.  If she defends him, there is your answer.