WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / Is this cheating? Wife says No

I agree with Measle.  She‘s a player, and I consider all of her behavior to be "cheating." 

Yes, I think you have a lot to worry about.

Contrary to what everyone says, yes, men and women can be friends.  But when people are married, there are certain "rules."  One of those rules is that the only person you are "sexually open" with is your SPOUSE.  There are boundaries.

I knew when you said that they were working 10-12 hours a day together and she was crying to you about them "fighting" that there was a lot more to it than friendship.  I don‘t "fight" with any male co-workers - probably because I do not have a "personal" relationship with any of them. 

The real question you should be asking her is why she married you.  It doesn‘t appear to me that she knows what that means - particularly the part about "forsaking all others."

Her behavior at work is also extremely unprofessional.  And her lover is also "outing" her - on e-mail I assume?  That‘s also a real good way to get fired.  It does not belong in the work place.  Sounds to me like she‘s guilty of sexual harassment, and like she is now trying to sabotage his career.  Ugly.  Nasty.  If she would do this to a guy at work, wouldn‘t you worry about what she might try to do to you? 

Her behavior is inappropriate, all the way around.  I think you need to stop making excuses for her, and to stop living in denial.  She is rubbing your face in her antics, and trying to say it isn‘t "cheating" because she isn‘t hiding it from you.  Even if all she‘s doing is teasing this guy and playing head games, and there‘s no "touching" (which I highly DOUBT), she‘s cheating. 

And since her workplace is saying that they had a physical affair, I think you‘d be a fool to believe that she‘s innocent in any way.  Just the conversations she had with another guy while she was with you should be reason enough to not trust her.

She doesn‘t sound like a nice or honorable person to me.  I would dump her.  You deserve a wife who is devoted to you and DOESN‘T play head games.

I will be straightforward and brief.

“Do I have anything to worry about?”   Yes.

“Was my wife cheating?”   Yes.

“My wife swears he was in love with her, she had no emotions and he became obsessive . . .”   That is what they all say when they are cheating, it is all him.

“Is she lying?”   Yes.

If your gut is saying this does not sound right, listen to it.

Wow Pualie.  Do you think blow jobs aren‘t sex?  She sure did cover her ass along the way for when the break up happened.  I‘d bet if the shoe were on the other foot she would have hit the roof.

To me this scenerio is emotional cheating.  However, you practically signed her permission slip to do it.  The word boundaries come to mind here.  You both need to set some.  I hope you can work it out.

Paulie, sorry for taking so long to respond. I read (with interest)your post. I read it and then thought about how I would respond to you. As I thought it occured to me that I should respond in the exact way that I would respond to a woman so here goes.

If your wife did some thing that was not loving,honoring or cherishable toward you the yes she cheated on you. You see your wife took a vow to you and only you. It would appear that she has a problem staying within the parameters of those vows.

I would say that both of you need individual counseling as well as marriage counseling.

Counseling for yourself, sure, but I wouldn‘t even bother with marriage counseling. Her heart (& other things) were split from the get-go.

Pay off your joint credit ASAP & divorce her. Move on. Be VERY aware of the friends your future GF‘s keep - they say a lot about her.

Good luck,

UB

Paulie,  I am with the other ladies here,  This is cheating!!

You don‘t have to have sex to cheat!  Just the fact that she was sharing the details of your life with him is cheating to me.

I work with almost all men,  if any of them talked to me the way they talked,  I would have then fired!  I do believe the men and women can be friends,  but if a woman txted or called my man  like that,  I would let her have him!!

You believed her when she told you she didn‘t have feelings for him?  All of her behavior shows great emotional involvement with him.  The only people I know who talk for hours on the phone are lovers or about to become lovers. 

By your comment below, she brought him to bed with the two of you regularly.

"But the problem was when they would fight it would consume her so much she. She would be miserable for days and cry to me about him until 3 or 4am then she would goto work with him. "

How unfair to you. She sounds extremely emotionaly involved in him, right up until it becomes problematic for her and then, like another poster said, she tries to ruin his reputation.

Ask yourself where you see your relationship five years from now?  Do you want to be going through the same thing?  If not then you need to set up some strong boundries now.  Figure out what you want, what is or is not acceptable to you.  Get real specific with yourself because you need to feel strong about it.  Then set up some good boundries in your relationship. 

If she loves you and wants to be with you she may be a little angry at first but she‘ll get past it.  If she ends it because of the boundries then it‘s not worth it anyway unless you want to continue to go through situations like this with her for years to come.

Good luck

For the next 6 months after my honeymoon. I knew they were spending alot of time together at work bc they were working 10-12 hour days. But the problem was when they would fight it would consume her so much she. She would be miserable for days and cry to me about him until 3 or 4am then she would goto work with him.

Oh, there is more between them than just being friends, you can believe that!  I can see her being upset with a guy friend and a fight they had, but to cry about it and let it keep her up til 3 and 4am?  Ya right. 

My guess is she is doing him.

Months of them being close and fighting, her being miserable and consumed with this friendship i finally confronted her. She said he was emotionally attached to her and he was in love with her.

BOOM, there you go.  The "friendship" needs to be dissolved and she should be having no contact with him.  He has designs on her, and whether or not she does on him, and I‘ll bet she does, it is inappropriate for her to be "friends" with a guy that wants her.  I wouldn‘t put up with it if I were you.

To prove it to me she pulled back from him and even lied to him about major events to make him feel horrible (which i didnt agree with). I think this guy was a genuine guy but my wife is very sexually opened to her friends that he might have taken things the wrong way.

Female friends, ok...girl talk, I can see.  But being sexually open with a friend of the opposite sex??  don‘t think so.  She is throwing the line out there to see what bites.

This is what I found out: she invited him to her bacherlorette party which he went to with all of his friends

Major rule of a bachelorette party......NO GUYS ALLOWED.  If you aren‘t allowed to go, neither are any other guys.

when i worked on weekend nights she would talk to him for hours both nights on the phone or im, the rest of the nights they either talked on im or text.

Ya, just friends my butt

Sometimes she would say he needed her and ran to another room to talk to her and I was very understanding.

Anything she can talk to him about she can do in front of you....unless she is hiding something.

Then he said they talked about sex which is fine with me because my wife loves sex and loves being very open about it.

Are you insane????

He said they did sexually tease, flirt and touch. I think my wife was being my wife and he thought it was more.

being your "wife" doesn‘t include sexual flirting with another guy...touching or no touching.

Yup, you can believe that they had an affair. 

He claims she masterbated at work and told him about it. After that I read comments he said she made to him, these comments are: i wish i met you before my husband, you are him plus everything he is missing, you were the person i always dreamed about marrying, i hate his parents they are stuck up a$$holes and your family is down to earth, you and your family know the meaning of a family while my husband‘s family are self centered, if i could do it all over and i knew what i know now about my inlaws i would never have married him so my advice to you is know the family you are marrying into, i am doing all this work and i cant enjoy you. Those are comments he claimed she made.

And do you really think all of that is something he made up?  Its too specific.

She said it was all to help his self esteem and i believe it.

Then forgive me for saying this, but you are a fool.  So right there pretty much shows she admits to saying those things you posted above and NOBODY says sh!t like that to help someone self esteem if they don‘t mean it AND they are married.  You need to man up and start using your head here.

Or do I sense that you want to believe her so that you don‘t have to go through the trouble of divorce or don‘t want to lose your comfortable situation?  Is that it?  Do you just not want to believe it?

People think i am a fool for beliving it.

They‘d be correct.  No offense, I feel for you.  But you need to wake up.

Everyone at their job thought they were having a physical affair. When she wanted to end the friendship but he wouldnt give up, he kept contacting her bc he wanted to remain friends with my wife for life bc they had so much in common family wise and sexually. Thats one thing my wife liked.

She liked that they had so much in common sexually?  HELLO!!!

and she "ended" things because she was about to get caught.

He said not once did my wife say how much she loved me but she did say I made her feel secure and she knows i am her world and I would never cheat/leave her.

Having been there and done that, I can say you have every reason to believe this guy is telling the truth.  Why would he say these things if they weren‘t true?  And if he was lying, why wouldn‘t he have said that also had sex instead of just an emotional affair?  If he were really a liar and wanted to twist that knife in a little deeper, don‘t you think he‘d have gone for the kill and told you he f####d your wife?

This guy is telling the truth and your wife‘s admitting to telling him all those things, and crying over him at 4am is pretty much proof in my opinion.

Now I am having serious trust issues. I want to believe this guy just read her wrong but maybe my wife was totally into him and she was living out as much as a relationship as she can with him. I don‘t know what to believe thats why i am here asking for advice.

I am going to try to make this marriage work and not have this guy ruin it.

Uh, this guy isn‘t the one ruining it....your wife is.  Granted he is a part of it, but there wouldn‘t be a marriage to ruin if your wife was trustworthy....which she is NOT.

I told her she cant get close to anymore insecure guys.

How about not getting "close" to any men period?  She can be friends, but no more of that calling, texting, and IM‘ing on a constant basis....really, why is all that necessary.  If she wants to do that, let her do it with a female friend.

Also word about their "emotional affair" spread around work, so now she is ruining his reputation there say this guy is a psycho and stalker.

Well she has no business doing that.  She had the guts to engage in an emotional affair with a guy, tell him he is everything you are an more, getting sexually flirtatious with him....oh, but NOW all of a sudden its HIM that is a psycho stalker. 

Bottom line if you decide to stay married to this untrustworthy tart....SHE NEEDS TO FIND A NEW JOB.  it is unacceptable for her to be working with someone she had an affair with...PERIOD!

What happened was a bunch of he said/she said work drama and after my wife/him agreed not to talk sh^t about each other but she is sabotaging him. She said she will sue him if he contacts her again bc she wants nothing to do with him anymore.

she has no grounds to sue him.  She willingly engaged herself in an affair with him.  She is just as guilty as he is if not more so.

And if both of them agreed to stop talking smack about one another, then if anything it should be HIM that should be able to sue her.

Honestly, I wouldn‘t want to be married another day to your wife if I were you.


OM told me when I talked to him, if she lied to him and her maid of honor she is definitely lying to me.

I know the OM is a genuine sincere guy and got caught up in my wife‘s sexual openness. He said she played him like a violin and pulled the strings. He felt she used/manipulated him and she is doing the same thing to me.

He is right

All I know is she lied to him about major things and all he tried to do was making things right, but how can that guy make a lie right. I am beginning to see alot of things he said was right but I love this girl and married her. I took vows under God and want to fix this.

Ya, SHE took those vows too...too bad she isn‘t too worried about honoring them.  What is to fix?  Your wife is a liar and yes, a CHEATER.  whether its emotional or physical, thats what she is.


He said she told him that she is only with me bc she knows I will never cheat her and since i come from a bad family, I will do anything to keep us together which I still am doing.

Well, there you have it.  You are willing to do whatever it takes to stay married to a lying cheater.  Good luck with that my man.  You will have to be content with being a cuckold, because she isn‘t about to change.  Especially when she is STILL lying to you about what happened.

...told him all those things for his self esteem....phffft, ya right

Do I have anything to worry about?

Most certainly.

Was my wife cheating?

Yup

Thank you all for your advice. It has really helped me.

I still have alot to think about and try to come to terms with this all. Since you all said its definitely some sort of emotional affair and not him stalking my wife then I have to consider going to therapy with her.

She says absolutely not because I have to trust her that he was obsessed with her and that she loves me so much. That this guy couldn‘t even come close to me and she is telling me I am much hotter and a better person then this guy. But from what you are saying she is just gasing my head.

I have alot to work on still and if there is anymore advice please give me more. I am a lost soul here trying to save my marriage.

Also, if you need more information please ask and I will definitely answer questions. I really want as much help as I can get.

Keep in mind my man, I didn‘t say what I said, and the way I said it, to be mean.  I‘ve been there and can smell bullsh#t a mile away.

You do need to wake up and crack the whip.  I think there needs to be ground rules.  FIRST, she starts looking for another job and sends out a resume a week until she finds one with NO COMPLAINING!

2, things such as going out for drinks with colleagues, girls nights out, going to bars, clubs are out of the question.  This is not controlling.  This is expecting a wife to act like a wife after she has proven herself untrustworthy.  She had the privelige of your trust and she destroyed it.  You should be no longer comfortable with her engaging in certain activities.  And if she does so anyway and could care less about how you feel about them, then she should find all her belongings on the front lawn at the end of the night that she felt so much more important than her marriage.

Mr. True Blue nailed it.

If she‘s not willing to do this for you, then what kind of wife is she?

Not one you want.

Well all, i received emails this morning regarding replys from this post that were months ago. I guess I should give you what has happened in the last 3 months.

As I mentioned before he quit work along time before alot of this happened. Most of the crazy stuff happened after he already left. They talked more and fought more after he left.

Now she has said she has been quiet at work, only hanging out with other females and not mingling outside of work. She doesn‘t go out drinking with her co-workers anymore or attend company parties. She is just laying low. People say this could be because she needs to set a new reputation after it spread around the office, but who knows.

Things at home have been fine at home. It went back to normal the way it was before he came into the picture. We are enjoying life, but I am still hesitant to FULLY trust her

Thanks for the update. Once they break the trust, it is hard to fully trust again.  Take care of you.

Excellent reply girlygirl.