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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 2:01 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 41
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Hi all. I‘m a 41 yr old male. Married for 5 years, together for 10. We have no children because my wife has PCOS. We have tried several options to no result. The Dilemma!!! Up to about a month ago we were fine. Happy, intimate, etc.. until she found her ex husband on Facebook. Now she claims she is not happy and not for a while. She has been secretly texting, IMing, phone calls and a secret email account. I stumbled on to this by mistake, looked into it and found it was out of hand. I confronted her about it and she says we are just hashing things out from a bad maaraige. It has continued. I purchased an internet spy program and have been reading all the emails etc.. She states she loves him and misses him etc. He lives in CA and we in NY. She has not told any of her friends the extant because they would call her an A**hole. She now says she wants to try with me, and has seemed to be making an attempt but the late night IM‘s and emails continue witht the same content. She told her freind that she wants to be w/me but this doesn‘t seem so. Can anyone enlighten me on what to think or do? It makes no sense...
I know they have both wrote to each other about a possible meeting in VA about July. How can I also go on "trying" and attempting to make it work when this may come around the corner. the trust factor right now is almost totally out the door but i have saved some hope.
Am I crazy for still trying to save this?
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| Funnysl |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 2:51 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 40
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sunshine and daisies
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Sounds to me like she thinks the grass is greener on the other side. which is stupid saying she has already lived on that side. WTF if my ex emailed me, my response to him would be short and nice. If she isn‘t happy she needs to find herself not her ex.
Do you think she is just lost about not being able to have a child and she is grasping for the younger days??
I am sorry that she is hurting you.
She doesn‘t need to have any contact with him at all. If she wants to be with you, she will stop talking to him and never contact him again. If you confronted her and she is still sneaking around behind your back, you need to dump her and find somebody that loves you!!
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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:04 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 41
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The child issue is a big one. We went thru 5 insemination procedures. After the last one she was an emotional wreck and couldn‘t do anymore. At the time I went w/her twice for the followups but after that she said it was no big deal go to work. Now it ‘s you weren‘t there for me etc. Then she started looking into IVF. It is real expensive especially when your insurance doesn‘t cover it, about 15K. Instead of being supportive i did not want to see her suffer anymore if it did not work. I told her it may be too much $$ for us to handle right now. That was the last I ever heard of it. This is 2 years later and it becomes an issue, right around when she started to "converse" wth her ex. This guy is a piece of work too. He hit her, emotionally degraded her and held a gun to her head. Why would she want to go back to that, even if he says he changed and sorry!!!
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| Funnysl |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:14 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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sunshine and daisies
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| jrjr43 wrote: | | The child issue is a big one. We went thru 5 insemination procedures. After the last one she was an emotional wreck and couldn‘t do anymore. At the time I went w/her twice for the followups but after that she said it was no big deal go to work. Now it ‘s you weren‘t there for me etc. Then she started looking into IVF. It is real expensive especially when your insurance doesn‘t cover it, about 15K. Instead of being supportive i did not want to see her suffer anymore if it did not work. I told her it may be too much $$ for us to handle right now. That was the last I ever heard of it. This is 2 years later and it becomes an issue, right around when she started to "converse" wth her ex. This guy is a piece of work too. He hit her, emotionally degraded her and held a gun to her head. Why would she want to go back to that, even if he says he changed and sorry!!! |
She is grasping at straws to find reasons to make this your fault. That is not good. She needs to accept responsiblity for doing you wrong with her ex. If she doesn‘t accept responsiblity there is no fixing your marriage.
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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:20 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Sunny,
I appreciate your input. It‘s kind of what i think but it truly kills me that this may end like this. If we separate I can almost guarantee that we will not get back together, not what i want but what I think. It just doesn‘t make any sense to me. If she started w/someone new maybe but w/this guy. ????
I hope I‘m wrong
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:50 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Jr, have you asked her to go to go marriage counseling with you?
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| Funnysl |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:55 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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sunshine and daisies
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| jrjr43 wrote: | Sunny,
I appreciate your input. It‘s kind of what i think but it truly kills me that this may end like this. If we separate I can almost guarantee that we will not get back together, not what i want but what I think. It just doesn‘t make any sense to me. If she started w/someone new maybe but w/this guy. ????
I hope I‘m wrong
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I know how much it hurts It has been over 2 years since I found out my ex cheated. The pain is very real, but it does get easier.
You need to decide what you can and cant live with.
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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:57 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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We just went to a Chaplan to talk. Both of us are not overly religious but came recommended by a friend. In there it took everything she had to tell me she loves me but is not in love w/me. So I am about to write the marriage off when 2 days later she wnats to sit down and watch our wedding video together. It really took me for a ride. The marriage, I pressumed, was DOA at this point. Then she asks this. In the same token she continues w/ the communication, on the down low, w/the Ex.
I guess I am just looking for someone to give me a reason to think it may work.
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| shally |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 4:41 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Unless it‘s a choice that a woman makes to not have children it can be devastating. She has to place the blame somewhere so she has chosen you.
She‘s in total denial. Better to go back and fix something that may be fixable (her ex) rather than deal with something that is out of her hands - a baby. Your wife needs help. She needs individual counseling. Encourage her to get it.
If you can no longer deal with the pain she is causing you, leave. If you want to see this through tell her what you are and are not willing to live with. The counseling needs to start now.
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| supermom21664 |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 7:40 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 46
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| jrjr43 wrote: | Hi all. I‘m a 41 yr old male. Married for 5 years, together for 10. We have no children because my wife has PCOS. We have tried several options to no result. The Dilemma!!! Up to about a month ago we were fine. Happy, intimate, etc.. until she found her ex husband on Facebook. Now she claims she is not happy and not for a while. She has been secretly texting, IMing, phone calls and a secret email account. I stumbled on to this by mistake, looked into it and found it was out of hand. I confronted her about it and she says we are just hashing things out from a bad maaraige. It has continued. I purchased an internet spy program and have been reading all the emails etc.. She states she loves him and misses him etc. He lives in CA and we in NY. She has not told any of her friends the extant because they would call her an A**hole. She now says she wants to try with me, and has seemed to be making an attempt but the late night IM‘s and emails continue witht the same content. She told her freind that she wants to be w/me but this doesn‘t seem so. Can anyone enlighten me on what to think or do? It makes no sense...
I know they have both wrote to each other about a possible meeting in VA about July. How can I also go on "trying" and attempting to make it work when this may come around the corner. the trust factor right now is almost totally out the door but i have saved some hope.
Am I crazy for still trying to save this?
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I am going to tell you what I would tell any woman that asked for advice. What is your gut telling you? Your gut instinct will let lie to you. Go with what it is telling you.
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 8:02 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| shally wrote: | Your wife needs help. She needs individual counseling. Encourage her to get it.
If you can no longer deal with the pain she is causing you, leave. If you want to see this through tell her what you are and are not willing to live with. The counseling needs to start now.
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I was going to say that, but Shally said it better.
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| learning |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 11:52 PM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| jrjr43 wrote: | We just went to a Chaplan to talk. Both of us are not overly religious but came recommended by a friend. In there it took everything she had to tell me she loves me but is not in love w/me. So I am about to write the marriage off when 2 days later she wnats to sit down and watch our wedding video together. It really took me for a ride. The marriage, I pressumed, was DOA at this point. Then she asks this. In the same token she continues w/ the communication, on the down low, w/the Ex.
I guess I am just looking for someone to give me a reason to think it may work.
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I‘m sorry if I‘m not being sensitive enough about the baby issue, but I really just think she‘s playing emotional head games with you.
I love you, I‘m not in love with you, let‘s watch our wedding video.....bizzare.
She knows you don‘t like her conversing with her ex and she does it anyway....sneaky.
Maybe right now she‘s unsure if she wants the marriage to end, but if she decides she does, she wants to end it in her time, in her way. You pulling the plug first is not what she wants. That‘s why you‘re getting the mixed signals, I think.
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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 7:50 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Hi Learning,
The problem with ending on her terms is that I can‘t emotionally nor physically take it much longer. I may feel she is trying to set her self up so when she wants to leave she is ready and drop me where I am. I hope that‘s not whats happening but I just have no clue. My gut tells me it‘s over but I am fighting it internally. I guess that‘s the first hurdle. On the other issue of counseling, I have no problem going with, just going to hold her hand whatever. It must be that all correspondence w/the ex ends ASAP or out. I don‘t think she will receive this ultimatum quietly.
Am I right for wanting to ask this?
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| Funnysl |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 8:19 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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sunshine and daisies
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| jrjr43 wrote: | Hi Learning,
The problem with ending on her terms is that I can‘t emotionally nor physically take it much longer. I may feel she is trying to set her self up so when she wants to leave she is ready and drop me where I am. I hope that‘s not whats happening but I just have no clue. My gut tells me it‘s over but I am fighting it internally. I guess that‘s the first hurdle. On the other issue of counseling, I have no problem going with, just going to hold her hand whatever. It must be that all correspondence w/the ex ends ASAP or out. I don‘t think she will receive this ultimatum quietly.
Am I right for wanting to ask this?
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YEs you are right to ask this!
She should have no contact with him. She should have spoke with you about it, said hey guess who I found on facebook and then asked if you minded her pm‘ing him. I don‘t feel it is asking permission, I feel it is respecting your feelings.
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| learning |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 9:08 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| jrjr43 wrote: | Hi Learning,
The problem with ending on her terms is that I can‘t emotionally nor physically take it much longer. I may feel she is trying to set her self up so when she wants to leave she is ready and drop me where I am. I hope that‘s not whats happening but I just have no clue. My gut tells me it‘s over but I am fighting it internally. I guess that‘s the first hurdle. On the other issue of counseling, I have no problem going with, just going to hold her hand whatever. It must be that all correspondence w/the ex ends ASAP or out. I don‘t think she will receive this ultimatum quietly.
Am I right for wanting to ask this?
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What would her reaction be if you were doing what she‘s doing?
If you‘re asking whether it‘s right that you ask her to stop communicating with her ex.....a man she claims to love and miss......absolutely. The question is: Will she stop? As far as she knows right now, you don‘t know she‘s still doing it. But you do know.
My point in my earlier post was to NOT let her decide when it‘s over or not.....you decide. She‘s dragging your emotions all over the place. It‘s your call.
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| anonymousmale |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 10:09 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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New WomanSaver
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I know you are looking for a womans point of veiw, but if I may offer this to you....
I have been in some what of the same situation recently, with some differances. When she denied anything was going on, I sat her down and showed her the print outs of the emails. I am not saying you should do this, it kind of blew up in my face. But at least it let her know that I knew what was going on.
I wish you best of luck my friend, and the fact that you have no children will make it a little less painful if you can‘t work it out. And maybe have a chance to find some one true to raise a family with.
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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 10:26 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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To all that have replied in some way or another, please accept my thanks and praise for your open and honest opinion in this situation. The advice given here has opened my mind a little more to things and that it is not my fault. She created this monster and only she can kill it. If she wants my help i will give it but only for so long. Tonight is our "date night" where we are suppose to watch our wedding video. I don‘t know what will come of it, good/bad. I will let you all know what happens.
Again thanks to all. this forum board is something I just stumbled onto but i think i will stay and give what I can to others .Once I get my head out of my ass!!!
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| LittleMissWomansaver |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 11:11 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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 JR!
This is not your fault. You‘ve done your best to support her and communicate with her. She definitely has "grass is greener" syndrome and has obviously forgotten how abusive her ex was in the first place. She‘s getting her ego fed by him and vice versa.
If and when they meet, there is a very good chance they‘ll end up in the sack together to get both their ego‘s filled further.
What your wife is doing is called "cyber-cheating" and she is committing emotional infidelity - something that is just as painful as physical infidelity and most times leads to physical infidelity.
Perhaps she feels less of a woman because she can‘t have children and being desired by another man besides you is filling this emptiness for her. Nevertheless, it‘s wrong.
Don‘t let her know you have information yet or especially how you got it. Sit her down and calmly ask her some questions and see how she responds. If she lies to you, be firm and keep repeating your questions and tell her not to lie to you. Tell her your gut instinct is telling you this. Tell her you are considering divorce and watch her reactions. If she continues to lie to you, tell you have proof but don‘t tell her how. Spy software can be used against you in a court of law but usually, if it‘s the home computer or your computer, this does not apply. Often it depends on who owns what so be careful there.
If you are no longer into this relationship, simply get out. However, be prepared that when the novelty of the reconciliation ends, she‘ll be crying at your doorstep.
Feel free to post or give advice here any time.
Good luck,
Little Miss WomanSaver, Site Founder
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| jrjr43 |
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Posted: 1/16/2009 7:42 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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To all that may be wondering, date night went off nicely and a heated discussion in sued afterward. I told her if she wanted to go and speak w/ a professional about her issues then either you look or we will look for someone. I told her if she wants I would accompany her to the place for support. Then I asked her if I will ever get her back. Her answer to me was "I am still here, aren‘t I". I am wondering is this her way of saying she is interested? Then the ex husband issue came up because I sarcastically threw a comment out about "Go ahead, can‘t wait for the Ex to get on line" Well then a big discussion went on. I told her this had to stop. It is killing me inside and how could she not see what it is doing to me. The were "only friends" comment came up. I told her bulls*it, its way past that. you are involved with him emotionally. You look forward to conversing w/him rather than me. I asked her when they planned on meeting each other again because that must be the next step. She blew it off as if i am stupid. She then asked me "Do you want me to stop talking to him" I told her "If you care about us it would be the thing to do, I can‘t win otherwise". Then I asked her if she wanted to be here (at home,w/me). She said I want to be here but when I asked her why, numerous time, I couldn‘t get an answer.
What is your take on this? Any comments or ideas?
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| learning |
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Posted: 1/16/2009 10:05 AM |
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Subject: I need some clear advice, please |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| jrjr43 wrote: | To all that may be wondering, date night went off nicely and a heated discussion in sued afterward. I told her if she wanted to go and speak w/ a professional about her issues then either you look or we will look for someone. I told her if she wants I would accompany her to the place for support. Then I asked her if I will ever get her back. Her answer to me was "I am still here, aren‘t I". I am wondering is this her way of saying she is interested? Then the ex husband issue came up because I sarcastically threw a comment out about "Go ahead, can‘t wait for the Ex to get on line" Well then a big discussion went on. I told her this had to stop. It is killing me inside and how could she not see what it is doing to me. The were "only friends" comment came up. I told her bulls*it, its way past that. you are involved with him emotionally. You look forward to conversing w/him rather than me. I asked her when they planned on meeting each other again because that must be the next step. She blew it off as if i am stupid. She then asked me "Do you want me to stop talking to him" I told her "If you care about us it would be the thing to do, I can‘t win otherwise". Then I asked her if she wanted to be here (at home,w/me). She said I want to be here but when I asked her why, numerous time, I couldn‘t get an answer.
What is your take on this? Any comments or ideas?
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Counseling is needed here.
She said, "I‘m still here, aren‘t I." Well, that is not an answer and is just a deflection of the original question. Don‘t drive yourself crazy looking for or guessing at meaning in that "response." Maybe ask it again and hold out for a concrete response?
She asked if you wanted her to stop talking to her ex? Really? No, really? She really asked that? I apologize for my sarcasm, but I‘m dumbfounded. She knows the answer to that question, undoubtedly. Why ask it?
As to her not being able to answer why she wants to be with you, that‘s not good, as you know. Sounds to me as if she‘s unsure herself.
I don‘t know, Jr. It sounds to me as if you‘re getting a lot of lip service. You have no idea what‘s going on in her mind. She‘s not telling you. Your frustration is palpable. You need answers. She‘s going to have to come up with them. Shape up or ship out, as they say.
My apologies if this insults you in any way, but might I suggest that when you ask her a question you stop talking completely and just wait for a response....and watch her reaction/action. I suggest this only because I‘m sensing that when you do ask questions you keep on going with whatever is on your mind.
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