WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / I need some clear advice, please

Well, she was definitely untrue to you. 

I don‘t think this is unfixable, but at the same time, she has some MAJOR amends to make with you.

First of all, all her passwords to her little social accounts should be divulged to you.  If not, she need not be on social sites looking up people.

She is to become an open book.  And if she wants it to work, then ANYTHING you feel uncomfortable doing she should refrain from doing.  Example, if she wants to go to the bars with some friends and you have a problem with that, then it shouldn‘t happen.  Some call it controlling.  I call it expecting a wife to be a wife and in the face of her untrusworthy ways, she needs to do whatever puts your mind at ease if she wants this marriage.

If she isn‘t willing to do that, then let the X have her and tell her, adios and don‘t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

I remember that feeling very well.

What helpped me was writing everything down.  a con and pro list.  I also left and spent sometime alone.

When I was down and out and started to call the bastard  I would wait an hour  normally by then I wouldn‘t want to call him.

You dont deserve this!

Hi, I am completely new here. I do have some understanding of the type of dynamic that lies within dysfunctional relationships though, so I will share my thoughts, for whatever they are worth.

I have not read everyone else‘s responses, so I apologize if I am redundant. I think your wife continues in on her behavior, because she is able to. Simply stated, there are no rela consequences to this point, so she will keep acting out with as far as she can push the bill, knowing there are no real hard fast consequences. You have not established any real value system for yourself, perhaps. It doesnt sound liek even you know where your own boundaries lie, in a relationship. The task here is to figure out what you want out of a relationship, and then present it to her. If you say something, mean it and stand by it. She will get the picture. And she will take tyou more seriously. The best part is, YOU will take yourself more seriously, and she will not be able to walk on you anymore. While I do have compassion on her, for her current struggles, I do n ot think she is handling it n a mature or responsible manner. If she is struggling with residual emotions for her failed marriage, she could trun to counseling, support groups, or friends for help. She does not need to be emailing and speakminbg to him incessantly, to grow past and heal whatever loss she endured as a result of that relationship. Nor, would it help anyway. The source of healing is inside us or with other safe people, and possibly a Higher Power, but not with the person or object with whom the hurts took place. The only way I would budge on that is if when she is stronger, in the future her needing to make amends to that man for old stuff......but know that that would take years of work first, and a lot of dealing with herself. Right now she is commiting emotioanl and mental adultery, and is planning physical adultery, whether unconciously or not. She does not have a leg to standf on as far as her actions go.

As far as yourself, have you ever considered you have codependent issues, or love addiction issues? I have these...and some of the things you say resonate with issues/perspectives I myself have struggled with. I do not see you taking a firm stand with your wife-I hear more verbal repetition and hurts expressed, but other than that no real action for yourself is being taken. I have allowed a man to treat me this way a very long time, and didnt reliaze i was throwing all my dignity and integrity in the trash, everytime i tried to ‘help‘ or ‘stand by‘ him......cause he was showing me no repsect, and was sucking all the enrgy out of me that i could have expended on GOOD things in my life. I now take responsibility that *I* allowed that to happen, but in part, I came form a lousy family of orgin and was not given the proper tools to navigate myself through dysfunctional marriage issues....but i certainly was responding in an unhelahty manner, and wondered why things didnt change......which left me depressed, negative, angry, bitter, and so out of touch with who I was.

I hope you can find the time to sit down and write down what you want, here and now. I hope you can find a place within yoruself where you see your invauabled WORTH in this world, and the contributions you can make by being a part of peoples lives. Seek things and places and people that will help you find a grounding point....and figure out how to adress your wife, in a way that is BOTH beneficial to herself, AND you.

:)

I really like this forum.

Hiya there,

sorry if I come across a little harsh BUT she has you where SHE wants you.

She‘s running wild on a me, me, me mission irreguardless of your wants or feelings.

The day will come when you can get the grip and stop flip-flopping.

That will be the day when the hurt, pain and humiliation you feel for and about yourself.... far outweighs anything you think or feel you owe her.

She‘s already said she would stop and hasnt. I dont happen to think she is going to. She‘s confident and complacent that shes got it made. That she can walk all over you and your feelings.

Do yourself a favour and unmake it for her.

You come across as a decent fellow, someone who deserves so much better. Someone who deserves mutual care and respect.

T

Because you do not want her at this point, but you do not want anyone else to want her either.

I agree with everyone else‘s assessment of the situation.

What she is doing to you is extremely disrespectful, not to mention sneaky and dishonest, and quite honestly, I think she has lost all credibility with you.

She hasn‘t ended the relationship with the ex.  If you have to check up on her to find out what‘s really going on, you cannot trust her.  Clearly even the experience of being confronted - and being "caught" - isn‘t stopping her from the cyber cheating.  And if she hasn‘t been honest with you up until now, what makes you believe that is going to change?  She will probably just become sneakier and better at it.

You may love her, but love does not coincide with the loss of trust and respect.  You will always be suspicious, and you will always wonder, and it will eat at you.

If you have to "ask" her to quit talking to him, she clearly isn‘t GETTING IT.  She is taking royal advantage of you, and she knows it.

I say stand up for your dignity and self respect.  Don‘t tolerate it.  Even marriage counseling won‘t work if she‘s still carrying a torch for him.  Three‘s a crowd.

i see her struggling. struggling to be honest with you. which she was, right up to the point where she pretended it was about "closure" with the EX.

she wants to try with you because she is still unsure of HIM.

i think you should tell her, it stops or she goes. if she goes with him, its over, tell her: don‘t come back.

sink or swim baby. because they are wasting YOUR time. if they want to be together,( remember she told you "she‘s been unhappy for some time"~~ code for, its over), all you can do is feel sad and wish them well.

make it clear, it‘s him or you. they don‘t call it "cake" for nothing.‘

and be prepared, she may leave and try to come back, claiming she made a huge mistake.

mine did. were still divorced.

good luck.

Oh, JR, she has got to go.  How disrespected do you have to be to realize that?   Not only is she still emailing him (which is bad enough in itself), but telling him she loves him.  I‘m sorry.  I know it hurts.  Let her go.  Cali‘s right...she‘ll be calling in just a short while.  Hopefully by then you‘ll really be done with her.  Maybe try removing your emotions from the situation and look at it from a different perspective.  Easier said than done, but not impossible.

ETA:  When and if you do pull the switch, do it in such a way that lets her know you mean business.  No more wishy-washy; mad one minute, consoling the next.  She will probably then swear up and down that this bull**** will stop, but she obviously cannot be taken for her word.  She‘s proven that.  Stick to your guns!

Nuff said,   My man.....get rid of her.

And if she does, I‘d tell her "too bad....stay with him, I don‘t want you anymore....you made your choice earlier, not now"

I haven‘t read all the posts, but I would like to offer some advice.

I know this is not your fault. You are just being you. However, somewhere along the line there has been miscommunication between you and your spouse. If she is anything like me, I have a million things running through my head and overanalyze situations and conversations with my spouse.  Somewhere she has pointed out reasons why she is unhappy - rational or not, its how she feels, and she need to talk to someone about it.

Maybe she can‘t talk to you, but a counselor might help. Not just a chaplin, but college educated counselor. She may not realize the reasons why she is unhappy, and why she finds something else appealing. Once she figures out the deficiency she feels, you two should communicate and work on it.

I believe people can get through anything if they are honest with themselves and how they feel. Talking to this other guy is a temporary fix to her unhappiness. She likes the attention.  However it doesn‘t get down to the real issue, and I pray that you and your wife will take all the steps to figue out what is really wrong.

God Bless,

K

This is not the time to make long term plans.

See if you last out a year, then start thinking IVF or a new home...

I agree with ThomThom. She has not even proved herself beyond a reasonable doubt, and hse is getting considerations on your part. If she needs encouragment via moving and all this, be sure those things arent motivating her at all. They would have to be a by-product of the mended relationship.

It would not be unreasoanble for you to REQUIRE to see the email she wrote. In fact, if she were/is truly REPENTANT and sincere, she herslef would OFFER up a copy, and a link to her email. She would not have to be so ‘personal‘. You rightly wonder, and dont trust her, because she hasnt even given herslef or YOU the dignity to take the necessary steps to even begin rebuilding trust, or allowing YOU time to process through and heal. Try to resist "making everything better‘. Instead, I encourage you to let it all fall apart if she isnt willing to do the work. Real love is holding people accoutnable. Real love makes people prove their word. Dont allow her to baby her way outta this one.

This is just my opinion and I only know the very small parts of the story you haver shared. Ultimately you need to make your won choices with what you feel in your gut is the right thing for you, and waht you can and cannot live with. I hate for you to view a temporary fix as a permanent soolution when she hasnt done a real iota of work yet. Be blessed.

Thanks for the update, Jr.  I‘m crossing my fingers for you.  It‘s not easy to stay.  It‘s not easy to go.  We all understand that.  I do agree with Thom, though.  It‘s all well and good to talk about the future and how rosey it will be, but don‘t make any specific plans or changes just yet.  You two still have to deal with the here and now.

Best of luck to you  both!