WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / help me with my wife issues

First of all, I‘m sorry you‘re going through this emotional turmoil.

She can‘t be all that much smarter than you because she certainly hasn‘t been able to cover her tracks very well.

Perhaps you do have it right in your head since you say you wish to leave her.  If it was her who changed everything by acting badly then it‘s up to you to apply the consequences which might just be the end of the marriage.

Ask yourself if this fits where she‘s concerned.  When you truly love someone you do everything you can to avoid bringing them hurt, upset and dismay.

I hope this helps a little!

If I were you, I‘d feel the same way.  I‘d always question everything.  Kudos to you for trying to make it work.  Can‘t say I‘d do the same.  My ex did the same crap and I dumped him.  Once the trust is gone, it‘s hard to continue on like it never happened.  I feel for you and am sorry you‘re going through this. 

Ask yourself if you can get over it and live happily ever after.  Maybe counseling?  I don‘t know and I‘m sorry that I don‘t know what else to say.

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted as to how you‘re doing.

I think you need to give yourself permission to feel bad about this.  You are in a bad position.  You care for her but you do not trust her.  I was in a very similar position and it drug on for years until I had absolute complete proof of what I knew he had been doing all along.  I wish I had gone with my gut feeling the first couple of times but as they say hindsight is 20/20.  Cheaters will lie and then try to convince you that you are crazy or that you are the bad one because you do not "trust" them.

If you want to work things out, great.  Counseling is a good idea but she might still admit nothing wrong.  Remember cheaters always lie.  Sometimes the best way to get someone‘s attention is to stop giving them your attention.  Suddenly get very busy, develop new friends and hobbies away from her, have your own little email chat-mates and find less time to be with her.  I might be way off base but I would back off and let her wonder what you are up to.

SAM

Jmill

Thats CRAP that you feel "you managed to catch her in time"??

Married, in a relationship no-one should ever manage "just" to catch it in time. I too would be feeling as you are now, mixed up, angry and incredibly hurt. Mis-trust would be coming naturally. Ten fold at that!

The emails were "dirty" yet she tells you otherwise? She denied it, liars do! Its almost like a contradiction to what you saw and found out. Lacking the balls to come clean here??

Do you wonder why you feel bad??  I dont doubt that you can carry on and act as if nothing has happened. If the boot was on the other foot, how would it be??

I think "taking the power away from her" and getting on with new things and new people is a splendid plan. The same goes for men and women alike, We always want what we cant have. When it is there at our mercy, we mis-use it and abuse it, take it for granted. I hope you find the strength to give her a dose of her own medicine.

Best of luck to you and stick around.

T

She‘s not sexual with you anymore. She is distant and contacting other men. It‘s clear she is cheating. She doesn‘t want to work anything out. Consider the post from a female member who said that her ex, when he cheated, wanted her to get riled up and abusive and see that she cared. In other words, the cad himself was on an ego trip and DIDN‘T TAKE THE INITIATIVE HIMSELF to fix the relationship. That‘s what your wife is doing or rather not doing. She clearly does not want to talk to you and make things right. If she did, SHE would come to you.

The choice is clear. She does not love you and she is scouting for other men to be with. If she has not ridden the horse yet, she is pulling the saddle out of the barn.

You even say you find it hard to trust her? What good would wasting thousands of dollars at a counsellor do? Do you really think that she would change and that you could fully trust her again? Remember the conventional wisdom on this board regarding the asshole male cheaters. ONCE A CHEATHER ALWAYS A CHEATER. In other words, they will not change and trust will never be the same again.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who has broken your trust, and is out scouting other men? I should think not. However if you are so dependent on relationships and you think that you can only be a man if you are with a woman, no matter how bad or good she treats you, then you have to let go of that silly belief. If you don‘t, then nothing can be said to help you or make you realize that your wife clearly has moved on emtionally as already noted by her lack of trying to fix things and coming to you...the same behavior that asshole male cheater did to this one female poster on this board who said he was just trying to get a rise out of her and wanted her to react jealously.

The first rule in the game that would be called being a woman in a relationship with me (me as in YOU my friend) would be NO GAMES. Which is what she is playing.

Move on and dump her. If you don‘t, you deserve every bit of misery and suspicion and hurt she brings on you due to you having a fair warning. I mean I‘m sure you can find a better woman who is close to your age. I doubt it‘s all hopeless. So there really is no excuse for staying with a cad now is there? No.

I am sorry for your pain.

Your wife needs to talk to you any time you want to talk about it ,and to know that it was and is cheating .any time you do something that you wouldn‘t do in front of your spouse and you have to hid it them ,they know they shouldn‘t be doing it .there is no time frame on her talking to you about all that she has done.

they don‘t like to talk about it because they know they are in the wrong ,and will get better at hiding things.

just like we tell woman to do this ,you should do the same  print out anything you have that she has done and put in a safe place and show to a lawyer .have all important paper work in a safe place so if and when you leave you have it.

make sure you stay part of your childrens live and don‘t let them be part of this mess,kids always feel as thou they did something wrong.keep your children safe and dont let them here any of this .

keep posting we are here for you.

To answer your question, I don‘t like it at all! 

Forgive?  Maybe.  Forget?  Impossible.  She doesn‘t want to talk about it?  Too bad for her.  She created this situation and now wants to go on like it never happened.  Too late for that.  You should let go of the past?  Ummm....isn‘t what happened in the "past" exactly why your marriage is in its current state?  She broke the marriage, ergo, SHE must fix it....no matter what it takes.  Of course she says that nothing happened.  Liars do that.  My ass nothing happened.  Making up lie after lie is exhausting.  If nothing happened,  then why hide it?  Has she pulled the raised-voice-I‘m-pissed-off defense mechanism yet?  She said that you‘re pushing her away?  I think that‘s called "shifting blame."  Lastly, and this is what gets my goat the most about your post, she said that she‘s told you everything you "need" to know.  She needs to tell you everything there IS to know. 

Sorry, Jmill, I just don‘t like her at all, not one bit.   If she didn‘t fess up to the truth and nothing but right from the get, chances are that she never will.   

This woman is guilty of something!!

She cant deal with the guilt so she is twisting everything around to make herself feel better!

Watch her she is up to something!!

She isnt going to tell you the truth, she will lie till her dying day! 

You will find out the truth  it will come out in bits and pieces.  It always does, and she will lie about it then too.

Honestly  i think she is still up to something,  why act this way if there is nothing to cover up??

It can get better, but only if she admitts to what she did!

Have you though about seperating for a while?  It will make you or break you thats for sure.

have you admitted to her that you were no angel??

I just dont understand why she would be holding out information, if she isnt up to something?

Jnill, ask her to go to counseling.  I really don‘t think she will, though.  The one who does the harm rarely wants to do that.  Also, it sounds to me as if she‘s already distancing herself from you, i.e., won‘t sit next to you, etc.

Though I do believe that counseling can do wonders for some, I have to ask you this question:   Could you ever trust her again?  That is the bottom line, I think.

ETA:  We must have posted at the same time, so now I have more to say.  (hahaha)

Did I read correctly that once you told her to go, she changed?  Man-o-man, who is treating whom like a dog now?  You called her bluff.  Kudos to you!!!

I‘m still ranting.  Sorry.

She says she did things because you‘re no angel.  WTF!!  How old is she?!!  She ever hear the "2 wrongs don‘t make a right" line?!

In my own defense, I take such offense to her behavior because this is exactly what I went through with my ex.  Your situation and feelings hit very, very close to home for me.