WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / help me with my wife issues

Then go for it. Counseling is not a bad thing. However you should sing the two of you up for couples counseling. If she doesn‘t show then do it by yourself, you might learn a lot from it.

Good luck,

TM

Thanks for the update, Jmill.  I‘ve been wondering how you‘re doing. 

I still say she‘s projecting blame.  Suggesting that only you go to counseling is not a good sign, I don‘t think.  It suggests to me that she, herself, does not want to work on your marriage.  She‘s leaving it all up to you to fix what ails (sp?) your marriage.  Impossible to do.  She wants no part of accepting  responsibility for her behavior.  She somehow feels she‘s in the right and is entitled to treat you like dirt.  I think it is she who is in dire need of counseling.  She holds resentment for things that happened in the past and has now decided to punish you for it.  It begs the question:  Why now? 

She‘s a crafty one:  Bringing up issues from the past and using that as her excuse for her present behavior.  In other words, diverting your attention from the present core issue.  Read your first post.  We‘ve gone from her emailing/meeting, etc.,  a man and/or men to "you need counseling."   If she doesn‘t believe that she has problems, she really needs to re-think that one.

I‘m happy you found a counselor!  I hope both of you will be attending, not just you.  If you find that the counselor is pointing solely at you, he/she is not a good one and keep looking until you find the right one.

I‘ll say this first; I don‘t have any children, BUT from what I‘ve heard and read it‘s not good to stay in a bad relationship for a child/children.   They see, hear and feel more than you realize.   Again, I don‘t have any firsthand knowledge of that, so take it with a grain of salt.

Now back to you.  If you‘ll pardon the expression -- she has the upper hand here.  She knows it.  She‘s using it to her every advantage.  Brow-beating you.  She is very much aware of how badly you want your marriage to work/be repaired.  There‘s a part of her that doesn‘t want to lose you.  I remember your saying that you said, fine, go..or words to that effect..and she quickly changed her tune.  Then there‘s the part of her that wants to break free.   My suggestion is for you to bluntly just ask her:  Do you want this marriage to work or not?  See what kind of reaction you get.  Read her body language.   I‘m sure you‘ve asked her that already, but this time focus on "reading" her more than listening.  Just a suggestion.

Why does she think that you are stopping her from having friends, socializing and experiencing life?  Does she want friends/social life/experiences that are just hers, not yours to share together?

And, listen, nobody‘s an "angel" but you have to ask yourself how much of what you‘re getting do you really deserve?  You apologize to her after she berades you.  I‘m thinking you think you deserve it and/or she‘s making you think you deserve it.

As for emotional strength, I think that comes when the issues start to get sorted out.  Right now it seems that you‘re dealing with a myriad of issues simultaneously.  It‘s no wonder you‘re exhausted.  You didn‘t get into this situation over night, so obviously it won‘t be resolved over night either.  Just take it one day at a time, or just an hour at a time.

I so hope I‘m helping.  I feel like I‘ve typed 1,000 words and yet have said nothing.   I would never want to steer you in the wrong direction.  I hope you know that.

Wrong approach. Women are different from men. Don‘t ask her what she if doing (you already know) instead ask her WHY she is doing it. When she says she doesn‘t know, don‘t accept it. We all know why we do what we do, but we know admitting it would be selfish and very revealing.

However, I am a firm believer that you cannot get deliverance in denial. So get her to admit why she is behaving this way and let her know if she does not stop, you will not stick around for the betrayal or disrespect.

How she handles the situation will tell you what her priorities are. Let‘s hope it is her family. Be encouraged-good for you for trying to understand your wife.

Hello again Jmill

well i guess i was no angel for a long time
she was storing up all the things i did wrong like a squirell storing nuts for the winter.
i quess my mornings, when i leave, phone calls, when i came home, dinnertime, nights
werent to her liking, i was a jerk alot and acted like an ass.

she developed a sense of feeling like a slave to me, instead of feeling like i treated her like a good wife and mother.

What and SHE told YOU about all of the things YOU had done wrong???  Can you not see that she is projecting BS back to you, to in some sick way JUSTIFY what she did??? Second guessing yourself only proves to her that you are buying in to her manipulation. So what if neither of you were or are perfect, its doesn’t qualify as a an excuse to disrespect and cheat on the other.

so she decided that she would start talking to others thru meetings/phone/email
i dont know at this point if she actually met someone for sex, or even coffee for that matter, i do know that my mind thinks so.

she said she was unhappy with the way i was treating her, and that she was mad at things i said and did, so she got even.  she said she needed something to take her mind off things, it was just emails, making friends.

Oh bless her, NOT!!  Emotional blackmail must be the oldest trick in the book, OH WOE is how it goes.  She is completely in denial about having done ought  wrong and simply refuses to own her choices and behaviour. She is opting to blame it all on you, had you NOT done this, that and the other and had you been oh so wonderful and different, she wouldn’t have done it now would she???? HUM, BS I think!

since i caught her, i have been in a state of crazyiness in my mind, thinking every thought, asking everyone, confused.

i think she is sorry, she said it and showed it in her way, a few times, not the way i thought it should be done, but she did cry to me and say she wanted me to be proud of her, other times cryed because she said she is not a whore, that she is so mad i told everyone that. other times cryed because she said she cant take me bringing it up anymore and drilling it in her head. i should let it go or let her go

Her emotional tactics are working, spot on. She can’t take you bringing it up anymore and its making her resort to tears. She is soooo upset that you are simply not allowed to feel hurt, feel anything and how dare you get mad and tell people what she did??  Everytime you bring it up, and goodness knows why you would according to her book,  she can’t take it!!  Guilt should in theory be sitting on top of her shoulders but she is so good at putting it on you, you are now being made to feel guilty for her very SHITE behaviour. She’s one smart cookie (in my book)

my problem is forgiving her, how do i, when im not really clear what she did and how she was doing it, i need to know that to protect myself later, from it happening again, or at least from me being tricked again and not knowing what was going on behind my back.

my problem is, if i stay and love her, how do i know she wont do it again.

how do i know she was having emotions or how do i know she just didnt want a big one, how do i know who she is. what can i do to find out

Why should you forgive her?? This isn’t about her and her selfish self, this is about you. You tend to forget in the middle of her manipulation of you, that she was a cheater for most of her life. At every point possible she has made this about herself in victim mode and put the onus on you to now put it all right for the 2 of you.

Bless you simply because I am a woman and I stereotypically tend to assume that it just doesn’t happen to men like it does to us. You prove that theory of mine wrong.

How you feel about WHAT SHE DID and how you have reacted, along with the unanswered  questions of yours and the haunting thoughts you have, ARE ALL NORMAL. Whats not right is how she is manipulating you to keep herself in denial and put the “blame” on you.

She really isn’t the victim here, however much she wants to play that card. She will continue to be the victim for as long as you allow her. YOU DESERVE BETTER and above all else a mature, respectful woman!!

T

Jmill

I honestly and sincerely think you need to have time out for yourself. Whilst in the thick of it you will never be able to see the wood for the trees.

In it and trying your best to make it work, while also thinking about leaving her, you are bound to be nothing but confused. While confused beyond belief you will never have an opportunity to even see her manipulation, let alone process it or deal with it.

My answer here, make yourself, your needs, your questions and your doubts COUNT! Make this be about you and what SHE did to you. You have every right to feel hurt, need answers and to be able to question each and every time a memory or thought comes up. I sadly dont ever think she will allow this to be for you, she is consumed with being in victim mode. How SHIT people and things have been for her that have driven her to be and act the way she has.

Proper grown-up, decent human beings just dont play life by these rules.Its what we are on the inside and how we treat others that counts.Dont you think you deserve better?? Dont you ever ask yourself......... how dare she, because I would never have done that to her???

Inside we all have a moral ethic code that we follow, we fall short of being true to ourselves when we allow others to have a LESSER code of ethics than we hold for ourselves and would do to others.

The million dollar question must surely be "why we sell ourselves short"???

T