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| izalac |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 6:07 AM |
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Subject: Need opinions |
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New WomanSaver
Male Member
Age: 24
Total Posts: 4
Zagreb
Croatia
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Hello everyone, I‘m new on this board, and so far I found it interesting. I need some opinions on my current situation.
I have a girlfriend that I absolutely love. We‘ve been together for over a year now. It is the most perfect relationship of our lives for both of us. There are just a few rough edges in it.
Her history was that she was mostly attracted to the wrong type of guys. She had a lot of relationships in her life, but never a single serious relationship until she met me. She was pretty much losing her trust in men. On the other hand, I was the long-term guy. I had rahter few relationships before I met her, but they were all long-term ones, and they all ended far later than they really should have. I was pretty much losing my faith in women by that time :). She was hard to trust anyone, and when we started our relationship, she didn‘t dare even to consider that it might work out (which it did). We were 100% honest to each other from start, and that helped to form initial trust.
However, sometimes I just feel she doesn‘t trust me completely. She is afraid that I will cheat on her. I cheated on a girlfriend only once in my life: it was near the end of a five-year-long relationship I had with my ex. That relationship was going totally down and was near-death for over a year prior to that event. There wasn‘t much more left there (sexual desire, understanding, patience, love) for a long long time, and it should have ended long before that.
Some people would say "Once a cheater, always a cheater", but I don‘t feel like that at all. She knows I won‘t cheat on her as well, but deep down in her, there‘s still a spark of fear that I‘ll do just that. Maybe admitting her what I did in the past was a bad idea, but I still think it‘s better that she hears it from me than if she manages to find about it otherwise.
My behaviour can sometimes be problematic too. In the last few years I found out it has been far easier for me to form friendships and such with women than with men. I‘m also a sucker for close male-female friendships. I had a few of those in my lifetime, and it seems to be the main source of problems.
For example, there‘s my GF‘s sister. She‘s a very nice and unique girl, who just turned 18. In the last year, she has been one of my closest friends, and I have come to love her in a way like I would like my own little sister or daughter if I had any (and she started treating me like a brother too). In short, we have developed a close relationship that is neither romantic nor sexual. I‘m also that close to another friend; this is a family friend, I‘ve known her since she was born, our parents are old school friends.
However, my GF tends to show bits of jealousy every now and then. Not just towards my close female friends, but also towards my female university colleagues, business partners, life-long friends, and random girls I dance with (switching partners is the usual practice in my dance club). It‘s not serious jealousy - she never really believed I was playing around - but more like subconscious fear. She often accuses me of cheating on her (though teasingly and in a joking manner). It makes me feel a bit sad (because she doesn‘t completely trust me), as I would never fool around - I want her and that‘s it :)
So I was wondering... Any advice?
Should I work hard to remove any fears from her? (and how to do those last few steps? Out of ideas here) Or should I continue as it is now, hoping that she‘d start trusting me completely eventually? Or should I just enjoy our relationship, ignoring those few rough edges, because it‘s good if she doesn‘t take me for granted (is it?).
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 5/19/2008 6:53 PM |
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Subject: Need opinions |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
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Total Posts: 1248
San Jose
California
United States
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If you are a trustworthy person, she will see that you can be trusted. If she does not trust you, it could be an issue she needs to work on. It sounds like she would not trust any man and it has nothing to do with you. If she has those fears, there is nothing you can do – she needs to do it. Have you discuss this with her and told her how you felt?
Just show her that she is important to you and you love her and enjoy the relationship. You both are young. Enjoy life. Continue being you.
One more thing, never, ever talk about your past relationships. It is the called the past for a reason. You learn from them, no need to talk about them.
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| MrTrueBlue |
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Posted: 5/20/2008 7:37 AM |
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Subject: Need opinions |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Male Member
Age: 37
Total Posts: 1103
Peoria
Illinois
United States
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| izalac wrote: | However, sometimes I just feel she doesn‘t trust me completely. She is afraid that I will cheat on her. I cheated on a girlfriend only once in my life: it was near the end of a five-year-long relationship I had with my ex. That relationship was going totally down and was near-death for over a year prior to that event. There wasn‘t much more left there (sexual desire, understanding, patience, love) for a long long time, and it should have ended long before that.
Some people would say "Once a cheater, always a cheater", but I don‘t feel like that at all. She knows I won‘t cheat on her as well, but deep down in her, there‘s still a spark of fear that I‘ll do just that. Maybe admitting her what I did in the past was a bad idea, but I still think it‘s better that she hears it from me than if she manages to find about it otherwise.
My behaviour can sometimes be problematic too. In the last few years I found out it has been far easier for me to form friendships and such with women than with men. I‘m also a sucker for close male-female friendships. I had a few of those in my lifetime, and it seems to be the main source of problems. |
I would say your behavior is absolutely problematic, not only for the reason she doesn‘t trust you, but for your reason for cheating in the first place.
You cheated on a girlfriend, you say you don‘t believe "once a cheater always a cheater", but then you say you more easily develop relationships with girls than guys.
I can see why she doesn‘t trust you. Not saying you aren‘t trustworthy, but for a guy to have close female friends, the kind of friends that you hang out with anyway, is a recipe for disaster and a cheating session waiting to happen. Don‘t say it won‘t happen because all your female friends can fill the same needs as your gf and if you are spending quality time with other females, then I can see why you cheated in the first place.
Its ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you start spending time with them, like going out for drinks, to the movies, etc, it isn‘t going to be good for the relationship.
I also wonder why you develop relationships with girls more than guys.
I do believe "once a cheater always a cheater". And if I were a girl, I‘d probably feel the same way about you unless you decided to change the scope of your friendship. In other words, start hanging out with guys. Sure you can have female friends, but the kind you go out with? I can see where your gf has problems with this.
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| izalac |
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Posted: 5/20/2008 10:47 AM |
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Subject: Need opinions |
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New WomanSaver
Male Member
Age: 24
Total Posts: 4
Zagreb
Croatia
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| MrTrueBlue wrote: | | I would say your behavior is absolutely problematic, not only for the reason she doesn‘t trust you, but for your reason for cheating in the first place. You cheated on a girlfriend, you say you don‘t believe "once a cheater always a cheater", but then you say you more easily develop relationships with girls than guys. I can see why she doesn‘t trust you. Not saying you aren‘t trustworthy, but for a guy to have close female friends, the kind of friends that you hang out with anyway, is a recipe for disaster and a cheating session waiting to happen. Don‘t say it won‘t happen because all your female friends can fill the same needs as your gf and if you are spending quality time with other females, then I can see why you cheated in the first place. Its ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you start spending time with them, like going out for drinks, to the movies, etc, it isn‘t going to be good for the relationship. I also wonder why you develop relationships with girls more than guys. I do believe "once a cheater always a cheater". And if I were a girl, I‘d probably feel the same way about you unless you decided to change the scope of your friendship. In other words, start hanging out with guys. Sure you can have female friends, but the kind you go out with? I can see where your gf has problems with this.
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Actually, I *do* hang out with guys more than with girls. It‘s just that I develop closer relationships with girls. (I tend to keep friends around for a long time, and I know most of my friends since high school days)
About going out for drinks and movies, I‘d never want to leave my GF out of that, she‘s with me on pretty much every social occassion, and I wouldn‘t have it any other way.
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| MrTrueBlue |
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Posted: 5/20/2008 3:21 PM |
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Subject: Need opinions |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Male Member
Age: 37
Total Posts: 1103
Peoria
Illinois
United States
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| izalac wrote: |
| MrTrueBlue wrote: |
| I would say your behavior is absolutely problematic, not only for the reason she doesn‘t trust you, but for your reason for cheating in the first place.
You cheated on a girlfriend, you say you don‘t believe "once a cheater always a cheater", but then you say you more easily develop relationships with girls than guys.
I can see why she doesn‘t trust you. Not saying you aren‘t trustworthy, but for a guy to have close female friends, the kind of friends that you hang out with anyway, is a recipe for disaster and a cheating session waiting to happen. Don‘t say it won‘t happen because all your female friends can fill the same needs as your gf and if you are spending quality time with other females, then I can see why you cheated in the first place.
Its ok to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you start spending time with them, like going out for drinks, to the movies, etc, it isn‘t going to be good for the relationship.
I also wonder why you develop relationships with girls more than guys.
I do believe "once a cheater always a cheater". And if I were a girl, I‘d probably feel the same way about you unless you decided to change the scope of your friendship. In other words, start hanging out with guys. Sure you can have female friends, but the kind you go out with? I can see where your gf has problems with this. |
Actually, I *do* hang out with guys more than with girls. It‘s just that I develop closer relationships with girls. |
There is the problem right there.
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