WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / Guess I should introduce myself.

Good morning, all.  I came across this site several days ago when it was referenced on another one.  Since then I‘ve done a lot of reading and a little posting but I haven‘t really "formally" introduced myself.

I‘m male, no longer young and have one divorce under my belt that ended a 25 year marriage.  The ex had two affairs I know of and that, coupled with some other issues, led to the end.  IAs it turns out, it was the best thing that could have happened.

A couple of years later, after living like a monk post-divorce, I remarried.  I‘d met my wife at work five years before and we‘d become work-only friends.  She‘d since gone to work for another agency but we‘d kept in touch professionally and since it would no longer be a case of fishing in the company pond, I asked her out.

One of the things that drew me to my wife was my belief that she was the most open and honest person I‘d ever met.  After the ex, she was like a breath of fresh air -- the ex‘s polar opposite, or so I thought.

My wife and I are now fast approaching our 12th anniversary.  Almost exactly a year ago I discovered that early-on in our relationship my wife had lied to me about some elements and issues of her past that I consider significant.  The discovery devastated me and is still a problem for me.  My level of trust in her has decreased, as  has my respect for her.

At the time of discovery we tried some marriage counseling but I‘m still not comfortable and it is decidedly impacting our relationship because it makes me guarded.

I loved falling in love with my wife and would love nothing better than to be able to recapture what I think we had in the beginning, or thought we had.  I‘m open to any advice any of you may be kind enough to offer.

Let me hasten to say that I think my wife has been faithful to me during the course of our marriage as I have been to her since I take our vows, all of them, seriously.  But there is still that trust issue in the background that just won‘t let go.

Welcome,   You sound like you love your wife very much.

You never really said  what she lied about,  I assume that before you were married she did something that wasnt right?

You have been hurt before   so you guard your heart more carefully,  Its been 12 years  and she is still by yourside  and faithfull.  Let it go!  Enjoy the woman you love!

You‘re right on all counts.  I do love her very much.  What it was occurred before we married, even though she lied about if afterwards.  I certainly am more guarded and she is still with me.

Lettng it go would be preferable but it‘s difficult when the trust has been badly bruised.  Guess I‘m still just a work in progress.

Thank you.  Lots of hard work still ahead!

I do know how hard it is to let go,  I am getting out of a 21 year marriage.  19 of those years were wonderful.  I cant forgive or forget,  mine happened year 19  had it happened before our marriage, it would have hurt  but i could have forgave!

Remember what you had before you knew,  remember that she learned from her mistake,  remember that you love her.  Its hard when you realize that she isnt perfect.  She lied because she was ashamed of what she did,  or because she loved you so much she was afraid to lose you. 

I hope you work it out!

Be glad for the wonderful 19 and hold those memories as an example of what can and should be again, just not with him.  I know how tough it is to have a long-term marriage go south.  But the good new is, you‘ll not only survive and learn from it but the best could very well be yet to come.

You‘re right, you know.  It‘s not the end of the world for my marriage and it needs to be worked out or just permitted to die a natural death as we go on from here.  She‘s been my best friend for 16+ years and that counts. 

Whether it was shame or fear she shouldn‘t have lied but what‘s done is done and can‘t be undone so I just need to let it go and not brood about it any more.

Thanks for talking sense to me! 

 Exactly.  Besides brooding about it is exhausting and you might out on the good things.

 Good advice Sunny.

Drew, you are wrong,  (once again)  

What a double standard!!  What a pig you are!!  If a woman has mult partners  she is a slut, if a man does  he is a stud! 

He said that this happened before the marriage!  BEFORE!!  That is why I said that.  I would have said the samething if it was a woman.

You are on angry little man!

He said he doesnt think she is doing anything wrong,  had he said that he still thinks she is,  I would agree about hiring a PI.

Yes she did, Drew.  No I‘m not, wondering that is.  At issue was more the fact of the lie itself than the content.  The former challenged my trust, but not regarding her faithfulness. The latter challenged my respect for her but more than enough remains to make me want to conntinue in the relationship.  What occurred did so over 30 years ago and I doubt it has any direct bearing on the present.

Sunny, if I had any suspicions regarding the present I would investigate it myself.  I‘m a former peace officer and know how to find out what I need to know.  It‘s how I "busted" the ex.

I think I just needed to get this out and receive some objective advice.  I‘ve done so and for that I‘m grateful.  I merely lost my bearings for a bit and for reasons I‘ll probably discuss later.   I prefer an incremental approach to things right now -- slow, easy doses.

My usual mode is to let the past be just that.  It does its job by bringing us to where we are today and in most cases can be gracefully and gratefully retired.  I need to return to that mind set.

Thank you to those who provided caring and well-considered responses.  It‘s been much appreciated.

Sorry

Drew likes to degrade every post I make.  I have a son his age so I know how to handle him.  If I say its red  he will tell me I am wrong  that it is maroon. 

Welcome OldWiz!

The trust issue will forever be in the very back of your mind.  Not all the time but it will rear it‘s ugly head when triggered.  I know!

Yeah!  That appears to be the reaslity.  Guess it then just becomes a choice of living with it, or not.  Does the good outweigh the bad?

Of course the good news is that at my age, I don‘t have to live with much for very much longer, comparitively, and even if I do, I might not remember or know the difference!    Thanks for the welcome!

I agree.  Everyone has a different tolerance level.  Everyone has line that is a breaking point!

And yes at the ripe ol age of 100, I‘ve got you pegged for lasting 6 more months or a year max!

"What a double standard!!  What a pig you are!!  If a woman has mult partners  she is a slut, if a man does  he is a stud! "

Don‘t get mad at me. Get mad at the women who validate this claim when many all chase the same type of guy and sometimes the same guy, not just the type. I‘m not saying I agree with any party having multiple partners in a short time, I‘m just letting you know that some women get turned on by a guy who can get a lot of tail and want to be the one to tame him. You don‘t like this part of reality, well tough I guess.

"He said that this happened before the marriage!  BEFORE!!  That is why I said that.  I would have said the samething if it was a woman."

So in the OP we have a guy who has suspicions that his wife COULD BE cheating on him because she lied about how loose she was before the marriage and this lie has caused some trust issues with him. You say he should let it go. You also appeart to say that women should let it go if their husband was a man whore before marriage. You‘re saying you would tell her to ignore it because,‘you‘re married now and it‘s all in the past and it happened BEFORE THE MARRIAGE‘ as you say. For some reason, I doubt you would tell a woman with suspicions to look the other way. I find it hard to imagine you saying to a woman on this board, "Honey, he may have lied to you about how many women he had sex with in the past, but you‘re married now so it‘s different."

But see when you say you would tell that to a woman, you prove my point exactly. That women fall for the guy who gets a lot of tail and they want to be the one to tame him, and often, I don‘t think it works and that he keeps his old ways even after he says I do. How often to guys cheat statistically speaking? Exactly.

"He said he doesnt think she is doing anything wrong,  had he said that he still thinks she is,  I would agree about hiring a PI"

Well then why are you upset with me if we agree? Oh right. A supposed doubld standard that you think I have but which I really do not.

oldwiz,

    Welcome.  I‘d say, unless it is something that impacts the present and the future, that her past is in the past.  That is unless she exhibits traits or behaviors that were condusive to the bad things that happened in the past.

Guess we would need more info.  If her past was something like, she got an STD, but had since had it cleared up, then I can see why she wouldn‘t tell you.  It would be embarrassing.  Some things are just to embarrassing to tell a new partner.

If it was something like she cheated on every guy she has ever been with, then ya, I‘d say that is a problem.

What was it she recently confessed?

No recfent confession.  My discovery, thanks to a journal page she left up on the computer, that she purposely lied to and misled me about her past sexual experience and numbers of partners before we married.  It was nothing I had ever asked but something she brought up several times then severely minimiuzed.

Again, the fact of so blatant a lie is at least as upsetting as the nature of the lie, if not more so.  One of the things that had attracted me to her over the previous five years was my belief that she was the most open and honest person I had ever met.

This has caused a significant drop in both my trust of and respect for her.

Thanks for the welcome!

Well her past is in the past.  Now if she said she was with 100 different partners in her lifetime, well then ya, I‘d be a little concerned.

But she may have lied so that you didn‘t think badly of her.

Now if she was very promiscuous in the past, and she goes out and parties all the time without you, or something like that, then yes, it would be disturbing.

But if she hasn‘t cheated on you, or anything like that, then its not the end of the world.

But then again, I don‘t understand, if you never asked, why did she bring it up in the first place?