WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / No ManSavers for me: My story

I wish there was a site for men who have been cheated, but I still hope you will not mind me writing about my story.

I am not really looking for sympathy or understanding, but I guess this is as good place as any to open my heart and speak out my mind.

If this post seems not appropiate, do delete it as you wish. Last thing I want is to cause any kind of trouble to anyone.

I am just beginning in my 30s, and I had a 4 years relationship to what I thought was the woman of my life. I trusted her with my life, until I found out a year ago that she cheated on me.

I was planning our wedding, and I bought an apartment that I was preparing for us. I never allowed her toput a penny on it, as I wanted it to be mi gift to her. Once completed I wanted to change the ownership to both of us.

The aparment wasn‘t completed when one day I saw her with another guy, hand by hand, in a quiet coffee shop where I came to talk to a coworker about an office problem. Luckily she never saw me, and even more luckily she left before the guy. At that point I quietly sat with the guy, asked him to have a cup of coffee with me, and showed the picture of me and her together.

He knew she had a boyfriend but never saw any picture of me. He told me, in all honestly, that she was taking me as her second best since that guy would not want to move their relationship to any serious stage.

...a second best...

I was mad, but not at him. In a way, I could understand why she went out with him. He was blonde, blue eyed, and 6‘2" tall. I am a 5‘7" green/brown eyed midget. I felt tiny in front of him. I left him without laying a finger on him, and I knew he was scared as even though I was acting very calmly my eyes could not hide the emotional breakdown I was having.

I begged him don‘t say a word to her until the next day, and to my surprise he did it.

That night I came to her place. I carried a suitcase with her stuff from my place. I gave it back to her and took my stuff and left. Before I did so, I told her I found out, gave her the guy‘s name and I refused to hear anything from her.

I gave her an email address to contact me, and advice her that shall she come anywhere near me or contact me I would call the police and ask for a restrain order. I gave her 5 days to ensure nothing was amiss in her pertenences. I changed the locks of my place and moved on.

She did called once, a month after this incident happened, and I told her I recorded her call and if I she contact me again I would contact local authorities. She never contacted me again since.

The other guy did call me (how he got my number?) and told me he left her. I told him that was none of my business in a polite manner and hung up.

Since then, I only had lovers. Many lovers. I never lied and told every woman I have been with I was not to go serious. My home is now nearly finish but there is no happy family to fill it with.

I still ask myself what did I do wrong, why she wanted another man. I have a stable job, from my previous statement about my lovers you can guess I am not ugly either. I cook, clean the house, gave her massages and very often carried her to the bed when she fell asleep in the couch. I used to do boxing as a kid, so my body is nice and I have tons of stamina, and I never remember any sexual relationship with her that lasted less than 40 minutes (we usually had 2 hours per "session"). I never got drunk in my life, I don‘t smoke, leave alone drugs. I am not into watching sports on TV, I go with her shopping and often bought her clothes (my mum is a fashion designer, and growing up with models gave me a bit of talent about what looks good on girls)...

...but I am not hot shot. I have a decent job, with which I could buy a brand new 2 bedroom apartment overlooking a river in a quiet area of my city...but I don‘t drive a ferrari, or own a house house. I guess she wanted more than what I could offer.

She had a 5 year old son (not mine) which I never mind to father. I always made clear to her it was her choice to let me father him or to keep me apart. I often took care of him but always acted as a good friend. I know he misses me, as I miss him too. I still remember helping him learning his first written words.

Sometimes I get letters in my mailbox. Letters with "sorry" and "please forgive me" written on them. I don‘t care. There is always her phone number at the bottom of them. I don‘t care. Even after I year I get them from time to time.

But I stand my ground and my principles. I will NOT cheat. I will NOT lie. She will NOT change me into a bitter person, although, to be honest, I am afraid of commitment.

I am not a player, I am just too scared to face this situation again. And I can not even talk this to my friends as I would be looked upon as a "sissy".

Today I got a phone call. A girl simply asked me whether I was free to come to her place for sex. Just like this. And while I love sex, I feel empty inside.

I wonder whether this will be a picture of the rest of my life, or whether there is hope.

Just wonder.

Sorry if I made anyone waste your time, and wish you all the best of luck in your endeavors.

Mark Larsen.

it is not you, you are grand. its her. keep up with the no contact unless you think she did love you. that she is a decent person that made a huge mistake.

you kinda sound like you feel that all the stuff you did for her was insurance against this day coming.

i always say, there are two ways to go. the one doing the loving or the one being loved. being loved is harder, for me, imo.

if you find someone where it is both, you are loved and loving, then hold on to it. i think you loved her and she liked it. with a child in the mix she may have just panicked at the thought of commitment which the apartment represented. maybe you need to have a talk with her and do the closure esp with a child involved that don‘t deserve you just vanishing on him.

maybe she is still in love with the baby‘s father-that happens.

just have the ending with her and cry alittle. you know its over, close it up.

slow down on the empty sex. go slow, recover. stop thinking about what you have to offer and how grand you are. think about what they can offer you-after you are done healing.

I am sorry.

Some women just don‘t know how good they have it or could have it.  It always seems like there is a taker and a giver and honey, you got taken.  I was always the giver too and it wears thin after awhile.  Your relationship might have led to you feeling resentful later on down the line since you were the one doing all the work.  I know it did for me.

You mentioned being 5‘7.  I am a tall woman 5‘10 and have gone out with men shorter than me.  Height really doesn‘t have anything to do with it.  What I find most attractive about a man is his confidence.  Some of the most confident men I have ever met have been shorter than me.  Please do not worry about the height thing.

I hope you find a nice woman who will be good to you.  When I split from my husband, I was convinced no other man would ever want me.  Not true.  I have found a very nice attentive boyfriend.  There is both a physical and emotional connection to this relationship and I am very happy now.  Like the others said, it wasn‘t you--it was her and I hope you can find some peace of mind soon.

SAM

First off. She is the one that lost out. PERIOD!Good men are far and few between.

Most likely she was overwhealmed - and cheated to sabotage herself. That might not make sense to you or me - but for some people sabotaging good things is a way of punishing themselves, yet blame others. That is ofcourse no excuse.

The fact that she still tries to apologize means that she knows she screwed up BAD, she is accepting the blame. Good.

Now to the hard part.

FORGET her. Move on. You are not only punishing her, you are also punishing yourself. Nothing wrong with having a set of morals and ethics and actually LIVE by them. Cudos to you for thatSo you spend a year of "just" having lovers, nothing wrong with that for the most part, except for the fact that you aren‘t really looking for a lover. You are looking for a partner.

Revive an old hobby or get a new one. Get out there ( and I mean not to bars and club but do something you like to do) - you never know what people you might run into and get to know that way.

Good luck

TM

Welcome Mark.

Dont let one terrible woman screw it up for you, 

Sex with out love and emotion is just sex  and in my view extremly over rated.

When you add passion and love  it make it a wonderful experience.

You sound like a wonderful man and be proud of yourself for not wanting to accept less then a perfect relationship!!

Shag

I am proud of you for saying that.  If you quit smoking dope i would mother you!!

I know shally i will behave. 

Hi Mark,  everyone has said what I would say to you.  You sound like a great guy and you will be able to trust again.  Don’t give up.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Keep us posted on how your life is going.  We give great advice!

Dear all,

Thanks for all your words of love and encouragement. Really thanks.

Now I want to take some time to clarify some points of your replies.

- You do realize that she is still controling your life?

Is not really control what she has over me. She is definitely out of my life for good. However, she did change me. That is the problem. Believe it or not I always felt great joy whenever I could go home early and made food for her. I usually prepared her lunchboxes (which I also do for myself) because I did not want either of us to eat unhealthy overpriced things. Now when I invite a date for dinner I cook it mechanically, just as something that has to get done. I think she killed something good in me, something somehow childish and pure.

- keep up with the no contact unless you think she did love you. that she is a decent person that made a huge mistake?

I am sorry but there is no way I will ever go back with her. I don’t love her now, I know that for a fact, because I don’t feel any hate or love towards her. I simply have no feelings. I can guarantee you with my life that me coming back with her is not going to happen. She made a mistake and I am not going to make a bigger mistake by letting her back with me. Please forgive me for having a bit of pride.

- you kinda sound like you feel that all the stuff you did for her was insurance against this day coming

The things I did for her came from my heart. Nor once I told her “look what I did for you and how you pay me back”. I was happy doing all these things and I don’t regret doing any of them. Being a man myself, and knowing men, I wonder how easily will be for her to find someone who truly cares.

- I do not understand why people mess up a good thing

I think maybe I should be a bad thing, trying or pretending not to care. I have experienced that a no caring aptitude make women all the more interested at you. Don’t ask me why as I have no idea myself.

- I understand it when you say that you are afraid to step into another relationship

Yes, I am afraid, I admit it. Call me coward as you please, but I can not bring myself to give 100% of me to someone. Maybe one day I will, but not today.

- Most likely she was overwhealmed - and cheated to sabotage herself. That might not make sense to you or me - but for some people sabotaging good things is a way of punishing themselves, yet blame others. That is ofcourse no excuse.

Very interesting theory. I never saw it that way.

- The fact that she still tries to apologize means that she knows she screwed up BAD, she is accepting the blame. Good.

Well she better sits down if she is waiting for me to take any apologies.

- it beyond my uderstanding how or why people like her do that

Like I said, I was her second prize. She wanted to score with the other guy, so she keep me around in case things would not work out with that one. This is what hurts me the most. Being the second one.

- The fact is, most women are terrified of falling in love with a man only to find out that she was just a one night stand, which is why you won‘t  ever meet the right one for you if you continue having "just lovers"

True, very true, but is not that I am looking for a serious commitment in one night stands. I am just afraid of commit again. In the other hand, I don’t think is bad to very clearly tell a girl she is not going to have anything else but sex with me. Is not working as expected, since they tend to look for a serious relationship with me but I am unprepared now.

How is my life now? well... work is going well, and personal life is going from bed to bed. I do miss taking someone who falls asleep in the sofa to be bed and nurture her like she was a little baby…

Best wishes,

Mark.

Continue to be honest.  Many women will walk.  Let them.  Which means more...your integrity or sex?  (I hear that‘s a stupid question to ask men!  Haha!)Eventually, you will meet one you won‘t want to let go of.

Or....you will find someone who is in the same place you are and you will have found the perfect "friend".

It‘s not you at all! You did a great job! Some men & women are just too caught up in socity and not the real meaning of realtionships. It is very sad!

You are welcome to post here any time.

Dear Mark,

Well, if you ever wanted evidence that there are good women out there that will appreciate a guy like you, just read the thread

I think that you misunderstood what people were saying about your ex still controlling your life. Sounds like you think in concrete terms: that if she is actually represented in your life via presence, only then can she control it.

Maybe a better word is influencing it, since the experience with her, the hurt is preventing you to move on.

And to me it also sounds a bit like you are bashing yourself for being "too nice", so now you respond by going smack over in the other extreme with emty sexual encounters.

Nothing wrong with that, but if thats not what you are looking for in earnest, you become empty and cynical in the long run. Been there myself.

I would stop the whole sex-thing for now. If you are starved for physical contact, get a massage or go to a yoga or spa retreat and meet some people.

As Dr.Phil said about trust: Trust is not about how much you trust the other person, its about how much your trust your own ability to handle a given situation.

There will always be some other guy out there with more money, a bigger dick, a bigger apartment. You need to start to trust your own ability to choose a girl that doesnt look for that. And trust that you can handle if she leaves sagain.

Hugs

Yasmina

"I was mad, but not at him. In a way, I could understand why she went out with him. He was blonde, blue eyed, and 6‘2" tall. I am a 5‘7" green/brown eyed midget. I felt tiny in front of him. I left him without laying a finger on him, and I knew he was scared as even though I was acting very calmly my eyes could not hide the emotional breakdown I was having."


Sorry to save it, but if you for example had a nagging doubt that it would not work out between you two from the start because

you knew she dated taller men in the past and thus liked them more, and ignored it and got married anyway,

you had seen her oggling taller men before or during your marriage, but remained blissfully ignorant anyway,

she was taller than you

you can‘t really say you were a victim until now. Don‘t ever make dumb mistakes again if you made any of the above before. I hope you only did this once. Despite what feminists will tell you, being nice doesn‘t cut it. You have to be taller than women and very muscular as well as being nice. Being nice alone does not cut it. And for shit‘s sake, don‘t be ashamed if you are single. Not everyone is supposed to be paired up despite the propaganda. I hope you picked up on the double standard that if a man is fat, and balding, he shouldn‘t expect to get a mate and yet if a woman is less than attractive, it‘s a tragedy and men are pigs for having standards, yet if an ugly man can‘t get a mate, it‘s nature and he should deal with it.

Remember, there is no gap when it comes to cheating between the sexes and even a poll taken on here said that approximately forty five percent of women who took said poll think that women cheat more. They know the truth and now you do to. Please read this topic in full.
Okay, I can‘t find the topic, I think the mods deleted it. Although it says if I click on my profile and then hit VIEW/DELETE POSTS some posts I made in that topic come up. Nevertheless, here is what I talked about in that topic.
ARE YOU RAISING ANOTHER MAN‘S CHILD
http://men.msn.com/articlemh.aspx?cp-documentid=4725722

If you do start another relationship, I recommend you do paternity tests before signing legally binding papers saying you are a father. Why? Because DNA doesn‘t mean you have to stop supporting a child say after a divorce. And in this article, some male doctors even admit they‘d never tell a man about paternity fraud if they have proof. And also if you manage to buy a paternity kit, you are the bad guy, Because men apparently have a staute of limitations on suspecting their wives of wrongdoing, but women do not have such a staute. Unfair? Well yes, but talk to the feminists.


I highly recommend finding someone shorter than you. Not someone taller. It will never work. If you refuse to accept this reality, and refuse to admit that what I have said about possible warning signs may have ingored, and choose intsead to plow down that road again sometime in the future, then you welcome and invite your own cuckoldry and forfeit any right to complain in the future. You have been forewarned.


Nobody, me included, can help anyone who doesn‘t want to be helped.

Glad I have made myself clear.

What I am going to say is not to be mean or hurtful to your situation but I think it needs to be said.

Ok you were cheated on, your not the first and you won‘t be the last, get over it.

She is controling your life, and you let her. You can blame her all you want for having "just sex" and "not be able to commit" but hun those are your choices. You have allowed what she did to you change you, and only you can get yourself back.

Your words:

"I don’t think is bad to very clearly tell a girl she is not going to have anything else but sex with me. Is not working as expected, since they tend to look for a serious relationship with me but I am unprepared now."

So you know deep down what these women are looking for but you will use them anyways. Honestly look into your heart and heal yourself. You really jumped on her and in my opinon went way overboard, recording phone calls, threatning restraining orders. She is not some crazy woman demanding your attention. She knows she hurt you and she knows she made a huge mistake. She has dealt with it and moved on. However a part of her needs to know your ok. Thats why she emails you every now and then.

Believe it or not forgiving the person that did this to you is not for them it is for you. Go read a few of my posts, here I am one year later happy and content and in a wonderful relationship with a great guy. Why becasue I forgave my ex for all he did to me. That was not for him it was for me and me alone. I have never been happier in my life then I am when I am with him. I could be bitter becasue of the ex but then he wins and I know he would get something out of it knowing I still hold it all against him, and I am not able to move on. He would love that he turned me into that. Well he didn‘t I am stronger now then I have ever been.

MC