WomanSavers.com Forum / MEN'S AREA / Porn and Lies

Hi to all. Recently I was caught by my wife of 1 year, together 2, in a lie. I had a secret e mail account that I was using to look at porn.  I joined a free site and did not read the fine print and had to pay a fee. Because she has all accsess to the bank account, handles it all, she saw the charge. I lied and said that I signed up for nothing because I was ashamed about it all. The reason for the porn was that I was feeling sexually unwanted. I am 25 and she is 30. I am at my peak and she says that she is not there yet. So forced to rely self pleasure. Most of the time i had to pull her for intimacy because she made it feel like it was a chore instead oof desire.

I feel that I have been a good husband for example, I try to spoil her, she doesn‘t work , cleanse and cooks at her will, she has all acsess to assetes and finances, & I tell haow beautiful and sexy she is daily. Also I am very affectionate toward her and sometimes she doesn‘t reciprocate.

because of this lie she felt setrayed and that I had an internet affair in the makes. She has told me many times that she has insecurity issues because she has been cheated on before and that rust and honesty are a must.  I have also been caught in other lies in the past from frivolous purchases to deceit about past relationships. However I constantly reinterate that I WILL NEVER CHEAT ON HER! Because I have been cheated in all my past relationships and would never want anyone to feel the way that I felt.

I trust her completly becasue she has a tendancy to give me way more info. than neccasary about her doings and where abouts.

For example I have joined this website because she showed it to me becasue she doesn‘t beleive that one should have secret web/e mail accounts.

Do you think that I am right in saying that she over re-acted and why would a woman always jump to the conclusion that she has been cheated on?

Thank you all and all questions & comments are welcome.

rams--stands for my wifes full name and then number 1 man. I really do love her.

Lies and deceit will ruin any good relationship.  Is there a reason why you don‘t feel that you can be honest with her?  You can‘t expect to be trusted if you are not honest. 

I don‘t think your wife is overreacting, because you did something sneaky and then you lied about it.  You can‘t expect her not to be upset about that.  At the same time, this would present a prime opportunity to discuss your reasons for doing it - your (lack of) sex life, and your frustration.  But if you do that you can‘t blame her for it.  If you really want to improve things, you need to come clean.  You need to tell her the truth, and you need to be 100% accountable for your actions. 

Most women take the issue of "porn" personally.  There are so many men out there preferring cyber sex to making love to their wives.  There is a lot of on-line cheating going on these days, and it‘s been the ruin of quite a few marriages.  I can see why she feels insecure.

It‘s time for you to open up to her.  She also needs to listen to you and needs to be open to your point of view.  If she loves you, she should want to please you.  There is not such an age difference here that she should have lost her libido.  There is more going on with her than she is telling. Is it possible that she‘s not enjoying it? 

I still don‘t understand what warrants a "Rare man Award"? 

Is it like a good thing?

Or do you just have to be a man that posts on this site?

Insight please because I‘m just not getting it!

DoktorGreg, I beg to differ with you.

You don‘t have to agree with my advice or even like it, but if you are going to participate on the boards, try using a little tact and diplomacy.  Saying "enough of this crap" is tasteless, offensive, and rude.  And no - I am not going to take it to the Boxing Ring, because there is nothing more that I need to say about it.  Show some manners.  We don‘t have to see the issue from the same point of view, but I think we can agree to be respectful.

I don‘t think any of us are qualified to tell this man he needs to get a divorce. We don‘t know enough about their relationship to make that determination. Maybe that will be the outcome for all we know, but it sounds to me as though he loves his wife, and wants to work things out.  I respect that.  If it were a situation involving domestic violence, I would see it differently. He came here asking for our point of view, so we are giving it. The way I look at it, he has more than one perspective to choose from, and the final decision is going to be his - based on what‘s right for him.

I am sure you are right that all men masturbate, and I am sure the men I was married to "satisfied themselves" as well.  It was a non-issue in my relationships, because it did not interfere with the sex life we had.  The difference was, they weren‘t joining sites, meeting women over the Internet, and lying about what they were doing.  Well...I will make one exception to that - the last husband was a trucker, but he picked up women at truck stops.

There can be a lot of reasons for a "sexless marriage" and I think Ramsnmber1man needs to find out what those reasons are.  Is it painful for her?  Is she not enjoying it?  Has it ever been good?  Is she tired, sick, or stressed out?  Or does she just not enjoy sex?  Is she a lesbian and not attracted to men?  I think it is worth getting some answers before chucking the marriage.  It sounds to me like she‘s been avoiding it, and there is always a reason for that. 

Anyway, Ram, for what it‘s worth, that‘s my two cents on it.  Maybe seeing a marriage counselor would help.

thank you. the point that I was trying to make is that I LIED TO MY WIFE. She doesn‘t care about the masturbation she cares that I lied to her about the secret e mail account that I had to look at the porn. We have sex on average 4 to 5 times a week and yes I would like it to be 8 however there were and are times that there would be lapses of up to 2 weeks. But I do not feel that her being upset about my lies justifies my leaving which again I will not do. I just wanted to find how to correct my mistake and make her feel more secure.

So thanks again Rhiannon for your points I think that DoktorGreg misread the blog and therefore came up with his response.

Look I‘ve caught my husband doing the same thing.  He lied to me about it until I actually had a print out of his profile on a few dating sites.  After 4 years he has still not come clean or answered any of my questions.  Like why, did he meet any of them, etc.  My point is, even after 4 years I still don‘t trust him.  Trust is something you earn and every little lie, whether trivial or not, just reinforces the fact she still can‘t trust you.  Just tell the truth!  She loves you,  appartently if she is still there, and willing to work things out.  If you continue to lie even about the smallest things then that just reinforces the fact that she can‘t trust you. 

Its just my opinion.

Whoa up! Dokter Greg! This is sarcasm I hope?

Since you have gotten caught lieing to your wife she will naturally not trust you.  If she had lied to you, you would feel the same if you didn‘t understand "why" she lied to you.

She has been cheated on before.  She may be scared to death that this will happen to her again.  You need to sit down and explain to her truthfully your feelings, and why you felt the need to lie to her about the porn.  You also need to explain why you wanted the porn in the first place.  Offer her any thing she needs to prove this.  Your email passwords etc. It doesn‘t seem that she is upset that you looked at porn, just the fact that you lied to her and hid something from her.  Most men don‘t understand that we don‘t get upset about most of the things you think we will as long as we feel that we are at one with you.  We like to feel connected to you, because you are our life-long partner.  When we catch you in a lie (especially from a woman who has been lied to in the worst way) it makes us feel that you are not connected to us anymore.

She is 5 years older than you.  Trust me, I think she married a younger man because she liked the sex and the attention.  I married a younger man for the exact same purpose.  You two need to sit down and have some heart to hearts.

Good luck!

I would suspect that you wife is unaffectionate with you and unwilling to have sex because she lacks the feeling of comfort and intimacy that a trusting relationship brings. You lie to her, you‘ve said this... if my girlfriend regularly lied to me then i‘d be thinking about that more than i‘d be thinking of sex.

Regardless of what the lies were, how justified you were, or whatever... you‘re a liar, and that is the main problem.

The cool thing though, is that liars can change. However, from your description it seems that the damage has already been done here...

Bend her over, stick it in her ass and tell her to bark like the dog she is. Women are meant to be submissive. Be a man and get the job done and stop relying on technology.

Dr. Phil

In answer to your question, no, she isn‘t overreacting as far as being upset that you are looking at porn.  She is overreacting about thinking you are cheating.

What does a woman suggest a man do if she will not have sex with him?  I would never seek sex outside of my marriage, even after finding out she hasn‘t been faithful to me in the past.  Nothing wrong with having to pleasure yourself...I mean, if your wife won‘t help you out there, you have no choice.  Hell, when my wife didn‘t have sex with me for a while, I just told her..."ok then, I‘ll be downstairs jacking off"....then the funniest thing...she‘d ask me, "do you think about me when you do that?".....LOL  Ever tried to fantasize about a woman that won‘t have sex with you?

If she has caught you in lies in the past though, even though they are little white lies, you aren‘t building up much trust for yourself.

Here is what I would do...just simply ask her.  "If you won‘t have sex with me...what do you suggest I do?"  And no...NEVER cheat.  That is not an option.