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| beths321 |
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Posted: 12/30/2009 10:07 AM |
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Subject: Need advice desperately. 21 years old, married 5 months. is this cheating and should i divorce him? |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 21
Total Posts: 1
denver
Colorado
United States
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Ok so this might get a little long but I want to give the background
info necessary to understand the situation. I met David in high school,
we dated for about 3 years and we loved each other a lot, but he got
involved in drugs and trouble with the law, and things went down hill and I
couldn‘t take it anymore so I left him. I wound up dating and living
with a guy for two years (who I didn‘t even love, but he was company
and kept my mind off David through those hard times), and he dated
another girl for about the same length of time. We talked occasionally,
and we both still loved each other but I knew if I took him back
eventually things would go bad again.
Well after being apart for 2 years, he decided he needed to get his
life back on track and joined the Marines. Now when I heard that I knew
he was serious about changing because that is a big step for anyone to
take, but especially him because of his party-all-the-time lifestyle.
So after he was in for about 6 months we got in contact again and I
could tell he was changed...he was more mature, and was motivated and
had ambition. We realized we never stopped loving each other and long
story short we both dumped the people we were with and got married
(about 3 months after we got re-connected). It may sound silly but we
just knew that we were meant to be together, after so long we still had
the same feelings for each other and the whole time apart neither of us
went a day without thinking of the other.
So we‘ve been married about 5 months now, we don‘t live together yet
because he is finishing up his school/job training but I have visited
him 3 times where he‘s stationed and he‘s come home twice. Everything
was great, I was happier than I‘d been since before we broke up and I
was so grateful for the way things turned out and fate brought us back
together. It felt like my life was finally coming back together.
Well I went and visited him for Christmas break and everything was
perfect, magical..it was so nice to see him again and I was extremely
happy to be there. Then the night before I was leaving to go home, he
was taking a nap and he got a text message from one of our friends who
was going to be meeting us for dinner that night so I opened it to see
if he was on his way so I could wake my husband up or whatever... I
still don‘t know what made me do it, but I looked through his texts. I
trusted him and I don‘t usually do things like that, I respect his
privacy but for some reason I went through them and found some things
that made me sick to my stomach. He had sent messages to two different
girls,(they were sent a while ago, but we were married) one of them
said "call me, u kno u love me" and the other (and this makes me sick
even writing it) was a picture of his penis with the caption "thinking
of u". I went absolutely crazy, I woke him up with a punch to the face
and just started screaming and hitting him like a mad-woman. I don‘t
have to go into detail how I was feeling, but the feeling hasn‘t really
left me yet. He says these are two girls he hooked up with before we
started talking again, and they weren‘t even on the same base as him
anymore (they were in the Navy). When I asked him why he would do that
he said it was just "exciting and he liked to get a reaction from them"
and that they asked for the picture he didn‘t just send it to them...
Nothing he said could make me feel better or that it was ok, but I‘m so
confused as to what I should do now. He said he hasn‘t slept with them
or anyone since we‘ve been back together and I don‘t know what to
believe. I know he loves me, but I don‘t understand how he could do
that to me, I could never think of doing anything like that to him. He
also had a bunch of pictures of naked girls that he sent to his
brother, and his brother would send pics of girls he had...
Well I was leaving the next day and at the airport he (continued) to
apologize and say he loved me and didn‘t mean to hurt me, that it was
all in fun and he would never cheat on me etc. etc. and being that I
wasn‘t going to see him for another 2 months or so, I didn‘t want the
last goodbye to be on such a bad note so I hugged him, told him I loved
him too but was so hurt by this, he knows how bad he hurt me and he is
sorry, but what do I do now? Do I divorce him? I love him with all my
heart and want to be with him and I wish I never saw that, but how can
I trust him ever again? How can I get past this and try and have a
healthy relationship when I can‘t stop thinking about this? Please
help, I don‘t know what I should do and I feel like I‘m letting him
think everything is ok and it‘s not even a big deal since we are on ok
terms now and pretty much pretending like it didn‘t even happen (we‘ve
talked on the phone since and didn‘t bring it up, because I don‘t know
what else to say that hasn‘t been said). So what now??? How can I stop
this from hurting so bad and is there any way we can have a happy
marriage after something like this?
I‘m sorry this is so long, but if anyone had the patience to get through this, please give me your advice! Thank you.
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| Wire |
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Posted: 12/30/2009 7:35 PM |
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Subject: Need advice desperately. 21 years old, married 5 months. is this cheating and should i divorce him? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Male Member
Age: 22
.gif)
Total Posts: 1934
Chicago
Illinois
United States
offline
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You both seem to have personal issues that need to be worked out before either of you would be able to have a healthy long-term relationship, with anyone.
I dated someone for 3 years once and the breakup was a long time coming. I waited for 2 months before I decided to start dating again, and my ex was outraged that I would decide to try again. I think 2 months is plenty of time.
I would never date a woman who thought (or felt) that any form of violence, aside from genuine self-defense in a life-or-death situation. I‘ve been there and I‘ve had enough of that.
I keep in contact with my ex and there‘s always this lingering thought in the back of my mind that is telling me that she is "The One" and all that romantic goodness. But "The One" is anybody who is on the same level of personal, social, intimate and public consciousness as you are. Statistically speaking, there are an estimated 10,000 soulmates on this planet for any given person.
So now, while I look back fondly on the good times we had in the beginning, our roads are parting. She is into metal, gore and drug abuse. I want no part of that lifestyle anymore. It‘s simply too harsh and unnecessary.
If you want to continue to try making this relationship work out, keep your eyes open. I think it can work out, possibly. But at the same time, I think you need to be honest with yourself and admit that marriage is just a contract. In a person‘s heart (or pants) there is simply a larger world than just you now. That world started to come into play when you two broke up the first time. Don‘t invest all your emotional energy into making this work. There is a good chance you will be crushed if you do.
Oh, and use protection. That‘s always important.
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 1/27/2010 6:54 PM |
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Subject: Need advice desperately. 21 years old, married 5 months. is this cheating and should i divorce him? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1667
dublin
Ireland
offline
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| beths321 wrote: |
Ok so this might get a little long but I want to give the background info necessary to understand the situation. I met David in high school, we dated for about 3 years and we loved each other a lot, but he got involved in drugs and trouble with the law, and things went down hill and I couldn‘t take it anymore so I left him. I wound up dating and living with a guy for two years (who I didn‘t even love, but he was company and kept my mind off David through those hard times), and he dated another girl for about the same length of time. We talked occasionally, and we both still loved each other but I knew if I took him back eventually things would go bad again.
Well after being apart for 2 years, he decided he needed to get his life back on track and joined the Marines. Now when I heard that I knew he was serious about changing because that is a big step for anyone to take, but especially him because of his party-all-the-time lifestyle. So after he was in for about 6 months we got in contact again and I could tell he was changed...he was more mature, and was motivated and had ambition. We realized we never stopped loving each other and long story short we both dumped the people we were with and got married (about 3 months after we got re-connected). It may sound silly but we just knew that we were meant to be together, after so long we still had the same feelings for each other and the whole time apart neither of us went a day without thinking of the other.
So we‘ve been married about 5 months now, we don‘t live together yet because he is finishing up his school/job training but I have visited him 3 times where he‘s stationed and he‘s come home twice. Everything was great, I was happier than I‘d been since before we broke up and I was so grateful for the way things turned out and fate brought us back together. It felt like my life was finally coming back together.
Well I went and visited him for Christmas break and everything was perfect, magical..it was so nice to see him again and I was extremely happy to be there. Then the night before I was leaving to go home, he was taking a nap and he got a text message from one of our friends who was going to be meeting us for dinner that night so I opened it to see if he was on his way so I could wake my husband up or whatever... I still don‘t know what made me do it, but I looked through his texts. I trusted him and I don‘t usually do things like that, I respect his privacy but for some reason I went through them and found some things that made me sick to my stomach. He had sent messages to two different girls,(they were sent a while ago, but we were married) one of them said "call me, u kno u love me" and the other (and this makes me sick even writing it) was a picture of his penis with the caption "thinking of u". I went absolutely crazy, I woke him up with a punch to the face and just started screaming and hitting him like a mad-woman. I don‘t have to go into detail how I was feeling, but the feeling hasn‘t really left me yet. He says these are two girls he hooked up with before we started talking again, and they weren‘t even on the same base as him anymore (they were in the Navy). When I asked him why he would do that he said it was just "exciting and he liked to get a reaction from them" and that they asked for the picture he didn‘t just send it to them... Nothing he said could make me feel better or that it was ok, but I‘m so confused as to what I should do now. He said he hasn‘t slept with them or anyone since we‘ve been back together and I don‘t know what to believe. I know he loves me, but I don‘t understand how he could do that to me, I could never think of doing anything like that to him. He also had a bunch of pictures of naked girls that he sent to his brother, and his brother would send pics of girls he had...
Well I was leaving the next day and at the airport he (continued) to apologize and say he loved me and didn‘t mean to hurt me, that it was all in fun and he would never cheat on me etc. etc. and being that I wasn‘t going to see him for another 2 months or so, I didn‘t want the last goodbye to be on such a bad note so I hugged him, told him I loved him too but was so hurt by this, he knows how bad he hurt me and he is sorry, but what do I do now? Do I divorce him? I love him with all my heart and want to be with him and I wish I never saw that, but how can I trust him ever again? How can I get past this and try and have a healthy relationship when I can‘t stop thinking about this? Please help, I don‘t know what I should do and I feel like I‘m letting him think everything is ok and it‘s not even a big deal since we are on ok terms now and pretty much pretending like it didn‘t even happen (we‘ve talked on the phone since and didn‘t bring it up, because I don‘t know what else to say that hasn‘t been said). So what now??? How can I stop this from hurting so bad and is there any way we can have a happy marriage after something like this?
I‘m sorry this is so long, but if anyone had the patience to get through this, please give me your advice! Thank you.
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Something made you look through those messages...your woman‘s intuition. You sensed something was "off". I know...I‘ve done it myself.
What you found must have been absolutely horrific, and I can understand that you must be feeling gutted right now. What I can‘t understand is how you are both pretending everything is ok now...how is that grounds for a stable marriage?
First and foremost you have GOT to be honest about how you feel....it doesn‘t have to be aggressive or hostile, just honest. You don‘t trust him...and thats ok, your trust has been broken. You have to think long and hard about whether you want to be in this relationship anymore and you have to have that discussion with your husband. If you do decide to stay, it will have to be because you are willing to trust him again...and if I were you, I‘d hold off on trusting him just right now until he‘s proven that he can be trusted...so far he hasn‘t.
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| shelbelle |
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Posted: 1/27/2010 7:59 PM |
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Subject: Need advice desperately. 21 years old, married 5 months. is this cheating and should i divorce him? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 23
Total Posts: 1391
lalaland
North Carolina
United States
offline
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Send Note
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| bubblecropper wrote: |
| beths321 wrote: |
Ok so this might get a little long but I want to give the background info necessary to understand the situation. I met David in high school, we dated for about 3 years and we loved each other a lot, but he got involved in drugs and trouble with the law, and things went down hill and I couldn‘t take it anymore so I left him. I wound up dating and living with a guy for two years (who I didn‘t even love, but he was company and kept my mind off David through those hard times), and he dated another girl for about the same length of time. We talked occasionally, and we both still loved each other but I knew if I took him back eventually things would go bad again.
Well after being apart for 2 years, he decided he needed to get his life back on track and joined the Marines. Now when I heard that I knew he was serious about changing because that is a big step for anyone to take, but especially him because of his party-all-the-time lifestyle. So after he was in for about 6 months we got in contact again and I could tell he was changed...he was more mature, and was motivated and had ambition. We realized we never stopped loving each other and long story short we both dumped the people we were with and got married (about 3 months after we got re-connected). It may sound silly but we just knew that we were meant to be together, after so long we still had the same feelings for each other and the whole time apart neither of us went a day without thinking of the other.
So we‘ve been married about 5 months now, we don‘t live together yet because he is finishing up his school/job training but I have visited him 3 times where he‘s stationed and he‘s come home twice. Everything was great, I was happier than I‘d been since before we broke up and I was so grateful for the way things turned out and fate brought us back together. It felt like my life was finally coming back together.
Well I went and visited him for Christmas break and everything was perfect, magical..it was so nice to see him again and I was extremely happy to be there. Then the night before I was leaving to go home, he was taking a nap and he got a text message from one of our friends who was going to be meeting us for dinner that night so I opened it to see if he was on his way so I could wake my husband up or whatever... I still don‘t know what made me do it, but I looked through his texts. I trusted him and I don‘t usually do things like that, I respect his privacy but for some reason I went through them and found some things that made me sick to my stomach. He had sent messages to two different girls,(they were sent a while ago, but we were married) one of them said "call me, u kno u love me" and the other (and this makes me sick even writing it) was a picture of his penis with the caption "thinking of u". I went absolutely crazy, I woke him up with a punch to the face and just started screaming and hitting him like a mad-woman. I don‘t have to go into detail how I was feeling, but the feeling hasn‘t really left me yet. He says these are two girls he hooked up with before we started talking again, and they weren‘t even on the same base as him anymore (they were in the Navy). When I asked him why he would do that he said it was just "exciting and he liked to get a reaction from them" and that they asked for the picture he didn‘t just send it to them... Nothing he said could make me feel better or that it was ok, but I‘m so confused as to what I should do now. He said he hasn‘t slept with them or anyone since we‘ve been back together and I don‘t know what to believe. I know he loves me, but I don‘t understand how he could do that to me, I could never think of doing anything like that to him. He also had a bunch of pictures of naked girls that he sent to his brother, and his brother would send pics of girls he had...
Well I was leaving the next day and at the airport he (continued) to apologize and say he loved me and didn‘t mean to hurt me, that it was all in fun and he would never cheat on me etc. etc. and being that I wasn‘t going to see him for another 2 months or so, I didn‘t want the last goodbye to be on such a bad note so I hugged him, told him I loved him too but was so hurt by this, he knows how bad he hurt me and he is sorry, but what do I do now? Do I divorce him? I love him with all my heart and want to be with him and I wish I never saw that, but how can I trust him ever again? How can I get past this and try and have a healthy relationship when I can‘t stop thinking about this? Please help, I don‘t know what I should do and I feel like I‘m letting him think everything is ok and it‘s not even a big deal since we are on ok terms now and pretty much pretending like it didn‘t even happen (we‘ve talked on the phone since and didn‘t bring it up, because I don‘t know what else to say that hasn‘t been said). So what now??? How can I stop this from hurting so bad and is there any way we can have a happy marriage after something like this?
I‘m sorry this is so long, but if anyone had the patience to get through this, please give me your advice! Thank you.
|
Something made you look through those messages...your woman‘s intuition. You sensed something was "off". I know...I‘ve done it myself.
What you found must have been absolutely horrific, and I can understand that you must be feeling gutted right now. What I can‘t understand is how you are both pretending everything is ok now...how is that grounds for a stable marriage?
First and foremost you have GOT to be honest about how you feel....it doesn‘t have to be aggressive or hostile, just honest. You don‘t trust him...and thats ok, your trust has been broken. You have to think long and hard about whether you want to be in this relationship anymore and you have to have that discussion with your husband. If you do decide to stay, it will have to be because you are willing to trust him again...and if I were you, I‘d hold off on trusting him just right now until he‘s proven that he can be trusted...so far he hasn‘t. |
ding ding ding! Bubble got it so right!
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