WomanSavers.com Forum / INSPIRATION FOR WOMEN / Husband Resisting Divorce

I watched for over a year quietly as he had relationships behind my back, displaying some signs of a cheating husband; the cellphone always off at home and minutes disappearing and the same phone numbers showing up before he thought to delete them.  I  got to hate him and hoped to split and never talk to him again except for his having to see our child.  And I know he‘s done this thing behind my back on and off for at least 8 years as well; maybe more because I didn‘t even think to check. 

Well, I served him and he acts like he‘s making a complete turnaround, though still doesn‘t totally follow through or procrastinates, another problem of his.  He has been so accommodating to me I‘m practically tripping over him.  I really resent this.  I had made other friendships and had visions of my new life and friends.   I wasn‘t expecting this from him and now I am having a hard time dealing with it all. 

How do you say goodbye when someone‘s crying  and pleading and showering you with consideration?  I feel almost as if I did something evil and this is my punishment.  Worse than his having cheated; not letting me out of his life already; me saying he‘ll find someone else and he‘s saying he won‘t ; well he managed to have 3 women behind my back... I can‘t deal with confrontations... sometimes I wish I were dead already.  Even went to a counselor and said I wish he‘d just appreciate the 22 years he had with me and let me go.

  I am not sure what I am supposed to do now that he‘s been served; the lawyer hasn‘t really prepared me as to what I‘m supposed to do either.  I don‘t know if I could just move out... it‘s MY house btw. 

Of course he is kissing your butt right now.  He is about lose his cake!  He wants you to take care of him, his home, his child.  He doesn‘t want to loose his comfy slippers.  He also does not regret what he has done.  He regrets that he got caught red handed and you are not going to let him walk all over you. 

I hope you check back in.  I would love to know if you followed through.

Hi Toohappy!  Sorry it took me so long to respond to your thread.

I call them crocodile tears.  Like Busty said, he‘s afraid of losing his cake AND his comfy house slippers!  (Good one, Busty)

I‘ve been through this quite a few times.  (Married & divorced more than once, and have had a few other relationships)  Any man who cheats on you - with 3 different women - does not have respect for you, or for the vows of marriage.  He is "oh so sorry" now because he got caught, and because he knows he doesn‘t have a leg to stand on.  He knows he‘s about to lose everything, and his best chance now is to make you feel sorry for him, and to make you feel guilty.  I remember the "pathetic sad eyes" quite well, and the promises to change. 

I say he should have thought about the consequences before he unzipped his pants.

Don‘t fall for it.  You‘re taking charge of your life, and you‘re taking back your dignity, and claiming your self respect.  You go, Girl!

Of course, this is a traumatic decision.  22 years of marriage is a long time.  It‘s sad and depressing.  Even the worst of marriages offer a certain amount of security.  It is pretty hard to let go of the emotional investment.  I am sure there isn‘t a woman here who can‘t relate to your anguish.

I have found, though, that men rarely change.  And I do believe you deserve much, much better!

Consult your attorney about what comes next.  Getting some counseling - while you are going through all this - can help deal with the grieving process.  And continue to post here!  You will find that that there are many of us who‘ve been through the same things.

Welcome to Womansavers!

Thanks Rhiannon;

Whenever I have doubts I should reread this thread!

Right now I am just too exhausted from life to procede and things here are calm at the moment so it‘s not pushing me out, and places to live are very expensive despite the economic downturns.  It just seems that life is so complicated and overwhelming that I can barely keep up with all that I have to do; the junk mail keeps coming at me daily, the doctors‘ appointments, work, car maintenance, child care, chores.  So nothing is pushing me out immediately.  Though I can hardly stand the clutter that I keep getting promised that will be taken care of and just sits and sits and can‘t stand to look at it.  What I am doing in the meantime is trying to simplify or get rid of whatever excesses are overwhelming me at home.  I am going for a counseling appointment this afternoon and will see if I can get more help.  Thanks again.  I am not really monitoring the husband any more.  He does seem to be behaving for the most part but I don‘t really care; I wish he would just vaporize.

I understand....

This economy is making me feel like not making a move yet until I see some form of stabilization out there.  Everyone‘s jobs are feeling shaky.  I just can‘t seem to picture how coordinating child care can be achieved; feeling confused.   At least it‘s not many years until he‘s 18. 

I know; mine‘s still trying to act perfect.  But there‘s still a creepiness about it all and about him; if I mention what he was doing, despite his prior admission that he was wrong, he now seems to go back to acting like he did nothing he shouldn‘t have been doing.   And all the lovey dovey stuff, but when I resist he‘s quick to say, if I don‘t like the way he is, go to your mother... but just so happens it‘s MY house and I have a responsibility toward it too.  Just don‘t know where my life‘s going right now.

I understand....

This economy is making me feel like not making a move yet until I see some form of stabilization out there.  Everyone‘s jobs are feeling shaky.  I just can‘t seem to picture how coordinating child care can be achieved; feeling confused.   At least it‘s not many years until he‘s 18. 

I know; mine‘s still trying to act perfect.  But there‘s still a creepiness about it all and about him; if I mention what he was doing, despite his prior admission that he was wrong, he now seems to go back to acting like he did nothing he shouldn‘t have been doing.   And all the lovey dovey stuff, but when I resist he‘s quick to say, if I don‘t like the way he is, go to your mother... but just so happens it‘s MY house and I have a responsibility toward it too.  Just don‘t know where my life‘s going right now.

I understand....

This economy is making me feel like not making a move yet until I see some form of stabilization out there.  Everyone‘s jobs are feeling shaky.  I just can‘t seem to picture how coordinating child care can be achieved; feeling confused.   At least it‘s not many years until he‘s 18. 

I know; mine‘s still trying to act perfect.  But there‘s still a creepiness about it all and about him; if I mention what he was doing, despite his prior admission that he was wrong, he now seems to go back to acting like he did nothing he shouldn‘t have been doing.   And all the lovey dovey stuff, but when I resist he‘s quick to say, if I don‘t like the way he is, go to your mother... but just so happens it‘s MY house and I have a responsibility toward it too.  Just don‘t know where my life‘s going right now.

The economy - and the finances - are not enough reason to stay. 

The fears you feel about stepping out on your own after many years of marriage are totally and completely normal.  It is normal, also, to have fears about completely supporting yourself, without any back-up from a man.  And it is normal to worry about the services a husband normally provides in a marriage, even if it‘s simple things like changing the car oil, checking tires on the car, or cleaning the gutters.  Women have been conditioned to depend on men for many things, and we‘ve been told all our lives that "a woman needs a man."

It is understandable that you may feel very apprehensive, and that you "don‘t really have to do anything right now" because he seems to be "on good behavior" which removes the urgency to get out.  After all, your safety isn‘t compromised, and he probably isn‘t going to beat the hell out of you, which means your life isn‘t in danger.  It is natural to think that you might be able to "coast" for a while.

He knows you are hesitant and afraid to take the leap, and he‘s banking on it.  He is waiting for you to completely relax, decide that leaving is too much trouble, and that you might as well stay - for the lifestyle - if not for love.  That works for him, because that‘s what he‘s been doing for quite a long time now.  He will continue doing just that as long as you stay.

You have to be careful with this - because procrastinating leads to staying.  Six months turns into a year.  A year turns into two years.  Two years turns into another ten.  You may be unhappy.  You may even be angry or miserable.  But the fact is, you‘re staying because you are afraid of the unknown.

Even the worst marriage offers a certain amount of security.

I know many women who have settled for this life, and it is not the same thing as happiness.  It is being addicted to security and taking the path of least resistance.  It is also settling for a life of emotional abuse, which is one of the things that cheating is.

What we say to ourselves when we do this is that we do not deserve a life of dignity and self respect. 

I don‘t care how much your husband weeps.  They are crocodile tears.  If you weren‘t good enough for "good behavior" all those years when you devoted yourself to him, it truly means nothing now. 

I am not saying that you are promised happiness if you leave.  I am not saying it won‘t be scary, or that it won‘t be hard, or that the adjustments won‘t be difficult.  I will tell you that there is dignity in no longer putting up with the unacceptable.  There is peace of mind and self respect in saying, "No more!"  And you‘d be surprised how much you can accomplish all on your own. 

Yes, thank you. 

I know.  I‘m seen as ripping the family apart, should I go.  Right, I don‘t know if I will necessarily be happier if I go; just a different reason to not be happy.  I just feel like I can‘t do anything but coast for now, because of lack of strength.  I know of many who procrastinated who eventually got out.  I do know of one woman who is making similar preparations like I am making, and really seems to have her act together, but has no definite date of departure; I think she‘s just moving toward the goal and when she‘s finished with whatever business she‘s working on, will make the move.   And husband seems to be more devoted to me even though I am way worse to him than I ever have been, like ignoring him and being intolerant of things he does.  Maybe some men need a woman who gives them flack.

If you are staying to pay off debt - and using his income to do it - I can understand that.  If you are building a "nest egg" to save money for the big event, I understand that, too.  You will need money when you leave.  The problem with that is that your husband will be able to say you "used him for his income" and he would be right.  However, I do understand that. But how much money do you need, and how much is enough? Is there anything you can sell? 

I have known many women to stay in bad marriages because they thought it was "too late" to start over, and they thought they were "too old" to make a change.  I know others who thought that living in a humiliating relationship was better than facing poverty.  So they stayed and settled out of fear of the unknown.

I have one aunt in particular who did this, and I could see - over the years - how it just took the life out of her.  She was once a lively, pretty, vivacious woman.  My uncle is now in a nursing home, and she barely goes to visit him.  When he was in the home, they didn‘t even talk to each other.  She had her life, and he had his.  I question how happy her "lifestyle" made her in the end.

I would take a good look at your husband and repeat to yourself "three women."  One woman is bad enough, but we cut someone slack for "making a mistake" with one woman. There could be any number of excuses for slipping once. Three? He‘s a habitual cheater. Do you really believe he‘s sincere?  He knows his ass is grass.  If there was ever a time to turn on the charm and act "devoted" this is it!  He instinctively knows this is all you wanted all along - a devoted husband.  It is his only way of convincing you to stay, and I say don‘t fall for it.  He‘s been blatantly unfair to you, and I don‘t think you can trust him.  Anyone can be "sorry" for getting caught. 

Of course, no one wants you to break up the family.  Change is unsettling for everyone.  No kids usually want to see their parents divorce.  It‘s unsettling to friends and extended family, too.  But you also have to be true to yourself.  Your happiness matters.  Life is short.  You only get one crack at it.  People are more important than saving relationships.

I can tell you that change can be invigorating, and it feels wonderful to act in your own best interests, and to say "No!" to unacceptable behavior.  You deserve more out of life than someone who lies to you, and screws around behind your back while you‘re doing their cooking, laundry, and taking care of their home and children.  You deserve more than lies and deceit.

Hi;

I hope it‘s not sounding like I‘m making excuses either.  You don‘t know how I truly appreciate your encouragment.   I am not feeling very well; just very drained... anything I say about leaving gets countered.... it drains me further.  I could just pick up and leave, I suppose... PLUS I am not using any of his money to pay off any debt.  I don‘t have debt other than a mortgage, and payments for that come out of my personal brokerage account.  And he pays the household bills now; didn‘t hardly pay for a thing until his recent job he got 4 years ago.  I pay for auto insurance and some odds and ends.   I think you can say... wherever you turn, all of a sudden, everyone‘s afraid for their jobs, afraid for their housing situations, not sure where the country is going; won‘t buy a house, won‘t change jobs; wondering if they‘ll still have a job long term; wondering if rentals and home prices will be going down much further, etc....... and so many are waiting for the dust to settle, and in a way that‘s also what I feel I am doing for the time being.... I had investment income that I have received mailings saying the payments are either delayed or suspended; and so I‘m not feeling super confident at the moment; I think I still will have no problem keeping a decent income if I can stay healthy.  I thank you so much for your input.

TooHappy:  I apologize if my posts sound judgmental. 

I can completely relate to your apprehension about the economy, and the uncertainty that we all face right now.  You can‘t turn on the news without being bombarded with bad news.  People are scared, and that influences a lot of our decision making.

This is the way a typical domestic violence victim feels when she contemplates leaving an abuser.  How is she going to take care of herself?  How will she provide for her kids?  The prospect and the fear of the unknown can be really overwhelming. 

I won‘t give you any more advice on this.  Please continue to post if you need a listening ear or moral support while you decide for yourself how you want to proceed with your life.  I wish you well however it turns out!  Best of luck to you!