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MESSAGE
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| old crone |
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Posted: 8/14/2008 10:49 AM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 55
Total Posts: 12
Toronto
Canada
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That‘s right! I was cleaning my closet today and I was finally ready (and able) to throw out all the notes, collected evidence, journals etc that I had been so carefully packed away for all these years. They are now bagged and sitting on the curb - soon to be gone forever.
It‘s been a long journey, which started 12 years ago when I first found this forum. Today I feel that chapter in my life has finally and totally ended and therefore only appropriate that I return here and give my final update and give anyone going through the effects of an affair at this time, a glimpse at my life 12 years on. Although the exact words, actions and reactions have faded the vague, the raw emotions, feelings of desparation and the inability to make them stop are still vivid in my mind. I will never forget the pain. Never! The good news is however, it no longer invades my daily life.
Quick recap: I was married for 20 years, staying at home raising 3 young boys (7, 12, 14). I lived a very financially and emotionally comfortable life. DH was a successful, driven business man. We were living our dream until I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. My husband was having an affair with my 22yr old niece and as it turned out it was not his first. (although he still denies it) My reality was shattered. I trusted no one, not even myself. Nothing in my life was absolute. I could count on nothing.
I had no control and no security.
I stayed with my husband. A decision that I questioned for years, but my decison none the less. The affair had reprocussions on our relationship for many years. I kept me angry and drove me into a state of depression. It made me feel extremely vunerable and cautious. It kept me apart. For the longest time I felt like an observer of my life instead of a participant. Slowly the anger began to disappear. I realized I could either wallow in my dispair or I could accept the fact that I had a lot of living to do and not squander it. To be honest, I just got tired of being sad.
Despite my resolve there were many set backs. Try as I might the past would rear itself from time to time. When things weren‘t going great with my husband it was very easy to become suspecious. I was very aware that I had missed the signals before and swore I‘d never be caught off guard again. I certainly became more independant and less reliant on my husband in general. I learned to identify myself as an individual first, a mother and wife second. I definately discovered my voice. I learned I had my own power and strength.
So here I am, August 2008. I know longer worry about my husband cheating. I know am strong enough to handle it however I want. I am not afraid of making the wrong decsion. I am not afraid of being on my own. Fear is not a factor. I have 100% forgiven my husband. We have new dreams of growing old together. That is my wish. We are comfortable and content with each other. We accept each other - warts and all. However, I also accept the fact that there are no guarentees in life. Nothing is predictable. Hope for the best but watch for the curve balls!
I wish everyone here only the best and brightest futures. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If it seems like a never ending journey back just remember you can‘t go back - the journey has to be forward.
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| uberbeotch |
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Posted: 8/20/2008 1:34 PM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 478
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Total Posts: 1240
In a Dark Castle
Belarus
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Thank you for sharing your story. Wow, I had no idea this forum has been here for 12 years (or more?).
As a maturing woman myself, I can say that as we age, we grow into ourselves. As I have grown up, I have become less dependant on men & more reliant on myself. At this point in my life, I don‘t need a man for anything, and I am OK being on my own.
You have taken a harder journey, IMO. You have chosen to stay & work thru the issues, rather than leaving them behind. This all worked out for you in the long run - how blessed you are!
I think your situation is the exception, rather than the rule. You are fortunate.
Best wishes on your continuing journey!
UB
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| old crone |
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Posted: 8/21/2008 7:37 AM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 55
Total Posts: 12
Toronto
Canada
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Thank YOU for reading! I‘m not sure how long this forum has been around. When I found it is was called "Man Haters". "Woman Savers" is a much more accurate description. I know it was for me.
Maturation does have a huge influence on how one handles life‘s challenges. I was in my early 40‘s at the time of my husband‘s affair. Had I been 20 or 30 I‘m sure my decisions would have been different. Better, worse? Impossible to say. I do know that my children were a prime concern and ultimately I felt I had to do what was best for them at the time. It would have been very easy, understandable and acceptable to end our marriage. I could have walked away with the full support of friends and family. I know that. However, I did resist. I was aware that my judgement was being compromised by emotions that I had never experienced or felt before and I was struggling to cope and maintain some sort of control. I feel that my maturity allowed me to recognise that my decision was going to have life altering implications for everyone and that being hastey and having a knee jerk reaction could have disastrous consquences, doubts and/or regrets.
In actual fact, I never did make the final decision to stay or go. My decision was to give my marriage and our family the opportunity to survive. I would do whatever I needed to work through the situation. If in the end, it could not be saved, I had to know that it was not from a lack of trying on my part. I felt I owed that to my children at least.
I can‘t say whether my journey has been harded. It was hard, but I believe either way it is hard. We make our decisions and they shape our futures. I cannot sit around wondering what my life would be if my decisions had been different. I feel I made the best decision, given what I knew and felt at the time. That‘s all we can ask of ourselves in the end.
I in no way suggest to anyone reading this and in the midst of dealing with the aftermath of an affair, that deciding to stay in your marriage is the right thing to do. Everyone and every situation is different. Some are of the opinion that marriges can never survive infidelity - once a cheater always a cheater. Others will argue, that people make mistakes and they can change. My only advice is to take your time and try to be as clear as you can, that your decision is one you can live with, without regret or second thought.
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| tula1969 |
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Posted: 8/21/2008 3:47 PM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 39
Total Posts: 1449
Under an UMBRELLA, England
Great Britain
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| old crone wrote: | That‘s right! I was cleaning my closet today and I was finally ready (and able) to throw out all the notes, collected evidence, journals etc that I had been so carefully packed away for all these years. They are now bagged and sitting on the curb - soon to be gone forever.
It‘s been a long journey, which started 12 years ago when I first found this forum. Today I feel that chapter in my life has finally and totally ended and therefore only appropriate that I return here and give my final update and give anyone going through the effects of an affair at this time, a glimpse at my life 12 years on. Although the exact words, actions and reactions have faded the vague, the raw emotions, feelings of desparation and the inability to make them stop are still vivid in my mind. I will never forget the pain. Never! The good news is however, it no longer invades my daily life.
Quick recap: I was married for 20 years, staying at home raising 3 young boys (7, 12, 14). I lived a very financially and emotionally comfortable life. DH was a successful, driven business man. We were living our dream until I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. My husband was having an affair with my 22yr old niece and as it turned out it was not his first. (although he still denies it) My reality was shattered. I trusted no one, not even myself. Nothing in my life was absolute. I could count on nothing.
I had no control and no security.
I stayed with my husband. A decision that I questioned for years, but my decison none the less. The affair had reprocussions on our relationship for many years. I kept me angry and drove me into a state of depression. It made me feel extremely vunerable and cautious. It kept me apart. For the longest time I felt like an observer of my life instead of a participant. Slowly the anger began to disappear. I realized I could either wallow in my dispair or I could accept the fact that I had a lot of living to do and not squander it. To be honest, I just got tired of being sad.
Despite my resolve there were many set backs. Try as I might the past would rear itself from time to time. When things weren‘t going great with my husband it was very easy to become suspecious. I was very aware that I had missed the signals before and swore I‘d never be caught off guard again. I certainly became more independant and less reliant on my husband in general. I learned to identify myself as an individual first, a mother and wife second. I definately discovered my voice. I learned I had my own power and strength.
So here I am, August 2008. I know longer worry about my husband cheating. I know am strong enough to handle it however I want. I am not afraid of making the wrong decsion. I am not afraid of being on my own. Fear is not a factor. I have 100% forgiven my husband. We have new dreams of growing old together. That is my wish. We are comfortable and content with each other. We accept each other - warts and all. However, I also accept the fact that there are no guarentees in life. Nothing is predictable. Hope for the best but watch for the curve balls!
I wish everyone here only the best and brightest futures. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If it seems like a never ending journey back just remember you can‘t go back - the journey has to be forward.
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 Old crone
I read your post and respect to you for your forgiveness and commitment.
The bottom line has to be that we only get one chance at our lives, no rehearsals, no come backs to do it all over again.
My hope is, is that all those who reach a point of decision making, take themselves into consideration first and foremost.
I am happy for you and I wish you all the best
T 
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| mews0516 |
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Posted: 1/29/2009 8:52 AM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 2
ortonville
Michigan
United States
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Wow, your letter is an inspiration. It has been 11 months since my H confessed to 10 years of prostitutes and affairs. I still feel so dumb for not recognizing the signs! At this point we are together. We are trying to work things out. I am 50 and we have 2 kids--18 and 14. The kids know some of what he did. He was never around in their life. They both all along had told me that they hated him. I always stuck up for him and tried to make them realize that as their dad, they should love him. Maybe all along I was trying to tell myself that too. For the first time with our marriage counselor, I admited that I hated him and wanted him dead for a long time. Now, however, he is a changed man. He is no longer the mean and angry person he was for so long. He spends time with me and he spends time with his kids. But it is so hard at times. I am so hurt. I have never been in any situation that has been as painful as this. I have lost both of my parents and I am an only child. So he is my family. He has said he knew he was hurting me, but he continued and he has no reason why. That‘s so hard to understand how he could turn to something so cruel.
I, too, have the boxes of evidence and the journals and all the books read. It is so hopeful to hear that there is a "someday" that I will feel able to put them with the garbage. Thank you for your message of hope!
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| malarkey marie |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 7:49 AM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 500
Total Posts: 841
valhalla
Finland
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| mews0516 wrote: | Wow, your letter is an inspiration. It has been 11 months since my H confessed to 10 years of prostitutes and affairs. I still feel so dumb for not recognizing the signs! At this point we are together. We are trying to work things out. I am 50 and we have 2 kids--18 and 14. The kids know some of what he did. He was never around in their life. They both all along had told me that they hated him. I always stuck up for him and tried to make them realize that as their dad, they should love him. Maybe all along I was trying to tell myself that too. For the first time with our marriage counselor, I admited that I hated him and wanted him dead for a long time. Now, however, he is a changed man. He is no longer the mean and angry person he was for so long. He spends time with me and he spends time with his kids. But it is so hard at times. I am so hurt. I have never been in any situation that has been as painful as this. I have lost both of my parents and I am an only child. So he is my family. He has said he knew he was hurting me, but he continued and he has no reason why. That‘s so hard to understand how he could turn to something so cruel.
I, too, have the boxes of evidence and the journals and all the books read. It is so hopeful to hear that there is a "someday" that I will feel able to put them with the garbage. Thank you for your message of hope!
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it takes two years. either way, stay or go, it will not affect the fact that in two years almost all of what you describe will have faded.
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| mews0516 |
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Posted: 2/6/2009 10:43 AM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 2
ortonville
Michigan
United States
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Dear SnowWhite,
Thanks for your post with the 2 years. Did you stay or leave? So by 2 years, I won‘t have horrible thoughts any longer. There are days that I don‘t understand how I can love and hate the same man. He‘s not like he was for those 10 years now, so I love him. But what he did for those ten years, I hate him.
Thanks for the encouragement!
mews0516
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| old crone |
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Posted: 2/6/2009 2:48 PM |
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Subject: 12 Years Later - In the Garbage! |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 55
Total Posts: 12
Toronto
Canada
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You know there is no real set time for the feelings to go away. That will be up to you. Holding on to these feelings is a way of protecting yourself. Keeps your guard up. Keeps you less vulnerable. You have been terribly injured emotionally and you need to heal. These feelings are like wearing a cast on your heart and acts like a sheild against any more pain. People you hate cannot hurt you. Only those you love. When you finally feel the risk of reinjury is over and your broken heart is healed, you won‘t need to hold on to the hate and it will disappear. May you have a speedy recovery.
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