Hi,
I would really like some opinions/advice about my current situation, because I‘m really not doing well emotionally, or physically even.
Approximately 6 or so moths ago, I was sexually essaulted by a married man a few years older than me, an acquaintance and workmate who used to work with my boyfriend at the time. The worst incident‘s were the times he got physically/sexually violent, but also threatened to kill me and gave me many choices how to die when he drove me home one time and ended up driving me to the bush instead. I struggle to get through this since, of course, and have since been diagnosed with PTSD.
I still however, am trying to get on with my life and not well on everything he did, but it‘s hard with flashbacks, anxiety attacks and night terrors, but I take Stilnox, in addition to other anti-depressants. My Neurologists put me on Frisium and I was also given Temaze for sleeping by my Gp, and valuim and was already on Klonopin for epilepsy (In addition to other ones). Fortunately for me, I realized immediately that it was so EASY to get hooked on all of these, and immediately cut down on the valium, got of the Frisium and also the Temaze (This was all hell and a nightmare) and I still am tempted to go back on it when I want to cope.
I have a visual impairment and epilespsy/migraine from a brain tumour that was removed, so have to still remain on certain meds, such as klonopin for that with others, and stil take Stilnox, but need to sleep to get a proper rest from the nightmares.
Anyway, I‘m not trying to be boring with all this medical history. The point is, when the final assault happened and I had worked up the courage to go to the police, I couldn‘t face my usual male Dr, and knew I had to go to one to task for a blood test, so saw another, thinking I would just walk in and out with a pathology request. However, this GP really cared, he was very concerned and asked a lot of questions, and spent ages talking to me, trying to help, organizing counselling, and put me on sleeping tablets b/c I wasn‘t sleeping.
since then, I kept going back, because he was so caring and understanding. He sent me to a psychiatrist, his friend, but I didn‘t have the money and didn‘t want to go at all, and also to two psychologists‘s, but it didn‘t work out. I ended up mainly phong the hotlines, and talking to my sister and best friend....and him. He even said he had been there as a form of counselling, ina therapeutic way, and he HAS really gotten me through, there are no two ways about it! I WOULDN‘T have survived without seeing him every week, which I need to anyway, for scripts and for epilespy.
Over time, I began to think I was beginning to depend on him too much and look up to him too much, as a support person....he phoned the police, and wanted me to change my Nerologist lately, and is always giving me advice, but over time, I feel he‘s become quite intrusive and controlling and sarcastic if I don‘t take up suggestions, and will joke about me being "messed up"and so forth. It‘s not the end of the world, but I feel particularly at risk, because he has told me I‘m vulnerable, that not many people people are on my side, how to deal with so and so, but resorts sometimes to as he says ‘re-establishing control,‘
I am a very private person and feel he is prying to much, he comments on what I never talk about and so on. Once I went in there in my tracksuit because I was so sick, and he told me I was having a Sunday day, and I thought he was trying to cheer me up, but he told me to "Put on some make-up"...I protested that I always do! and he said he knew. Whenever I ask about his children or second wife, he always has something negative to say. I never thought he might be another controlling person, because he‘s helped me so much. But he is so insensitive at times. For instance, my Dad died when I was a tenager, but he was in a coma for years, and and he asked "How do you remember him...in a vegetative state"?
his sarcasm and meaness keeps coming out lately. he asked me to come twice this week. The first time, his prac student was there again, and he has put her down to me too when she isn‘t there. But he tried to make out that I had forgotten a major apointment with a nother Dr. in December. It was as if history had been re-written. Then he came out afterwards and asked me to come back after I see my Neurologist the next day...whom he also doesn‘t like severly. (To talk about the serious blood test results) and I was concerned, so I did.
It was a terrible time from the start. "The student was there. I think maybe he and my Neurologist are at odds too. That‘s the first thing he mentioned, and then he said "So, you saw your Neurologist today and he‘s fine with you taking that one instead of this medication?"Then he said "So, let‘s see how your brain is working today!!!" I snapped back "Hey...my brain was sorking fine yesterday!!! That‘s still something I have to fix with you...about you thinking I forgot that appointment." His head snapped back and turned to see if the student had heard. When i counted a dosage wrong, he pretended I was so dumb, he basically gave me a maths lesson....and did it in such a belittling tone, it was so humiliating. I kept thinking ‘Why are you acting like thiS‘?
And he just didn‘t STOP!!!! He said "Do you UNDERSTAND NOW?....we‘ll have to get you one of those Webster packs for elderly people..."I was too upset to say much. Anyway, I quickly asked him the reason ...my blood tests, and he acted like it was NOTHING!!! Just Anaemia, asked me about my eating (b/c/ Dr. Maxwell has mentioned one medication can cause Anorexia and he‘s worried) and i said Ït‘s OK, but he weighed me in front of the student which was humilating, and then lectured me about eating more "Fruit and vegies"as if i were a child, and got cranky that it‘s nutional related. i argued I‘ve always been like that. he told me he might have to give me those big iron tablets, and then said sarcastically ï can see by that expression your not enthused"and I said ‘Well, it‘s just hard enough to digest food without those iron tablets""
He actually flipped all my medication on the screen and said "
ÝOU SEEM TO HAVE NO PROBLEM DIGESTING ALL ALL THIS OTHER MEDICATION."
I was so shocked. I answered ""Actually, I DO have a problem digesting all that medicaion, you KNOW I want to come off it, you have advised me NOT to. come off anything...you know I hate it."
He then said "Yes, that was nasty."
At the very end, I confronted him about how he could say yesterday I would ‘forget‘something so important as an ppointment I had had with another Doctor a few weeks earlier, and he answered Ï just am under the impression you forget things a lot."
At this s"tage, I had tears in my eyes. He looked over and asked me ‘So how much is the dose you‘re supposed to take"? I deliberately said ‘1000mg‘instead of 150mg, and answered ‘Now maybe, i‘m being nasty. He saw me crying, so did the student.
Anyway, i went to pharmacy joined on and as soon as I handed my csripts in, I just began crying and couldn‘t stop, I don‘t know what happened to me. That‘s never happened before. I couldn‘t breathe properly, the world was unreal, and I just sat there until I got picked up...the pharmacy was very good.
I would really appreciate any comments/opinions. if he keeps being like that, I don‘t want to see him....but can never be open/trust him again. I also feel so vulnerable and like he has the power and so much information that I can‘t go to another Doctor. I also sort of don‘t want to stop going, because he has seen me from the very beginning of what happened, and every step of the way....I just don‘t know. In a way, I feel it‘s almost like he has set himself up to be a teacher or mentor or something, and is analyzing me, but I don‘t want to be a gunea pig. And I don‘t want to tell him more information anymore either, even when he asks. He makes judgements and assumptinons very quickly. But he is caring and kind at times and has supported me coming off medication. Am I right in my feeling he is too controlling and mean, or is my recent past made me untrusting?
Any information/comments would be greatly appreciated, because I feel my trust has been abused all over again.
Thank You
Sarah