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| carolemo |
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Posted: 12/4/2006 3:33 AM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 54
Total Posts: 13
Toronto
Canada
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I was chatting with a group of women the other day. We were talking about our bits of writing and one of them asked ‘Why do we need to write about loss when there’s so much already written in self-help books?’ The resultant lively discussion got me thinking what loss means to each of us, what it means to me.
Really, can anyone else write about my loss? Of course not. In the writing of a self-help book a therapist first and foremost, ensures her own self-awareness and understanding. That the work is helpful is a gift not just to others but to the author. Experience can be similar and is the ingredient that gives us our humanity but this very humanity is what makes each experience meaningful and personal to ourselves.
In writing about my own loss of love in a co-dependant relationship, I no longer picture this man walking through the door, finally come to his senses, back to stay. I see this can’t be, not because I don’t want it but because as an emotionally unavailable man, he is not able to resolve his own issues of self-worth.
Before, I would try to visualize in the hope of actualizing his return whereas from the vantage point of a journey taken along the road of loss and mourning, I now seek a different return, a return to self – self-awareness, self-confidence, self-esteem. To maintain my sanity I must acknowledge that I’ve come some way toward embracing the four stages of loss which are disbelief, anger, grief and acceptance. I hope now for clear understanding following by the relief of acceptance.
Like the closing scene of a favourite movie or novel, perhaps I’ll be walking on the beach near my home. I’ll look out over the lake and consider the vastness of life and how small we are yet how far we have to travel to truly find ourselves. I’ll let go the belief that he’ll return and watch that belief drift away on the warm summer breeze. I’ll let go the thought of us, reflect that it’s my journey now and look inside myself to check I’m okay with this. I will turn my thoughts gratefully to those who love me unconditionally, my children, grandchildren and good friends.
As I write now, I realize I’m not yet at the point of letting go, of acceptance. I’m almost there. What holds me still is my own foolish hope against hope, my need to think of him as made of stronger stuff than he turned out to be. But the very act of writing tells me I’m almost to the point of letting go and when I do, I expect to be well on the path to becoming a whole person.
Before, I was not ready to feel the pain because I knew instinctively that writing would bring that on. Now as I write I realize that allowing ourselves to experience the pain gives us our humanity, humanity creates strength and all of these combined create a whole person. Of the many advantages which menopause brings, maybe the best we can hope is to have the guts and the wisdom to permit growth.
Carole Mondragon
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 12/4/2006 6:42 AM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
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Total Posts: 2562
Lacey
Washington
United States
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I have always found writing to be extremely therapeutic on all levels. It requires honesty. That is one of the reasons this website has been so valuable to me.
I think what I have discovered here is that when women share their pain, a sisterhood is formed. Nothing is more comforting than to find that you are not alone. I am not the only one who agonized over losing someone I loved. I am not the only one who‘s been through a bad divorce or overcome domestic violence. Others have been through it too. We can all share what we have learned, and we can help each other cope with life‘s challenges.
At 50, my views on romantic love have changed. I am not only accepting that I am alone, but that I might always be alone. Part of me thinks that maybe something is wrong with me - that it‘s not a normal thing for a woman to feel. Another part of me doesn‘t mind at all. For the first time, I see the disadvantages of relationships - the fact that relationships are a lot of work!
It isn‘t enough to fall in love. That‘s the easy part. That is where the joy and excitement is. A long term relationship is not only a serious commitment, but it‘s like a garden. You have to maintain that thing all the time. You can‘t take anything for granted, and if a weed pops up, you‘d better tend to it, or your whole garden will be a crop of weeds before you know it. You have to water, you have to weed, and you have to attend to it every day. If plants aren‘t watered and tended to, they die.
Relationships involve a certain sacrificing of self. It is no longer about what you want and what is good for you, but what is good for your relationship. If you don‘t care about what makes your partner happy, you won‘t be happy together for long. You won‘t make any decisions without consulting him - not because you need his permission - but out of respect. You will practice negotiation and compromise. You will embrace his family and his friends, regardless of whether you like them or not - or whether or not they like you. You will put up with Monday night football because he loves it. You will be there when he is sick. You will encourage him when he loses his job or loses faith in himself. You will cook and clean when you are tired and don‘t feel like it, and you will attend events that bore you to tears just because you love him. There are a lot of things you will put up with without complaint just because you either love him or you prefer to pick your battles.
All that said - the nice thing about being alone is the freedom to focus on yourself. To do what feels good - on a whim - is a freedom I hadn‘t had since childhood - only it‘s better now, because I am an adult. I don‘t have to worry about pissing anyone off. I don‘t have to ask anyone‘s permission. I don‘t have to cook five star meals. I don‘t have to put up with anyone‘s bad moods. What a freeing thing that is! I don‘t have to deal with anyone‘s depression. No black clouds of doom hang in my house anymore.
I wouldn‘t say that I am always blissfully happy, but there are no crushing disappointments either. Life is on an even keel. My emotions don‘t flip flop much. I am responsible for my own happiness, so if there is anything I am not happy with, it‘s my responsibility to fix it. I can‘t blame it on anyone else. I do the same things day to day. But I kind of like it. It is peaceful. I don‘t have big fantasies anymore. If I really want to do something, though, I go after it! I don‘t just talk about it like I used to. Therefore, I accomplish more.
Being alone has made me my own best friend. There are times when the phone doesn‘t ring. There are holidays where I have been alone. Even the best of friends can‘t always be available. They have lives and problems of their own. There are also some things they cannot help you with. Some things you just have to go through by yourself. But once you have, you know you don‘t have to be afraid of it.
I don‘t know if there is Prince Charming for me. I don‘t know that I believe in Prince Charming anymore. What I seek is a partner and best friend. But if it never happens, I have lived a rich and full life. I wouldn‘t trade any of it.
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 12/4/2006 7:01 AM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 2562
Lacey
Washington
United States
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Another thing I was going to add is that as I‘ve gotten older, I have come to connect with nature more. My breath is taken away by a sunset. Or stars on a summer night Or sparkles in the snow. Or the formation of ice on my windshield, and the artistic patterns and shapes that ice makes. Or swimming in a river this summer and marveling about how clean and pure the water was. It is during those moments that I wonder how I could have been so tortured and depressed.
I realize I am blessed during these times. You are right, Carole, that when we stop to appreciate how big life is, our problems are insignficant in the grander scheme of things.
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| beachbum |
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Posted: 12/4/2006 4:27 PM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 48
Total Posts: 461
thousand oaks
California
United States
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Rhiannon... i can relate to SO much of what you say.
My alone time came at 37... it was very hard to accept at that age... but did i ever grow! and shortly after i came to truly be comfortable with myself, and within myself, to truly be comfortable with being alone; i met someone. and the relationship was SO different, because i was no longer afraid of being alone. He was the dessert, but i knew that if it didn‘t work, i would still have a full meal. and it made all the difference.
Prince Charming? in some ways... in most he‘s just a man. But he‘s a kind and gentle giant guy. 2 months into our relationship he got pissed off about some dumb thing and started yelling. i sat down, waited for him to catch on, and said simply "You know i‘m coming from a very abused place. You don‘t understand PTSD, but you know i have it. If you want to be with me, you CANNOT yell like that." That was 10 years ago and he‘s never raised his voice since...
none of this is to say that it‘s not ok to be alone... i think it‘s important, and in many ways AWESOME to be alone... but you have to stay open to life‘s possibilities at every turn....
Don‘t necessarily rule out the Prince Charming fairy tale Rhi - just NEVER forget that YOU are the Queen of your Castle!
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| beachbum |
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Posted: 12/5/2006 6:44 PM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 48
Total Posts: 461
thousand oaks
California
United States
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| Hushpuppy wrote: | |
Since I have given myself permission to be bitter, I‘ve decided to give myself permission to stop growing. I‘m tired and I do not have the energy for it anymore. I‘m tired of striving for understnading, insight, and hope for the future. I‘ve noticed there is a small percentage of the population that even gives a damn about growing as a human being anyway, so what‘s the point. Why be different, those who are different are often misunderstood. And misunderstanding leads to conflict. Do you see where I‘m going here. I give myself permission to just be. I will please myself. I will entertain myself, often at the expense of others of course, a fringe benefit of stifled growth. Yep, I‘m going to stop growing right now. This very minute. So if in the future my posts become childish and perhaps purile( troll like) then you all will have been forwarned. Hushpuppy, the bitter Old Hag
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actually... i look forward to it Hushpuppy! i expect to be greatly enlightened by your new posts.... as i am working on Hagship myself =)
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 12/6/2006 3:20 AM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 2562
Lacey
Washington
United States
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Hushpuppy - if it sounds like I was trying to be a Pollyanna playing the "glad game" and I stepped on your toes, I am sorry. I think you and I are at different stages of the healing process, and believe me, I have been where you are. No one could be angrier than I have been for the past six years. It‘s only started to get better this year. I was thoroughly pissed off a good 16 years before that, so I understand more than you know.
I am not going to tell anyone they don‘t have a right to be angry. Honor your feelings whatever they are. You have every right to feel whatever you feel. And if you don‘t feel like "growing" no big deal - no one says you have to.
Anger, for me, was a motivator. It made me more determined to succeed. It empowered me to do things I didn‘t have the courage to do otherwise. It gave me an adrenaline charge that I needed to face everything in front of me: court, debt, mean creditors, nasty co-workers, lemon cars, and the challenge of bringing up kids by myself. I was left holding the bag, and it was overwhelming. I was seething mad most of the time.
The reason I had to get a handle on it was because eventually, I was hospitalized and almost died. The never-ending stress caught up with me. I needed to lower my stress. I couldn‘t lower my responsibilities - I had to change the way I reacted and responded to things. I had to change my thinking more than anything.
The other thing is, I have daughters. They learn how to deal with life by watching me. And even if their dad, in my view, is a bastard, they don‘t need to hear it, because that‘s their dad. They know what he is (they were there, too), but they don‘t need to hear any commentary from me. I have this website to help me cope with that, LOL!
When it comes to anyone else, I say do whatever works for you. Be true to yourself.
All I am sharing is what has helped me and observations I‘ve made along the way. I noticed that a lot of my anger went away after I took the ex to court and got a different job. The new job is nuts, the boss is crazy, and I‘m wiped out at the end of the day. But I empowered myself, and now instead of feeling used and abused, I feel like I accomplished something. Maybe what happened is that I stopped feeling like a "victim."
I respect your opinions and wherever you are. Please don‘t take it personally.
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| carolemo |
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Posted: 12/6/2006 9:39 AM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 54
Total Posts: 13
Toronto
Canada
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Hush Puppy
You are so entertaining and real. I mean that in a very good way. You certainly make me think ... and think again.
Have you heard of the Red Hatters - a women‘s group for those at menopause and beyond. Their motto is ‘Just Say No!‘ You‘d make an awesome member.
The things you‘re writing here, remind me of that poem by Jenny Joseph
except I‘m not sure you‘d be the type to go around in a red hat with a purple dress. You‘d chuck that idea right out I‘m sure.
Warning
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn‘t go, and doesn‘t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we‘ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I‘m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people‘s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Jenny Joseph
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| HarDecisions |
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Posted: 10/18/2007 10:35 PM |
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Subject: Finding the Wisdom to Permit Growth |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 30
Total Posts: 18
Confused
California
United States
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| carolemo wrote: | I was chatting with a group of women the other day. We were talking about our bits of writing and one of them asked ‘Why do we need to write about loss when there’s so much already written in self-help books?’ The resultant lively discussion got me thinking what loss means to each of us, what it means to me.
Really, can anyone else write about my loss? Of course not. In the writing of a self-help book a therapist first and foremost, ensures her own self-awareness and understanding. That the work is helpful is a gift not just to others but to the author. Experience can be similar and is the ingredient that gives us our humanity but this very humanity is what makes each experience meaningful and personal to ourselves.
In writing about my own loss of love in a co-dependant relationship, I no longer picture this man walking through the door, finally come to his senses, back to stay. I see this can’t be, not because I don’t want it but because as an emotionally unavailable man, he is not able to resolve his own issues of self-worth.
Before, I would try to visualize in the hope of actualizing his return whereas from the vantage point of a journey taken along the road of loss and mourning, I now seek a different return, a return to self – self-awareness, self-confidence, self-esteem. To maintain my sanity I must acknowledge that I’ve come some way toward embracing the four stages of loss which are disbelief, anger, grief and acceptance. I hope now for clear understanding following by the relief of acceptance.
Like the closing scene of a favourite movie or novel, perhaps I’ll be walking on the beach near my home. I’ll look out over the lake and consider the vastness of life and how small we are yet how far we have to travel to truly find ourselves. I’ll let go the belief that he’ll return and watch that belief drift away on the warm summer breeze. I’ll let go the thought of us, reflect that it’s my journey now and look inside myself to check I’m okay with this. I will turn my thoughts gratefully to those who love me unconditionally, my children, grandchildren and good friends.
As I write now, I realize I’m not yet at the point of letting go, of acceptance. I’m almost there. What holds me still is my own foolish hope against hope, my need to think of him as made of stronger stuff than he turned out to be. But the very act of writing tells me I’m almost to the point of letting go and when I do, I expect to be well on the path to becoming a whole person.
Before, I was not ready to feel the pain because I knew instinctively that writing would bring that on. Now as I write I realize that allowing ourselves to experience the pain gives us our humanity, humanity creates strength and all of these combined create a whole person. Of the many advantages which menopause brings, maybe the best we can hope is to have the guts and the wisdom to permit growth.
Carole Mondragon
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Well put!
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