WomanSavers.com Forum / GENERAL / Doing nothing can be the worst abuse.

I‘m dating a complete loser, and I can‘t get out.  At least not right away.  People think doing nothing isn‘t abuse, but if you get a girl pregnant and do enough nothing, it is.

He just sits on his ass in front of my computer all day. He makes no effort to get a job or an education.  He‘s always "going" to do things but never does them.  If I‘m sick for three days, the house is completely destroyed and not in any normal way.  This loser deliberately throws garbage on the floor, stacks boxes all over the kitchen, and spreads small messes out into huge ones just to make my life miserable.

He‘s always "sorry" for it, and he‘s always complaining about what a useless loser and a slob his mother is.  The apple doesn‘t fall far from the tree.  I‘ve gotten to the point where I just seethingly hate him and I‘m waiting for a window and a way out.  I guess moving in another child was the catalyst.  My cousin‘s daughter is fifteen and she‘s been getting in trouble at home, so she lives with me now.  He‘s a dirtbag bastard and now I know it.

 I called him upstairs to tell him she was in the shower, so he wouldn‘t come in.  He said, she already told me she was going up to take a shower.  I said, I just wanted to tell you in case you didn‘t know.  I had no idea you already knew she was up here.

His answer, which revolts me now and isn‘t going to stop following me until the day I die, was "yeah, I might think she was you and then get naked and jump in the shower with her"

He never does that with me.  Never.  If I were in the shower he would walk into the bathroom and start talking to me through the curtain.  In reality, if he saw the light on and the door closed he would knock on the door, figure out it was a teenaged girl in the shower, and NOT GO IN.

The only reason to say something paedophilic like that is because you are thinking it.  And now I know EXACTLY how safe a little girl is in this house with this pervert.  I keep wanting to think of some other reason to be a disgusting lazy bastard, but I guess he‘s just another one of these douchebag losers who plays on single mothers so they can get their hands on little girls.  Why can‘t scumbags have it written across their foreheads?

I‘m nine months pregnant and didn‘t want to go through labour alone.  I also wanted to talk to him about it, to make sure.  All I said was that he‘s been really antagonistic toward me lately, and he said I was being offensive and walked out.  I guess that‘s all the answer I need.

He already got angry at me when I said I‘m happier if a fifteen year old girl is not here in the same house at the same time as him, because he is always following her around and it is upsetting everyone (but him, apparently he doesn‘t know how creepy it is).

Maybe because I always have this kind of luck, and I don‘t want to be alone and pregnant because i have no one else.

She‘s not exactly the most innocent kid in the world, and he‘s not as horrible as I make him out to be when I‘m pissed off, that‘s the problem.  I don‘t think there‘s a risk of her being molested, or I would have kicked him to the curb long ago.  I think he‘s talking about things that he shouldn‘t in front of her because that was normalized in his household (his mother talked about her sexual relationships in detail in front of him, and still does, which is why I don‘t go over there).

This kid has enough problems, drugs, smoking. alcohol, going out and getting tattoos,dressing in a way that men actually mistake her for a prostitute.  I think the way he is talking is innapropriate, but I don‘t think he knows the difference.

He is usually very much there for me which is why I was surprised when for a couple of weeks he turned in to an antagonistic jerk who I don‘t even know. 

I know it sounds like I‘m just making excuses for him, but I re-read my post and realized I didn‘t mention one very important fact.  He is only 22 years old. I realized after I read the responses that I really made it sound like we are a forty-year old couple and here is this poor teenaged girl in my house being potentially molested by him, but that‘s not the case.  He has trouble knowing how to react to her because frankly, he‘s always hung out with his little sister who is sixteen, and she is very close to being in his age group.  It‘s a matter of tension more than a matter of abuse. Extreme tension however!

I did end up talking to him about it and I think we‘re seeing eye to eye now.  And yes, I am having her go to counselling.  The hoochie clothes did not come from my house, anything like that was thrown in the garbage.  She borrows clothes from friends when she goes out.

She is a huge flight risk and has spent the past several months bouncing from one place to another.  She was living with friends when I brought her here.  She is living a really bad life and I‘m worried because the second I try to discipline her, I know she will run off and go live with a loser friend of hers who appears to have no parents.  This is a girl who got suspended for fighting and her mother took her out to get her nails done...such a terrible punishment :S.

Even without the slutty clothes she‘ll run around the house without a bra, text my husband, and so forth.  I think she was sexually assaulted at home and I say this because she appears to think this kind of behaviour is not only appropriate but impressive.  I was more worried he might respond because, well, not a lot of guys could manage not to.  And I‘m worried about him for his sake and her for hers

It‘s all so confusing but last week he was being a complete ass so I guess I posted in anger rather than just confronting him in any constructive way :).  Or explaining anything very well :S

but you‘re right, too.  that comment he made was completely out of line.  and i told him flat out i didn‘t care if she was sleeping at a friend‘s house all weekend because at least she is not in the house with him.

At first he tried to say he wasn‘t trying to spend time with her, but he was having such a hard time with me he was just trying to stay out of my way.  I said sorry, not good enough.  Making me miserable and then complaining that you can‘t be around me because I‘m miserable because you‘re never around?  Can you say "circular reasoning"?.

But I don‘t know how much of it is in my own head.  The other day we had an argument about his laziness and I thought he walked out on me.  He really just went downstairs to clean and fell asleep on the couch.

Yet, he started being nice when she left for the whole weekend to go to a friend‘s house. So my problem became: is he being nice to me because he has seen the error of his ways, or is he being nice to me to lull me into a false sense of security, so he can get access to her again?

He‘s never away from my other children and if he actually tried anything, I‘d know in half a second.  But, I don‘t know...I‘m confused I guess...

Thanks!  When I realized I made him sound like an old perv, I had to sort of amend what I said :).  That‘s sort of the issue.  She sees me as an adult in her life, and so she just sees him as my husband.  She‘s texting him to ask for permission to do things if she doesn‘t get me on my phone.  I just don‘t think it‘s particularly appropriate and I know a little too much about her upbringing.  The men her mother keeps around are not generally very nice men.

I think that right now he is all she has for an example of what a decent man looks like, and I‘m concerned that him being too close to her age group, he may not understand that.

We are both too young to be dealing with a child this age but, on the other hand, her parents are FAR younger than either of us mentally and emotionally.  We‘re trying to set a good example for her.

I think most of her troubles relate to her family, and that‘s the worst thing. I feel like my hands are tied because just when she is happy, they seem to deliberately do things to hurt her.  I sent her to her doctor the other day because she was having severe headaches (later found out she was smoking, so that pretty much explained it) and he told her her mother had called and requested that she be given birth control and a blood test.  The funny thing about all this slutty dressing and clubbing is that she‘s not promiscuous and I‘m not convinced that she‘s even sexually active yet.  Being more innocent than you look, however, can lead to a LOT of problems.  Even if she were, covertly calling the doc is no way to start a conversation! 

Then today, after her living here for two months, mom stopped getting money for her.  She‘d been collecting benefits for this child for two months while she was in my care.  She called to scream at her daughter and accuse her of making her whole family homeless, taking all their money, etc and so forth.  I have attempted to explain to her that you do not get money for a child if the child is not there, and you have kicked the chiild out of the house, but how can you explain anything to someone who would steal from their own children and laugh about it.  She would have left her daughter on a street corner and continued to collect benefits for her.

It‘s been slow going.  This is a girl who does not trust anyone and really has no reason to.  I did have a victory in getting her to wear a one-piece bathing suit!  I wouldn‘t have minded a tankini or something but she was wearing two strings and a prayer before this, ew.  Thank God for Victoria‘s Secret, they had a Calvin Klein suit on cheap.  I don‘t know the girl who will say no to calvin, even if he‘s not skin-bearing :).

I‘m trying to show her that it is possible to look pretty without being in some advanced state of undress.  And trying to run defense on her mother‘s insanity.  Maybe mom will come around and actually be able to have a normal relationship with her.  I don‘t really understand why, with a 17 year old and a 15 year old in the house, she assumed that the money for her "children" would just keep coming in, even when they are old enough to move out.

My husband isn‘t working because of my son.  He‘s disabled, and we agreed when he was unable to go to school that hubby would stay home with him while I finished my year in school.  Unfortunately this pregnancy hit me pretty hard, and now I‘m stuck at home anyway.  He will start school in May, and he‘s looking for work right now.  He has scoliosis and a leg injury, so he can‘t take a labour job (which is most of the jobs in this town).

I think 80% of our problem is that when it comes to the house, taking care of the kids, and managing the bills, I am a rock star and he sucks beyond all reason.  It‘s just something he‘s nightmarishly terrible at, and watching him try to do it can be VERY frustrating for me.  I manage to raise four kids, keep the house clean and the closets full, and put dinner on the table every night.  He thinks he‘s accomplished something if he does even one of those things half-assed.  And he gets distracted too easily by the computer.  So I think the best thing for him is to go to school, so he can sit on his lazy ass, AND get something done