WomanSavers.com Forum / GENERAL / Why do men.....

 I know lately I haven‘t been around , due to making hollween costumes ( by hand netherless) and school functions I had little time to spare.

 Well.

 Well my dilema right now is this. and maybe the men on this forum can help me understand what is going on. Or even a woman‘s prespective would be nice.

 Earlier today while struggling to get a kool aid stain off my white kitchen dinet chair I get this heavy pounding at the door. I peek through the hole and think " oh oh the cable guy finally found out we were stealing the cable" no not really but it did worry me. So I opened up the door and this man said " Are you( insert personal name here) I said yes , why who is asking?" Meanwhile I have a sick child coughing and crying for my attention and me still in my p.js cleaning at 12:00 pm. So to go along with this story, he goes. " I have a specail delivery for you..." Okay im thinking what is this? A joke?

 So this long white box get‘s pulled out from behind his back and has writing on the front that says I LOVE YOU BABY!

 Red flags went up and I asked who died.

My husband sent them by acrrier btw.

 I opened it up and it‘s 12 very long stem roses, and...then I got to thinking... he knows my b day is coming up....by why does he go through all the extravagent things ? They don;t work for me.. roses die.. take me out to eat once... diamonds? No I barely even wear jewlry, and  I would care more if I was asked what I wanted and be happier if it had happened.

 I asked myself through the years if this is normal for me to behave this way... when I see most wemon get hysterical about getting roses shipped to them, and diamonds, but they don‘t do nothing for me...

 It went as far as people calling me ungrateful for the things he does for me. Which only adds to the dilema. It‘s like that disgusting 150$ sweater you get for christmas, you think you don‘t need it, but to complain you are ungrateful even though you asked for a specific thing completely different ( cheaper too) that you could be thrilled about.

   why is that men do not take into consideration on what some of us women really want? For four years as silly as it seems I have asked for nothing but a kitten waiting for me in a box with a bog cheesey bow on top..and have asked this for every holiday for the last seven years....that‘s it...something that is relatively free of if max 30$ compared to the hardship of buying my diamonds i don‘t wear, roses that die, being taken out once for food or out to dinner, a movie that could suck....

 It went as far as one year( four years back to be exact) when I was pregnant with my daughter, I asked for the same thing,, a kitten..simple right? I pretty much hoped that me asking all these years would make him realise he is doing the gift thing all wrong. Christm,as was at hand and me and my husband bothworked at the same place...a co worker so excited came to me and started teasing me about my gift " I know what your husband got.. and omg.. you‘re going to be soo excited.. every woman will be jealous of you" well giving my hopes up I got excited too and asked what it was and she said " it will make you tear up" so again after an hour of this she told me " your husband got you a diamond heart pendant" sure enough I started crying and she states " see i knew you were going to be tearful" I told her " you;re right but i‘m tearful for the wrong reasons, I never asked for that"

 I am not materialistic at all, but I just want some feed back on this.

 Why am I not thrilled about getting flowers?

                               Am I just weird?

Maybe you simply want him to hear you.

It‘s not asking alot,that if he loves you...he listens to what you want.

I have 5 kittens....were should I ship them to?

That‘s what I was going to say.  You go get what you want and allow him to give what he wants.  It‘s a win-win.  You can‘t fault the guy for being thoughtful.  Though, I do hear what you‘re saying and understand.  I‘m not a material girl either.  I had my long-time exbf return a pair of diamond earrings.   I just didn‘t want them, nor any other material thing.

Thank you guys, and lastnight that‘s is exactly what I told him. I told him I would just by my own big box put the kitten inside with a bog bow and suprise my self. Unfourtanately the way things are going right now, it just doesn‘t fit into the equation.  It got worse after I posted to all of you and it started off exactly what I sad to all of you,that I just wanted something for once that I didn‘t argue over, or fight for. I gave too much power to him to rule my happiness and never once fought him on what he wanted.

  Two years ago he had gotten himself a lap top saying it was for father‘s day, we were already hurting for money. Just recently he said he needed a new car, granted I said okay, altho we have two already one is in the garage because of moto issues, and he bought himself something that was way over the top. A 2004 Bronco, I never argued, the point is that he doesn‘t understand is that he gets what he wants. When it comes to my own happiness and what I want it‘ has to -FIT- into his profile of how things should be, how he pictures his comfort, it is never about what anyone else wants.

  Then he went on saying that he loves me but is not in love with me, if that isn‘t something hurtful already he stated for my birthday he was going to take me clothing shopping, I tried to explain to him clothes is something I need and I don‘t want something I need for my birthday, he stated " why because you know once I buy you new clothes that you have to look for work?"

   He even went as far as ordering satalite cabel just today. I realised something about myself. I know i‘m not perfect and I never tried to be but I gave him too much power over how I should feel. Now. I don;t know what to do.Should I get my kitten? It just seems like a fight I can‘t win.

WOW.  Just Wow.  Why are you two together? Maybe you should look for a job.  The kids won‘t wither away in day care while you work.  Then he can cancel the satalite cable to pay for it.

Get the kitten, hell get two!!!

Amen!!  That‘s exactly what I thought...

You say he has too much power over your happiness.  That‘s not true.  If he has that, you gave it to him.  Get it back.  Start by stopping putting yourself last on the list.

It is true, however,  that he has too much power over your finances.  If there‘s room for a Bronco, there‘s room for a kitty.  Go get it. 

I don‘t mean to sound self-righteous or harsh.  I was guilty of being too much of a giver, too.  I‘m just skipping the ‘I‘m sorries‘ and getting right to the meat of it.

Without referencing all the subtle nuances that you described involving your relationship, I will concern myself with answering your top question: Why do men feel compelled to buy women extravegent gifts instead of listening to what the woman wants?

The truthful answer is - masculinity. There are actually three types of masculinity with three seperate definitions. There‘s masculinity as perception, masculinity as thought, and masclinity as action. What your husband is doing by buying you huge gifts and ignoring your desires is masculinity as perception. Let me explain:

Masculinity as perception is the belief that circumstances and situations are by their nature small, which means the man feels like he has to do big things in order for them to even be noticed or mean anything. To him, they aren‘t extravegant; they‘re normal size.

There are also three types of femininity and femininity as perception dictates that every situation and circumstance is big, hence the tendency of some females to blow things out of proportion. Some men who are masculine (see everything as small) believe that in order to impress the wife or girlfriend, huge extrevagant gifts are required in order to even register on the woman‘s rader. They mistakenly believe that women see everything as small too. Giving you a cat or a card which simply says "I love you and I‘m thinking of you," is meaningless to him because he sees it as too small. Women, on the other hand, appreciate the little things (even something as simple as a touch of the hand as a friendly gensture) and are very grateful for them because, being feminine, they see those things as big. It‘s the thought that counts.

You seem like a typical feminine woman and your husband a typical masculine man. But if he said that he loves you but is not in love with you than you have a problem. You need to find out just how masculine he is.

Masculinity and femininity can be divided into two groups. Being masculine or feminine when it comes to positive things in your life, or when it comes to negative. Us men are usually masculine when it comes to both. For example, we see both the good stuff as small and meaningless and the bad stuff as small and meaningless as well. Women on the other hand are feminine when it comes to both. They see the good stuff as extraordinarily beautiful and the bad stuff as extra hideous.

As such, in my experience, women lump men into four different catagories: Boyfriend material, sex material, friendship material, and "get the hell away from me" material. Boyfriend material is a guy who is masculine when it comes to the negative, so that he can be her rock when she panics about problems, and feminine when it comes to the positive, so that they can appreciate the little things together. That‘s perfect for a woman.

Sex material is a guy who is masculine when it comes to both positive and negative. A woman doesn‘t need to appreciate the little things with him because it‘s just sex, but she does need him to be strong in the face of problems by looking at those problems as tiny mosquitos. That‘s very sexy to women. That‘s why women say "When I‘m in his arms I feel as if my problems are a million miles away." 

Notice, she didn‘t say that she‘s with him because he solves her problems. NO WAY! That would make her a prostitute. She said she FEELS AS IF her problems are a million miles away (very small) when she‘s with him. No difference for a man but HUGE difference for a woman. In fact, a man should never be a woman‘s problem solver. That‘s a one way ticket into the "friend zone." A problem creator would be better to the point where she calls all her friends and says "he‘s driving me crazy." It is that emotional intensity from which the greatest sexual passion comes from. A friend of mine once told me: A woman will sleep with you regardless of whether she loves or hates you. She will only not if she has no passion for you. Being her partner in crime is preferable to being the nice guy orbiter that she calls to bail her out of jail.

Then there is the guy who is friend material. He is feminine with the positive, which means, just like the boyfriend, they can appreciate the little things, but he‘s also feminine with the negative, which means they both blow problems out of proportion. In other words, he‘s a woman with a penis and since she‘s not a lesbian, she will only be friends with him.

Which brings us to "get the hell away from me" material. This is a man who is feminine about the negative (which means he blows problems out of proportion) and masculine about the positive (which means he believes the little things are small and meaningless). He‘s useless.

So, could the last one be your husband? Especially if he said that he‘s not in love with you? He‘s obviously masculine about the positive, seeing the little things as small and meaningless, thus feeling compelled to do huge things for you because he thinks only those things are big enough to get credit for. But is he feminine when it comes to the negative as well? Does he blow problems out of proportion? If so, you married the wrong guy. If not and he‘s masculine when it comes to both, and therefore, what most women would regard only as "sex material" and not "boyfriend material" than you need to sit him down and have a nice long serious conversation with him and decide together where to go from here.

Ask what he meant when he said he‘s not in love with you. Ignore the man-hating crap posted by others here. He‘s your husband. Give him a chance. Just find out which of the four he is, explain to him that things don‘t have to be extravegant in order to be noticed and appreciated, ask if he still loves you as a wife, then shut up and pay attention to his answers. Then decide what to do either on your own or together.      

O boy.

  I understand and apreciate your view but it his priotities that are messed up. It really isn‘t about getting a kitten at all, it‘s about priority and actually listening to me and really taking into consideration that he has done anything and everything he wanted to do, but when it has came to the descisions I made it has to be discussed and worked out or fit to his agendas.

This fight lasted and I kid you not two and a half days worth of crying and yelling at eachother because I felt that he doesn‘t have his priorities straightened, He is almost 34 and yet he goes to the bar every week once or twice even. He does illegal activity ( herb) which is 20 bucks a week that is being taken away from my family. My kids.

Anyways not to go off topic and because i‘m just very tired, not once had he ever came to me about a decision he needed to make regarding this truck, or the things he wants, and yet the one thing I have fought for on every specail occasion was denied because of how comfortable he would not be. I never yell or even lose my temper but when I feel like he places his own material needs before the things we need I go ape ****. And I did that I got fed up and oh boy. It goes against everything I have said in the past about how a woman should conduct herself but I wanted to prove a point to him. I didn;t want roses because I keep hearing how we do not have money for certain things when I ask him and  to me that rose boundle was something I could have put towards the house or my children‘s need.And i felt it was just a huge slap in my face.

 My car, I used to have a cadilac katera very nice, he ran into someone with it and never even glanced onece at the damage and then things started to fall apart on it, he sold it for 500 bucks. NOW? I am driving his parents car with handicaped license plates that stalls out in the middle of the street if I iddle too long .

 So with my patience finally wanning and just gone.

 I took a hammer to the side of his truck.He was pissed of course and yelled at me that he was going to fix it and that it was going to be taken out of the families account, and I calmly told him, not until I see things in the house that are being taken care of first because I will make another dent and this time it will not be pretty.I have red stiletto‘s that can be dangerous.

 I have an entertainment system that was from wal-mart back in 2001, both of it‘s doors are gone, and it‘s a saftey issue, I do not allow the kids to go near it. We need new carpet yet instead he gets satalite t.v. My children‘s toys are in werehouse crates because each and everytime I have asked to get a toy box it‘s " well I want to move first before we buy anything" granted we have been in the same location for five years since then. I have a vacume cleaner that we bought on resale and the band has been broken for the last three weeks and I was told " can‘t you just use the hand-held partand do it by hand?" Yet he has new chrome wheels for his hot rod . My refridgerator on the way bottom not inside but on the bottom is rusted out ad some of the clips that holds some of the shelves are gone and it can cause saftey issues " yet" he has new interior for one of his car ( leather btw)

 I was so furious it took my dad ( which we‘re slowly talking again) TWO hours to calm me down over the phone .

 My oldest daughter needs a new dresser, our ( mine and my husband‘s is a set) some of that set she is using and one of the drawers are broken ( but he has a bose 6 speaker daul system in his trunk)

 I gues smy point is no matter what I need for the house or for myself or for the kids, it‘;s unmet yet his income is very decent , he makes about 4000 a month.

 Sorry to anyone who reads my rants and raves lately I am just. idk. I guess it‘s just really hard to apreciate roses when I see the rest of my world falling apart. And the kitten seems so trivial but I wanted to bring something into the house for the girls not just for myself.

 Ugh. Maybe I need some Xanix.

***Ugh. Maybe I need some Xanix.***

I agree....LOL....I have a whole SHITLOAD of them.....

Survived 29....wow...after reading your post...I agree a xanix might be in order....or maybe you should smoke some of your husbands herb...lol...I‘m joking...but damn...you have a lot of anger towards your husband.

Just wondering....did he get the side of his truck fixed where you smashed it with a hammer?   That was pretty aggressive on your part. 

About your entertainment system, if its a safety issue and you have kids, I would replace it or get rid of it.

And vaccum cleaner belts only cost a couple of bucks, I know I just replaced one, and I immediately went to the store and bought them...2 in a pack.  I don‘t understand why you just can‘t do that?  Do you have no access to any money of your own?

If you don‘t then, I suggest you find a part-time job, unless you have some sort of disability that prevents you.  You would be much happier if you had your own money.   You could do those little things at home that are important to you and not to him.  It sounds like he does what is important to him.  He probably figures its his money, he worked for it, and he is showing you he will spend it how he wants to.

Damn, I wouldn‘t want to be in your shoes.  You have posted a long list of things that are wrong right now, maybe you should make a list of your blessings.  What you have to be thankful for.  What keeps you two together?  Your good list should be longer than your bad list.

If its not you have a lot of work to do.

And I would start by getting that kitten you want.  Your wants and needs are as important as his.

DD