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| Kahlan |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 4:10 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 27
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Total Posts: 149
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I‘m actually sitting here, staring at the computer screen, not knowing where to start. How can you describe nearly 8 years in one single post?
He was handsome, well spoken, part of my social circle. Through friends, I found out that he liked me. We were both 18... he was mysterious, with his heavy metal t-shirts and black jeans and good looks. I couldn‘t believe my luck! I was reasonably attractive and slim, but without a solid personality. I was still finding myself, and wasn‘t part of the "in" crowd. Instead of hair and make up, I was interested in cars, heavy metal, martial arts, astronomy, animals... so when this gorgeous "rocker" showed interest in me, it didn‘t take him long to make me be with him, with poems he wrote for me, and displays of affection REALLY early on.
In all honesty, it wasn‘t meant to be a long relationship at the beginning. I wasn‘t infatuated, and in any case, boys were never a priority for me, hence the fact that when we eventually slept together, he was my first. He couldn‘t believe his luck. A virgin, one that all his friends coveted, all his to influence and shape according to his personality!
Because it was all about him. Back then, silly, naive, mindless me, thought that being the perfect girlfriend meant saying yes to everything, and crying when something upset me, eventually forgiving him everything and apologising for my behaviour, even when I was doing nothing wrong, just so he would stop talking down to me. How dare I question him! When the bombshell of "From now on, I‘m going out with my friends, and you‘re not allowed to come" dropped, I accepted it. Not accepting it meant first huge, yelling rants, threats of breaking up, and then the silent treatment. I was terrified of losing him. He was all I knew! Where else would I find someone to understand me like he did? Where would i find someone who shared my interests? Nowhere! He was the one for me!
Silly, stupid girl. I was 19. By the time I grew up a bit more and started to feel miserable about the relationship, I was hooked.
He went to the UK to study and I got myself accepted in the same university and followed him all the way to the dump that was Luton. We spent 3 years there, studied together, and then came back to Cyprus. I couldn‘t imagine life without him. I was growing up with this person. We started working, I encouraged him to get a job as an automotive journalist. He knew jack **** about cars, but at least he could pretend he did. So his ego got inflated to unbearable heights.
It was all about him. The only reason I mattered, as a person, was because I was completing him so wonderfully, and I should be honoured to be with him. Around this time I came to womansavers.com to help a friend... and started identifying, for the first time really identifying, all the things that were wrong. All of a sudden, red flags were everywhere.
He was mama‘s boy. She smothered him with sickly sweet love because he could NEVER be wrong. He always yelled at her, even when she cooked his favourite meals, paid his outstanding bills, ironed his shirts, did his laundry and interfered in our relationship as much as possible. He had ZERO responsibilities around the house. The world owed him.
(When his brother‘s girlfriend left his brother after he cheated on her, the mother spent the next 3 years insulting the ex-girlfriend, because how dare she walk away form her son. I‘m now friends with her).
When I read the signs of a narcissist, I was shocked. He fit into every single one.
Me coming from a motorsport background, he put me down in front of others every chance he got. Suddenly, according to him, he knew more about cars. His opinion mattered more. My opinion didn‘t matter because the automotive publication I was an editor of for so many years, was somehow inferior to the automotive publication he was involved in, as a plain, simple journalist.
Despite my intuition, when he proposed, I said yes. We were engaged and I accepted this as my fate. I still loved him like crazy, was addicted to him, couldn‘t imagine a world without him. I pictured myself crying on the day of my wedding, but he was all I knew. He said what we have is special, so I should stop comparing our relationship with other (normal) couples we knew. I would never find someone to love me like he did, he said. I believed him! Brainwashed through 7 years! Because after all, why would someone who loved me as much as he said he did, hurt me?
This is where womansavers saved me. I started questioning, and standing my ground. I realised I was sinking into depression. So I stopped being his punching bag. I simply had no energy for it. I withdrew. And this brought the end of the relationship, and my salvation.
I spent a week without eating, waking up each day at my friend‘s house with panic attacks, wanting to run back to him and have sex with him just so we could reconcile. After that first week, I shook off 8 years like a bad cold, and decided I‘m worth SO MUCH BETTER.
Even after the old, aged house I kept my things in was broken into and my jewellery, digital camera, phone and rally helmet were stolen, I knew nothing is irreplaceable. Least of all him, a guy I was seeing with his true colours for the first time since I was a teenager. I‘m now 27. I am liberated.
I feel that this post has not even scratched the surface of the abuse, the emotional coercion, the manipulation, the destroying of self esteem... so I‘ll end it here, with these words...
I am now with a guy who is my angel on earth. I‘m re-discovering how a relationship *should* work. There is always hope.
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| nowthatiseethetruth |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 6:47 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 31
Total Posts: 68
detroit
Michigan
United States
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Thank you for sharing.
This story is very similar to my own with my EX.
The thing that really got me, was when you thought about this being your destiny, and that you could see yourself crying at your wedding. I also saw this as my destiny, and that I was stuck with this for ever. Whenever I thought of getting married to him, all I saw was myself crying at my own wedding, because even though it‘s supposed to be one of the happiest time of a woman‘s life, I know the EX would make sure it wasn‘t.
Once again, thank you for sharing, and YOU GO GIRL!!
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| shelbelle |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 9:43 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 22
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Total Posts: 1095
lalaland
North Carolina
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| Kahlan wrote: | I‘m actually sitting here, staring at the computer screen, not knowing where to start. How can you describe nearly 8 years in one single post?
He was handsome, well spoken, part of my social circle. Through friends, I found out that he liked me. We were both 18... he was mysterious, with his heavy metal t-shirts and black jeans and good looks. I couldn‘t believe my luck! I was reasonably attractive and slim, but without a solid personality. I was still finding myself, and wasn‘t part of the "in" crowd. Instead of hair and make up, I was interested in cars, heavy metal, martial arts, astronomy, animals... so when this gorgeous "rocker" showed interest in me, it didn‘t take him long to make me be with him, with poems he wrote for me, and displays of affection REALLY early on.
In all honesty, it wasn‘t meant to be a long relationship at the beginning. I wasn‘t infatuated, and in any case, boys were never a priority for me, hence the fact that when we eventually slept together, he was my first. He couldn‘t believe his luck. A virgin, one that all his friends coveted, all his to influence and shape according to his personality!
Because it was all about him. Back then, silly, naive, mindless me, thought that being the perfect girlfriend meant saying yes to everything, and crying when something upset me, eventually forgiving him everything and apologising for my behaviour, even when I was doing nothing wrong, just so he would stop talking down to me. How dare I question him! When the bombshell of "From now on, I‘m going out with my friends, and you‘re not allowed to come" dropped, I accepted it. Not accepting it meant first huge, yelling rants, threats of breaking up, and then the silent treatment. I was terrified of losing him. He was all I knew! Where else would I find someone to understand me like he did? Where would i find someone who shared my interests? Nowhere! He was the one for me!
Silly, stupid girl. I was 19. By the time I grew up a bit more and started to feel miserable about the relationship, I was hooked.
He went to the UK to study and I got myself accepted in the same university and followed him all the way to the dump that was Luton. We spent 3 years there, studied together, and then came back to Cyprus. I couldn‘t imagine life without him. I was growing up with this person. We started working, I encouraged him to get a job as an automotive journalist. He knew jack **** about cars, but at least he could pretend he did. So his ego got inflated to unbearable heights.
It was all about him. The only reason I mattered, as a person, was because I was completing him so wonderfully, and I should be honoured to be with him. Around this time I came to womansavers.com to help a friend... and started identifying, for the first time really identifying, all the things that were wrong. All of a sudden, red flags were everywhere.
He was mama‘s boy. She smothered him with sickly sweet love because he could NEVER be wrong. He always yelled at her when she tried cooking his favourite meals, paying his outstanding bills, ironed his shirts, did his laundry and interfered in our relationship as much as possible. He had ZERO responsibilities around the house. The world owed him.
(When his brother‘s girlfriend left his brother after he cheated on her, the mother spent the next 3 years insulting the ex-girlfriend, because how dare she walk away form her son. I‘m now friends with her).
When I read the signs of a narcissist, I was shocked. He fit into every single one.
Coming from a motorsport background, he put me down in front of others every chance he got. He knew more about cars. His opinion mattered more. My opinion didn‘t matter because the automotive publication I was an editor of for so many years, was somehow inferior to the automotive publication he was involved in, as a plain, simple journalist.
Despite my intuition, when he proposed, I said yes. We were engaged and I accepted this as my fate. I still loved him like crazy, was addicted to him, couldn‘t imagine a world without him. I pictured myself crying on the day of my wedding, but he was all I knew. He said what we have is special, so I should stop comparing our relationship with other (normal) couples we knew. I would never find someone to love me like he did, he said. I believed him! Brainwashed through 7 years! Because after all, why would someone who loved me as much as he said he did, hurt me?
This is where womansavers saved me. I started questioning, and standing my ground. I realised I was sinking into depression. So I stopped being his punching bag. I simply had no energy for it. I withdrew. And this brought the end of the relationship, and my salvation.
I spent a week without eating, waking up each day at my friend‘s house with panic attacks, wanting to run back to him and have sex with him just so we could reconcile. After that first week, I shook off 8 years like a bad cold, and decided I‘m worth SO MUCH BETTER.
Even after the old, aged house I kept my things in was broken into and my jewellery, digital camera, phone and rally helmet were stolen, I knew nothing is irreplaceable. Least of all him, a guy I was seeing with his true colours for the first time since I was a teenager. I‘m now 27. I am liberated.
I feel that this post has not even scratched the surface of the abuse, the emotional coercion, the manipulation, the destroying of self esteem... so I‘ll end it here, with these words...
I am now with a guy who is my angel on earth. I‘m re-discovering how a relationship *should* work. There is always hope.
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what an awesome post! i think hope is all i have sometimes but when we lose hope...life is just aweful!
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| Funnysl |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 11:17 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 40
Total Posts: 5032
sunshine and daisies
Wyoming
United States
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Its amazing the things we put up with. Its also amazing when we wake up and say NO MORE!
Good for you!
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| tula1969 |
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Posted: 11/5/2009 8:08 PM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 39
Total Posts: 1520
Under an UMBRELLA, England
Great Britain
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Hope is powerful, it drives us and holds us when it seems like all else has failed or gone.
Its the very essense that has kept me going time after time, along with faith.
Fair play to you and all the very best for your future
Tula 
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| shally |
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Posted: 11/6/2009 3:38 PM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
Total Posts: 1652
sitting pretty on
Isle of Man
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Kahlan, thank you so much for sharing. You just don‘t know how many lives your post is going to touch. You my dear are a true blessing to this site.
With knowledge comes power, the more you read and soaked it in the more powerful you became. WS is an awesome place to be and a privilege to be a part of.Once that ‘light bulb moment‘ comes there is NO turning back - only going forward.
As long as we are breathing no matter what is going on in our lives there is hope, no matter how small, hope is what drives us.
There are good men out there, wonderful, giving, beautiful men. There is nothing in this world that can compare to being loved by a man.
Again, thank you so much for sharing!
xxxxxx
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| Kahlan |
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Posted: 11/11/2009 3:09 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 27
Total Posts: 149
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Some scattered thoughts...
It‘s the 11th of November today, and it would‘ve been the 8 year anniversary with my ex.
Thank you for your responses. I wrote the post in a hurry because reliving all those things drained me... I was giddy and upset afterwards, but I have no doubt it helped to write things down!
Sometimes I wish I had faith, Tula, but I don‘t. I wish I could believe in the afterlife, or in divine justice, but I stopped believing in god a very long time ago. I simply cannot think that way, that an outside force is looking out for me. I‘m my own god, in a way, in the sense that I‘m the one to make things happen, together with my family.
If only I had listened to my family... Wanna know what my dad told my mom, two minutes after meeting my ex? "He talks a lot, but he doesn‘t mean what he says". It took me years to figure out what he deducted almost immediately! My father always despised him but did his best to hide it. My mother was much better at hiding it... she voiced her opinion and then stayed quiet and supported me as best as she could when we got engaged...
As to things he did... where do I start..
First of all, he was never wrong. The slightest disagreement with him would start off with me trying to reason, and him embarking on a shrieking match. He would then accuse me of yelling (in his shrieky, extremely loud voice), and would go on a rant on how nobody, NOBODY has the right to say anything negative about him. This would usually end in him giving me the silent treatment and then acting as if nothing is wrong.
When my grandfather died while we were studying in the UK, his response was to avoid me because he "couldn‘t handle all the crying" and then tell me to "get over it". When I had to put a brave face and go to the post office to mail some documents, trying to keep from crying about the grandfather who I loved and who I had lost a mere FOUR HOURS beforehand, he came to me with a really excited look on his face and said "Look! I found a drinking game to play with my mates!" (and of course I was not allowed to go with him and talk to his friends, remember?)
He made me give away my dog, even though he did nothing to attend the beast when I was at work and he was at home, sitting in front of the computer all day. When we were breaking up, he admitted to having had thoughts of throttling my German Shepherd, or dumping him in a field while I was at work. All my dog did wrong in his three years with us was to chew on a remote control. How close he came to paying with his life...
I have known my current boyfriend for about four years... and one particular scene comes to mind. I remember being at a friend‘s house, me with my ex, my friend with her boyfriend, two other couples, and my boyfriend with the girl he was dating back then. I remember looking at them, him a big bear of a man, sheltering this girl who was sitting on the floor in front of him, stroking her hair and making witty remarks in the conversation that was taking place. She looked so happy, so calm, so loved, so cherished, so honoured. I remember aching inside, feeling singular, sitting there, on the sofa, while my ex was at the other side of the room and would practice his usual agenda of completely ignoring me when others were around, only throwing small, spiteful, evil glances to my side of the room whenever I would open my mouth to joke with my friends, fearful I might say something stupid, or something which might endanger his persona. It hurt, seeing how other people operated, and combining all the facts together to reach the sad realisation that this man would be my doom and that perhaps things could be better one day, if only I found the strength to distance, to kick the addiction.
My boyfriend and the pretty girl broke up a year ago because the girl, a gorgeous belly dancer, didn‘t want to commit, and instead wanted to fool around without the pressures of a relationship, but they‘re still good friends. We decided we really like each other and are now madly in love. I‘m now the girl being protected by the bear, and in return, I make sure he knows how much he‘s worth, and how much I cherish him, and that I won‘t leave him to fool around.
Incidentally, the 11th of each month is also the anniversary of my current guy. We‘re four months in the relationship already, and going stronger by the day.
Hope, my friend, thank you for not abandoning me.
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 11/11/2009 10:11 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 0
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Lacey
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Thank you Kahlan, for your post! You have come a long, long way, and it‘s wonderful that you come here and share your inspiration with others!
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| starlett68 |
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Posted: 11/11/2009 12:14 PM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| Miss Luvly1 |
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Posted: 11/22/2009 4:19 PM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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The Rondanthe
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Kahlan,
Thank you for your inspiring posts.
When I read this paragraph:
First of all, he was never wrong. The slightest disagreement with him would start off with me trying to reason, and him embarking on a shrieking match. He would then accuse me of yelling (in his shrieky, extremely loud voice), and would go on a rant on how nobody, NOBODY has the right to say anything negative about him. This would usually end in him giving me the silent treatment and then acting as if nothing is wrong.
It was like living a page out of my own relationship with my husband. My husband also had the same type of relationship with his mother. She does not believe that he would cheat, lie or abuse. He would take on ZERO responsibilities around the house and get angry and go on a rant if he was asked to ....yes get off the computer and help.
It‘s funny how we both use the same terminology for the tantrums that they do, because rant is the only way to describe it. Try to get away and he would follow me around the house. He would be happy and smiling if he got me to cry. Feed his ego is what you are there for, and ask for nothing.
My narcissist husband also thought he was a brainiac. He would jokingly say that he enrolled in college for over 4 years, but then just never went. If asked why...He would say that the classes were too easy and bored him. This is why we were paying $350/ month in student loans and he did not have a degree.
He decided to later enroll in the same tech school that I did. In the same program. I had just missed an A in Cisco, so his main concern was to beat my grade. He did...and then later I found out that he flunked his two other classes. He kept this hidden from me. I found his grades 6 months later in a computer bag. His employer was suppose to cover his tuition......IF he passed. His excuse was that he didn‘t figure correctly how much homework he had to turn in to get a C.
I was wondering what was going on when he was going to school. He would spend all his time playing computer games.
I am hoping to find someone who will truly love me. One day I hope to find a bear like yours. I have 4 children at home. My odds aren‘t so good. I refuse to settle and I am starting to accept the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life.
That concept is still better than being with my husband the narcissist. I am at least in peace. My decisions are my own, and so is my happiness.
I am glad that you are doing so well.
MissL
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| Kahlan |
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Posted: 11/26/2009 8:43 AM |
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Subject: My story... and why we shouldn‘t give up hope |
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WomanSaver Addict
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Age: 27
Total Posts: 149
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Miss Luvly, your posts were one of the things that gave me strength. You helped me waaaay back, more than you‘ll know.
This past weekend, we participated in a local motor show... I was the first one at our company stand on the morning of the second day of the exhibition, and soon afterwards one of our employees came with a newspaper and a bunch of magazines. One of the magazines was a lifestyle publication... and I found myself having the urge to open it and flick through the pages to the social events section. Sure enough... there was a picture of my ex, proudly posing with his new girlfriend.
I went white. I could literally feel the blood draining from my face and the pulse on my neck. His face was so familiar, his clothes were familiar, his arrogant posture was familiar, and he was holding the girl by her waist, her arms around his neck. I felt shock, sadness, grief, relief. A visitor came by and asked me questions, and I found myself talking to him mechanically, wondering if he noticed any change in my composure. When he left, I opened the magazine again.
Shock, because I was finally replaced. Sadness, that the familiar became unfamiliar. Grief, for the **** he put me through. Relief, because I was no longer the girl thrown off-balance by him.
She really did seem off balance. The way he held her looked as though he had literally grabbed her and pulled her to him when he saw the camera. She was smiling, this generic looking girl. The photo opportunity was at a car launch by Nissan. She has nothing to do with cars, I thought. Cyprus is a pretty small island, I‘d know if she did. In fact, she looked like the kind of girl who‘s afraid of big dogs. She seemed to have nothing in common with him.
The following thought occured: Sounds perfect for him. Now he can finally show off, with the girl being none the wiser. I wasn‘t too good at admiring him towards the end. So she will listen to him ramble on about stuff she has no idea about, and she will admire him. He will say stupid, ignorant things, and she‘ll be just nodding prettily. How pleased he must be.
Then... I thought of him finally going out, getting out of the house, doing all the social activities I was literally BEGGING him to do for 7 years, when he would lock himself in the house and sit in front of the computer... all those nights, when we were invited to places, and I always ended up going alone. Because of his standard answer: "What‘s the point of going out? What‘s the point of getting out of the house when I have everything I have right here? What‘s the point of spending money on drinks?"
She‘ll be hearing stories about me, this girl. He‘ll be telling her what a cruel, cruel girlfriend I was, withholding sex and not catering to his emotional needs. She‘ll have promised herself that she won‘t repeat the same mistakes as me. She‘ll do her best to please him, and one day, nothing she does will ever be good enough. I wonder when the abuse will start.
Ya know what? It‘s not my problem anymore.
Thankfully though, there is a strange kind of karma for this kind of situation... my bear arrived at the stand, and helped around. One of the organisers walked past, and took a picture of the two of us, for the magazine. I put my arm around my bear‘s waist, and stuck my tongue out at the camera. It will end up in the magazine. I wish I could say that I don‘t care whether the ex will see it or not, but I‘d be lying if I did. Guilty, devilish pleasure!
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