WomanSavers.com Forum / GENERAL / My Stepmother is Critically Ill

Rhi, isn’t it wonderful to know a person like your stepmom who has impacted your life like her?  A rare gem indeed.

It‘s been a very rough week.  I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted, and the tears just keep coming.  Everything makes me cry!  My therapist would be so proud, LOL.

I am learning all I can about endocarditis on the Internet, and just trying to brace myself for whatever comes.  Her condition is not improving, and she is extremely weak and sleeping a lot.  I don‘t have a good feeling for the way that things are going.  I know, though, that the best doctors are working on the case.

Your encouragement, kind words, and emotional support have been a godsend.  I am really grateful to all of you for being there for me.

Yes, I have been lucky to have her in my life.  It was impossible to be depressed around her because she was so spunky and full of life.  She‘d get pissed before she‘d get depressed, and listening to her bitch was great fun.  As angry as she has sometimes made me over the years, I really wish she would leap up out of that bed and start bitching!  Then we could see her being her usual self!

You know me - I love with my whole heart.  With passion, intensity, and tremendous feeling, and when I have to say good bye to someone I love, it just breaks my heart. 

There have just been too many good byes. I guess it is part of life, but it really sucks.  Like why couldn‘t it be that asshole ex-husband, for instance???  You know?

I cling to the good memories.  There were a helluva lot of them.  Not just her, but my dad, and his brothers (my uncles) who were all life of the party, and such great people.  The world was a better and brighter place just because they were in it. 

There was the Christmas where my dad said, "I think I‘m going to get her a bathrobe for Christmas.  I think I‘ll buy it in purple or yellow."  Then he smirked and said, "I don‘t think she likes yellow."  She snapped, "I HATE yellow!!"  Of course, we all died laughing.  (Purple was also a hated color of hers)  He loved to tease her because she‘d get so pissed.  

Oh - they were so much fun.  In spite of my current misery, it still makes me smile.

***There have just been too many good byes. I guess it is part of life, but it really sucks.  Like why couldn‘t it be that asshole ex-husband, for instance???  You know?***

I know you were only kidding Rhi (I hope)...Because I truly felt this way once too...until it was really happening.

I didn‘t want to help him....

I was so mad that he did that to himself and would be leaving me with NO father‘s to all my children...

I didn‘t feel it was my responsibility to dole out his meds, meet hospice every couple of days...etc. 

 I totally didn‘t want the job of being named his medical directive....

I didn‘t want to sleep on a loveseat for 4 days feeding him morphine...waiting for the end. ( I am absolutely afraid of dead bodies).

And boy oh boy I sure didn‘t like shelling out 13,000 for his funeral....

You see...he had a wife!! I was not his wife any more. Not to mention all the SHITTY things he did to me during the 15-16 years we were together.

But....I saw my children suffering. The wife spoke barely any english. She was nice enough, but un-equipped to take care of things properly. No matter what he did to me... he was dying, and he was my kids dad. I decided that giving my kids peace by showing their dad love/compassion, was far more important than continuing my hateful feelings.

I am not a saint....but I see the respect in my kids faces to this day....I am at peace with my decision.....

DeeDee5 wrote:

evesdrop wrote: ***There have just been too many good byes. I guess it is part of life, but it really sucks.  Like why couldn‘t it be that asshole ex-husband, for instance???  You know?*** I know you were only kidding Rhi (I hope)...Because I truly felt this way once too...until it was really happening. I didn‘t want to help him.... I was so mad that he did that to himself and would be leaving me with NO father‘s to all my children... I didn‘t feel it was my responsibility to dole out his meds, meet hospice every couple of days...etc.   I totally didn‘t want the job of being named his medical directive.... I didn‘t want to sleep on a loveseat for 4 days feeding him morphine...waiting for the end. ( I am absolutely afraid of dead bodies). And boy oh boy I sure didn‘t like shelling out 13,000 for his funeral.... You see...he had a wife!! I was not his wife any more. Not to mention all the SHITTY things he did to me during the 15-16 years we were together. But....I saw my children suffering. The wife spoke barely any english. She was nice enough, but un-equipped to take care of things properly. No matter what he did to me... he was dying, and he was my kids dad. I decided that giving my kids peace by showing their dad love/compassion, was far more important than continuing my hateful feelings. I am not a saint....but I see the respect in my kids faces to this day....I am at peace with my decision.....   Eves.....you have a heart of gold....I remember thinking that when you told me about this on the phone.  I believe god will have a special place for you in heaven some day.....you are truly a remarkable, special person with a huge forgiving, caring, wonderful heart......

Thank You DeeDee...There are quite a few people here that I think could take my situation and learn from it. Hate/Anger is an AWEFUL feeling that just continues to fester inside you. Forgivness/Love is a GREAT feeling that continues to grow inside you. Which one do you all think is better. I made my choice, and I‘m not sorry for it. As Rhi said....people (even family) make you angry, but if and when you are ready to lose them or have lost them... it really hits home.

Whatever happens between you and Touche...you both need to remember that if something were to happen, DEATH is final!! There is NO going back. I didn‘t want to live with the guilt of non-forgivness or things left unsaid. To be really honest...I‘m tired of reading both of your crap. I love you both...but get over it already. You are both stubborn, and are going to be sorry for it...trust me, I know. There are other people here with bigger fish to fry...re: Rhi for example.

Hope you are feeling better, and not so down Rhi...I‘m thinking of you....chin up girlfriend.

Eves

I am back  The doctors have done everything they can.  She has had multiple strokes, and they pulled her off the respirator.  She is in a coma, has gone blind, cannot talk, and is now breathing 3 - 4 breaths per minute.  I was assured that she could hear us, so we each took a turn speaking to her. They moved her out of intensive care, and the decision has made that she will be allowed to die.  They have her on enough morphine to eliminate most of the pain.

It is very, very hard, and I spent the weekend greeting relatives, and saying good bye.  There was good family bonding, even though it was a very sad occasion.

I am emotionally exhausted.  It is a very, very hard time.  This has definitely not been an easy year.

Eves:  Re. My ex-husband.  Yes, that was dark humor on my part.  No, I havcn‘t wished him dead.  However, I won‘t deny that I would rather see it happen to an evil person like him than my stepmom or my dad.  He may be God‘s child, but that doesn‘t make him mine, and I feel that I have every right to not like the man - father of my children or not. 

I can appreciate your experience with your ex-husband, Eves, and I admire and respect you for it.  It takes a very big person to do what you did.  I could do that for my alcoholic ex-BF, but I can‘t do it for a man who hit me and terrorized our family.  Forgiveness or not - I wouldn‘t treat my worst enemy that way he treated our family - particularly his children. 

None of this is about him. 

Humor is one of my coping strategies!   

Rhi, you are in my thoughts.  Get some rest okay?

Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts, PMs, and wonderful emotional support.

My stepmother died at 2:00 AM this morning.  It has been a very, very hard day, made more stressful by the fact that certain cousins of mine thought they would plan a memorial service without me.  I was very upset - so upset that I paid for gas, and drove off without filling my tank.  I was halfway down the freeway before I realized my mistake.  So I guess you could say I really "paid it forward" today, LOL!!!

I wrote a eulogy this afternoon, which I insisted on, and at first, they tried to butt me out of the way.  I anticipated that, managed to remain civil, and then politely asked to see what had been written.  Then I very nicely asked if I could add my comments to the same document.  (What I really wanted to do was kick some ass)  They didn‘t know how to say no - so I just sat down, and started typing and kept right on typing, and then they wanted to read what I‘d written.  I said I would share it with them when I was finished composing my thoughts.  I think the cousins pretty well "got it" that I was not to be talked out of it.  I wrote about her exactly the way she really was, and spent hours tweaking it.  The memorial service is planned for Saturday. 

The legal battles begin next...

I‘m really going to miss her.  Life just isn‘t going to be the same without her.  I loved her so much.  I feel a great big hole in my heart.

I am jusy now reading this . I am so so sorry .

please make sure to take care of yourself,eat and drink.

and the ladies in here will be here for you threw this all,and god is with you every step of the way.

your dad and her together again,and you are very lucky you had her in your life.most people dont like step parents.but you have had  a great one and she will always be with you you for every.

my prayers are with you and your family.

Rhi, I am truly sorry for your loss. She sounded like a wonderfull person. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,

Yasmina

Massive  for you Rhi,

When my Nan died, I took a little comfort from words. Well, I mean when I was ready to.

All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland

T

Thank you so much! 

That poem was a lovely touch, Tula, and thank you for that.  That made me feel a lot better.You are one cool lady, and I really like you.

For that matter - you are all wonderful women, and I appreciate your comeraderie and support.  You are all a class act, and I love you very much.