sorry i haven‘t got back to you, i did get this in my email and thought you would like to read it. good luck.
My boyfriend is really friendly with a female co-worker and it‘s
driving me crazy. They eat lunch together every day (just the two
of them), they IM each other all day long even though they work a
few cubicles away, and they‘re always going out for happy hour
drinks after work. I‘m never invited.
He told me she wasn‘t attractive, but when I met her (by accident,
we bumped into her on the street) I was floored by how pretty she
is. I‘m even more freaked out by how stand-offish she was to me.
It seemed like she went out of her way to reference all of their
inside jokes in front of me so I‘d feel left out.
My boyfriend says that there‘s never been any physical contact
whatsoever - she‘s just a ‘buddy‘ and that he‘s in love with me.
She‘s engaged to another guy and my boyfriend claims that the
fiancé is fine with the situation.
Am I being unreasonable or is this inappropriate?
Green with jealousy,
Katrina
Needham, MA"
********************************************************************
PAIGE‘S DATING DISH TIP: "To Save Your Relationship, You Need to
Set Boundaries"
********************************************************************
My response:
To Arielle, Katrina, and anyone else who may be experiencing a
similar dilemma...
First things first: NO... you are NOT being unreasonable or overly
possessive. Your reaction - confusion, hurt, feeling insecure or
threatened - is absolutely normal under the circumstances. If the
relationship your boyfriend has with his girl "friend" or work
"buddy," WASN‘T raising a red flag for you, THAT would be abnormal!
Of course trust is an essential component to any successful
relationship. I‘m not trying to stir up suspicion or encourage
jealous or possessive behavior. Your boyfriend may very well love
you and not feel one iota of attraction toward his "friend," as he
claims. However, no matter what his (or his "buddy‘s") motives are,
the truth is that the behavior is inappropriate.
Even if it‘s true that there has been no physical contact, the
level of EMOTIONAL intimacy that‘s present in their so-called
friendship is disrespectful to you.
The good news is that your guy probably never had any intention to
cheat and therefore didn‘t premeditate this situation. The intimacy
most likely developed slowly, over time, without him realizing what
was happening.
In Arielle‘s case, her boyfriend may just be an outgoing, friendly
guy who enjoys friendships with women. He may be more sensitive
than most guys and able to communicate freely, which may be why he
prefers to hang with girl FRIENDS. OR there could be more to it. He
could be insecure about himself and boosts his ego by keeping a
harem of girl "friends" around to make himself feel desirable, in
demand, and with plenty of options should his relationship with
Arielle go sour.
For the sake of argument, let‘s say his motives ARE totally pure
(he just wants to be there for his friends, he enjoys their
company), his actions are inappropriate and are likely laying the
groundwork for a possible future infidelity.
One problem is that he is spending lots of his free time with these
women. (Arielle mentioned that he sees at least two women 2 times a
week... that doesn‘t leave much time left over for Arielle!)
The more dangerous problem is that he‘s become the confidante of
these women - keeping one company while her husband is away, helping
the other one through the breakup of her marriage. If these women
are opening up to him about intimate details of their lives, I have
no doubt that he‘s sharing his personal thoughts and feelings with
them... thoughts and feelings that should be reserved for Arielle.
In Katrina‘s case, the office environment can be tricky...
These days, we‘re not just working 9 to 5 ... 10 hour workdays
(and longer) are becoming the norm for many people in the corporate
world. When you spend so much time in one place, you‘re bound to
develop a social life within the constraints of your work
environment.
When those social ties are appropriate (same-sex friendships or
acquaintance-level, platonic opposite-sex friendships) it‘s a
perfectly healthy, acceptable, and even vital way to get through
the workday.
However, problems can occur when opposite-sex friendships develop
without proper boundaries in place. It may start with personal
jokes - silly banter or office pranks that they share to cut
through the boredom of a workday (think Jim and Pam from TV‘s
"The Office"). This is dangerously close to flirting.
Then they continue to slide down the slippery slope of office
intimacy... for example Katrina‘s boyfriend may start sharing news
of his career successes and failures with his work ‘buddy‘ first
(or exclusively), which creates a bond with her that should be
reserved for his partner in life, Katrina. From there, it becomes
easy to start sharing tidbits about his personal life "Katrina‘s a
lousy cook, but she tries," and finally revealing extremely
intimate details about your relationship, "We got in a huge fight
last night and she made me sleep on the couch." This is very
dangerous, as it is a violation of the trust and closeness a
boyfriend and girlfriend share and opens the door to a possible
infidelity.
If this is happening with your boyfriend, you are right not to take
this lightly. In fact, a recent study shows that 62% of all affairs
start in the workplace!
So whether it‘s with a new or old "friend," a co-worker, or any
woman in your man‘s life... how can you tell whether a friendship
is fine or is crossing the line?
Ask yourself the following questions:
* Is he interacting with her on a regular basis by CHOICE (e.g.
they work on different floors but routinely meet in the
cafeteria for lunch) rather than necessity (e.g. they‘re in the
same department at work)?
* Is he overly secretive about her, or does he talk about her
constantly and emphatically (e.g. "Cassie‘s so funny!" "Cassie‘s
so easy to talk to ...")?
* When they spend time together, do they exclude others (friends,
significant others, co-workers) so they can "catch-up" one on
one?
* Are you excluded or made to feel unwelcome when they spend time
together?
* Do you get the sense that he‘s trying to keep you and his
"friend" from meeting?
* If you have met her, does she act awkward, uncomfortable, rude
or competitive?
* Does he confide in her about personal matters? Does she know
details about your relationship?
* Does he compare you to her (e.g. "Stop nagging me! Why can‘t you
be laid-back like Cassie?")?
If you answered "Yes" to one or more of these questions, you may
have reason to be alarmed.
So what can you DO about this emotional infidelity?
Here‘s an action plan to help put a stop to it before things go any
further:
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
PAIGE‘S SIX-STEP EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY ACTION PLAN:
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
1. BEGIN BY GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
Some men truly don‘t recognize that their friendships with women
cross over into inappropriateness.
2. EXPLAIN YOUR FEELINGS.
Try saying something like, "I love the relationship that we have
and I trust YOU, but I am uncomfortable with how close you are
to Cassie."
3. CLARIFY THAT IT‘S NOT THE MOTIVE, IT‘S THE BEHAVIOR.
Your boyfriend may truly see nothing wrong with his special
friendship, especially if he truly has no romantic feelings
toward her. Explain calmly that his motives behind the
friendship are not in question, but that his behavior (spending
one-on-one time with her, confiding in one another, not
integrating you into the friendship) is inappropriate for
someone in a committed relationship and it needs to change.
4. SET SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES.
Let your boyfriend know, in no uncertain terms, what you are and
are not comfortable with. For example, "I‘d prefer that you and
Cassie not spend time alone, but I‘d be happy to go out as a
group."
5. GET PROACTIVE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Show your boyfriend that he doesn‘t need to look to another
woman to get his emotional needs met. You can do this by
demonstrating more of an interest in his life. For example,
instead of just saying, "Hi honey, how was your day," try
getting more specific, "So...tell me about the big client pitch
today!"
6. RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THROUGH IF HE DOESN‘T
RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.
If your boyfriend violates the boundaries that you set (or
refuses to agree to them in the first place), break off the
relationship. He can‘t have his cake and eat it too, and you
deserve to be with a man who will make you the #1 woman in his
life... NO CONTEST.