Hi Mariposa,
Been there, done that! Good news! You absolutely can control the kind of men you attract. You can change it relatively quickly with a huge commitment to loving yourself...
You sound a bit hopeless about it, like there is something wrong with you. Yes, you are not as good as you can be, or as good as you WILL be soon with some ssimple tools and some serious dedication to yourself.
The bottom line is that we attract others (friends included) based on the way we feel about ourselves at the time. When I didn‘t see myself as truly beautiful and magnificent, I attracted men who pointed out and poked at my deepest wounds. I didn‘t realize it, but I attracted them, and especially the man who battered me for 2 years, because I was --in my SUBCONSCIOUS-- focussing much energy and thought on how not beautiful I felt.
Picking "losers" is a way you give feedback to yourself on how you feel about yourself. THERE IS NO FAILURE; ONLY FEEDBACK! Stop beating yourself up, because that is keeping you in the same pattern.
Abusers (both male and female) have this radar that targets mates who have less resistence to their manipulations.
So, what boosts our resistance to unhealthy manipulations? Self esteem. Not the lipstick, I‘m-goin-to-the-bar-to-dance-my-ass-off variety... no, that‘s all bandaid and no healing.
Try these 3 simple exercises.
Spend time every day (21 minutes in a row if you can) and begin to IMAGINE WITH GREAT DETAIL what it feels like to have --in the NOW-- the relationship you wish for.... not what he looks like, but what it FEELS like to feel his friendship, gratitude, and love. It‘s a challenge at first, keep at it... as this can be very powerful.
Every time you catch yourself feeling down on yourself, say to yourself (outloud, if you can) "I am a perfect beautiful being, deserving of love, peace, and blessings." repeat it over and over. write it down and carry in your pocket. Don‘t be discouraged.... it will feel like a lie at first. ignore that and do it anyway.
Try this ancient Hawaiian healing prayer. You can do this with any issue, but please start with yourself. Say it to the mirror if you can: "I love you. I‘m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you." say it over and over, to yourself, to your higher self, to your internal divinity, to God. Apologize for not being gentle with yourself. For inviting people into your life who are hurting you. For struggling with this. whatever hurts, love it.
Again, it is very strange at first, but this is how I healed 16 years ago. It took me 6 to 9 very intense months of this and journaling, and reading, and thinking... but it ccan be done. I have trouble with the simple "get out" advice, because I find it‘s rarely that easy in practice. The average battered woman leaves on average SEVEN TIMES BEFORE SHE LEAVES FOR GOOD! So, every time is practice. Don‘t give up on yourself! You can‘t possibly even see right now how beautiful you are, and how much you have to offer, and how much bliss is just waiting for you to feel worthy!
Please keep up the postings... I look forward to hearing your feedback (and anyone else‘s) on your experience with these ideas.
Kristen Annastasia Artist/Poet/Survivor!