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MESSAGE
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| QueenOfDenial |
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Posted: 1/13/2010 10:28 AM |
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Subject: Am I in danger here? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 37
Total Posts: 37
Lincoln
Nebraska
United States
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I posted a couple months ago about finding my husband on a bdsm dating site, and now I‘ve found he‘s been texting a guy (who lives 1,000 miles away) who claims to be a bi sexual crossdresser. I have no idea what they‘re up to, but they texted each other 72 times in 24 hours, as well as a few 15 minute phone calls. I want to print off our phone bills and show him that I know about the texts and that I found the guys posting about being crossdresser,etc. but I‘m a little scared to confront him. When I‘ve confronted him in the past, he denys things and lies to my face and acts like it‘s no big deal and then tries to turn it all on me. He says that since I‘m on Facebook, I must looking for someone new. (I‘m not, though maybe I should be!) he says he‘s read through my emails and "found some questionable things" but of course when I ask him for specifics he can‘t come up with anything because there is nothing.
He‘s been violent in the past., always when he‘s been very drunk. He gets very jealous and freaks out with all kinds of accuastions, but none have been true. It‘s always when I know that he‘s been up to something he shouldn‘t be doing, almost as if he‘s projecting his own behavior on me. "I‘m cheating, she must be too" kind of thing. The amount of texts and phone calls is obsessive. It his secret life. None of his friends know any of this. Is this just some sexual addiction, or is he some kind of socio-path that I should be afraid of?
I‘ve pretty much stopped any kind of sexual intimacy with him because I can‘t stop thinking and wondering what is going on. I have no idea if he has or would physically cheat, but what he HAS done leaves me feeling unloved and unattractive. I don‘t want to risk him bringing home a disease.
I want to confront him and ask him once and for all to stop. I just want a normal, drama free life, a normal marriage and make a nice home for my daughter. I can‘t afford to divorce him, so I guess I have no choice, to try to either get him to stop or just learn to deal with it. I need advice!
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| Susan Bartelstone |
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Posted: 1/21/2010 1:50 PM |
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Subject: Am I in danger here? |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 53
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Total Posts: 144
NYC
New York
United States
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Dear Queen - I‘m sorry to hear this situation has not been resolved and I really feel you need to speak with a mental health professional to get some kind of clarity about what‘s going on here.
It‘s my opinion that you‘ll be never be able to find a normal, drama-free life, a normal marriage and a nice home for your and your daughter with this man until either or both of you (preferably) is in therapy -- IF THEN -- but a psychologist or therapist would be the one to evaluate this!
What is in my bailiwick, however, is the question of his violence towards you. His behavior, as mentioned in your post, is typical of domestic violence situations. I strongly urge you to find a Family Justice Center in your area, which can provide information on your legal options regarding this question as well as divorce issues. The national website is www.familyjusticecenter.org and you will be able to locate a facility in your area (if there is one).
Otherwise, please find a local domestic violence group or women‘s organization. Please don‘t think you have no options, no matter what your financial situation is.
A few more resources for information about DV and programs in your area that can help you:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233: http://www.ndvh.org/
The Domestic Violence Awareness Project: WWW.dvam.vawnet.org/
US Dept of Justice list of national DV organizations: http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/dv-nationalorg.htm
Please take action immediately for your safety and peace of mind (and that of your child).
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| Susan Bartelstone |
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Posted: 1/21/2010 2:12 PM |
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Subject: Am I in danger here? |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 53
Total Posts: 144
NYC
New York
United States
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One more resource for you: Survivors in Action (www.survivorsinaction.com) started by Alexis Moore. She gives a lot of info on her site about starting over when you have nothing.
She was a guest on my radio show Crime Prevention 101, which airs tonight (1/21) and will be available as a podcast.
If you‘d care to listen: http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=43951
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| Susan Bartelstone |
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Posted: 3/19/2010 12:11 PM |
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Subject: Am I in danger here? |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 53
Total Posts: 144
NYC
New York
United States
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I featured your question on my Crime Prevention 101 radio show on 3/4/10 because it was such an important one and a widespread problem.
Here‘s a link to the show in case you missed it:
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=44889
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