WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SUSAN BARTELSTONE, CERTIFIED CRIME PREVENTION AND PERSONAL SAFETY SPECIALIST / How do you know an abuser has changed.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I know firsthand what it takes to change one‘s behavior and what CHANGE really means. You will need to see SUSTAINED, LONG-TERM recovery work, and SUSTAINED, LONG-TERM behavioral changes. You will need to see your husband working BOTH programs diligently, for several years & beyond.

In AA, that means going to A LOT of meetings, probably every day, for at least several months.  Then several meetings a week....probably forever! (not kidding here) He will need to get a sponsor & start working his steps. Of course, no drinking, no marijuana maintenance - clean & sober living from here on out.

I‘m not sure what the domestic violence program entails, but he better be going to EVERY meeting, he better be meeting with his counselor on a regular basis, he better be doing everything they tell him to do!

Work with a therapist wouldn‘t hurt either.

You didn‘t get into your husband‘s past behavior, but if you kicked him out (or the cops took him out), it must have been bad. He doesn‘t need to be home to start working on himself. In fact, things at home might be a distraction to him FROM working on himself.

Stand up for yourself & tell him you want to see SUSTAINED, LONG-TERM work from him, true change on his part, before he can come back. Let him miss you & the kids. This is a taste of what he could lose - let him feel what that‘s like. He won‘t change if there are no consequences. If it hurts bad enough to be away, that might spur him into action - he might do whatever it takes to change & be back with you all.

Or, he may not. Be prepared for that. It‘s VERY HARD to change negative behaviors. One truly must want to change more than anything else. He may work things half-assed, then stop. That isn‘t good enough for you - remember that!

I firmly believe people CAN change, but it won‘t happen overnight. It won‘t happen without A LOT of hard, deep, soul-searching work by your husband. You & the kids can INSPIRE him to change, but he can‘t do it FOR YOU. He has to do it for himself.

Good luck to you all. Stand strong - he is an alcoholic abuser - more often they do not change. Be prepared.

Merry Christmas too!

UB

I asked one of my panel of experts your question and here‘s what Beth Scullin, head of the Brooklyn DA‘s Special Victims Unit (SCULLINB@BrooklynDA.org), said in answer:

My conservative response to this woman, without having the opportunity to speak with her, would be that this sounds like a dangerous crossroads in an already violent situation and that her concerns are valid and real.

She should reach out to a professional, impartial organization (i.e National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to process her thoughts and receive safety planning assistance specific to her needs.  I‘d also be happy to help her find local resources.

Longer term-surviving domestic violence, whether or not the
relationship ends, is a real trauma and requires real treatment
(counseling, group etc.) to assist the healing process. I am also happy to speak to this woman personally if that is at all helpful, so please give her my email address.

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SB‘s Comments: I‘d also like to add that I agree with the earlier poster about the seriousness of the alcohol issue and I‘d recommend that your husband be regularly attending a substance abuse program like Alcohol Anonymous (with a commitment to do so for life, as that is the only way it is successful) before you agree to take him back in the house.

As Beth suggested, get counseling for yourself so you won‘t succumb to the pressure from his friends and family; have a safety plan in place so you‘re prepared for any eventuality;  and only take him back when you‘re sure he is ready to come home.  Counseling for you will be critical in this regard and I urge you to email her.

I wish you luck with this and urge you to contact Beth or someone local to you for help.  Let me know what happens.

Just want you to know that I found your question so important that I devoted a whole segment to it on my radio show, Crime Prevention 101, on 1/17/10.

My guest was Juan Ramos, Program Director of the Domestic Violence Accountability Program (Batters Group) at Safe Horizon, the nation’s leading victim assistance organization with more than 80 victim assistance programs located throughout the five boroughs of New York City.

If you‘d like to hear the show:  http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=43873

Let me know what happens with this.