Should I be afraid?

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Foxxfire2081

Posted: 5/16/2009 6:58 PM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

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Age: 27

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Hi,

I came across this site doing some research on personality disorders, regarding specifically, Love Obsession, or Possessiveness.

I met a guy about 3 weeks ago. I was sitting in my best friends car at a gas station while she ran inside the store. We were on our way to a local festival. This guy, Kyle, drove up to access a gas pump, and stopped window to window, in front of me, and began to express his admiration for my beauty. He pulled up to the pump, and came over to the passenger side window, where we chatted flirtatiously for a minuet before my friend returned. We exchanged numbers, and me and my friend were on our way.

I felt good, light even, after the encounter. He has a bright smile, deep thoughtful eyes, and seemed to be an intellectual. I was very attracted to him right away.

I called him a few days later, and we met up. The level of intensity between us was overwhelming, and I gave into my emotions, without regard to my reason. Our sex life was amazing, the conversation, the connection. I felt like we had been together for years, and it was only !days! We called each other in the morning when we first woke up, and would talk at night until our phones died, if we weren�t together.

On day 10 or 11 from our first meeting, my best friend�s son broke his arm, and she called to ask if I would go to the hospital with her. I called Kyle, and let him know that I was going with her, and would call him when he got out of work.

I spent about 2 hours in the hospital, before I excused myself to go smoke a cigarette. When I stepped outside, the reception returned to my phone, and I had 10 Text messages from Kyle. One asking if he could come see me that night, and 9 ugly text�s graduating from, "why aren�t you answering me". To "you must be with someone more important then me". To calling me a slut. I got angry, and called him. When he didn�t answer, I left an ugly voicemail letting him know that I would not be disrespected by him or anyone like that, and if he has issues with insecurity, he could take that S*** somewhere else.

I was barraged that evening with insulting, degrading, accusatory texts, and voice mails. None of which did I answer back to. I did send him a text asking him to stop calling me, and texting me, and to not come to my home, as he was no longer welcome in my life, after the things he said.

I did not respond to him for 6 days. I had over 100 text messages and between 2 and 10 voice mails coming in about every 48 to 72 hours. All of which were; I am sorry, I have never been like this about someone before, forgive me, I didn�t mean it, I miss you, I am sorry, we have something special, I was drunk, I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry, I will do anything to make this up to you, and I am sorry.

Last night the message stated, "I am coming to see you, so call me when you get this." I was so angry because he was breaking all the boundaries I set, completely. Don�t call me, don�t text me, and do not come to my home.

So, I called the police. The police came and left, as he had not arrived yet, and about 5 minuets later he showed up. I called the police again, and stood close to a covered window. (on the second floor). He entered the building, and knocked on the door. He went outside and called my name up to the window, and came back in to knock on the door. He did not bang hard. He did not raise his voice. Just cursed a lot because I would not answer him. This lasted about 20 minuets. He left, and the police showed back up, about 5 minuets later. ( He did try the door knob the first time he came to the door.)

I had already had a few drinks, because me and my best friend were going out, and after he left I called her to come get me. The police stayed till she got there. I was upset and started drinking more.

In my infinite, drunken, brilliance, I decided that I should take my drunk rear end over to his job and confront him. ( He is the door man/security, for an upper class night spot in the city, located inside an executive building, best described as having a mall type layout. You enter in large glass doors, and the entrance to the night spot is about 100 feet in, on the left. His post is at a small desk right in front of the door to the night spot.

I made my friend go with me, even though she didn�t want to, and thought this was a really bad idea. Thank goodness she loves me.

He saw me coming from the big glass doors, and turned his head away from me. I walked right up to him, and started going off. Not loud enough for anyone around to really understand what was happening, but enough that people noticed something was going on.

I was belligerent, saying "You want to talk to me? Well I am here now, so talk!" Then when he would try to say something I would say, "Excuse me, did I look like I was finished speaking?" I reprimanded him for breaking all the boundaries I set. For the ugly things he said to me. For disrespecting me, and questioning my integrity after only knowing him for a week. I told him that he downright scares me, and if it came down to it I would not be an easy target. I told him that I think he is psycho for the way he was acting, and that I think he needs professional help. This all happened in less then 10 minuets. By the time I was ready to leave, he was shaking. I was shaking, and I had this overwhelming feeling of relief being able to see him again, even though I wanted him arrested an hour before.

I am so confused. Obviously.

I don�t believe in love at first sight. I do believe there is something emotional, and deep, between the both of us. I don�t know if I am more attracted to him, or more attracted to how much he pines over me, puts me on a pedestal, and talks to me like I am a princess.

There is no excuse for him to say ugly things to me because I have no service in a hospital. There is also no excuse for me showing up at his job in the condition I was in.

I feel out of character, and I am fighting to figure out if he is a psycho, or if we have something rare. Am I a psycho too then?

He called me from some number I didn�t recognize today, and when I answered, he said "don�t hang up!, don�t hang up!, don�t hang up!. Please!" I listened. He proceeded to apologize again. He says he has not been with a woman in over a year, and his past relationships have ended with women cheating on him a lot. He told me that he feels out of control when it comes to me. That he didn�t think he could ever feel something like this with someone, and so fast. He admitted he has trust issues on top of not knowing me well, and does not know how to react. He is begging me for a second chance.

I told him I think he needs professional help. That he really freaked me out with the obsessive calling and texting. I did not find that to be normal or acceptable. He says in response to that, He knows he disrespected me, and because I would not respond to him he didn�t feel he had an opportunity to apologize or explain himself, and how he is feeling. He said he would introduce me to any of his friends and they could tell me he is not like that with anyone.

I told him that when people find out their neighbour is a serial killer they are in shock, and everyone can�t believe that this community leader was living a double life, with little boys chopped up in the basement.

I know this is long, but I am at a loss.

If this is real love at first sight sort of stuff, I don�t want to miss out on the opportunity because of an over emotional moment. A mistake. Sleeping together too soon.

If he is crazy. Will I be able to walk away a second time?

I am thinking to set a specific list of boundaries, and advise him that if he can keep them, then I will consider expanding the list little by little until I feel comfortable, as my feelings of trust and safety have been lost at this point.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Lexus~

EDIT : 5/21/2009... Removed my history description, and his.

Susan Bartelstone

Posted: 5/19/2009 3:28 PM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

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Response to Should I be afraid?

I didn�t even have to read your description of this man (or what you believe you know about him because people do lie); but I know he�s exhibiting classic stalking behavior and classic behavior that�s indicative of domestic violence in a sustained relationship � the controlling behavior, the accusations, the contriteness after he�s been called out, the begging and pleading to be taken back and given another chance, the �poor me� history in an attempt to justify his behavior; in fact all of it. Unfortunately, this type of behavior characteristically gets worse over time instead of better, and often progresses to physical violence or worse.

Strong attractions are very seductive, but people that exhibit this type of behavior are a really bad bet in terms of achieving a healthy, loving, non-abusive relationship. There are no �boundaries� possible here. Listen to my 2/14/08 radio show Crime Prevention 101 on dating safety, which featured Stephanie Alexander, founder of WomanSavers.com for a whole lot of tips on dealing with stalkers (http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=36244). In the meantime, here are a few suggestions:

1. check w/ your phone service provider: a variety of screening devices are available; you may have to switch providers to get the screening capability you want. You may also have to consider changing your number to an unlisted one and give it out very sparingly.

2. Consider filing for an order of protection if the harassment starts up again. Rather than just calling the police during an incident, try to find a Family Justice Center in your area (www.familyjusticecenter.org will tell you locations) to get help mapping out a legal strategy; or see if your local DA‘s office has a stalking unit. Another possible referral source is a local domestic violence center or woman‘s organization. Each state has different laws on stalking and there are merits and limitations for an Order of Protection. You‘ll want to know these so you can make the best decision about whether to file or not.

3. Consider getting an inexpensive security system if you feel he might try to break into your house. A good resource here is www.homesecurity911.com. (a great website with lots of home safety information). My radio shows on 7/26/08, 8/9/08 and 8/16/08 deal with home safety tips (all shows are archived by subject on www.susanbartelstone.com/crimeprevention101radio.html).

4. Get a canister of pepper foam for the house and pepper spray for outdoors. Download my "Using Defense Spray" tip sheet from my website safety tips page.

Let me know how things work out.

Foxxfire2081

Posted: 5/21/2009 7:35 PM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

New WomanSaver
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Age: 27

Total Posts: 4
Rochester
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I really appreciate the feed back.

The day after I originally wrote out this story, we spoke again on the phone. I told him there was nothing he could do to change my feelings. I did not trust him,or feel safe, and I never would. He insisted on texting me with his new number when he gets his new phone,and that he wouldn‘t call me or text me any more other then that. I agreed.

A few hours passed and I wrote a letter reiterating that I do not trust him, and that he really needs to talk to a professional. Also that I have already contacted the police to get information about what steps to take should he continue to contact me. I ended the letter by stating that I did not want his new number, and I would be changing my number.

I havent heard anything from him since. I am moving in two weeks, and I would like to believe things will stay quiet. If not...

I already have pepper spray, and a stungun. O yea, I also bought a bat.

It took a few days for me to realize that this was not anything genuine, and by using the internet to educating myself about the behaviors of a posessive, abuser, I see a bit more clearly.

I will update you if anything happens, and after I move.

Lexus~

Susan Bartelstone

Posted: 5/22/2009 2:23 PM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

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Good for you. I know it was hard at first. It does get easier when you know you did the right thing.

Foxxfire2081

Posted: 6/1/2009 9:47 PM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

New WomanSaver
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Age: 27

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Hey Susan,

I thought you might be interested in an update.

A few days after I posted last I was riding the city bus down to my best friends house to spend the day with her and her kids. I pull the cord to signal the bus driver, and as the bus pulls up to the next stop... Guess who is standing there, waiting to be picked up.

I believe I swore out loud because some of the people on the bus were all of a sudden paying attention to me. I got up sucked in a breath, and walked off the bus, and passed him like he didn�t even exist. He started calling my name, and making a scene. I just kept walking away.

So it started again. Calls and texts, and I am sorry...ugh I am so tired of this loser.

On day 2, I texted him " What do I have to do to make you understand I AM NOT INTERESTED in you?"

He started trying to real me in with comments about he heard I was quite the club hopper, among other things.

I called and had my number changed. It has stopped the calls obviously, but then I began to worry he might show up at my house again.

I bought a fresh 9V battery for the stun Gun, and have it, and a few other things set up around the house for easy access to me. Hidden in plain places.

It feels like over kill, but I will not be an easy target. If he comes to my home and acts like an animal, I will shock him right in the jewels.

I wonder what 100,000 Volts of electricity does to the sperm count, or the ability to get an erection?

Either way, my moving plans have been delayed by some unfortunate circumstances, which I will not go into any great detail about. I know I am long winded.

I will update again if anything happens, or after the move.

Thanks Susan, for being an active supporter with great ideas and insight for confused women everywhere.

Foxx~

Susan Bartelstone

Posted: 6/3/2009 10:23 AM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

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You‘re doing the smart thing - being prepared for any eventuality. Encouragingly, it looks like he WILL get the message.

Foxxfire2081

Posted: 6/23/2009 6:00 PM

Subject: Should I be afraid?

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Well for anyone who has been keeping track. . .

My move went well. I am settled in and feel great about my new place.

I am not worried anymore.

I have done quite a bit of research on the subject of men who hate women, and signs to look out for. I have come to recognize that there is a pattern, and if I continue with the series of behaviors I am accustomed to, when it comes to meeting a potential mate, I will end up more times then not, on a hard road.

This one in particular was just ridiculous, and to look back at how confused I was in the beginning really makes me think. I have to say that I feel I have learned some invaluable lessons from this man�s actions, about the world we live in, and I am thankful for that.

Lastly thank you again Susan. It must be a real challenge hearing the same stories over and over again, and not really being able to do anything to stop the madness. I hope you always want to support women in crisis, no matter how lost, dumb, and confused they are.

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