WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SUSAN BARTELSTONE, CERTIFIED CRIME PREVENTION AND PERSONAL SAFETY SPECIALIST / Every holiday is a chance for my ex to fight with me. I would appreciate your advice.

After my ex-mother-in-law sat on me and tried to strangle me, I was told she did this to my husband when he was a kid. That’s why he thought it was ok to try and strangle me. After attending my ex brother in laws funeral, and witnessing my ex sister in law, yell, hit, kick her little children. She said she was suicidal, she did drugs in the living room with her mom and siblings and was over all mean and unloving to her three small children.  I contacted my college professor to get her counseling. I grew up in a loving home; my parents never yelled or hit us. CPS sent her a letter, causing a full family battle. I went to pick up my daughter on thanksgiving to be confronted by an angry mob. After a bit of a fight I ran away, luckily for me my daughter ran after me. This fight has been ongoing for over a year. My ex thought I didn’t have the first right to care. So I had it written in our new agreement. This past weekend my daughter stayed at his mom’s with the other grandchildren. My ex and his siblings went out drinking somewhere. I heard he was by my house at 7am, probably headed home from the bars. My daughter informed she stayed at grandmas with the other kids. The oldest boy was mean to both his sisters. My daughter said the youngest girl who is now four, hit her in the face and cried all weekend. This is the cycle of abuse. Step grandpa was an alcoholic and abused grandma. Both of her husbands have cheated on her. Her new husband picks up women in front of her at restaurants. She is morbidly obese. Maybe lost 100 lbs since I first meet her 10 yrs ago. My husband told me she would put him in a chock hold all the time growing up and he learned to shut up. She her self told me she threw him against the wall when he was a baby, because he wouldn’t stop crying. For the last year and half my ex has been living with his mom. My daughter told me about their fights on a few occasions. Recently he has moved back into the same ghetto apartments. I have moved away and have a wonderful supportive family around me. Every holiday is a chance for my ex to fight with me. MLK day was a day long fight. He pretended to not be home, but finally late that day my daughter came home.Grandma wrote on topixs that she still wishes she could beat me up. I have been in 2 physical fights in my life, first my ex, then his mom. Both did a similar chock hold. I witnessed my ex throw our baby, that was the straw that broke the camels back, I couldn‘t allow her to be hurt, but she continues to get hurt over and over again. They are mentally brain washing her. She has come home on many occasions crying about things they have said to her about me. I try to always explain things the best I can.

HI Peacewings,

Some of it I did not catch, probably because there is so much detail, but generally it looks like you have an obligation to go to a family lawyer and maybe child authorities, It depends and have the concerns of your daughter‘s safety out there and addressed. I suggest you try and find a top notch attorney to help at family court.

I think the USA has programs to help pay if your income is low, but you need to ask around. Some of the lawyers who work for government to help family law situations are really good and care. Maybe ask at women‘s agencies for leads.

I hope you can make an order which helps your child.

All the best

One of the best resources around is the Family Justice Center which is a one-stop shop for a domestic violence victim including legal counseling, psychological counseling, and a whole range of other services that someone in your position might need - all in one place. 

The FJC has centers all over the country.  Go to their main website ( http://www.familyjusticecenter.org/)  and see if they have a center near you.  If not, I urge you to contact a local domestic violence organization, woman‘s group like NOW or similar one and see what resources are available for you.

Please don‘t wait too long.  This is a toxic, volatile situation that needs to end.