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    WomanSavers.com Forum / ASK SUSAN BARTELSTONE, CERTIFIED CRIME PREVENTION AND PERSONAL SAFETY SPECIALIST / Sexual abuse and cheating later in life

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  Posted: 3/8/2009 8:00 PM Subject: Sexual abuse and cheating later in life
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So this is a big step for me.  I am a guy who is cheating on his wife.  I am unsure of why I am doing it.  Worse yet i am doing it with another man.  When I was 10 yo I was sexually abused by an older male relative (17).  I am not gay.  I am very much straight but through the years i have hooked up with a few men from online sites such as craigslist.  I don‘t know why I do it.  I am not attracted to men AT ALL.  I feel like it is an easy way to sexually experiment and as soon as I am finished I hate myself for doing it (even before I was ever in a relationship).  For some reason I always go back... I don‘t know why...  Please help me end the terrible cycle!!!

  Posted: 3/14/2009 12:28 PM Subject: Sexual abuse and cheating later in life
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No one has replied to you until now. Probably because no one believes this is real, or else they want to kill you for doing this to your wife.

IF you are FOR REAL, then you have some very serious issues you need to deal with.

#1 - you were sexually abused. You didnt mention that you had any therapy for this. You need to get some help from a qualified therapist ASAP. You might also be gay, but unable to accept that right now. Whatever the case, therapy should help.  http://www.sexhelp.com/

#2 - you might have a sexual addiction as a result of the abuse. 12 step meetings for sex addicts are FREE and are all over the world:  http://www.saa-recovery.org/

#3 - since you are having sex with others, you may be exposing your wife & yourself to potentially deadly STDs. Even if you are using condoms, you can still pick up certain diseases such as HPV & others. You & your wife need to be tested right away.

#4 - You need to come clean with your wife. You are married - there should be NO secrets from your wife. You need to tell her the truth about what youve been doing, then she can make an informed decision whether to stay or go. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to FUCK WITH HER HEALTH OR HER MIND THIS WAY. Dont be surprised if she leaves you. I would.

You said you feel bad for your cheating. Start making some amends by being honest with your wife and getting help.

Good luck


eta: I do have some experience with something like this. I had a (now ex) bf who had been sodomized at 7 y.o. by his older teenage uncle, who also raped my bf‘s sisters when they were 7 & 8 y.o.  ALL 3 siblings started acting out with eachother incestuously, and finally the now ex-bf did it to his littlest sister, for several years. They are ALL fvcked up from this.

I didn‘t know about this until we‘d been dating a couple YEARS, but there were signs & symptoms. He had an addiction to porn, saw hookers, always wanted ANAL sex, among other things, and probably even more things I don‘t know about. He seriously needed therapy, refused to get it, so I left him.

Please, get some help, and be honest with your wife.

  Posted: 3/17/2009 4:42 PM Subject: Sexual abuse and cheating later in life
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If that one reply wasn‘t enough to convince you, I surely hope a second will.

I am in complete agreement with the above recommendations, and also hope you do find the courage, self-respect and the respect for your wife to come clean and get the help you need.

There is not a single person who suffered sexual or physical abuse who will ever be able to escape the symptoms without help, and do not think you are an exception. That would only be a wonderful way to completely lose any chance you have at A) staying and repairing the relationship with your wife, B) moving on and eventually finding a relationship worth wile.

Your searching for male company is a compulsion you need to deal with, using complete openness, honestly, and shamelessly with a therapist. Men are trained by society from birth to be heterosexual, and to the point where men do and say exactly what you‘ve done. You engage in sexual acts with men. You actively seek them out. For that, you are most likely gay, or your history just has that much power over you. The after-feelings you have could be actual disgust, or simply the social mindset so engraved into you that you convince yourself that it‘s disgust. Or else you‘re seeking out to relive your past traumas, hence the mixed feelings of arousal, fear, regret, shame and pain.

Come clean to your wife, and if not for yourself, then for her. You‘re being selfish, greedy, and no woman deserves that.

And yes, the STD issues are a large one, as well. Imagine how many people these men have been with. What are you exposing yourself to? And in turn, your innocent and unsuspecting wife. And if there‘s a chance of pregnancy... I shutter to think of the consistences, the rage, the bitterness. You‘d be in for a life time of hell.

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